Indians Don’t Use Saddles

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A woman from   New York was driving through a remote
part of Arizona when her car broke down.

An American Indian on horseback came along and offered
her a ride to a nearby town.

She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off.
The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the
Indian would let out a Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a’ so loud that it
echoed from the surrounding hills and canyon walls.
When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service
station, yelled one final ‘Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!’ and rode off.
“What did you do to get that Indian so excited?” asked the
service-station attendant.
“Nothing,” the woman answered  “I merely sat behind him on
the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto the
saddle horn so I wouldn’t fall off.”

“Lady,” the attendant said, “Indians don’t use saddles.”
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Okinawa Expo Park and Churaumi Aquarium

Went and visited the Okinawa Expo Park and the Churaumi Aquarium that is located within the park. This was definitely something to see. The Aquarium is known for having five whale sharks in captivity in this massive tank. The size of it was very impressive. There were other nice things to see around the part such as the vegetation, the spectacular views, the dolphin show, and you must see the whale sharks. There were some other things that were kind of neat such as using PVC pipes to act as mangrove tree roots for fish to live in.

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7 Reasons Not To Mess with Children

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.  The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.  The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.   Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, ‘When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah’.
The teacher asked, ‘What if Jonah went to hell?’
The little girl replied, ‘Then you ask him’.

A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child’s work.  As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.
The girl replied, ‘I’m drawing God.’
The teacher paused and said, ‘But no one knows what God looks like.’
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, ‘They will in a minute.’

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.  After explaining the commandment to ‘honour’ thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, ‘Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?’
Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, ‘Thou shall not kill.’

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.  She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, ‘Why are some of your hairs white, Mum?’
Her mother replied, ‘Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.’
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, ‘Mummy, how come ALL of grandma’s hairs are white?’

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.  ‘Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, ‘There’s Jennifer, she’s a lawyer,’ or ‘That’s Michael, He’s a doctor..’
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, ‘And there’s the teacher, she’s dead.’

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, ‘Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.’
‘Yes,’ the class said.
‘Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn’t run into my feet?’
A little fellow shouted, ‘Cause your feet ain’t empty.’

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:
‘Take only ONE. God is watching.’
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.  A child had written a note, ‘Take all you want. God is watching the apples.’

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Lesbians Eat What?

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Getting Old

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Flowers in Japan

This was a real small flower that I was trying to take some photos from different angles to see which point of view would turn out better.
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Flowers in Kanagawa, Japan

Here I was playing around with taking some macro photos of cherry blossoms and other flowers with my camera in Kanagawa, Japan. Here are the photos from that experience.

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Odawara Castle, Japan

Took the train and went over to Odawara castle today to take some photos of the castle and the cherry blossoms. To my surprise there was a festival and a couple taking some wedding photos in front of the castle. This castle is not as big as some of the other castles I have been to, but it was still a neat experience because this castle is located close to both the mountains and the ocean.
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Replacement Windows

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive, double-pane, energy-efficient kind.

Today, I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He complained that the work had been completed a year ago and I still hadn’t paid for them.

Just because I’m blonde doesn’t mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I told him just what his fast-talking sales guy told me last year… that these windows would PAY FOR THEMSELVES in a year.

Hellooooo? It’s been a year, so they’re paid for, I told him. There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally hung up. He never called back.

I bet he felt like an idiot.

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Purple Flowers in Japan


As I was passing by I noticed these pretty purple flowers on a tree in Kanagawa, Japan, so I decided to stop and practice taking some macro photos of them. I wish I knew what type of tree and flowers these are because it really is pretty.

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Odakyu Train Line


Japan is world renowned for public mass transit by moving millions of people every single day. The Japanese train lines are very good with being on schedule and clean. Here are some photos of the Odakyu Train line showing trains coming in both directions near Chuo-rinkan train station.

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Signs

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Darwin Awards

Here is the glorious winner:
1. When his 38 caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach, California would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.

And now, the honorable mentions:
2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine and after a little shopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a finger… The chef’s claim was approved.

3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.

4.. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride… He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies… The deception wasn’t discovered for 3 days.

5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.

6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter… The total amount of cash he got from the drawer… $15. [If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?]

7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly… He decided that he’d just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape…

8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, “Yes, officer, that’s her. That’s the lady I stole the purse from.”

9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 5 A.M., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn’t open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren’t available for breakfast… The man, frustrated, walked away.

[*A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER]

10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street by sucking on a hose, he got much more than he bargained for… Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline, but he plugged his siphon hose into the motor home’s sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges saying that it was the best laugh he’d ever had and the perp had been punished enough!

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A Loving Grandpa

A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly behaved 3 year-old grandson.

It’s obvious to her that he has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets in the sweet aisle, biscuits in the biscuit aisle; and for fruit, cereal and pop in the other aisles.

Meanwhile, Granddad is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice, “Easy, William, we won’t be long, easy, boy.”

Another outburst, and she hears the granddad calmly say, “It’s okay, William, just a couple more minutes and we’ll be out of here. Hang in there, boy.”

At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out of the cart, and Granddad says again in a controlled voice, “William, William, relax buddy, don’t get upset. We’ll be home in five minutes; stay cool, William.”

Very impressed, the woman goes outside where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car.

She said to the elderly gentleman, “It’s none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don’t know how you did it. That whole time, you kept your
composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay. William is very lucky to have you as his grandpa.”

“Thanks,” said the grandfather, “but I’m William …….the little shit’s name is Kevin.”

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Just a Wee Bit….

“An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the
responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce beautiful children beyond compare.

With that as his mission he began to search for the perfect woman.

Shortly there after he met a Redneck who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away.
So he explained his mission to the Redneck and asked for permission to marry one of them.

The Redneck simply replied, “They’re lookin’ to get married, so you came to the right place. Look ’em over and pick the one you want.”

The man dated the first daughter. The next day the Redneck asked for the man’s opinion.

“Well,” said the man, “she’s just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice…pigeon-toed.”

The Redneck nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls; so the man went out with the second daughter.

The next day, the Redneck again asked how things went.

“Well,”the man replied, “she’s just a weeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell…cross-eyed.”

The Redneck nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things might be better. So he did.

The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming,
“She’s perfect, just perfect. She’s the one I want to marry.”

So they were wed right away. Months later the baby was born. When the man visited the nursery he was horrified: the baby was
the ugliest, most pathetic human you can imagine. He rushed to his father-in-law and asked how such a thing could happen considering the beauty of the parents.

“Well,” explained the Redneck…
“She was just a weeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell…….pregnant when you met her.”

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Disco

Husband takes the wife to a disco. There’s a guy on the dance floor giving it large – break dancing, moon-walking, back flips, the works.

The wife turns to her husband and says: “See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down.”

Husband says: “Looks like he’s still celebrating!!!

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Confucius Say…

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What’s With All The Feathers?

A female reporter, interviewing an American Indian chief, asked the significance of the varied number of feathers in Indian headdresses.

“Feathers show number of sexual partners,” the chief replied. Indicating a nearby young brave, he continued, “Him? One woman, one feather. Him?” pointing to a second, older man, “Three women, three feathers.”

The reporter looked at the Chief’s headdress. “But you have so many feathers!”

The Chief proudly slapped his chest. “Me Chief. Sleep with all women. Big, small, fat, tall.”

Horrified, the female reporter said, “You ought to be hung!”

The Chief said, “Damn right. Me hung big like buffalo, long like snake.”

The offended reporter said, “You don’t have to be hostile!”

The Chief replied, “Hoss-style, dog-style, wolf-style, any style!”

The reporter cried, “Oh, dear!”

“No deer”, said the Chief. “Ass too high, run too fast!”

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Vive la France

French_Drunk_Test

This happened to an Englishman in France who was totally drunk. The French policeman stops his car and asks the gentleman if he has been drinking. With great difficulty, the Englishman admits that he has been drinking all day, that his daughter got married in the morning to a French man, and that he drank champagne and a few bottles of wine at the reception and a quite few glasses of single malt there after.

Quite upset, the policeman proceeds to alcotest (breath test) him and asks the Englishman if he knows under French Law why he has just been arrested.

The Englishman answers with humor: No! Do you know that this is a British car and that my wife is the driver… on the other side???

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Walking on the Grass

The room was full of pregnant women with their husbands.

The instructor said, “Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier. Just pace yourself, make plenty of stops and try to stay on a soft surface like grass or a path.” “Gentlemen, remember — you’re in this together. It wouldn’t hurt you to go walking with her. In fact, that shared experience would be good for you both.”

The room suddenly became very quiet as the men absorbed this information. After a few moments a man, name unknown, at the back of the room, slowly raised his hand.

“Yes?” said the Instructor.

“I was just wondering if it would be all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?”

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Presidents Day

I was eating breakfast with my 10-year-old Granddaughter and I asked her,What day is tomorrow?”

Without skipping a beat she said, “It’s Presidents Day!” .

She’s smart, so I asked her “What does Presidents Day mean?”

I was waiting for something about Barack Obama, George W. Bush or Bill Clinton, etc. She replied, “Presidents Day is when the
President steps out of the White House, and if he sees his shadow, we have 4 more years of bull shit.”

You know, it hurts when hot coffee spurts out your nose.

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Snow on the Mountains in Japan


Driving on 246 highway toward Atsugi City in Japan you can see a light dusting of snow on the mountains.

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The Man Who Gave up Sex for Golf

A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead by a couple of strokes. “Boy, I’d give anything to sink this putt,” the golfer mumbles to himself.

Just then, a stranger walks up beside him and whispers, “Would you be willing to give up one-fourth of your sex life?”

Thinking the man is crazy and his answer will be meaningless, the golfer also feels that maybe this is a good omen, so he says, “Sure,” and sinks the putt.

Two holes later, he mumbles to himself again, “Gee, I sure would like to get an eagle on this one.”

The same stranger is at his side again and whispers, “Would it be worth giving up another fourth of your sex life?”

Shrugging, the golfer replies, “Okay.” And he makes an eagle.

On the final hole, the golfer needs another eagle to win.

Without waiting for him to say anything, the stranger quickly moves to his side and says, “Would winning this match be worth giving up the rest of your sex life?”

“Definitely,” the golfer replies, and he makes the eagle.

As the golfer is walking to the club house, the stranger walks alongside him and says, “I haven’t really been fair with you because you don’t know who I am. I’m Satan, and from this day forward you will have no sex life.”

“Nice to meet you, “the golfer replies, “I’m Father O’Malley.”

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Win Back the Hearts of Voters for 2014

Nancy Pelosi called Harry Reid into her office one day and said, “Harry, I have a plan to win back the hearts of voters in Middle America in 2014!”

“Great Nancy, but how?” asked Harry.

“We’ll get some cheap, tacky clothes and shoes, like most Middle Class Americans wear, then stop at the animal shelter and pick up a Labrador retriever. Then, we’ll go to a nice old roadhouse in Texas and show them how much admiration and respect we have for the hard working middle-class people living there.”

So they did, and found just the place they were looking for in Odessa, Texas. With the dog in tow, they walked inside and stepped up to the bar.

The Bartender took a step back and said, “Hey! Aren’t you Harry Reid and Nancy Pelosi?”

“Yes we are!” said Nancy, “And what a lovely town you have here. We were passing through and Harry suggested we stop and take in some local color.”

They ordered a round of Lone Star beer for the whole bar, and started chatting up a storm with anyone who would listen.

A few minutes later, a grizzled old rancher came in, walked up to the Labrador, lifted up its tail, looked underneath, shrugged his shoulders and walked out. A few moments later, in came another old rancher. He walked up to the dog, lifted up its tail, looked underneath, scratched his head and left the bar.

For the next hour, another dozen ranchers came in, lifted the dog’s tail, and left shaking their heads.

Finally, Nancy asked, “Why did all those old ranchers come in and look under the dog’s tail? Is it some sort of custom?”

“Oh, hell no,” said the bartender. “Somebody’s running around town tellin’ folks there’s a Labrador Retriever in here with two assholes!”

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Do Elephants Remember?

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In 1972, Joe Miller was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Tulsa Junior College.

On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Joe approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee, inspected the elephants foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Joe worked the wood out with his knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.

The elephant turned to Joe, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Joe stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled.
Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away. Joe never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Thirty years later, Joe was walking through the Tulsa Zoo with his family. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Joe and his family were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Joe, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times, then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1972, Joe could not help wondering if this was the same elephant… Joe summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing, and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Joe’s legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.

Probably wasn’t the same elephant.

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Texas State Police Are Cracking Down on Speeders

The Texas State Police are cracking down on speeders heading into Dallas. For the first offense, they give you 2 Dallas Cowboy tickets. If you get stopped a second time, they make you use them.

Q. What do you call 47 millionaires around a TV watching the Super Bowl?
A. The Dallas Cowboys

Q. How do you keep a Dallas Cowboy out of your yard?
A. Put up a goal post.

Q. What do you call a Dallas Cowboy with a Super Bowl ring?
A. Old

Q. What’s the difference between the Dallas Cowboys and a dollar bill?
A. You can still get four quarters out of a dollar bill.

Q. How many Dallas Cowboys does it take to win a Super Bowl?
A. Nobody remembers.

Q. What do the Cowboys and possums have in common?
A. Both play dead at home and get killed on the road!

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Male Logic: Critical Thinking At Its Best!

Woman:
Do you drink beer?

Man:
Yes.

Woman:
How many beers a day?

Man:
Usually about 3

Woman:
How much do you pay per beer?

Man:
$5.00 which includes a tip

(This is where it gets scary !)

Woman:
And how long have you been drinking?

Man:
About 20 years, I suppose.

Woman:
So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450. In one year, it would be approximately $5400 correct?

Man:
Correct.

Woman:
If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the past 20 years puts your spending at $108,000 correct?

Man:
Correct

Woman:
Do you know that if you didn’t drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?

Man:
Do you drink beer?

Woman:
No.

Man:
Where’s your Ferrari?

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Bar Room Logic

If life is a waste of time, and time is a waste of life, then let’s all get wasted together and have the time of our lives.
Armand’s Pizza, Washington, DC

Fighting for peace is like Screwing for virginity.
The Bayou, Baton Rouge, LO

No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting up with her shit.
Men’ s Room Linda’s Bar and Grill, Chapel Hill, NC

It’s hard to make a comeback When you haven’t been anywhere.
Written in the dust on the back of a bus, Wickenburg, AZ

Make love, not war. Hell, do both GET MARRIED!
Women’s restroom The Filling Station, Bozeman, MT

If voting could really change things, it would be illegal. Revolution Books
New York, New York

If pro is opposite of con, then what is the opposite of progress? Congress!
Men’s restroom House of Representatives, Washington, DC

Express Lane: Five beers or less.
Sign over one of the urinals Ed Debevic’s, Phoenix , AZ

You’re too good for him..
Sign over mirror in Women’s restroom Ed Debevic’s, Beverly Hills, CA

No wonder you always go home alone.
Sign over mirror in Men’s restroom, Ed Debevic’s, Beverly Hills, CA

A Woman’s Rule of Thumb: If it has tires or testicles, you’re going to have trouble with it.
Women’s restroom Dick’s Last Resort, Dallas, TX

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The Amazing WD-40

I had a neighbor who bought a new pickup. I got up very early one Sunday morning and saw that someone had spray painted red all around the sides of this beige truck (for some unknown reason). I went over, woke him up, and told him the bad news. He was very upset and was trying to figure out what to do…probably nothing until Monday morning, since nothing was open. Another neighbor came out and told him to get his WD-40 and clean it off. It removed the unwanted paint beautifully and did not harm his paint job that was on the truck. I was impressed!

WD-40 (Water Displacement #40):
The product began from a search for a rust preventative solvent and degreaser to protect missile parts. WD-40 was created in 1953, by three technicians at the San Diego Rocket Chemical Company. Its name comes from the project that was to find a ‘Water Displacement’ Compound. They were finally successful for a formulation, with their fortieth attempt, thus WD-40. The ‘Convair Company’ bought it in bulk to protect their atlas missile parts. Ken East (one of the original founders) says there is nothing in WD-40 that would hurt you.

When you read the ‘shower door’ part, try it. It’s the first thing that has ever cleaned that spotty shower door. If yours is plastic, it works just as well as on glass. It’s a miracle!

Then try it on your stove-top. It will be shinier than it’s ever been. You’ll be amazed.

WD-40 Uses:
1. Protects silver from tarnishing.
2. Removes road tar and grime from cars.
3. Cleans and lubricates guitar strings.
4. Gives floor that ‘just-waxed’ sheen without making them slippery.
5. Keeps the flies off of Cows, Horses, and other Farm Critters, as well.
6. Restores and cleans chalkboards.
7. Removes lipstick stains.
8. Loosens stubborn zippers.
9. Untangles jewelry chains.
10. Removes stains from stainless steel sinks.
11. Removes dirt and grime from the barbecue grill.
12. Keeps ceramic / terracotta garden pots from oxidizing.
13. Removes tomato stains from clothing.
14. Keeps glass shower doors free of water spots. Works on plastic too.
15. Camouflages scratches in ceramic and marble floors.
16. Keeps scissors working smoothly.
17. Lubricates noisy door hinges on both home and vehicles doors.
18. Removes tar and scuff marks from the kitchen flooring. Don’t have to scrub nearly as hard to get them off.
19. Remove those nasty Bug guts that will eat away the finish on your car if not removed quickly!
20. Gives a children’s playground gym slide a shine for a super-fast slide.
21. Lubricates gearshift and mower deck lever for ease of handling on riding mowers.
22. Rids kids rocking chair and swings of squeaky noises.
23. Lubricates tracks in sticking home windows and makes them easier to open.
24. Spraying an umbrella stem makes it easier to open and close.
25. Restores and cleans padded leather dashboards in vehicles, as well as vinyl bumpers.
26. Restores and cleans roof racks on vehicles.
27. Lubricates and stops squeaks in electric fans.
28. Lubricates wheel sprockets on tricycles, wagons, and bicycles for easy handling.
29. Lubricates fan belts on washers and dryers and keeps them running smoothly.
30. Keeps rust from forming on saws and saw blades, and other tools.
31. Removes grease splatters from stove-tops.
32. Keeps bathroom mirror from fogging.
33. Lubricates prosthetic limbs.
34. Keeps pigeons off the balcony (they hate the smell).
35. Removes all traces of duct tape.
36. Folks even spray it on their arms, hands, and knees to relieve arthritis pain.
37. Florida’s favorite use is: ‘cleans and removes love bugs from grills and bumpers.’
38. The favorite use in the state of New York, it protects the Statue of Liberty from the elements.
39. WD-40 attracts fish. Spray a little on live bait or lures and you will be catching the big one in no time.
40. Use it for fire ant bites. It takes the sting away immediately and stops the itch.
41. It is great for removing crayon from walls. Spray it on the marks and wipe with a clean rag.
42. Washed and dried a tube of lipstick with the laundry, saturate the lipstick spots with WD-40 and rewash.
43. If you spray it inside a wet distributor cap, it will displace the moisture, allowing the engine to start.

…and the main basic ingredient in WD-40? Fish oil.

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Christmas 2013

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Christmas Lights

This Is Why I Don’t Put Christmas Lights On A Palm Tree.

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Matsumoto Castle, Japan

Went to Matsumoto Castle located in Nagano Prefecture on the Island of Honshu, Japan. This was quite the experience and it was spectacular to be able to see the castle both on the inside and out, but also the panoramic views of the mountains and the city that was built long after the castle. Some of the unique features about this castle is that when you first enter the castle the incline of the steps was at a low angle with many steps, but the higher you go the further apart the steps become and the fewer they are. Another interesting thing is that this castle is one of only two that has a moon room that was use to write poetry in. Also, this castle has a hidden floor that was use to store weapons and ammunition. I hope you enjoy the photos from the experience as much as I enjoyed the experience itself.

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Sights Along the Drive From Tokyo to Nagano

Took a drive in Japan from Tokyo to Nagano today and took some photos along the way. Some of the mountains that you can see are the Minami Alps. I got a couple shots of some cars. The views along the drive were very nice and so was the experience.
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Fine, I’ll Wait

A seriously depressed woman stands at the edge of a cliff, trying to get the nerve up to jump. A passing hobo stops and says, “since you’re about to kill yourself anyway, would you mind if we had sex first?”

The woman said “Hell no … get away from me!”

The bum turned to leave and muttered “Fine, I’ll just go wait at the bottom.”

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Nagano Ninja Village


I have heard about a ninja village near Nagano, Japan so I decided to check it out. This was a pretty cool place because they had everything you could imagine from trap doors, to ninja star throwing, blow dart shooting, and all sorts of obstacles. They even had some water obstacles. The cool part of this was that it was high in the mountains in a secluded area much like you would expect a ninja village to be. The training had all the basic skills a ninja would use. The obstacles were more for children as you can see in the images, but regardless it was still pretty fun.

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Eight Words with two Meanings

1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female…… Any part under a car’s hood.
Male….. The strap fastener on a woman’s bra.

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female…. Fully opening up one’s self emotionally to another.
Male….. Playing football without a cup.

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female… The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one’s partner.
Male… Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.

4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female….. A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male…… Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female…. A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male…… Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female…. An embarrassing by-product of indigestion. (For some, see Male below)
Male…… A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.

7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female…… The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male….. Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.

8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female…. A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male… A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.

AND:

He said… I don’t know why you wear a bra; you’ve got nothing to put in it.
She said… You wear pants don’t you?

He said… Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said… That’s a good idea – you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart!

He said… What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said…Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

He said… Why are married women heavier than single women?
She said… Single women come home, see what’s in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what’s in bed and go to the fridge.

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An Island is Born

A yacht was traveling in the south Pacific when the crew came across a weird sight. Look at these photos and try to imagine the thrill of experiencing this phenomenon.

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A BEACH?

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NO!!!!This is not a beach;

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it is volcanic stones floating on the water.

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WHERE IS THE VOLCANO?

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UNBELIEVABLE SITE, SO TAKE PICTURES
NO ONE WOULD BELIEVE IT

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THE WAKE OF MY SHIP

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STAY ON THE EDGE OF THE WATER then this was spotted, ash & steam rising from the ocean.

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And, while WE were watching…

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A plume of black ash…HUGE CLOUD. COVERING RED EVEN THIS FAR AWAY

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THEN THE SKY TURNS BLACK WITH ASH
AND THE OCEAN GOLD WITH SUNS REFLECTION

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OUT OF THE OCEAN MOUNTAIN PEAKS ARISE?

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MORE ERUPTIONS ASH AND CLOUDS

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THE MOUNTAIN PEAKS RISE HIGHER WITHIN MINUTES

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A brand new island formed…

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CREATION OF MOUNTAINS

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Can you imagine the thrill of being the first & only people to see a new island being created where there was nothing before?

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Find the Cat

Whereisit

What a mess? Can you find the cat in this photo?

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Case Closed

Women always say that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts. Here is proof that they are wrong. A year or so after giving birth a woman will often say “it might be nice to have another kid”.

You never hear a guy say ” I would like another kick in the nuts”.

Case closed.

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Side Effect

A golfer was involved in a terrible car crash and was rushed to the hospital. Just before he was put under, the surgeon popped in to see him.

“I have some good news and some bad news,” says the surgeon.

“The bad news is that I have to remove your right arm!”

“Oh God no!” cries the man “My golfing is over! Please Doc, what’s the good news?”

“The good news is, I have another one to replace it with, but it’s a woman’s arm.

I’ll need your permission before I go ahead with the transplant.”

“Go for it doc” says the man. “As long as I can play golf again.”

The operation went well and a year later the man was out on the golf course when he bumped into the surgeon. “Hi, how’s the new arm?” asks the surgeon.

“Just great,” says the businessman. “I’m playing the best golf of my life. My new arm has a much finer touch and my putting has really improved.”

“That’s great,” said the surgeon.

“Not only that,” continued the golfer, “my handwriting has improved, I’ve learned how to sew my own clothes and I’ve even taken up painting landscapes in watercolours.”

“Unbelievable!” said the surgeon, “I’m so glad to hear the transplant was such a great success. Are you having any side effects?”

“Well, just one problem,” said the golfer.

“Every time I get an erection, I also get a headache.

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New Chevy

I stopped by the Chevrolet Dealership yesterday, for a look at the new Silverado 1500 pickup. Just for fun, I took it out for a test drive. I wanted to sense that new “feel” before they become extinct.

The salesman (a black man wearing an Obama “change” lapel pin) sat in the passenger seat describing the truck and all its “wonderful “options. The seats were of particular interest. He explained that the seats directed warm air to your butt in the winter and directed cool air to your butt in the summer heat. Feeling like messing with him, I mentioned that this must be a Republican truck.

Looking a bit angry, he asked why I thought it was a Republican truck. I explained that if it were an Obama truck, the seats would blow smoke up your ass year-round.

I had to walk back to the dealership to retrieve my old pickup. Damn guy had no sense of humor.

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Men’s Home Decorating

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Old Man Scam **Beware**

Women often receive warnings about protecting themselves at the mall and in dark parking lots, etc. This one caught me totally by surprise. This is a warning for all men and I wanted to pass it on in case you haven’t heard about it. It’s a ‘heads up’ for those older men who may be regular customers at Lowes, Home Depot, Costco, or Wal-Mart. Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don’t be naive enough to think it can’t happen to you.

Here ‘s how the scam works…Two nice looking, college-age girls will come over to your car or truck as you are packing your purchases into your vehicle. They both start wiping your windshield with a cloth and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. (It’s impossible not to look). When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say ‘No ‘ but instead ask for a ride to McDonald’s. You agree and they climb into the vehicle. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen August 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, again on the 17th, 20th, 24th, and the 28th. Also September 1st, 4th, 8th, twice on the 16th &17th, once each on th 20th and 21st, and very likely again this upcoming weekend. What a horrible way to take advantage of older men. So please, send this on to all the older men that you know and warn them to be on the lookout for this scam. (The best times are just before lunch and around 4:30 in the afternoon.) Please warn your older men friends to be vigilant.

PS – Wal-Mart has wallets on sale for $2.99 each. I found even cheaper ones for $.99 at Ross and bought them out in three of their stores.

PPS – No time for further chatting — off now to Lowes.

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Great Logic

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Idiot Sightings

I handed the teller at my bank a withdrawal slip for $400.00 .
I said “May I have large bills, please”?
She looked at me and said “I’m sorry sir; all the bills are the same size.”
When I got up off the floor I explained it to her.
Columbus, OH.

When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it.
We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver side door.
As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked.
‘Hey,’ I announced to the technician, ‘it’s open!’
His reply: ‘I know. I already got that side. ‘
This was at the Ford dealership in Canton, MS

We had to have the garage door repaired.
The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a ‘large’ enough motor on the opener.
I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower.
He shook his head and said, ‘Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower.’ I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4.
He said, ‘NO, it’s not.’ Four is larger than two.’
We haven’t used Sears repair since.
South Bend, IN.

My daughter and I went through the McDonald’s take-out window and I gave the clerk a $5 bill.
Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter.
She said, ‘you gave me too much money.’ I said, ‘Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar bill back.
She sighed and went to get the manager, who asked me to repeat my request.
I did so, and he handed me back the quarter, and said ‘We’re sorry but we could not do that kind of thing.’
The clerk then proceeded to give me back $1 and 75 cents in change.
Do not confuse the clerks at McD’s in Green Bay, WS.

I live in a semi rural area.
We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office
to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road.
The reason: ‘Too many deer are being hit by cars out here!
I don’t think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.’
Cameron, MO.

My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco.
She asked the person behind the counter for ‘minimal lettuce.’
He said he was sorry, but they only had iceburg lettuce.
From Oklahoma City

I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked,
‘Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?’
To which I replied, ‘If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?’
He smiled knowingly and nodded, ‘That’s why we ask.’
Happened in Birmingham, AL

The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it’s safe to cross the street.
I was crossing with an intellectually challenged co- worker of mine.
She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for.
I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.
Appalled, she responded, ‘What on earth are blind people doing driving?’
She was a probation officer in Wichita, KS

At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker who was leaving the company due to ‘downsizing,’
our manager commented cheerfully, ‘This is fun. We should do this more often.’
Not another word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.
This was a lunch at Texas Instruments.

I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself.
And for the sake of her life, couldn’t understand why her system would not turn on.
A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriffs office, no less.

How would you pronounce this child’s name?
“Le-a”
Leah?? NO
Lee – A?? NOPE
Lay – a?? NO
Lei?? Guess Again.
This child attends a school in Chicago.
Her mother is irate because everyone is getting her name wrong.
It’s pronounced “Ledasha”. Get it Le dash a
SO, if you see something come across your desk like this please remember to pronounce the dash.
If dey axe you why, tell dem de dash don’t be silent.

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Funny Signs

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Chinese Restaurant

A couple goes for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and orders the “Chicken Surprise.” The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot.

Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.

“Good grief, did you see that?” she asks her husband. He hasn’t, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down. Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and demands an explanation.

“Please sir,” says the waiter, “what you order?” The husband replies, “Chicken Surprise.”
The waiter replies, … “Ah… so sorry, I bring you Peeking Duck!”

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Question

Question

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Fifty Shades of Grey

He was in ecstasy, with a huge smile on his face, as his wife moved forwards, then backwards, forward, then backwards again …….. back and forth …. back and forth ….. in and out ….. in and out. She could feel the sweat on her forehead and between her breasts, and trickling down the small of her back, she was getting near to the end. Her heart was pounding … her face was flushed …. then she moaned, softly at first, then began to groan louder.

Finally, totally exhausted, she let out an almighty scream and shouted, “OK, OK! I can’t park the bloody car! You do it, you smug bastard!”

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The Dreaded Phone Call From the Boss

My boss phoned me today. He said, “Is everything OK at the office?”

I said, “It’s all under control. It’s been a very busy day. I haven’t stopped to take a break all day.”

“Can you do me a favour?” he asked.

I said “Of course, What is it?”

“Pick up the pace a little. I’m in the group behind you.”

Boss

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