Category: Humor

A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, “What are these, Dad? To which the man matter-of-factly replies, “Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex.” “Oh I see,” replied the boy pensively. Yes, I”ve heard of that in health class at school.”‘, ‘He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, “Why are there 3 in this package?”The dad replies, “Those are for high school boys, ONE for Friday, ONE for Saturday, and ONE for Sunday.”

“Cool” says the boy.

He notices a 6 pack and asks, “Then who are these for?” “Those are for college men,” the dad answers, TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday.”

“WOW!” exclaimed the boy, “then who uses THESE?” he asks, picking up a 12 pack.

With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied, “Those are for married men. ONE for January, ONE for February, ONE for March…..”

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A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch. The woman”s husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.’, ‘The little boy says, “Dark in here.”
The man says, “Yes, it is.”

Boy – “I have a baseball.”
Man – “That”s nice.”

Boy – “Want to buy it?”
Man – “No, thanks.”

Boy – “My dad”s outside.”
Man – “OK, how much?”

Boy – “$150”
Man – “Sold.”

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.

Boy – “Dark in here.”
Man – “Yes, it is.”

Boy – “I have a Wilson infielder”s glove.”
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, “How much?”

Boy – “$350”
Man – “That”s Highway robbery. Sold.”

A few days later, the father says to the boy, “Grab your gloves, let”s go outside and have a game of catch.” The boy says, “I can”t, I sold my ball and my glove.” The father asks, “How much did you sell them for?” The boy says, “$500″The father says, “That”s terrible to overcharge your friends like that … that is way more than those two things cost. I”m going To take you to church and make you confess your greed.” They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, “Dark in here.”The priest says, “Don”t start that shit again, you”re in MY closet now.”

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An old man, a boy & a donkey were going to town. The boy rode on the donkey & the old man walked. As they went along they passed some people who remarked it was a shame the old man was walking & the boy was riding. The man & boy thought maybe the critics were right, so they changed positions. Later, they passed some people that remarked, “What a shame, he makes that little boy walk.” They then decided they both would walk!’, ‘Soon they passed some more people who thought they were stupid to walk when they had a decent donkey to ride. So, they both rode the donkey. Now they passed some people that shamed them by saying how awful to put such a load on a poor donkey. The boy & man said they were probably right, so they decided to carry the donkey. As they crossed the bridge, they lost their grip on the animal & he fell into the river and drowned. The moral of the story? If you try to please everyone, you might as well…Kiss your ass good-bye.

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This one is for all of you who:
a) have kids
b) had kids
c) was a kid
d) know a kid!’, ‘As I was packing for my business trip, my 3-year old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point, she said…. “Daddy look at this,” and she stuck out two of her fingers.

Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her tiny fingers in my mouth and said, “Daddy’s gonna eat your fingers!” pretending to eat them before I rushed out of the room again.

When I returned, my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face.

I said, “What’s wrong, honey?”

She replied, “What happened to my booger?

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As a woman passes her daughter”s closed bedroom door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from within. Opening the door, she observed her daughter giving herself a real workout with vibrator.

Shocked, she asked, “What in the world are you doing?”

The daughter replied, “Mom, I”m thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I”ll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.”‘, ‘The next day, the girl”s father heard the same buzz coming from the other side of the closed bedroom door. Upon entering the room, he observed his daughter making passionate love to her vibrator.

To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter said, “Dad, I”m thrity-five, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I”ll ever get to a husband. Please go away and leave me alone.”

A couple of days later the wife came home from a shopping trip, placed the groceries on the kitchen table and heard a buzzing noise coming from, of all places, the living room. She entered and observed her husband sitting on the couch, downing a cold beer, and staring at the T.V. The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing like crazy.

The wife asked, “What the hell are you doing?”

The husband replied, “I”m watching football with my son in law.”

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The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1,000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money.

Many people had tried over time (weightlifters, longshoremen, etc.), but nobody could do it.’, ‘One day this scrawny little man came in, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny, squeaky voice, “I”d like to try the bet.”

After the laughter had died down, the bartender said okay, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.

But the crowd”s laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass.

As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1,000, and asked the little man, “What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weightlifter, or what?”

The man replied, “I work for the IRS.

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Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office…..but she belonged to someone else. One day Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said I’ll give you a 1000 dollars if you let me screw you….but the girl said no. Johnny said I’ll be fast, I’ll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, I’ll be finished by the time you pick it up. She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her boyfriend…..so she called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend says ask him for 2,000 dollars and then pick up the money really fast, he won’t even have time to get his pants down. So she agrees and accepts the proposal.

Half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend to call. Finally after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls and asks what happened……She said, “The bastard used quarters!”

Management Lesson: Always consider a business proposal in its entirety.

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A Mexican drinks his beer and suddenly throws his glass in the air, pulls out his pistol and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, “In Mexico our glass is so cheap we don’t need to drink from the same glass twice.”

An Iraqi, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his AK-47 and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, “In Iraq we have so much sand to make glasses that we don”t need to drink out of the same glass twice either.

Then Dick Cheney, cool as a cucumber, picks up his beer and drinks it, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the Mexican and the Iraqi, and catches his glass. He says, “In America we have so many illegal Mexicans and Arabs that we don’t have to drink with the same ones twice.”

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There once was a Red Indian whose given name was “Onestone”. So named because he had only one testicle. He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone. After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said, “If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!” The word got around and nobody called him that any more.’, ‘Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, “Good morning, Onestone.” He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.

The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do.

Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away for many years.

Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird’s cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him and said, “Good to see you, Onestone.”

Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day, made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn”t die!

And the moral is…You can”t kill two birds with one stone!!

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Have you heard about the new Harley-Davidson beer?
You put it in your fridge and it leaks overnight.

Harley-Davidson: The most efficient way to convert gasoline into noise without the adverse side effect of horsepower.

Is it true that Harleys are chick magnets?
Yes, but only if the chick has a steel plate in her head.

What’s the cheapest way to get another 50hp from your Harley?
Trade it in on a Suzuki.

Why don’t Harley riders sit on their bikes when the kickstands are down?
They”re afraid to lean over that far.’, ‘What’s the difference between a Harley and a Harley owner’s home?
The Harley costs more and has fewer wheels.

How do you now you’re riding a Harley?
While coming off an exit-ramp you get passed by a Vespa.

Why don’t Harley riders wave at sport bike riders?
Because they don’t want to drop their tools.

How do you know all the aftermarket parts you bought for your Harley are worth the money?
You finally break into the 15’s in the quarter mile.

How do Harley engineers tell if a bike is worthy of the Harley name?
They check to make sure the exhaust noise in decibels exceeds the horsepower rating.

Why don’t Harley owners smile?
Once you realized you got conned into paying $25,000 for an outdated piece of $#!+ would you be smiling?

Why do Harleys have fringe?
So you can tell if they’re moving.

How is a Harley Davidson like an old dog?
They both like to ride in the back of pickup trucks.

How do you know your Harley is handling great?
You can almost keep up with the logging trucks when you’re riding in the canyons.

What is the difference between a Harley Davidson and an old dog?
The dog can get in the back of the pickup by itself.

What”s the difference between a Harley taken to Daytona on a trailer and one that”s being ridden there?
The one on the trailer is going about 30mph faster.

Why do all Harley owners have trailers?
So they can go around corners faster!

You know you’re a Harley rider if…
…you’re unable to let your bike simply IDLE at a stop light.
…you confuse the word “character” with the more accurate term “engineering flaws.”
…”water cooled” means standing on the side of the road, in the rain, waiting for a wrecker.

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A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, “Harry, what”s your problem?”

Harry answered, “I”m too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I”m smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!”

Ms Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal”s office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.’, ‘Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: “What is 3 x 3?”

Harry: “9.”

Principal: “What is 6 x 6?”

Harry: “36.”

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, “I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade.”

Ms Brooks says to the principal, “Let me ask him some questions.”

The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms Brooks asks, “What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?”

Harry, after a moment: “Legs.”

Ms Brooks: “What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?”

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

Harry replied: “Pockets.”

Ms Brooks: “What does a dog do that a man steps into?”

Harry: “Pants.”

Ms Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?”

Harry: “Coconut.”

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms Brooks: “What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?”

The principal”s eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, “Bubble gum.”

Ms Brooks: “What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a
dog does on three legs?”

Harry: “Shake hands.”

The principal was trembling.

Ms Brooks: “What word starts with an ”F” and ends in ”K” that means a lot of heat and excitement?”

Harry: “Firetruck.”

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, “Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong.

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At the movie theater a man noticed a young woman sitting all by herself. He was excited to see she had both hands under her skirt and was frigging herself furiously.

He moved to the next seat to her and offered his help. She agreed, and the man started fingering her like crazy. When he tired and withdrew his hand, he was surprised to see her go back to work on herself with both hands. Wasn’t I good enough?” he asked sheepishly.

You were great,” she said, but these crabs are still itching!”

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The US Postal Service created a stamp with a picture of Senator Hillary Clinton to honor her achievements as the First Lady of our nation. In daily use it was shown that the stamp was not sticking to envelopes. This enraged Senator Clinton, who demanded a full investigation. After a month of testing, a special presidential commission made the following findings:

* The stamp was in perfect order.
* There was nothing wrong with the applied adhesive.
* People were spitting on the wrong side.

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A Pastor went to his church office on Monday morning and discovered a dead mule in the church yard He telephoned the police. Since there did not appear to be any foul play, the police referred the Pastor to the Health Department.

They explained, “Since there was no health threat, you”ll need to call the Sanitation Department.”

When the pastor called the Sanitation Department, the Manager of the Sanitation Department said, “I can”t pick up that dead mule without authorization from the mayor.” The Pastor was not at all too eager to call the mayor, who possessed a very bad temper and was always extremely unpleasant and hard to deal with, but, eventually, the Pastor called the mayor anyway.

The mayor did not disappoint the Pastor. The mayor immediately began to rant and rave. After his continued rant at the pastor, the mayor finally said, “Why did you call me any way? Isn”t it your job to bury the dead?”

The pastor paused for a brief prayer, and asked the Lord to direct his response.

The lord led the pastor to the words he was seeking, “Well Yes, Mayor, it IS my job to bury the dead, but I always like to notify the next of kin first!

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