Category: Humor

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, “Harry, what”s your problem?”

Harry answered, “I”m too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I”m smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!”

Ms Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal”s office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.’, ‘Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: “What is 3 x 3?”

Harry: “9.”

Principal: “What is 6 x 6?”

Harry: “36.”

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, “I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade.”

Ms Brooks says to the principal, “Let me ask him some questions.”

The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms Brooks asks, “What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?”

Harry, after a moment: “Legs.”

Ms Brooks: “What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?”

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

Harry replied: “Pockets.”

Ms Brooks: “What does a dog do that a man steps into?”

Harry: “Pants.”

Ms Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?”

Harry: “Coconut.”

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms Brooks: “What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?”

The principal”s eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, “Bubble gum.”

Ms Brooks: “What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a
dog does on three legs?”

Harry: “Shake hands.”

The principal was trembling.

Ms Brooks: “What word starts with an ”F” and ends in ”K” that means a lot of heat and excitement?”

Harry: “Firetruck.”

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, “Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong.

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At the movie theater a man noticed a young woman sitting all by herself. He was excited to see she had both hands under her skirt and was frigging herself furiously.

He moved to the next seat to her and offered his help. She agreed, and the man started fingering her like crazy. When he tired and withdrew his hand, he was surprised to see her go back to work on herself with both hands. Wasn’t I good enough?” he asked sheepishly.

You were great,” she said, but these crabs are still itching!”

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The US Postal Service created a stamp with a picture of Senator Hillary Clinton to honor her achievements as the First Lady of our nation. In daily use it was shown that the stamp was not sticking to envelopes. This enraged Senator Clinton, who demanded a full investigation. After a month of testing, a special presidential commission made the following findings:

* The stamp was in perfect order.
* There was nothing wrong with the applied adhesive.
* People were spitting on the wrong side.

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A rugged cowboy from Brokeback Mountain, Wyoming, goes into the doctor’s office and has some tests run. The doctor comes back and says, “I am not going to beat around the bush. You have AIDS.” The cowboy tugs at his Stetson and sets his jaw and asks, “Doc, what can I do?” The doctor replies, “I want you to go home and eat 5 pounds of spicy sausage, a head of cabbage, 20 unpeeled carrots drenched in hot sauce, 10 Jalapeno peppers, 40 walnuts and 40 peanuts, half a box of Grapenuts cereal, and top it all off with a gallon of prune juice.” The cowboy squares his rugged shoulders and asks, “Will that cure me, Doc?” The doctor says, “No, but it should leave you with a better understanding of what your ass is for.

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A Pastor went to his church office on Monday morning and discovered a dead mule in the church yard He telephoned the police. Since there did not appear to be any foul play, the police referred the Pastor to the Health Department.

They explained, “Since there was no health threat, you”ll need to call the Sanitation Department.”

When the pastor called the Sanitation Department, the Manager of the Sanitation Department said, “I can”t pick up that dead mule without authorization from the mayor.” The Pastor was not at all too eager to call the mayor, who possessed a very bad temper and was always extremely unpleasant and hard to deal with, but, eventually, the Pastor called the mayor anyway.

The mayor did not disappoint the Pastor. The mayor immediately began to rant and rave. After his continued rant at the pastor, the mayor finally said, “Why did you call me any way? Isn”t it your job to bury the dead?”

The pastor paused for a brief prayer, and asked the Lord to direct his response.

The lord led the pastor to the words he was seeking, “Well Yes, Mayor, it IS my job to bury the dead, but I always like to notify the next of kin first!

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Mrs. Gonzalez comes to visit her son Jose for dinner. Jose lives with a female roommate, Maria. During the course of the meal, Mama can’t help but notice how pretty Jose’s roommate is. She had long been suspicious of the relationship between the two, and this made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between her son, Jose and his roommate than meets the eye. Reading his Mom’s thoughts, Jose volunteered, “I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Mama, Maria and I are just roommates.”

About a week later, Maria comes to Jose saying, “Ever since your mother came to dinner, I’ve been unable to find the silver sugar bowl. You don’t suppose she took it, do you?” “Well, I doubt it, but I’ll e-mail her, just to be sure.” So he sends his Mom an email:’, ‘Dear Mama,
I’m not saying that you took the sugar bowl from my house, and I’m not saying that you didn’t take it.
But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Love, Jose

Several days later, Jose receives an email response from his Mama:

Mijo,
I’m not saying that you ”do” sleep with Maria, and I’m not saying that you ”do not” sleep with her.
But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the sugar bowl by now.
Love, Mama

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Three men are sitting stiffly side by side on a long commercial flight. After they’re airborne and the plane has leveled off, the man in the window seat abruptly says, distinctly and confidently, in a loud voice, “Admiral, United States Navy, retired. Married, two sons, both surgeons.”

After a few minutes the man in the aisle seat states through a tight lipped smile, “Admiral, United States Coast Guard, retired. Married, two sons, both Judges.”

After some thought, the fellow in the center seat decides to introduce himself. With a twinkle in his eye he proclaims, “Master Chief Gunnery Sergeant, United States Marines, retired. Never married, two sons, both Admirals.

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“Well,” snarled the tough old Navy chief to the bewildered seaman, “I suppose after you get discharged from the Navy, you’ll just be waiting for me to die so you can come and “P” on my grave.”

“Not me, Chief!” the seaman replied. “Once I get out of the Navy, I’m never going to stand in line again!”

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An Air Force chief master sergeant and a general officer were sitting in the barbershop. They were both just getting finished with their shaves, when the barbers reached for some after-shave to slap on their faces. The general shouted, “Hey, don’t put that stuff on me! My wife will think I’ve been in a whorehouse!”

The chief turned to his barber and said, “Go ahead and put it on me. My wife doesn’t know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like.”

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A woman walks into her accountant’s office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes. The accountant says: “Before we begin, I’ll need to ask you a few questions.” He gets her name, address, social security number, etc, and then asks, “What is your occupation?”

“I’m a whore,” she says.

The accountant balks and says, “No, No, No, that won’t work. That is too gross. Let’s try to rephrase that.”

The woman says, “OK., I’m a high-end call girl.”

“No, that is still too crude. Try again.”

They both think for a minute, then the woman says, “I’m an elite chicken farmer.”

The accountant asks, “What does chicken farming have to do with being a whore & call girl? “Well, I raised over a thousand little peckers last year.”

He replies: “Good enough.”

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Do you have feelings of inadequacy? Do you suffer from shyness? Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist about Tequila.

Tequila is the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident about yourself and your actions. Tequila can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world that you”re ready and willing to do just about anything. You will notice the benefits of Tequila almost immediately, and with a regimen of regular doses you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want to live. Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past, and you will discover many talents you never knew you had Stop hiding and start living, with Tequila. ‘, ‘Tequila may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use Tequila. However, women who wouldn”t mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it. Side effects may include dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration, erotic lustfulness, loss of motor control, loss of clothing, loss of money, loss of virginity, delusions of grandeur, table dancing, headache, dehydration, dry mouth, and a desire to sing Karaoke and play all-night rounds of Strip Poker, Truth Or Dare, and Naked Twister.

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An 80-year-old man goes for a physical. All of his tests come back with normal results. The doctor says, “George, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?”

George replies, “God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he”s fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! the light goes on. When I”m done, poof! the light goes off.”

“Wow, that”s incredible,” the doctor says.

A little later in the day, the doctor calls George”s wife. “Ethel,” he says, “George is doing fine! But I had to call you because I”m in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and poof! the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he”s done, poof! the light goes off?”

“Oh my God!” Ethel exclaims. “He’s peeing in the refrigerator again!”

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Two fleas had an arrangement to meet every winter in Miami for a vacation.
Last year when one flea gets to Miami, he”s shivering and shaking.

The other flea asks him, “Why are you shaking so badly?”

The first flea says, “I rode down here from New Jersey in the mustache of a guy on a Harley.”

The other flea responds saying,” That”s the worst way to travel. Try what I do. Go to the New Jersey airport bar. Have a few drinks. While you are there, look for a nice stewardess. Crawl up her leg and nestle in where it”s warm and cozy. It”s the best way to travel that I can think of.”

The first flea thanks the second flea and says he will give it a try next winter.
A year goes by….. When the first flea shows up in Miami he is shivering and shaking again.

The second flea says, “Didn”t you try what I told you?”

“Yes,” says the first flea, “I did exactly as you said. I went to the New Jersey airport bar. I had a few drinks. Finally, this nice young stewardess came in. I crawled right up to her warm cozy spot. It was so nice and warm that I fell asleep. When I woke up, I was back in the mustache of a guy on a Harley.

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A woman was walking down the street when she was approached by a man.

The man said, “I want to have sex with you right now! I’ll drop 500 dollars on the ground at your feet and in the time it takes for you to pick it up I will screw you from behind and be on my way!”

The woman thought it over and told the man to wait a minute. She called her girlfriend on her cell phone and told her about the man’s proposition.

Her girlfriend said ” When he drops the $500 on the ground I’m sure you can pick it up and run before he gets his pants down. Call me back and tell me what happened.”

An hour and a half later the lady called her girlfriend back. “What happened?” the girlfriend asked.

The lady said “That Son-Of-A-bitch had $500 in quarters.”

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A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic garbage bags with her, one in each hand. There’s a hole in one of the bags, and every once in a while a $20 bill is flying out of it onto the pavement.
Noticing this, a policeman stops her….”Ma’am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag…”
“Damn!” says the little old lady…..”I’d better go back and see if I can still find some. Thanks for the warning!”
“Well, now, not so fast,” says the cop. “How did you get all that money?” ” Did you steal it?”
“Oh, no”, says the little old lady. “You see, my back yard backs up to the parking lot of the football stadium.
Each time there’s a game, a lot of fans come and pee in the bushes, right into my flower beds!”
“So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each time someone sticks his little thingie through the bushes, I say: $20 or off it comes!”
“Hey, not a bad idea!” laughs the cop. “OK, good luck! By the way, what’s in the other bag?”
“Well”, says the little old lady, “not all of them pay.”

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While she was “flying” down the road yesterday, a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait. The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, “What’s your hurry?”
To which she replied, “I’m late for work.”
“Oh yeah,” said the cop, “what do you do?”
I’m a rectum stretcher,” she responded.
The cop stammered, “A what ?
A rectum stretcher?
And just what does a rectum stretcher do?”
“Well,” she said, “I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch it, until it’s about 6 feet wide.”
“And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole?” he asked.
“You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge…”‘, ‘Traffic Ticket $95.00
Court Costs $45.00
Look on the Cop’s Face……………PRICELESS

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