Humor – Page 137 – The Kumachan

Love’s Fiery Revenge: A Tale of Unexpected Strength

Dave 2004-11-16

A wife came home just in time to find her husband in bed with another woman. With super-human strength borne of fury, she dragged him down the stairs, out the back door, and into the tool shed in the back yard and put his penis in a vice. She then secured it tightly and removed the handle. Next she picked up a hacksaw. The husband was terrified, and screamed, “Stop! Stop! You’re not going to cut it off, are you?” The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, put the saw in her husband’s hand and said, “Nope. I’m going to set the shed on fire. You do whatever you have to.”

Old Virus

Dave 2004-11-15

1. THE AL GORE Virus….(Causes your computer to just keep counting and counting)
2. THE CLINTON Virus….(Gives you a 7-Inch Hard Drive with NO memory)
3. THE BOB DOLE (aka: VIAGRA) virus…(Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy)
4. THE LEWINSKY Virus…(Sucks all the memory out of your computer, then Emails everyone about what it did)
5. THE RONALD REAGAN Virus….(Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored)
6. THE MIKE TYSON Virus….(Quits after two bytes)
7. THE OPRAH WINFREY Virus….(Your 300mb hard drive shrinks to 100mb, then slowly expands to restabilize around 200mb)
8. THE JACK KEVORKIAN Virus…(Deletes all old files)
9. THE ELLEN DEGENERES Virus…(Disks can no longer be inserted)
10. THE PROZAC Virus…(Totally screws up your RAM, but your Processor doesn”t care)
11. THE JOEY BUTTAFUOCO Virus…(Only attacks minor files)
12. THE ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER Virus…(Terminates some files, leaves,but will be back)
13. THE LORENA BOBBITT Virus…(Reformats your hard drive into a 3.5inch floppy, then discards it through Windows)

Fifty Dollars

Dave 2004-11-14

Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year and every year Morris would say, “Esther, I”d like to ride in that airplane.”

Esther always replied, “I know Morris, but that airplane ride costs 50 dollars, and 50 dollars is 50 dollars.”

One year Morris and Esther went to the fair and Morris said, “Esther, I”m 85 years old. If I don”t ride that airplane I might never get another chance.”

Esther replied, “Morris, that airplane ride costs 50 dollars, and 50 is dollars is 50 dollars.”

The pilot overheard them and said, “Folks, I”ll make you a deal. I”ll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won”t charge you; but if you say one word it”s 50 dollars.”

Morris and Esther agreed and up they went.

The pilot did all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word was heard. He did all his tricks over again, but still not a word. When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, “By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn”t.”

Morris replied, “Well, I was gonna say something when Esther fell out, but 50 dollars is 50 dollars.

Difference Between Men and Women Showering

Dave 2004-11-13

How to Shower Like a Woman

1. Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.
2. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
3. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror – make mental note to do more sit-ups
4. Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah, and pumice stone.
5. Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.
6. Wash your hair again to make sure it”s clean.
7. Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced with natural avocado oil. Leave on hair for 15 minutes.
8. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.
9. Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and Jaffa cake body wash.
10. Complain because your husband has been eating your ginger nut and Jaffa cake body wash.
11. Rinse conditioner off hair.
12. Shave armpits and legs.
13. Turn off shower.
14. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex.
15. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country. Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.
16. Check entire body for zits, tweeze unwanted hairs.
17. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.
18. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

How to Shower Like a Man

1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
2. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the ”woo-woo” sound.
3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror. Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your ass.
4. Get in the shower.
5. Wash your face.
6. Wash your armpits.
7. Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.
8. Make fart noises (real or artificial) and laugh at how loud they sound in the shower.
9. Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.
10. Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap.
11. Shampoo your hair.
12. Taste your wife”s ginger nut and Jaffa cake body wash.
13. Make a Shampoo Mohawk.
14. Pee.
15. Rinse off and get out of shower.
16. Partially dry off. Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time.
17. Admire wiener size in mirror again.
18. Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.
19. Return to bedroom with towel around your waist. If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the ”woo-woo” sound again.
20. Throw wet towel on bed.

Chores

Dave 2004-11-12

A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he has done his chores. “Not yet,” said the little boy. His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores. Well, he’s a little irritated so he goes to feed the chickens and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. How come I don’t get any eggs and bacon? Why don’t I have any milk in my cereal?” he asks. “Well, his mother says “I saw you kick a chicken, so you don’t get any eggs for a week”. “I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you are aren’t getting any milk.” Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen. The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, “Are you going to tell him, or should I?”

Questions & Answers

Dave 2004-11-10

Q: What’s a mixed feeling?
A: When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.

Q: What’s the height of conceit?
A: Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.

Q: What’s the definition of macho?
A: Jogging home from your vasectomy.

Q: What’s the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?
A: A guy will actually search for a golf ball.

Q: Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe sex?
A: They spray paint X’s on the back of the sheep that kick.

Q: Why is divorce so expensive?
A: Because it’s worth it.

Q: What is a Yankee?
A: The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

Q: What do a Christmas tree and priest have in common?
A: Their balls are just for decoration.

Q: What is the difference between “ooooooh”and “aaaaaaah”?
A: About three inches.

Q: What do you call a Lesbian with fat fingers?
A: Well-Hung.

Q: What’s the difference between purple and pink?
A: The grip.

Q. How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
A: It’s not hard.

Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
A: Kick his sister in the jaw.

Q: What’s the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
A: 45 pounds.

Q: What’s the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A: 45 minutes.

Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don’t have eyes.

Q: If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?
A: The swallow.

Q: What is the difference between medium and rare?
A: Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare.

Q: Why do most women pay more attention to their appearance than improving their minds?
A: Because most men are stupid but few are blind.

Q: Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
A: They don’t have balls to scratch.

Who is Jack Schitt

Dave 2004-11-08

For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt? We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, “You don”t know Jack Schitt!” Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way. Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deap Schitt and Dip Schitt. Against her parents” objections, Deap Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school drop out.

After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and, because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock. Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt.

Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Hoarse.

Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.

Circumcised?

Dave 2004-11-04

A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch and not paying attention. She went back to find out what was going on. He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy. The teacher told him to go down to the principal”s office. He was to phone his mother and ask her what he should do about it. He did it and returned to his class. Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room. She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his “member” hanging out.

“I thought I told you to call your mom.” she screamed. “I did,” he said, “And she told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she”d come and pick me up from school.”

Air Traffic Humor

Dave 2004-11-03

Tower: “Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o’clock, 6 miles!”
Delta 351: “Give us another hint! We have digital watches!”

2.) One day, the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee.
Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, “What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?” Our hero the Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with : “I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like that and I”ll have
enough parts for another one.”

3.) There”s a story about the military pilot calling for a priority landing, because his single-engine jet fighter was running “a bit peaked”. Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two, behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down. “Ah,” the fighter pilot remarked, “The dreaded Seven-Engine approach”.

4.) A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, “What was your last known position?”
Student: “When I was number one for takeoff”.

5.) Taxiing down the tarmac, the DC10 abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate.
After an hour-long wait, it finally took off. A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, “What was the problem?” “The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine,” explained the flight attendant,” and it took us a while to find a new pilot.”

6.) “Flight 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees..” “But Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?” “Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?”

7.) While on an evening flight on Southwest Airlines, I found it funny that the head Flight Attendant made this announcement when dimming the lights for take off: “Ladies and Gentleman, we will be dimming the cabin lighting to enhance the beauty of our flight attendants, thank you.

The Prisoner

Dave 2004-11-01

A prisoner escapes from his prison where he had been kept for 15 years. As he runs away, he finds a house and breaks into it looking for money and guns, but all he finds is a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed, ties him up on a chair. While tying the girl up to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her on the neck, then gets up, and goes to the bathroom.

While he is in there, the husband tells his wife: “Listen, this guy is an escaped prisoner, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in prison, and hasn’t seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don’t resist, don’t complain, just do what he tells you, give him satisfaction. This guy must be dangerous, if he gets angry, he will kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you”

To which the wife responds, “He was not kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay and found you very sexy, and asked if we kept any Vaseline in the bathroom… Be strong, honey. I love you too…

Breakfast

Dave 2004-10-21

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.

“Careful … CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my Gosh! You’re cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They’re going to STICK! Careful … CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you”re cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don’t forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!”

The wife stared at him. “What the heck is wrong with you? You think I don’t know how to fry a couple of eggs?”

The husband calmly replied, “I wanted to show you what it feels like when I’m driving with you in the car.”

Red Skeleton’s Tips for a Happy Marriage

Dave 2004-10-19

1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, then comes good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays; I go on Fridays.

2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in Ontario and mine is in Tucson.

3. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. “Somewhere I haven”t been for a long time!” she said. So I suggested the kitchen.

5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster, and electric bread maker. Then she said,” There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!” So I bought her an electric chair.

7. My wife told me the car wasn”t running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was, she told me, “In the Lake.”

8. She got a mud pack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

9. She ran after the garbage truck yelling, “Am I too late for the garbage?” The driver said, “No, jump in!”

10. Remember, Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.

11. Statistically, 100% of all divorces start with marriage.

12. I married Miss Right. I just didn”t know her first name was Always.

13. I haven”t spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don”t like to interrupt her.

14. The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, “What’s on the TV?” I said, “Dust.”

Olympic Commentators, OOPS!

Dave 2004-10-18

Here are the top nine comments made by NBC sports commentators during the Summer Olympics that they would like to take back:

1. Weightlifting commentator: “This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing.”

2. Dressage commentator: “This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother.”

3. Paul Hamm, Gymnast: “I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father.”

4. Boxing Analyst: “Sure there have been injuries, and even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious.”

5. Softball announcer: “If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again.”

6. Basketball analyst: “He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn’t like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces.”

7. At the rowing medal ceremony: “Ah, isn’t that nice, the wife of the IOC president is hugging Cox of the British crew.”

8. Soccer commentator: “Julian Dicks is everywhere. It’s like they’ve got eleven Dicks on the field.”

9. Tennis commentator: “One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is that, before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them…Oh my God, what have I just said?”

Fart in Bed

Dave 2004-10-16

This is a story about a couple, totally devoted to each other, who had been happily married for years. The only wee problem in their marriage was the husband’s habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise wakes his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air. Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn’t stop it and that it was a perfectly natural occurrence. “She asked him to see a doctor, saying she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out, but he only laughed. The years went by, and he continued to rip them out every morning.

Then one Thanksgiving morning, as the long-suffering wife was preparing the turkey for dinner while her dearly beloved was upstairs still sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the ‘spare parts’ and a naughty little thought came to her….She took the bowl of parts and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep. Gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts. Then she quietly tiptoed down to the kitchen to wait for the fun to begin.

A short while later she heard her husband awaken with his usual trumpeting….which was immediately followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom. The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture, she reckoned she had got back at him pretty good. About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his blood stained underpants with a look of horror on his face.

She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter.

He said, “Honey, you were right. All these years you have warned me and I didn’t listen to you.”

“What do you mean?” asked his wife.

“Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened….

But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and these two fingers, I think I got most of them back in.

Video Games Don’t Affect Kids

Dave 2002-08-19

Ten Rules for Dating My Daughter: A Guide to Surviving Her Dad’s Standards

Dave 2001-04-15

Some thoughtful information for those who are daughters, were daughters, have daughters, intend to have daughters, or intend to date a daughter.

Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk you’d better be delivering a package, because you’re sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter’s body, I will remove them.

Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don’t take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, In order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four: I’m sure you’ve been told that in today’s world, sex without utilizing a “barrier method” of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate: when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five: In order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is “early.”

Rule Six: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don’t you do something useful, like change the oil in my car?

Rule Eight: The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which feature chainsaws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine: Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a pot-bellied, balding, middle-aged, dim-witted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten: Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a sand dune outside of Iraq. When my Anthrax starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car. There is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.

Good to be a Man

Dave 2001-04-07

– Your last name stays put.
– The garage is all yours.
– Wedding plans take care of themselves.
– Chocolate is just another snack.
– You can be president.
– You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
– Car mechanics tell you the truth.
– You don’t give a rat’s ass if someone notices your new haircut.
– The world is your urinal.
– You never have to drive to another gas station because this one’s just too icky.
– Same work… more pay.
– Wrinkles add character.
– Wedding Dress $5000; Tux rental $100.
– People never stare at your chest when you’re talking to them.
– The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
– New shoes don’t cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
– Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: “So, notice anything different?”
– One mood, ALL the damn time.
– Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
– You know stuff about tanks.
– A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
– You can open all your own jars
– Dry cleaners and hair stylists don’t rob you blind.
– You can leave the motel bed unmade.
– You can kill your own food.
– You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
– If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.
– Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
– If you are 34 and single, nobody notices.
– Everything on your face stays its original color.
– You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger’s seat.
– Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
– You don’t have to clean your apartment if the maid is coming.
– You can quietly watch a game with a buddy for hours without thinking: “He must be mad at me.”
– You don’t mooch off other’s desserts.
– You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift.
– You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors.
– You don’t have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
– You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
– The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
– You don’t have to shave below your neck.
– Your belly usually hides your big hips.
– One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.
– You can “do” your nails with a pocketknife.
– You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustac-he.
– You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives, on December 24th, in 45 minutes.