Humor – Page 132 – The Kumachan

Chinese Newlyweds

Dave 2007-08-25

A young Chinese couple gets married. She’s a virgin. Truth be told, he is a virgin too, but she doesn’t know that. On their wedding night, she cowers
naked under the sheets as her husband undresses in the darkness.

He climbs into bed next to her and tries to be reassuring. “My darring,” he whispers, “I know dis your firss time and you berry frighten. I pomise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting – juss anyting you want. You juss ask… so… whatchu want?” he says, trying to sound experienced and
worldly, which he hopes will impress her.

A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request. She eventually shyly whispers back, “I want to try someting I have
heard about from other girls… Numbaa 69.”

More thoughtful silence, this time from him. Eventually, in a puzzled tone he asks her…

“You want… Mushroom Chicken with steam vegetable????

The Miracle of Toilet Paper

Dave 2007-08-24

Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small.Instead of characteristically telling me it’s not so, He uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.

“If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds”.
Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts. “How long will this take?” I asked.

“They will grow larger over a period of years,” my husband replies.
I stopped. “Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?”
Without missing a beat he says, “Worked for your butt, didn’t it?”
He’s still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk again, although he will probably continue to take his meals through a straw for a very long time.
Stupid, stupid man.

Isn’t This The Truth?

Dave 2007-08-23

As I Mature

Dave 2007-08-22

Haven’t You Ever Seen?

Dave 2007-08-21

T-shirts

Dave 2007-08-20

Bull Rider

Dave 2007-08-19

What Are You Looking At?

Dave 2007-08-18

Gas Chamber

Dave 2007-08-17

Stuck Pen

Dave 2007-08-16

A coworker got his ink pen stuck inside our printer while trying to clear a jam. He attempted several times to remove the pen, but I told him we don’t have time for that now, just put a note on the printer telling folks not to use it. We would have to report it to the Help Desk later. So he grabbed a piece of paper and a pencil and started writing the warning, so I left.

About 20 minutes later, one of my techs came in laughing and says he was just in the lobby, saw a piece of paper on a printer and went to investigate.

Attached is what he found. Sometimes things don’t always come out the way you want them to..

Bartender

Dave 2007-08-15

Dog Food Diet

Dave 2007-08-14

I was in Wal-Mart buying a large bag of Purina for our dog and was in line to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog…….. Duh!

I was feeling a bit crabby so on impulse, I told her no, I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn’t because I’d ended up in the hospital last time, but that I’d lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care unit with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and I.V.’s in both arms.

Her eyes about bugged out of her head. I went on and on with the bogus diet story and she was totally buying it. I told her that it was an easy, inexpensive diet and that the way it works is to load your pockets or purse with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The package said the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a tall guy behind her.

Horrified, she asked if something in the dog food had poisoned me and was that why I ended up in the hospital.
I said no…..I’d been sitting in the street licking my butt when a car hit me.
I thought the tall guy was going to have to be carried out the door.