Category: Humor

Kids Say the Darndest Things

Dave

Jack (age 3) was watching his Mom breast-feeding his new baby sister. After a while he asked: “Mom why have you got two? Is one for hot and one for cold milk?”

Melanie (age 5) asked her Granny how old she was. Granny replied she was so old she didn’t remember any more. Melanie said, “If you don”t remember you must look in the back of your panties. Mine say five to six.”

Steven (age 3) hugged and kissed his Mom goodnight. “I love you so much, that when you die I’m going to bury you outside my bedroom window.”

Brittany (age 4) had an earache and wanted a painkiller. She tried in vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Mom explained it was a childproof cap and she”d have to open it for her. Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked: “How does it know it”s me?

Susan (age 4) was drinking juice when she got the hiccups. “Please don’t give me this juice again,” she said, “It makes my teeth cough.”

D I (age 4) stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked: “How much do I cost?”

Marc (age 4) was engrossed in a young couple that were hugging and kissing in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his dad: “Why is he whispering in her mouth?”

Clinton (age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried. When his Mom asked what was troubling him, he replied, “I don’t know what”ll happen with this bed when I get married. How will my wife fit in?”

James (age 4) was listening to a Bible story. His dad read: “The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his wife looked back and was turned to salt.” Concerned, James asked: “What happened to the flea?”

Tammy (age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather wrinkled woman her Mom knew. Tammy looked at her for awhile and then asked, “Why doesn’t your skin fit your face?

The Sermon I think this Mom will never forget….this particular Sunday sermon…”Dear Lord,” the minister began, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face. “Without you, we are but dust.” He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient daughter (who was listening!) leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little girl voice, “Mom, what is butt dust?”

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Yearly visit to the Doctor

Dave

I went into my proctologist’s office for my first rectal exam. His new nurse, Elaine, took me to an examining room and told me to get undressed and have a seat until the doctor could see me.

She said that he would only be a few minutes.

After putting on the gown that she gave me I sat down.

While waiting I observed that there were three items on a stand next to
the exam table:

1. a Tube of K-Y jelly
2. a rubber glove
3. and a beer.

When the doctor finally came in I said, “Look Doc, I”m a little confused. This is my first exam. I know what the K-Y is for, and I know what the glove is for, but can you tell me what the BEER is for?”

At that Doctor Paul became noticeably outraged and stormed over to the door. He flung the door open and yelled to his nurse…….

Darn it ELAINE!!!!!!!!!!!

I said a BUTT LIGHT”

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Birth Control Pills for Grandma

Dave

A doctor that had been seeing an 80-year-old woman for most of her life finally retired. At her next checkup, the new doctor told her to bring a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her. As the young doctor was looking through these, his eyes grew wide as he realized she had a prescription for birth control pills.
‘, “Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are BIRTH CONTROL pills?” “Yes, they help me sleep at night.” “Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely NOTHING in these that could possibly help you sleep!” She reached out and patted the young Doctor’s knee. “Yes, dear, I know that. But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16 year old granddaughter drinks……………………………. And believe me, it helps me sleep at night.”

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If You’re Going to Live in the South, Know These Rules

Dave

1. That farm boy you see at the gas station did more work before
breakfast than you do all week at the gym.

2. It”s called a “gravel road. ” No matter how slow you drive, you”re
going to get dust on your Navigator. Drive it or get out of the way.

3. The red dirt — it”s called clay. Red clay. If you like the color
don”t wash your car for a couple weeks — it”ll be permanent.

4. We all started hunting and fishing when we were seven years old.
Yeah, we saw Bambi. We got over it.

5. Go ahead and bring your $600 Orvis Fly Rod. Don”t cry to us if a
flathead breaks it off at the handle. We have a name for those little
13-inch trout you fish for — bait.

6. Pull your pants up. You look like an idiot.

7. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of mallards are making
their final approach, we will shoot it. You might want to ensure it”s not up
to your ear at the time.

8. No, there”s no “Vegetarian Special” on the menu. Order steak.
Order it rare. Or, you can order the Chef”s Salad and pick off the two
pounds of ham and turkey.

9. Tea – yeah, we have tea. It comes in a glass over ice and is
sweet. You want it hot — sit it in the sun. You want it unsweetened — add
a lot of water.

10. You bring Coke into my house, it better be brown, wet, and served
over ice.’, ‘
11. So you have a sixty thousand-dollar car. We”re real impressed. We
have a quarter of a million-dollar combine that we only use two weeks a
year.

12. Let”s get this straight. We have one stoplight in town. We stop
when it”s red. We may even stop when it”s yellow.

13. We eat dinner together with our families. We pray before we eat
(yeah, even breakfast). We go to church on Wednesdays and Sundays and we go
to high school football games on Friday nights. We still address our seniors
with “yes, sir” and “yes, ma”am, ” and we sometimes still take Sunday drives
around town to see friends and neighbors.

14. We don”t do “hurry up” well.

15. Greens – yeah, we have greens, but you don”t putt on them. You
boil them with salty fatback, bacon or a ham hock.

16. Yeah, we eat catfish, bass, bream and carp. You really want sushi
and caviar? It”s available at the bait shop.

17. They are pigs. That”s what they smell like. Get over it. Don”t
like it? Interstate 85 goes two ways – Interstate 40 goes the other two.
Pick one.

18. Grits are corn. You put butter, salt, and maybe even some pepper
on them. If you want to put milk and sugar on them, then you want Cream of
Wheat – go to Kansas. That would be I-40 west.

19. The “Opener” refers to the first day of deer season or dove
season. Both are holidays. You can get pancakes, cane syrup, and sausage
before daylight at the church on either day.

20. So every person in every pickup waves? Yeah, it”s called being
friendly. Understand the concept?

21. Yeah, we have golf courses. Don”t hit in the water hazards. It
spooks the fish and bothers the gators – and if you hit it in the rough, we
have these things called diamondbacks, and they”re not baseball players.

22. That Highway Patrol Officer that just pulled you over for driving
like an idiot — his name is “Sir, ” no matter how young he is.

23. We have lots of pine trees. They have sap. It drips from them. You
park your Navigator under them, and they”ll leave a logo on your hood.

24. You burn an American flag in our state, you get beat up. No
questions. The liberal contingent of our state legislature — all four of
them — enacted a measure to stop this. There is now a $2. 50 fine for
beating up the flag burner.

25. No, we don”t care how you do things up North. If it is so great
up there, why not visit a Northern state or stay there? And no, down here,
we don”t have an accent, you do.

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Military Wisdom

Dave

“A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what”s left of your unit.”

– Army’s magazine of preventive maintenance.’, ‘

————————————————————————–
“Aim towards the Enemy.”
– Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher
————————————————————————–
“When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend.
– U.S. Marine Corps
————————————————————————–
“Cluster bombing from B-52s are very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground.”
– USAF Ammo Troop
————————————————————————–
“If the enemy is in range, so are you.”
– Infantry Journal
————————————————————————–
“It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed.”
– U.S. Air Force Manual
————————————————————————–
“Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons.”
– General Macarthur
————————————————————————–
“Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo.”
– Infantry Journal
————————————————————————–
“You, you, and you … Panic. The rest of you, come with me.”
– U.S. Marine Corp Gunnery Sgt.
————————————————————————–
“Tracers work both ways.”
– U.S. Army Ordnance
————————————————————————–
“Five second fuses only last three seconds.”
– Infantry Journal
————————————————————————–
“Don”t ever be the first, don”t ever be the last, and don”t ever volunteer to do anything.”
– U.S. Navy Swabbie
————————————————————————–
“Bravery is being the only one who knows you’re afraid.”
– David Hackworth
————————————————————————–
“If your attack is going too well, your walking into an ambush.”
– Infantry Journal
————————————————————————–
“No combat-ready unit has ever passed inspection.”
– Joe Gay
————————————————————————–
“Any ship can be a minesweeper … once.”
– Anonymous
————————————————————————–
“Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do.”
– Unknown Marine Recruit
————————————————————————–
“Don”t draw fire; it irritates the people around you.”
– Your Buddies
————————————————————————–
“If you see a bomb technician running, follow him.”
– USAF Ammo Troop
————————————————————————–
“Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death … I Shall Fear No Evil. For I am at 80,000 Feet and Climbing.”
– At the entrance to the old SR-71 operating base Kadena, Japan
————————————————————————–
“You”ve never been lost until you”ve been lost at Mach 3.”
– Paul F. Crickmore (test pilot)
————————————————————————–
“The only time you have too much fuel is when you’re on fire.”

————————————————————————–
“Blue water Navy truism: There are more planes in the ocean than submarines in the sky.”
– From an old carrier sailor
————————————————————————–
“If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it’s probably a helicopter — and therefore, unsafe.”

————————————————————————–
“When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash.”

————————————————————————–
“Without ammunition, the USAF would be just another expensive flying club.”

————————————————————————–
“What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots?
If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; If ATC screws up, …. the pilot dies.”

————————————————————————–
“Never trade luck for skill.”

————————————————————————–
The three most common expressions (or famous last words) in aviation are:
“Why is it doing that?”,
“Where are we?”
and “Oh Shit!”

————————————————————————–
“Weather forecasts are horoscopes with numbers.”

————————————————————————–
“Progress in airline flying: now a flight attendant can get a pilot pregnant.”

————————————————————————–
“Airspeed, altitude and brains. Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight.”

————————————————————————–
“A smooth landing is mostly luck; two in a row is all luck; three in a row is prevarication.”

————————————————————————–
“I remember when sex was safe and flying was dangerous.”

————————————————————————–
“Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up there!”

————————————————————————–
“Flashlights are tubular metal containers kept in a flight bag for the purpose of storing dead batteries.”

————————————————————————–
“Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about it.”

————————————————————————–
“When a flight is proceeding incredibly well, something was forgotten.”

————————————————————————–
“Just remember, if you crash because of weather, your funeral will be held on a sunny day.”

————————————————————————–
Advice given to RAF pilots during WWII: “When a prang (crash) seems inevitable, endeavor to strike the softest, cheapest object in the vicinity as slow and gently as possible.”

————————————————————————–
“The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you.”
– Attributed to Max Stanley (Northrop test pilot)
————————————————————————–
“A pilot who doesn”t have any fear probably isn’t flying his plane to its maximum.”
– Jon McBride, astronaut
————————————————————————–
“If you”re faced with a forced landing, fly the thing as far into the crash as possible.”
– Bob Hoover (renowned aerobatic and test pilot)
————————————————————————–
“Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than you.”

————————————————————————–
“There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime.”
– Sign over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, 1970
————————————————————————–
“If something hasn’t broken on your helicopter, it’s about to.”

————————————————————————–
Basic Flying Rules: “Try to stay in the middle of the air. Do not go near the edges of it. The edges of the air can be recognized by the appearance of ground, buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space. It is much more difficult to fly there.”

————————————————————————–
“You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal.”

————————————————————————–
As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft, having torn off the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrives, the rescuer sees a bloodied pilot and asks “What happened?”.
The pilot”s reply: “I don”t know, I just got here myself!”
– Attributed to Ray Crandell (Lockheed test pilot)

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A Christmas Story

Dave

Twas the night before Christmas–Old Santa was pissed.
He cussed out the elves and threw down his list.
Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks.
I have a good mind to scrap the whole works!

I’ve busted my ass for damn near a year,
Instead of “Thanks Santa”–what do I hear?
The old lady bitches cause I work late at night.
The elves want more money–The reindeer all fight.

Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids.
Donner is pregnant and Vixen has AIDS.
And just when I thought that things would get better
Those assholes from the IRS sent me a letter,
They say I owe taxes–if that ain’t damn funny
Who the hell ever sent Santa Claus any money?

And the kids these days–they all are the pits
They want the impossible–Those mean little shits
I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds
Assembling dolls…Their arms, legs and heads
I made a ton of yo yo’s–No request for them,
They want computers and robots…they think – I’m IBM!

Flying through the air…dodging the trees
Falling down chimneys and skinning my knees
I’m quitting this job there’s just no enjoyment
I’ll sit on my fat ass and draw unemployment.

There’s no Christmas this year now you know the reason,
I found me a blonde. I’m going SOUTH for the season.

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Too Little Info – Too Late

Dave

They enjoyed each other’s company very much and at the end of the evening. Sharon invited Jim to her place, where they quickly got involved in a very passionate and energetic session in bed together. Finally, tired and satisfied, they both lay back in the bed and snuggled up close to each other. After a short while, Sharon began tenderly stroking Jim’s manhood. Surprised but appreciative, Jim comments, “Surely you can’t be ready for more already?” Sharon replies, “No, but every now and then I get a bit nostalgic, and I miss the days when I had my own.

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Cowboys Don’t Like to be Bested

Dave

Three cowboys are sitting around a campfire, out on the lonesome prairie, each with the bravado for which cowboys are famous. A night of tall tales began.

The first said, “I must be the meanest, toughest cowboy there is. Why, just the other day, a bull got loose in the corral and gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground, by the horns, with my bare hands.”

The second can’t stand to be bested, “Why that’s nothing. I was out walkin” on the trail yesterday and a fifteen foot rattler slid out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grabbed that critter with my bare hands, bit its head off, and sucked the poison down in one gulp. And I’m still here today.”

The third cowboy remained silent, slowly stirring the coals with his dick.

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10 Things a Man Would Never Say

Dave

10. I think Barry Manilow is one cool mother.
9. While I’m up, can I get you a beer?
8. I think hairy butts are really sexy.
7. Her tits are just too big.
6. Sometimes I just want to be held.
5. That chick on ”Murder, She Wrote” gives me a woody.
4. Sure: I’d love to wear a condom.
3. We haven’t been to the mall for ages; let’s go shopping and I can hold your purse.
2. Hell with Monday Night Football, let’s watch Murphy Brown.
1. I think we’re lost; we better pull over and ask directions.

A man has 27 parts that don’t work for him.

20 nails that don’t nail
1 belly button that doesn’t button
2 tits that don’t milk
1 cock that doesn’t crow
2 balls that don’t bounce
1 ass that doesn’t do any work

So what are you women smiling at? You have a pussy that doesn’t catch mice!

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Navajo Elder’s Lunar Warning: NASA’s Untranslated Message to the Moon

Dave

When NASA was preparing for the Apollo Project, they took the astronauts to a Navajo reservation in Arizona for training. One day, a Navajo elder and his son came across the space crew walking among the rocks. The elder, who spoke only Navajo, asked a question. His son translated for the NASA people: “What are these guys in the big suits doing?” One of the astronauts said they were practicing for a trip to the moon. When the son relayed this comment, the Navajo elder got all excited and asked if it would be possible to give the astronauts a message to deliver to the moon.

Recognizing a promotional opportunity, a NASA official accompanying the astronauts said, “Why certainly!” and told an underling to get a tape recorder. The Navajo elder’s comments into the microphone were brief. The NASA official asked the son to translate what his father had said. The son listened to the recording and laughed uproariously. But he refused to translate. So the NASA people took the tape to a nearby Navajo village and played it for other members of the tribe. They too laughed long and loudly but also refused to translate the elder’s message to the moon. An official government translator was summoned.

After he finally stopped laughing, the translator relayed the message: “WATCH OUT FOR THESE ASSHOLES. THEY HAVE COME TO STEAL YOUR LAND.”

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Wrong Approach

Dave

Two married buddies are out drinking one night, when one turns to the other, “you know, I don’t know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we’ve been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get into the driveway, shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before going into the house, sneak up the stairs, get undressed in the bathroom, ease into bed, and my wife still wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!”‘, ‘His buddy looks at him and says, “Well, you are probably taking the wrong approach. I screeched into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, slap her on the butt and say “You as horny as I am?” and she always acts like she’s sound asleep.

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Job Interview

Dave

The local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so Gomer, who was not exactly the sharpest nail in the bucket, went in to apply for the job.

“Ok,” the sheriff drawled, “Gomer, what is one and one?”

“Eleven,” Gomer replied.

The sheriff thought to himself, “That’s not what I meant, but he’s right.” So he asked, “What two days of the week start with the letter T?”

“Today and tomorrow,” Gomer replied.

The sheriff was again surprised that Gomer supplied a correct answer he had never considered.

“Now, Gomer, listen carefully: who killed Abraham Lincoln?”

Gomer looked a little surprised, then thought hard for a minute before finally admitting, “I don’t know.”

“Well, why don”t you go home and work on that one for a while?”

So Gomer wandered over to the barbershop, where his pals were waiting to hear the results of the interview. Gomer was exultant. “It went great! First day on the job, and I’m already working on a murder case!

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Government Matchmaker

Dave

A young lady visited the government matchmaker for marriage & said, “I am looking for a spouse. Can you please help me find a suitable one?” The marriage officer said, “Your requirements, please.” ” Well, let me see…needs to be good-looking, polite, humorous, sporty, knowledgeable, good singing and dancing….willing to accompany me the whole day at home during my leisure hour, if I don’t go out….telling me interesting stories when I need a companion for conversation and be silent when I want to rest.” The officer listened carefully and replied. “I understand. You need a television.”

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Your Age by Chocolate Math

Dave

Your age by chocolate math’, ‘Work this out as you read …
Be sure you don”t read the bottom until you”ve worked it out!
This is not one of those waste of time things, it”s fun.

1. First of all, pick the number of times a week that you would like to have chocolate
(more than once but less than 10)

2. Multiply this number by 2 (just to be bold)

3. Add 5

4. Multiply it by 50 — I”ll wait while you get the calculator .

5. If you have already had your birthday this year add 1755 ….
If you haven”t, add 1754.

6. Now subtract the four digit year that you were born.

You should have a three digit number .

The first digit of this was your original number
(i.e., how many times you want to have chocolate each week).

The next two numbers are

YOUR AGE! (Oh YES, it is!!!!!)

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The Truth about Barbecuing

Dave

From the wonderful world of Toronto Canada comes this lovely joke called, “The TRUTH about Barbecuing”‘, ‘Barbecuing is the only type of cooking a real man will do. When a man declares he will BBQ the following chain of events is put into motion:
1.) The woman goes to the store and buys everything.

2.) The woman makes the salad, vegetables, and dessert.

3.) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man, who is lounging beside the grill, beer in hand.

4.) The man places the meat on the grill.

5.) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.

6.) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning. He
thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he deals with the situation.

7.) The man takes the meat off the grill and hands it to the woman.

8.) The woman prepares the plates and brings them to the table.

9.) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

10.) Everyone praises man and thanks him for his cooking efforts.

11.) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed; her night off. And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there”s just no pleasing a woman.

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The Day the Wind Exposed More Than Their Golf Skills

Dave

The Englishman’s wife steps up to the tee, and as she bends over to place her ball, a sudden gust of wind blows her skirt up—revealing she isn’t wearing any underwear.

“Good God, woman! Why aren’t you wearing any knickers?” her husband demands.

“Well, you don’t give me enough housekeeping money to afford any,” she replies.

The Englishman immediately reaches into his pocket. “For the sake of decency, here’s fifty. Go and buy yourself some proper underwear.”

Next, the Irishman’s wife steps up to the tee. As she bends down to set her ball, the wind lifts her skirt and shows she, too, has nothing on underneath.

“Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You’ve no knickers! Why not?” the Irishman cries.

“I can’t afford any on the money you give me,” she explains.

He sighs, reaches into his pocket, and says, “For the sake of decency, here’s twenty. Go and buy yourself some underwear!”

Finally, the Scotsman’s wife bends over to place her ball. The wind whips up her skirt, revealing she is also completely bare beneath it.

“Sweet mother of Jaysus, Aggie! Where the frig are yer drawers?” he exclaims.

She shrugs. “Ye dinna give me enough money to afford any.”

The Scotsman reaches into his pocket, hands her a comb, and says, “Well, fer the love o’ Jaysus, and the sake o’ decency… tidy yerself up a bit.”

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26 Reasons Why Men Have 2 Dogs and Not 2 Wives:

Dave


1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.
2. Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs.
3. If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don”t hate it.
4. Dogs don”t notice if you call them by another dog”s name.
5. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.
6. A dog”s parents never visit.
7. Dogs do not hate their bodies.
8. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
9. Dogs like to do their snooping outside rather than in your wallet or desk.
10. Dogs seldom outlive you.
11. Dogs can”t talk.
12. You never have to wait for a dog; they”re ready to go 24 hours a day.
13. Dogs find you amusing when you”re drunk.
14. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.
15. Another man will seldom steal your dog.
16. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, “If I died, would you get another dog?”
17. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.
18. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.
19. A dog won”t hold out on you to get a new car.
20. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don”t get mad. They just think it”s interesting.
21. On a car trip, your dog never insists on running the heater.
22. Dogs don”t let magazine articles guide their lives.
23. When your dog gets old, you can have it put to sleep.
24. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pick-up truck.
25. Dogs are not allowed in Bloomingdale”s or Neiman-Marcus.

And, last but not least:
26. If a dog leaves, it won’t take half of your stuff.

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Chinese Sick Leave

Dave

Hung Chow called into work and says, “Hey, boss I no come work today, I really sick. Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come work.”

The boss says, “You know Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her give me sex. That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that.”

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. “Boss, I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon. You got nice house.”

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Few Short Stories of Stupid Events

Dave

Recently, when I went to McDonald”s I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets I asked for a half dozen nuggets. “We don”t have half dozen nuggets,” said the teenager at the counter. “You don”t?” I replied. “We only have six, nine, or twelve,” was the reply. “So I can”t order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?” “That”s right.” So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets.’, ‘I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those “dividers” that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn”t get mixed. After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the “divider”, looking it all over for t he bar code so she could scan it. Not finding the bar code she said to me, “Do you know how much this is?” I said to her “I”ve changed my mind, I don”t think I”ll buy that today.” She said “OK,” and I paid her for the things and left. She had no clue to what had just happened.

A lady at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly. When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM “thingy.”

I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. “Do you need some help?” I asked. She replied, “I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can”t get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?” “Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?” I asked. “No, just this remote thingy,” she answered, handing it and the car ke! ys to me . As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, “Why don”t you drive over there and check about the batteries. It”s a long walk.”

Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, “I”m almost out of typing paper. What do I do?” “Just use copier machine paper,” the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five “blank” copies.

I was in a car dealership a while ago, when a large motor home was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in “Twister.” I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the “cruise control” and then went in the back to make a sandwich.

My neighbor works in the operations department in the central office of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have problems with their computers. One night he got a call from a woman in one of the branch banks who had this question: “I”ve got smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?”

Police in Radnor, Pa., interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message “He”s lying” was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn”t telling the truth. Believing the “lie detector” was working, the suspect confessed.

A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she needs to take her kid to the emergency room, the kid was eating ants. The dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and should be fine. The mother says, “I just gave him some ant killer…..” Dispatcher: “Rush him in to emergency!”

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