Month: October 2013

Eight Words with two Meanings

Dave

1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female…… Any part under a car’s hood.
Male….. The strap fastener on a woman’s bra.

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female…. Fully opening up one’s self emotionally to another.
Male….. Playing football without a cup.

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female… The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one’s partner.
Male… Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.

4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female….. A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male…… Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female…. A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male…… Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female…. An embarrassing by-product of indigestion. (For some, see Male below)
Male…… A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.

7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female…… The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male….. Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.

8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female…. A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male… A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.

AND:

He said… I don’t know why you wear a bra; you’ve got nothing to put in it.
She said… You wear pants don’t you?

He said… Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said… That’s a good idea – you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart!

He said… What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said…Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

He said… Why are married women heavier than single women?
She said… Single women come home, see what’s in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what’s in bed and go to the fridge.

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An Island is Born

Dave

A yacht was traveling in the south Pacific when the crew came across a weird sight. Look at these photos and try to imagine the thrill of experiencing this phenomenon.

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A BEACH?

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NO!!!!This is not a beach;

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it is volcanic stones floating on the water.

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WHERE IS THE VOLCANO?

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UNBELIEVABLE SITE, SO TAKE PICTURES
NO ONE WOULD BELIEVE IT

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THE WAKE OF MY SHIP

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STAY ON THE EDGE OF THE WATER then this was spotted, ash & steam rising from the ocean.

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And, while WE were watching…

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A plume of black ash…HUGE CLOUD. COVERING RED EVEN THIS FAR AWAY

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THEN THE SKY TURNS BLACK WITH ASH
AND THE OCEAN GOLD WITH SUNS REFLECTION

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OUT OF THE OCEAN MOUNTAIN PEAKS ARISE?

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MORE ERUPTIONS ASH AND CLOUDS

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THE MOUNTAIN PEAKS RISE HIGHER WITHIN MINUTES

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A brand new island formed…

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CREATION OF MOUNTAINS

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Can you imagine the thrill of being the first & only people to see a new island being created where there was nothing before?

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Side Effect

Dave

A golfer was involved in a terrible car crash and was rushed to the hospital. Just before he was put under, the surgeon popped in to see him.

“I have some good news and some bad news,” says the surgeon.

“The bad news is that I have to remove your right arm!”

“Oh God no!” cries the man “My golfing is over! Please Doc, what’s the good news?”

“The good news is, I have another one to replace it with, but it’s a woman’s arm.

I’ll need your permission before I go ahead with the transplant.”

“Go for it doc” says the man. “As long as I can play golf again.”

The operation went well and a year later the man was out on the golf course when he bumped into the surgeon. “Hi, how’s the new arm?” asks the surgeon.

“Just great,” says the businessman. “I’m playing the best golf of my life. My new arm has a much finer touch and my putting has really improved.”

“That’s great,” said the surgeon.

“Not only that,” continued the golfer, “my handwriting has improved, I’ve learned how to sew my own clothes and I’ve even taken up painting landscapes in watercolours.”

“Unbelievable!” said the surgeon, “I’m so glad to hear the transplant was such a great success. Are you having any side effects?”

“Well, just one problem,” said the golfer.

“Every time I get an erection, I also get a headache.

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New Chevy

Dave

I stopped by the Chevrolet Dealership yesterday, for a look at the new Silverado 1500 pickup. Just for fun, I took it out for a test drive. I wanted to sense that new “feel” before they become extinct.

The salesman (a black man wearing an Obama “change” lapel pin) sat in the passenger seat describing the truck and all its “wonderful “options. The seats were of particular interest. He explained that the seats directed warm air to your butt in the winter and directed cool air to your butt in the summer heat. Feeling like messing with him, I mentioned that this must be a Republican truck.

Looking a bit angry, he asked why I thought it was a Republican truck. I explained that if it were an Obama truck, the seats would blow smoke up your ass year-round.

I had to walk back to the dealership to retrieve my old pickup. Damn guy had no sense of humor.

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