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40 Years of Marriage

Dave

A married couple in their early 60s are celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.

Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table. She said, ‘For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish.’

The wife answered, ‘Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband.’

The fairy waved her magic wand and – poof! – two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands.

The husband thought for a moment:

‘Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I’m sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me.’

The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish!

So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof!…The husband became 92 years old.

The moral of this story: Men who are ungrateful bastards should remember fairies are female…

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Best Insurance Story of the Year

Dave

This actually took place in Charlotte, North Carolina.

A lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against, among other things, fire.

Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars, the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost ‘in a series of small fires.’

The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason, that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.

The lawyer sued and won!
(Stay with me.)

Delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company, in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable ‘fire’ and was obligated to pay the claim.

Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the cigars that perished in the ‘fires’.

Now for the best part…

After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!! With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.

This true story won First Place in last year’s Criminal Lawyers Award contest.

Only in America…no wonder the rest of the world thinks we’re nuts.

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Point Loma Nazarene University

Dave

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Drove over to Point Loma Nazarene University today in San Diego, California. Here are some of the photos that were taken around there. The thing that is so spectacular is the location. The university is overlooking the Pacific Ocean near the sunset cliffs. The views are just stunning and some of the architecture is neat too.

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Humor Thoughts

Success

Dave

Growing up is a weird notion to wrap your mind around. As you go through life, your perspectives on almost everything will change. How you define success will change as well. Things that you thought were important at the age of 35 will be useless when you’re 65. You may not realize it now, but everything will shift.

At age 4 success is not peeing in your pants.
success

At age 12 success is having friends.
success-1

At age 16 success is having a drivers license.
success-2

At age 20 success is having sex.
success-3

At age 35 success is having money.
success-4

At age 50 success is having money.
success-5

At age 60 success is having sex.
success-6

At age 70 success is having a drivers license.
success-7

At age 75 success is having friends.
success-8

At age 80 success is not peeing in your pants.
success-9

It all comes full circle, whether you like it or not.

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Humor

10 Brutally Honest Thoughts I Probably Shouldn’t Say Out Loud

Dave

1. I’m not saying let’s go kill all the stupid people. I’m just saying let’s remove all the warning labels and let the problem work itself out.
2. I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
3. You can tell a lot about a woman’s mood just by her hands. If they are holding a gun, she’s probably very cross.
4. Gone are the days when girls cooked like their mothers. Now they drink like their fathers.
5. You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like someone you’ve just met? That’s common sense leaving your body.
6. I don’t like making plans for the day….because then the word “premeditated” gets thrown around in the courtroom.
7. I didn’t make it to the gym today. That makes 1,508 days in a row.
8. I decided to change calling the bathroom “the John” and renamed it “the Jim”. I feel so much better saying “I went to the Jim this morning“.
9. Dear paranoid people, who check behind shower curtains for murderers: If you find one, what’s your plan?
10. Politicians should have two terms – one in office and the other in prison.

Just remember Einstein’s comment: “There is a major difference between intelligence and stupidity; intelligence has its limits.”

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Humor

Aphorisms for the Year

Dave

– It’s not whether you win or lose, but how you place the blame.
– We have enough “youth.” How about a fountain of “smart”?
– A Fool and his money can throw one heck of a party.
– When blondes have more fun, do they know it?
– Learn from your parent’s mistakes — Use birth control.
– Money isn’t everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch.
– If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.
– We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things just get worse. Red meat is not bad for you, fuzzy green meat is bad for you.
– Ninety-nine percent of all lawyers give the rest a bad name.
– Xerox and Wurlitzer will merge to produce reproductive organs.
– Alabama state motto: At least we’re not Mississippi.
– Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
– The latest survey shows that three out of four people make up 75% of the population and the majority of them don’t know that.
– “I think politicians should wear uniforms, you know, like NASCAR drivers, so we could identify their corporate and union sponsors.”

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Humor

Man Down

Dave

man_down

A husband and wife are shopping in their local supermarket. The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.

“What do you think you’re doing?” asks the wife.

“They’re on sale, only $10 for 24 cans” he replies.

”Put them back, we can’t afford them” demands the wife, they carry on shopping. A few aisles farther on, the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.

“What do you think you’re doing?” asks the husband.

“It’s my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,” replies the wife.

Her husband retorts: “So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it’s half the price.” That’s him in Aisle 5.

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McDonald’s Burger of the Month

Dave

So I was going through a box I have of old stuff from high school and I found these McDonald’s signs for burgers of the month. I can’t believe I still have these things. Before I throw them away I decided to scan them into my computer and share them because the date on these signs says 1992. If you were curious as to different McDonald’s burgers of the month from Lowell, Michigan McDonald’s, here they are. There is the Bacon Double Cheeseburger Meal, The Quarter Pounder Club Meal, and also the Mushroom Swiss Quarter Pounder Meal. To be quite honest they look pretty delicious, but the thing that made my jaw drop is look at the price of these things. $3.29? Oh how nice it would be to go back to those prices. I wonder if instead of throwing these away, I should take them to the closest McDonald’s and stick them to McDonald’s windows. Then when people start ordering these burgers the McDonald’s staff will freak out. Now that would be funny.

McDonalds_Burger_of_the_Month1992-1McDonalds_Burger_of_the_Month1992-2McDonalds_Burger_of_the_Month1992-3

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Humor

The Ventriloquist

Dave

A young ventriloquist is touring Sweden and, one night, he’s doing a show in a small fishing town. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes.

Suddenly, a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting, “I’ve heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype Swedish blond women that way? What does the color of a woman’s hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It’s men like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as people. Its people like you that make others think that all Blondes are dumb! You and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general…pathetically all in the name of humor!”

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells: “You stay out of this! I’m talking to that little shit on your lap.”

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Humor

Ring Ring Ring …

Dave

Rrriiiiinnnnggg, rrriiiinnnngg, ‘Hello?’ ‘Hi Honey. This is Daddy. Is Mommy near the Phone? ‘.

‘No, Daddy. She’s upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Gabe.’

After a brief pause, Daddy says, ‘but Honey, you don’t have an Uncle Gabe.’

‘Oh Yes I do, and He’s upstairs with Mommy in the room, right now.’

Brief Pause.

‘Uh, okay then, this is what I Want You to do. Put the phone down on the Table, Run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that. Daddy’s car just pulled into the driveway. ‘.

‘Okay, Daddy, Just a minute.’

A few minutes later the Little Girl comes back to the Phone…’I did it, Daddy.’

‘And what happened, honey?’

‘Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit on her head the dresser and now she is not at all Moving!’

‘Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Gabe? ‘.

‘He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too.

He was all scared and jumped out of the back window he and into the swimming pool. But I guess he did not know that you took out the water last week to clean it.

He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he’s dead.’

Long Pause.
Longer Pause.
Even Longer Pause.

Then Daddy says, ‘Swimming pool? (Confused) Is this 486-5731?

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