Category: Humor

Brian Hester invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the meal, Brian”s mother couldn”t help but keep noticing how beautiful Brian”s room mate, Stephanie, was. Mrs. Hester had long been suspicious of a relationship between Brian and Stephanie, and this had only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two react, Mrs. Hester started to wonder if there was more between Brian and stephanie, than met the eye. Reading his mom”s thoughts, Brian volunteered, “I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you Stephanie and I are just room mates.”

About a week later, Stephanie came to Brian saying, “Ever since your mother came to dinner, I’ve been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don’t suppose she took it, do you?” Brian said, “Well, I doubt it, but I’ll send her am e-mail just to be sure.” So he sat down! and wrote:

Dear Mother:
I’m not saying that you “did” take the gravy ladle from the house, I’m not saying that you “did not” take the gravy ladle, but the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Love, Brian

Several days later, Brian received a letter from his mother that read:

Dear Son:
I’m not saying that you “do” sleep with Stephanie, and I’m not saying that you “do not” sleep with Stephanie. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.
Love, Mom

Related Posts

• Never Lie to Momma
• 50th Anniversary
• The Wedding Night

Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining a vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand in the weak light, tears running down her face. Her praying woke him from his slumber. He looked up, pale lips moving slightly.

“Becky my darling,” he whispered.

“Hush my love,” she said. “Rest, don”t talk.”

He was insistent. “Becky,” he said in his tired voice, “I have something that I must confess.”

“There”s nothing to confess,” replied the weeping Becky, “everything”s all right, go to sleep now.”

“No, no. I must die in peace, Becky. I…I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend and your mother.” “I know sweet one” whispered Becky, “let the poison work.

Related Posts

• Irish Ghost Story
• Best Toast
• Toast of the Night

When I was a kid adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were when they were growing up; what with walking twenty-five miles to school every morning uphill both ways through year ”round blizzards carrying their younger siblings on their backs to their one-room schoolhouse where they maintained a straight-A average despite their full-time after-school job at the local textile mill where they worked for 35 cents an hour just to help keep their family from starving to death!’, ‘And I remember promising myself that when I grew up there was no way in hell I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on kids about how hard I had it and how easy they”ve got it!

But…. Now that I”ve reached the ripe old age of twenty-nine, I can”t help, but look around and notice the youth of today. You”ve got it so ***** easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a goddamned Utopia! I hate to say it but you kids today you don”t know how good you”ve got it!

I mean, when I was a kid we didn”t have The Internet-we needed to find out something, we had to go to the goddamned library and look it up ourselves!

And there was no email! We had to actually write somebody a letter-with a pen! –And then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the ***** mailbox and it would take like a week to get there!

And there were no MP3s or Napsters! You wanted free music, you had to go to the damned record store and shoplift it yourself! Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio and the DJ”d usually talk over the beginning and f***ed it all up!

You want to hear about hardship? You couldn”t just download porn! You had to bribe some homeless dude to buy you a copy of “Hustler” at the 7-11! It was either that or jackoff to the lingerie section of the JC Penney catalog! Those were your options!

We didn”t have fancy shit like Call Waiting! If you were on the phone and somebody else called, they got a busy signal! And we didn”t have fancy Caller ID Boxes either! When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was. It could be your boss, your mom, your drug dealer, your ex-girlfriend, that ugly chick from math class, that hot chick from math class, you just didn”t know!!! You just had to pick it up and take your chances, mister!

And we didn”t have any fancy Sony Playstation videogames with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games like “Space Invaders” and “Asteroids” and the graphics sucked ass! Your guy was a little square! You had to use your imagination! And there were no multiple levels or screens; it was just one screen forever! And you could never win, the game just kept getting harder and faster until you died! Just like LIFE!

When you went to the movie theater there no such thing as Stadium seating! All the seats were the same height! A tall guy sat in front of you, you were screwed!

And sure, we had cable television, but back then that was only like 20 channels and there was no onscreen menu! You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on! And there was no Cartoon Network! You could only get cartoons on Saturday morning… D”ya hear what the ***** I”m saying!?! We had to wait ALL WEEK, you spoiled little bastards!

That”s exactly what I”m talking about! You kids today have got it too easy. You”re spoiled, I swear to God! You guys wouldn”t last five minutes back in 1980!

Related Posts

• A Christmas Story
• A Loving Grandpa
• One Smart Gator

You may not know that many non-living things have a gender. For example:

1.) Ziploc Bags — They are Male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.

2.) Copiers — They are Female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm them up again. It”s an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.

3.) Tire — Male, because it goes bald and it”s often over-inflated.

4.) Hot Air Balloon — Male, because, to get it to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under it and, of course, there”s the hot air component.

5.) Sponges — Female, because they”re soft, squeezable and retain water.

6.) Web Page — Female, because it”s always getting hit on.

7.) Subway — Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.

8.) Hourglass — Female, because over time, the weight can shift to the bottom.

9.) Hammer — Male, because it hasn”t changed much over the last 5,000 years, but it”s handy to have around.

10.) Remote Control — Female. Ha! You thought it”d be Male. But consider this — it gives a man pleasure, he”d be lost without it, and while he doesn”t always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.

Related Posts

• Eight Words with two Meanings
• Brave Man Jokes
• For All The Man-haters: Why Buy the Pig

An old farmer was hauling a load of manure when he was stopped by a state trooper. “You were speeding,” the cop said. “I’m going to have to give you a ticket.”

“Yep,” the farmer said as he watched the trooper shoo away several flies.

“These flies sure are terrible,” the trooper complained.

“Yep,” the farmer said. “Them are circle flies.”

“What’s a circle fly?”

“Them flies that circle a horse’s tail,” answered the farmer. “Them are circle flies.”

“You wouldn’t be calling me a horse’s ass, would you?” the trooper angrily asked.

“Nope, I didn’t” the farmer replied. “But you just can’t fool them flies.

Related Posts

• The Duck and the Lawyer
• Plastic Garbage Bags
• How to Tell the Sex of a Fly

A man is lying in bed in a Catholic hospital with an oxygen mask over his mouth. A young auxiliary nurse appears to sponge his face and hands. “Nurse,” he mumbles from behind the mask, “Are my testicles black?” Embarrassed the young nurse replies, “I don”t know, I”m only here to wash your face and hands.” He struggles again to ask, “Nurse, Are my testicles black?” Again the nurse replies, “I can”t tell. I”m only here to wash your face and hands.” The ward sister was passing and saw the man getting a little distraught so marched over to inquire what was wrong. “Sister,” he mumbled, “Are my testicles black?” Being a nurse of longstanding, the sister was undaunted. She whipped back the bedclothes, pulled down his pajama trousers, moved his penis out of the way, took a good look, pulled up the pajamas, replaced the bedclothes and announced, “Nothing wrong with them!!!” At this the man pulled off his oxygen mask and asked again, “Are my test results back?

Related Posts

• Circumcised
• Hold Up
• Circumcised?

The madam opened the brothel door to see a rather dignified, well-dressed good looking man in his late 60s or early 70s. “Can I help you?” she asked.
“I want to see Natalie’ the man replied.

“Sir, Natalie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else.” said the madam.

“No. I must see Natalie” was the man’s reply.

Just then, Natalie appeared and announced to the man that she charged $1,000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out ten one hundred dollar bills and gave them to Natalie and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left.

The next night, the same man appeared again, demanding to see Natalie.

Natalie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row – it was simply too expensive – and there were no discounts. The price was still $1,000. Again the man pulled out the money, gave it to Natalie and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left. The following night the man was there again.

Everyone was astounded that he had come for the third consecutive night, but he paid Natalie and they went upstairs. After their session, Natalie questioned the man. “No one as ever used me three nights in a row.” Where are you from?” she asked.

The man replied, “Texas.”
“Really” she said. “I have family in Texas.”
“I know,” the man said. “Your father died and I am your sister’s attorney.
She asked me to give you your $3,000 inheritance.”

The moral of the story is:

Some things in life are certain
1. Taxes
2. Death
3. Being screwed by a lawyer

Related Posts

• Taking Advantage
• Poker Player
• Brothel Trip

Two couples were playing poker one evening. John accidentally dropped some cards on the floor.

When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he couldn”t help but notice that Bill”s wife Sue”s, legs were spread wide and she wasn”t wearing any underwear! Shocked by this, John, upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.

Later, John went to the kitchen to get some refreshments.

Bill”s wife followed and asked, “Did you see anything you liked under there?”

Surprised by her boldness, John courageously admitted that, well, indeed he did.

She said, “Well, you can have it but it”ll cost you $500.”

After taking a minute or two to assess the financial as well as the moral costs of this offer, John indicated that he is indeed interested. She told him that since her husband, Bill, worked Friday afternoons and John didn”t, that John should be at her house around 2:00 Friday afternoon.

When Friday rolled around, John showed up at Bill”s house for the planned time with Sue at 2:00pm sharp and after paying her the agreed sum of $500, they went to the bedroom and closed their sexual transaction as Sue had promised.

Afterwards, John quickly dressed and left.

As usual, Bill came home from work at 6:00pm and upon entering the house, asked his wife abruptly, “Did John come by the house this afternoon?”

A little worried, Bill”s wife answered, “Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon.”

Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, “And did he give you $500?”

In terror, she assumed that somehow he had found out, and after mustering up her best poker face, replied, “Well, yes, in fact he did give me $500.”

Bill, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying, “Good, I was hoping he did. John came by the office this morning and borrowed $500 from me. He promised me he”d stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back.”

NOW THAT”S A POKER PLAYER.

Related Posts

• Poker
• 3 Certainties
• Twenty Dollars

My mother taught me to read when I was three years old (her first mistake). One day, I was in the bathroom and noticed one of the cabinet doors was ajar. I read the box in the cabinet.

I then asked my mother why she was keeping ”napkins” in the bathroom. Didn”t they belong in the kitchen? Not wanting to burden me with unnecessary facts, she told me that those were for “special occasions”.

Now fast forward a few months…

It”s Easter Day, and my folks are leaving to pick up the pastor and his wife for dinner. Mom had assignments for all of us while they were gone. Mine was to set the table.

When they returned, the pastor came in first and immediately burst into laughter. Next came his wife who gasped, then began giggling. Next came my father, who roared with laughter.

Then came mom, who almost died of embarrassment when she saw each place setting on the table with a “special occasion” napkin at each plate, with the fork carefully arranged on top. I had even tucked the little tail in so they didn”t hang off the edge!

My mother asked me why I used these and, of course, my response sent the other adults into further fits of laughter.

Related Posts

• Pregnant Turkey Story
• Only a Mom Would Know
• Want to Curl Up and Die?

I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, “How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?” I turned around and walked back out and never. My husband didn’t say a word, he knew better.
Melinda Lowe, 39, Seguin, TX

Pad, please! An insurance man visited me at home to talk about our mortgage insurance. He was throwing a lot of facts and figures at me, and I wanted to follow as best I could, so I told my 6-year-old son to run and get me a pad. He came back and handed me a Kotex right in front of our guest.
Kathy Newman, 46,Winston-Salem, NC

My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, “No, I”m just looking at your nuts. “My sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned,and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget.
Faye Emerick, 34, Ellerslie, MD

A lady picked up several items at a discount store. When she finally got to the checker, she learned that one of her items had no price tag. Imagine her embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom and boomed out for all the store to hear, “PRICE CHECK ON LANE THIRTEEN, TAMPAX SUPER SIZE.” That was bad enough, but somebody at the rear of the store apparently misunderstood the word “Tampax” for THUMBTACKS.” In a business-like tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom. “DO YOU WANT THE KIND YOU PUSH IN WITH YOUR THUMB OR THE KIND YOU POUND IN WITH A HAMMER?”
Diane E. Amov

Ask a child the same question too many times… Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean. Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him if he needed to go, and he said “No.” I kept thinking, “Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don”t have any clothes with me.” Then I said, “Danny, are you SURE you didn’t have an accident?” “No,” he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo! I asked one more time, “Danny, did you have an accident?” This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled. “SEE MOM, IT’S JUST FARTS!!” While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing. He calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better by thanking me for the best laugh they”d ever had!

Related Posts

• 50th Anniversary
• Daddy’s Gonna Eat Your Fingers
• Morals

Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and values. Stu said, “I didn”t sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?” Leroy replied, “I”m not sure, What was her maiden name?
———————————————————————-
A little boy went up to his father and asked: “Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from?” The father replied. “Well son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine”
————————————————————————
“Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,” the divorce court Judge said, “And I”ve decided to give your wife $775 a week.” “That”s very fair, your honor,” the husband said. “And every now and then I”ll try to send her a few bucks myself.”
————————————————————————
A doctor examined a woman, took the husband aside, and said, “I don”t like the looks of your wife at all,” “Me neither doc,” said the husband. “But she”s a great cook and really good with the kids.”
———————————————————————
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says, “Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse
on you.” The old man says without hesitation, “I now pronounce you man and wife.”
————————————————————————
Two Reasons Why It”s So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder.
1. All the DNA is the same.
2. There are no dental records.
————————————————————————
A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, “Can you tell me how long it”ll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City?”
The agent replies, “Just a minute…”
“Thank you,” the blonde says, and hangs up.
————————————————————————
Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez. “How was he killed?” asked one detective. “With a golf gun,” the other detective replied. “A golf gun?! What is golf gun?” “I don”t know. But it sure made a hole in Juan.”
————————————————————————
The investigation of Martha Stewart continues. Her recipe for chicken casserole is quite efficient. First you boil the chicken in water. And then you dump the stock.
————————————————————————
This guy has been sitting in a bar all night, staring at a blonde wearing the tightest pants he”s ever seen. Finally his curiosity gets the best of him, so he walks over and asks, “How do you get into those pants?”
The young woman looks him over and replies, “Well, you could start by buying me a drink.”
————————————————————————
Moe: “My wife got me to believe in religion.”
Joe: “Really?”
Moe: “Yeah. Until I married her I didn”t believe in hell.”
————————————————————————
A man is recovering from surgery when a nurse asks him how he is feeling. “I”m O. K. but I didn”t like the four-letter-word the doctor used in surgery,” he answered. “What did he say?” asked the nurse. “OOPS!”
————————————————————————
While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband”s advice.
“What do you think? ” I asked.
“Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?”
“Better get a bikini,” he replied. “You”d never get it all in one.”
————————————————————————
“Every morning in Africa, a gazelle wakes up. It knows it must run faster than the fastest lion or it will be killed…every morning a lion wakes up. It knows it must outrun the slowest gazelle or it will starve to death. It doesn”t matter whether you are a lion or a gazelle…when the sun comes up, you”d better be running.”

Related Posts

• Divorce Court
• Family Trends
• Twenty Dollars

A young cowboy and cowgirl decided to get married. After the wedding they left for their honeymoon and while driving down the road, the new bride saw a bull and a cow having sex. She asks, “What are they doing honey?” He answers, “They are roping!” She replies, “Oh, I see.” They drive a few more hours and she sees a horse and a mare having sex. Again she asks, “What are they doing honey?” He answers, “They are roping!” She replies, “Oh, I see.” They finally get to the hotel, washed up, and got ready for bed. They get in bed and start exploring each other”s body. She discovers his penis and asked, “What is this?” “That”s my rope,” he answers. She slides her hands down further and gasps, “What are those?” “They are my knots,” he replies. Finally, they begin making love. After several minutes, she says, “Stop, honey, wait a minute!” “What”s the matter baby?” he asks. She replies, “Undo those knots, I need more rope!

Related Posts

• Cow vs Sheep
• When You’re Over 60, Who Cares?
• Brokeback Mountain?

1. Your house plants are alive, and you can”t smoke any of them.
2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.
3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.
5. You hear your favorite song on an elevator.
6. You watch the Weather Channel.
7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook up and break up.
8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.
9. You”re the one calling the police because those damn kids next door won”t turn down the stereo.
11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
10. You don”t know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
11. Your car insurance goes down and your payments go up.
12. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonalds leftovers.
13. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
14. You no longer take naps from noon to 6:00 PM
15. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset rather than settle your stomach.
16. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condom and pregnancy tests.
17. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer “pretty good stuff.”
18. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.
19. You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that this doesn”t apply to you.

Related Posts

• Observations
• A Retired Person’s Perspective
• Nine Important Facts To Remember As We Grow Older

A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, “Please be gentle; I’m still a virgin.”

“What?” said the puzzled groom. “How can that be if you”ve been married ten times?”

“Well, husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he”d look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from Field Services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn”t get the system up.

Husband #4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn”t know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an Engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from Administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn”t sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychiatrist; all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was……..God, I miss him!

But now that I”ve married you, I”m so excited!”

“Good,” said the husband, “but, why?”

“You’re with the Government honey. This time I KNOW I’m gonna get screwed!

Related Posts

• $20.00
• Twenty Dollars
• Perspective

Monica Lewinsky was looking at herself in a mirror. Her frustration over her lack of ability to lose weight was depressing her. In an act of desperation, she decided to call on God for help. “God…if you take away my love handles, I’ll devote my life to you,” she prayed. And just like that, her ears fell off.

Related Posts

• Old Cow
• Getting into Heaven
• An Angel From Heaven