Today I went and watched how Thai silk is made. Here are some photos of the process and the professionals at work.
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The Gay Flight Attendant
My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks.
As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us that Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he’ll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super.
On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather Arabic looking woman hadn’t moved a muscle. Perhaps you didn’t hear me over those big brute engines but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo,so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground.
She calmly turned her head and said, In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one, to which (I swear) the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, “Well, sweet- cheeks, in my country I’m called a Queen, so I outrank you.
Tray-up, bitch.
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Maintain a Healthy Level of Insanity
1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.
2. Page yourself over the intercom. Don’t disguise your voice.
3. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.
4. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it “In”.
5. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 Weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
6. In the memo field of all your checks, write “For Smuggling Diamonds”.
7. Finish all your sentences with “In accordance with the prophecy”.
8. Don’t use any punctuation.
9. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
10. Order a diet water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.’
11. Specify that your drive-through order is “To Go”.
12. Sing along at the opera.
13. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don’t rhyme?
14. Put mosquito netting around your work area and play tropical sounds all day.
15. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can’t attend their party because you’re not in the mood.
16. Have your co-workers address you by your wrestling name, “Rock Bottom.”
17. When the money comes out the ATM, Scream “I Won! I Won!”
18. When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling “Run for Your Lives! They’re Loose!”
19. Tell your children over dinner, “Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.”
20. Send this link to someone to make them smile. It’s called…therapy.
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The Only Protection He Packed Was a Fake Name
A senior citizen visits his doctor for a routine check-up and everything seems fine. The doctor asks him about his sex life.
“Well…” the man drawled, “not bad at all to be honest. The wife ain’t all that interested anymore, so I just cruise around. In the past week I was able to pick-up and bed at least three girls, none of whom were over thirty years old.”
“My goodness Jack, and at your age too.” the doctor said. “I hope you took at least some precautions.”
“Yep. I may be old, but I ain’t senile yet doc. I gave ”em all a phony name.”
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Wedding Terms
On their wedding night, the young bride told her groom “Since we’re married now, we can arrange our sex life like this: In the evening if my hair is done, that means I don’t want sex at all. If my hair is somewhat undone, that means I may or may not have sex. Last…. if my hair is completely undone, that means I want sex…”
The groom replied: “OK honeycup. Just make sure that when I come home, I usually have a drink… If I have only one drink, that means I don’t want sex. If I have two drinks, I may or may not be wanting sex. But if I drink more than two…. your hair won’t matter!
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Brooklyn Tony on Math
Brooklyn Tony returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.
“Why?” asks the father.
The teacher asked ”How much is 2×3,” I said ”6,” replies Tony.
“But that’s right!” says his dad.’, ‘”Yeah, but then she asked me ” How much is 3×2?”” “What’s the fucking difference?” asks the father.
“That’s what I said!”
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Brooklyn Tony
Theteacher asks her class, “If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence andyou shoot one of them, how many will be left ?”She calls on Brooklyn Tony.
He replies, “None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot.”
Theteacher replies, “The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking.”‘, ‘Then Brooklyn Tony says, “I have a question for you. There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:
Which one is married?”
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, “Well, I suppose the one that’s gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.”
To which Brooklyn Tony replied, “The correct answer is” the one with the wedding ring on,but I like your thinking.”
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Should Children Witness Childbirth?
Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call. The house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-yr old girl to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby. Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked. Heidi pushed and pushed and after a little while, Connor was born. The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry again. The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-yr old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.
Kathleen quickly responded, “He shouldn’t have crawled in there in the first place……smack his ass again!”
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New Diet
I have a Golden retriever & I was buying a large bag of Purina at Wal-Mart and was in line to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn”t because I”d ended up in the hospital last time, but that I”d lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.’, ‘I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.
Horrified, she asked if I”d ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned, from the food. I told her no; it was because I”d been sitting in the street licking my balls and a car hit me.
I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard as he staggered out the door.
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Mexican Boarder Wall Problem Solved
Dig a moat the length of the Mexican border, take the dirt and raise the levies in New Orleans, and then put the Florida alligators into the border moat!
Any other problems you would like for me to solve?
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How Do You Feel?
Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: “Slim, I”m 83 years old now and I’m just full of aches and pains. I know you’re about my age. How do you feel?”
Slim says, “I feel just like a newborn baby.”
“Really!? Like a newborn baby!?”
“Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.”
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Elderly Marriage
A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
“So I hear you”re getting married?”
“Yep!”
“Do I know her?”
“Nope!”
“This woman, is she good looking?”
“Not really.”
“Is she a good cook?”
“Naw, she can’t cook too well.”
“Does she have lots of money?”
“Nope! Poor as a church mouse.”
“Well, then, is she good in bed?”
“I don’t know.”
“Why in the world do you want to marry her then?”
“Because she can still drive!”
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Elderly Drinker
A very elderly gentleman, (mid nineties) very well dressed, hair well groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel smelling slightly of a good after shave, presenting a well looked-after image, walks into an upscale cocktail lounge. Seated at the bar is an elderly looking lady, (mid eighties).
The gentleman walks over, sits alongside of her, orders a drink, takes a sip, turns to her and says, “So tell me, do I come here often?”
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Two New Dogs
A girl was visiting her friend who had acquired two new dogs. She asked her what their names were.
The friend responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.
Her friend said, “Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that”?
“Hellooooo,” she answered. “They’re watch dogs!”
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She Ain’t Easy… But…
She’s been on her knees more times than Billy Graham.
She’s been laid on more kitchen floors than linoleum.
She’s done more screwing than Black and Decker.
She’s responsible for more merry men than Robin Hood.
She’s turned more tricks than Houdini has.
She’s been in more motel rooms than the Bible.
She’s been boarded more times than Amtrak.
She’s been mounted more often than Trigger.
She’s been involved with more animals than Marlin Perkins has.
She’s entertained more troops than Bob Hope.’, ‘She”s been at more bedsides than Dr. Kildare has.
She’s been turned more ways than Rubik”s Cube.
She’s spent more time under men than barstools.
She’s seen more traffic than the George Washington Bridge.
She’s had more turnovers than the International House of Pancakes.
She’s been under more sheets than the Ku Klux Klan.
She’s had more marines land on her bed than on Iwo Jima.
Hoover classifies her tongue as a vacuum cleaner.
Her body has been declared a national recreation area.
Her diaphragms come with a service contract.
Her underwear is by Rubbermaid.
Her pantyhose has a pet door.
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How to Shower
How to shower like a woman:
Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.
Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
Look at your womanly physique in the mi rror — make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc.
Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.
Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.
Wash your hair again to make sure it”s clean.
Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced.
Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.
Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash. Rinse conditioner off hair.
Shave armpits and legs.
Turn off shower.
Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.
Spray mold spots with Tilex.
Get out of shower.
Dry with towel the size of a small country. Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.
Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas. ‘, ‘How to shower like a man:
Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
Walk naked to the bathroom.
If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the woo-woo sound.
Look at your manly physique in the mirror. Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your butt.
Get in the shower.
Wash your face.
Wash your armpits.
Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.
Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.
Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.
Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap.
Wash your hair. Make a Shampoo Mohawk.
Pee.
Rinse off and get out of shower.
Partially dry off.
Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time.
Admire wiener size in mirror again.
Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.
Return to bedroom with towel around waist. If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the woo-woo sound again.
Throw wet towel on bed.
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Chicken and the Harley
On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together. One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink.
Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the Farmer for help!
Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor.
Running around, the chicken spied; the farmer”s new Harley. Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of rope hoping he still had time to save his friend”s life. Back at the bog, the Horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive on the shiny Harley, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him.
After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer”s bike, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful Bike, rescued the horse!’, ‘Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned. The friendship between the two animals was cemented: Best Buddies, Best Pals.
A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life!
The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle. Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his hangy down thing
and he would then lift him out of the pit.
The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, Saving his life.
The moral of the story?
“When You”re Hung Like A Horse, You Don”t Need A Harley To Pick Up Chicks”.
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Elk Hunters
Two hunters got a pilot to fly them into the far north for elk hunting. They were quite successful in their venture, and bagged six big bucks. The pilot came back as arranged to pick them up.
They started loading their gear into the plane, including the six elk. But the pilot objected. “The plane can take out only four of your elk; you will have to leave two behind,” he stated.
They argued with him; the year before they had shot six and the pilot had allowed them to put all aboard, and the plane was just the same model and capacity as this.
Reluctantly the pilot finally permitt put all six aboard.’, ‘But when they attempted to take off and leave the valley where they were, the little plane could not make it, and they crashed in the wilderness.
Climbing out of the wreckage, one hunter said to the other, “Do you know where we are?”
“I think so,” replied the other hunter. “I think this is about the same place where the plane crashed last year.”
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Two Guys
These two guys meet after not having seen each other for many many years. First guy asks the second guy,
“How have things been going?”
The second guy speaking very slowly tells the first guy, “I w..a..s a..l..m..o..s..t m..a..r..r..i..e..d.”
The first guy says in amazement, “Hey; you don’t stutter any more.”
The answer comes, ” Y..e..s, I w..e..n..t t..o a d..o..c..t..o..r a..n..d h..e t..o..l..d m..e t..h..a..t i..f I s..p..e..a..k s..l..o..w..l..y I w..i..l..l n..o..t s..t..u..t..t..e..r.”‘, ‘The first friend congratulates him and than asks again about how he was almost married.
“W..e..l..l, m..y f..i..a..n..c..e..e a..n..d I w..e..r..e s..i..t..t..i..n..g o..n h..e..r p..o..r..c..h a..n..d t..h..e d..o..g w..a..s s..c..r..a..t..c..h..i..n..g h..i..s b..a..c..k a..n..d I t..o..l..d h..e..r t..h..a..t w..h..e..n w..e a..r..e m..a..r..r..i..e..d, s..h..e c..o u l d d..o t..h..a..t f..o..r m..e a..n..d s..h..e t..h..r..e..w t..h..e r..i..n..g i..n m..y f..a..c..e..”
“Why should she throw the ring in your face for that?” asks the first friend.
” W..e..l..l, I s..p..e..a..k s..o s..l..o..w..l..y, t..h..a..t b..y t..h..e t..i..m..e s..h..e
l..o..o..k..e..d a..t t..h..e d..o..g, h..e w..a..s l..i..c..k..i..n..g h..i..s b..a..l..l..s”
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Big Island Hawaii – Creepy Photo
Normally I wouldn’t think very much of photos like these, however in this instance I actually know the person who took the photo. He said he was on the Big Island of Hawaii and went to visit relative’s grave site. While he was there he took this photo of an unknown person’s grave. When you look at the photo you probably won’t think much of it, but if you look over the small grave you’ll see what appears to be a grey fog in the shape of a person over the grave. He told me there was no fog that day. If you zoom in on the photo you can begin to make out what looks like a face. This is the original photo that is un-doctored and unedited. Make of it what you will, but it seems a little creepy to me.