Bulging Pockets

A man got on the bus with both of his front trouser pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful blonde. The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.

Finally, after many glances from her, he said, “It’s golf balls.”

The blonde continued to look at him for a very long time, thinking deeply about what he had said. After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, she asked, “Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?”

Facebooktwittergoogle_plusmail

2011 Darwin Awards

You’ve been waiting for them with bated breath, so without further ado, here are the 2011 Darwin Awards:

Eighth Place

In Detroit, a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two feet of water after squeezing head first through an 18-inch-wide sewer grate to retrieve his car keys.

Seventh Place

A 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who “totally zoned when he ran”, accidentally jogged off a 100-foot high cliff on his daily run.

Sixth Place

While at the beach, Daniel Jones, 21, dug an 8 foot hole for protection from the wind and had been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom, when it collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand. People on the beach used their hands and shovels trying to get him out but could not reach him. It took rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to free him. Jones was pronounced dead at the hospital.

Fifth Place

Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed as he fell through the ceiling of a bicycle shop he was burglarizing. Death was caused when the long flashlight he had placed in his mouth to keep his hands free rammed into the base of his skull as he hit the floor.

Fourth Place

Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed as he won a bet with friends who said he would not put a revolver loaded with four bullets into his mouth and pull the trigger.

Third Place

After stepping around a marked police patrol car parked at the front door, a man walked into H&J Leather & Firearms intent on robbing the store. The shop was full of customers and a uniformed officer was standing at the counter. Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber announced a hold-up and fired a few wild shots from a target pistol.

The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire, and several customers also drew their guns and fired. The robber was pronounced dead at the scene by Paramedics. Crime scene investigators
located 47 expended cartridge cases in the shop. The subsequent autopsy revealed 23 gunshot wounds. Ballistics identified rounds from 7 different weapons. No one else was hurt.

Honorable Mention

Paul Stiller, 47, and his wife Bonnie were bored just driving around at 2 A.M. so they lit a quarter stick of dynamite to toss out the window to see what would happen. Apparently they failed to notice that the window was closed.

Runner Up

Kerry Bingham had been drinking with several friends when one of them said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from a local bridge in the middle of traffic. The conversation grew more excited, and at least 10 men trooped along the walkway of the bridge at 4:30 AM. Upon arrival at the midpoint of the bridge, they discovered that no one had brought a bungee rope. Bingham, who had continued drinking, volunteered and pointed out that a coil of lineman’s cable lay nearby. They secured one end around Bingham’s leg and then tied the other to the bridge. His fall lasted 40 feet before the cable tightened and tore his foot off at the ankle. He miraculously survived his fall into the icy water and was rescued by two nearby fishermen. Bingham’s foot was never located.

And the winner is….

Zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt ( Paderborn , Germany ) fed his constipated elephant 22 doses of animal laxative and more than a bushel of berries, figs and prunes before the plugged-up pachyderm finally got relief. Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the ailing elephant an olive oil enema when the relieved beast unloaded.

The sheer force of the elephant’s unexpected defecation knocked Mr Riesfeldt to the ground where he struck his head on a rock as the elephant continued to evacuate 200 pounds of dung on top of him. It seems to be just one of those freak accidents that proves…’Shit happens’

Facebooktwittergoogle_plusmail

Words

A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day…30,000 to a man’s 15,000.

The wife replied, ‘The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men…The husband then turned to his wife and asked, ‘What?’

Facebooktwittergoogle_plusmail

One of the Best Anti-Carjacking Devices

Facebooktwittergoogle_plusmail

Great Conversation Starter

Facebooktwittergoogle_plusmail

Philosophers’ Views of Wives and Marriage

  • When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
  • David Bissonette

  • After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can’t face each other, but still they stay together..
  • Sacha Guitry

  • By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll be happy. If you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.
  • Socrates

  • Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.
  • Anonymous

  • The great question… which I have not been able to answer… is, “What does a woman want?”
  • Dumas

  • I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
  • Sigmund Freud

  • ‘Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.’
  • Anonymous

  • ‘There’s a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It’s called marriage.’
  • Sam Kinison

  • ‘I’ve had bad luck with both my wives.
    The first one left me, and the second one didn’t.’
  • James Holt McGavra

  • Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming
    1. Whenever you’re wrong, admit it,
    2. Whenever you’re right, shut up.
  • Patrick Murra

  • The most effective way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once….
  • Nash

  • You know what I did before I married?
    Anything I wanted to.
  • Anonymous

  • My wife and I were happy for twenty years.
    Then we met.
  • Henny Youngman

  • A good wife always forgives her husband when she’s wrong.
  • Rodney Dangerfield

  • A man inserted an ‘ad’ in the classifieds: ‘Wife wanted’. Next day he received a hundred letters.
    They all said the same thing: ‘You can have mine.’
  • Anonymous

  • First Guy (proudly): ‘My wife’s an angel!’
    Second Guy: ‘You’re lucky, mine’s still alive.’
  • Anonymous

    Facebooktwittergoogle_plusmail

    New Restaurant

    An elderly couple had dinner at another couple’s house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, ‘Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great.

    I would Recommend it very highly.’

    The other man said, ‘What is the name of the restaurant?’

    The first man thought and thought and finally said, ‘What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know…. The one that’s red and has thorns.’

    ‘Do you mean a rose?’

    ‘Yes, that’s the one,’ replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, ‘Rose, what’s the name of that restaurant we went to last night?’

    Facebooktwittergoogle_plusmail

    Elderly Couple

    Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they’re physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to
    help them remember … Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. ‘Want anything while I’m in the kitchen?’ he asks.

    ‘Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?’

    ‘Sure..’

    ‘Don’t you think you should write it down so you can remember it?’ she asks.

    ‘No, I can remember it.’

    ‘Well, I’d like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?’

    He says, ‘I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.’

    ‘I’d also like whipped cream. I’m certain you’ll forget that, write it down?’ she asks.

    Irritated, he says, ‘I don’t need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream I got it, for goodness sake!’

    Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment. ‘Where’s my toast?’

    Facebooktwittergoogle_plusmail

    The Snow Storm

    I just got off the phone with a girlfriend, living in northern North Dakota near the Canadian border. She said that since early this morning the snow has nearly reached waist high and is still falling. The temperature is dropping way below zero and the north wind is increasing to near gale force.

    Her husband has done nothing all day but look through the kitchen window and just stare.

    She says that if it gets much worse, she may have to let him in.

    Facebooktwittergoogle_plusmail

    Blue Cross or Obama Care

    A man goes into the hospital for a vasectomy. Before the procedure, a beautiful nurse comes into his room, takes his vitals, then tells him to take off all of his clothes. When he is fully undressed, she instructs him to lie down on a table. The man obeys. The nurse then removes all of her clothes, climbs on top, and has her way with him.

    Upon the completion of the act, the man catches his breath and asks what that was all about. The nurse informs the patient that studies have shown that before a vasectomy, if the man has an ejaculation, he will be more relaxed and that the seminal vessels are easier for the surgeon to locate and sever.

    The nurse then wheels the patient to the operating room. While they are going down the hall, the patient sees six men in a room, all of whom are masturbating. Curiosity prompts the man to ask, “What are they doing in there?”

    The nurse responds, “They are getting vasectomies too, but you have Blue Cross, and they have Obama Care.”

    Facebooktwittergoogle_plusmail

    Microsoft Tech Support


    Mujibar was trying to get a job in India.

    The Personnel Manager said, ‘Mujibar, you have passed all the tests, except one. Unless you pass it, you cannot qualify for this job.’

    Mujibar said, ‘I am ready.’
    The manager said, ‘Make a sentence using the words Yellow, Pink, and Green.’

    Mujibar said, ‘The telephone goes green, green, and I pink it up, and say, Yellow, this is Mujibar.’

    Mujibar now works at a call centre. No doubt you have spoken to him ………………I know I have.

    Facebooktwittergoogle_plusmail

    British Wedding Photograph

    This is a very nice souvenir photograph of 24 newly wedded couples in Enfield , near London…

    I just hope, for their sake, that each husband goes home with the right tablecloth!

    Facebooktwittergoogle_plusmail

    Safety Message: How to Hold on While Train is Moving

    How to correctly hold on in a moving train.

    No, No…………………………. the old guy by the door!

    Facebooktwittergoogle_plusmail

    Keeping You up to Date

    Playboy magazine reportedly offered Sarah Palin $4,000,000 to pose nude in an upcoming issue. Michelle Obama was offered $50 by National Geographic.

    In other news… we all remember when KFC offered a “Hillary” meal, consisting of two small breasts and two large thighs. Now KFC is offering the “Obama Cabinet Bucket.” It consists of nothing, but left wings and chicken shit.

    Facebooktwittergoogle_plusmail

    Just Like Frank

    A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by.

    He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, ‘Perfect timing. You’re just like Frank.’

    Passenger: ‘Who?’

    Cabbie: ‘Frank Feldman. He’s a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time.’

    Passenger: ‘There are always a few clouds over everybody.’

    Cabbie: Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy.

    Passenger: Sounds like he was something really special.

    Cabbie: ‘There’s more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody’s birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, could do everything right.’

    Passenger: ‘Wow, some guy then.

    Cabbie: ‘He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman.

    Passenger: An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?

    Cabbie: ‘Well… I never actually met Frank. He died and I married his frick’en wife.”

    Facebooktwittergoogle_plusmail

    I said I wanted a puppy!

    Facebooktwittergoogle_plusmail

    Blonde in a Blizzard

    It was snowing heavily and blowing to the point that visibility was almost zero when the little Blonde got off work. She made her way to her car and wondered how she was going to make it home. She sat in her car while it warmed up and thought about her situation. She finally remembered her daddy’s advice that if she got caught in a blizzard she should wait for a snow-plow to come by and follow it. That way she would not get stuck in a snow drift.

    This made her feel much better and sure enough in a little while a snow-plow went by and she started to follow it. As she followed the snow-plow she was feeling very smug as they continued and she wasn’t having any problem with the blizzard conditions.

    After an hour had passed, she was somewhat surprised when the snow-plow stopped and the driver got out and came back to her car and signaled for her to roll down her window. The snow-plow driver wanted to know if she was alright as she had been following him for a long time. She said that she was fine and told him of her daddy’s advice to follow a snow-plow when caught in a blizzard.

    The driver replied that it was OK with him and she could continue if she wanted, but he was done with the Wal-Mart parking lot, and was going over to Sears next.

    Facebooktwittergoogle_plusmail

    Student Who Obtained a 0% on an Exam

    Q1. In which battle did Napoleon die?
    * his last battle

    Q2. Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?
    * at the bottom of the page

    Q3. River Ravi flows in which state?
    * liquid

    Q4. What is the main reason for divorce?
    * marriage

    Q5. What is the main reason for failure?
    * exams

    Q6. What can you never eat for breakfast?
    * Lunch & dinner

    Q7. What looks like half an apple?
    * The other half

    Q8. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what it will become?
    * It will simply become wet

    Q9. How can a man go eight days without sleeping?
    * No problem, he sleeps at night.

    Q10. How can you lift an elephant with one hand?
    * You will never find an elephant that has only one hand.

    Q11. If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three oranges in other hand, what would you have ?
    * Very large hands

    Q12. If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take four men to build it?
    * No time at all, the wall is already built.

    Q13. How can u drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it?
    *Any way you want, concrete floors are very hard to crack.

    Facebooktwittergoogle_plusmail

    Oxymorons

    1. Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?
    2. Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?
    3. If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?
    4. If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?
    5. Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
    6. Why does “slow down” and “slow up” mean the same thing?
    7. Why does “fat chance” and “slim chance” mean the same thing?
    8. Why do “tug” boats push their barges?
    9. Why do we sing “Take me out to the ball game” when we are already there?
    10. Why are they called ” stands” when they are made for sitting?
    11. Why is it called “after dark” when it really is “after light”?
    12. Doesn’t “expecting the unexpected” make the unexpected expected?
    13. Why are a “wise man” and a “wise guy” opposites?
    14. Why do “overlook” and “oversee” mean opposite things?
    15. Why is “phonics” not spelled the way it sounds?
    16. If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?
    17. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
    18. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
    19. If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
    20. Why is bra singular and panties plural?
    21. Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead?
    22. Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?
    23. How come abbreviated is such a long word?
    24. Why do we wash bath towels? Aren’t we clean when we use them?
    25. Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
    26. Why do they call it a TV set when you only have one?
    27. Christmas – What other time of the year do you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks?
    28. Why do we drive on a parkway and park on a driveway?

    Facebooktwittergoogle_plusmail

    Happy Man

    There was a man who lost one of his arms in an accident. He became very depressed because he had loved to play Golf.

    One day in his despair, he decided to commit suicide. He got on an elevator and went to the top of a building to jump off. He was standing on the ledge looking down and saw this man skipping along, whooping and kicking up his heels. He looked closer and saw that this man didn’t have any arms at all. He started thinking, what am I doing up here feeling sorry for myself, I still have one good arm to do things with. There goes a man with no arms skipping down the sidewalk so happy, and going on with his life.

    He hurried down and caught up with the man with no arms. He told him how glad he was to see him because he had lost one of his arms and felt useless and was going to kill himself. He thanked him again for saving his life and said he knew he could make it with one arm if that guy could go on with no arms. The man with no arms began dancing and whooping and kicking up his heels again. He asked, ‘Why are you so happy anyway?’

    He said, ‘I’m not happy. My balls itch.’

    Facebooktwittergoogle_plusmail

    Men Are Just Happier People

    NICKNAMES
    If Laura, Kate, and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate, and Sarah. If Mike, Dave, and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Bubba, and Wildman

    EATING OUT
    When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave, and John will each throw in $20, even though it’s only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
    When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

    MONEY
    A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
    A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn’t need but it’s on sale.

    BATHROOMS
    A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.
    The average number of items in the typical woman’s bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

    ARGUMENTS
    A woman has the last word in any argument.
    Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

    FUTURE
    A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
    A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

    MARRIAGE
    A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t.
    A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change, but she does.

    DRESSING UP
    A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
    A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

    NATURAL
    Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
    Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

    OFFSPRING
    Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
    A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

    THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
    A married man should forget his mistakes. There’s no use in two people remembering the same thing FOREVER!

    Facebooktwittergoogle_plusmail

    Why Are Men Never Depressed?

    What do you expect from such simple creatures?

    Your last name stays put.
    The garage is all yours.
    Wedding plans take care of themselves.
    Chocolate is just another snack…
    You can be President.
    You can never be pregnant.
    You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
    You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
    Car mechanics tell you the truth.
    The world is your urinal.
    You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
    You don’t have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
    Same work, more pay.
    Wrinkles add character.
    Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$87.
    People never stare at your chest when you’re talking to them.
    New shoes don’t cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
    One mood all the time.
    Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
    You know stuff about tanks.
    A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
    You can open all your own jars.
    You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
    If someone forgets to invite you,
    He or she can still be your friend.
    Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
    Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
    You almost never have strap problems in public.
    You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
    Everything on your face stays its original color.
    The same hairstyle lasts for years, even decades.
    You only have to shave your face and neck.
    You can play with toys all your life.
    One wallet and one pair of shoes — one color for all seasons.
    You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
    You can ‘do’ your nails with a pocket knife.
    You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache.
    You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24th in 25 minutes.

    Facebooktwittergoogle_plusmail

    Why Latin America Gets All the Rain and Not The Middle East


    Any questions?Facebooktwittergoogle_plusmail

    2-2-2012

    In 2012 both Groundhog Day and the State of the Union address will occur on the same day. This is an ironic juxtaposition of events. One involves a meaningless ritual in which we look to an insignificant creature of little intelligence for prognostication. The other involves a groundhog.Facebooktwittergoogle_plusmail

    Finally, a Useful Obama Product

    First came the commemorative coins, then the T-shirts, and then the plates! Now, something for the rest of us…

    Use sparingly…I find that it irritates my ass!Facebooktwittergoogle_plusmail

    Socially Unacceptable Humor

  • I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest penis she had ever laid her hands on. I said “You’re pulling my leg.”
  • I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!! At least I presume she was poor – she only had $1.20 in her purse.
  • My girlfriend thinks that I’m a stalker. Well, she’s not exactly my girlfriend yet.
  • Went for my routine checkup today and everything seemed to be going fine until he stuck his index finger up my butt! Do you think I should change dentists?
  • A wife says to her husband you’re always pushing me around and talking behind my back. He says what do you expect? You’re in a wheel chair.
  • I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, “You’re obviously not listening.”
  • The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So, I have been to the thrift shop to get all of her clothes back.
  • At the Senior Citizens Center they had a contest the other day. I lost by one point: The question was: Where do women mostly have curly hair? Apparently the correct answer was Africa!
  • One of the other questions that I missed was to name one thing commonly found in cells. It appears that Mexican and Black people is not the correct answer either.
  • There’s a new Muslim clothing shop opened in our shopping center, but I’ve been banned from it after asking to look at some of the new bomber jackets.
  • You can say lots of bad things about pedophiles but at least they drive slowly past schools.
  • A buddy of mine has just told me he’s getting it on with his girlfriend and her twin. I said “How can you tell them apart?” He said “Her brother’s got a mustache.”
  • Just put a deposit down on a brand new Porsche and mentioned it on Facebook. I said, “I can’t wait for the new 911 to arrive!” Next thing I know 4,000 f….g Muslims have added me as a friend!
  • Being a modest man, when I checked into my hotel on a recent trip, I said to the lady at the registration desk, “I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled.” To which she replied, “No, it’s regular people-porn, you sick bastard.
  • The Red Cross have just knocked at our door and asked if we could help towards the floods in Pakistan. I said we would love to, but our garden hose only reaches the driveway.
  • Facebooktwittergoogle_plusmail

    Why We Shoot Deer

    Why we shoot deer in the wild. (A letter from someone who wants to remain anonymous, who farms, writes well and actually tried this)

    I had this idea that I could rope a deer, put it in a stall, feed it up on corn for a couple of weeks, then kill it and eat it. The first step in this adventure was getting a deer. I figured that, since they congregate at my cattle feeder and do not seem to have much fear of me when we are there (a bold one will sometimes come right up and sniff at the bags of feed while I am in the back of the truck not 4 feet away), it should not be difficult to rope one, get up to it and toss a bag over its head (to calm it down) then hog tie it and transport it home.

    I filled the cattle feeder then hid down at the end with my rope. The cattle, having seen the roping thing before, stayed well back. They were not having any of it. After about 20 minutes, my deer showed up – 3 of them. I picked out a likely looking one, stepped out from the end of the feeder, and threw my rope.

    The deer just stood there and stared at me. I wrapped the rope around my waist and twisted the end so I would have a good hold. The deer still just stood and stared at me, but you could tell it was mildly concerned about the whole rope situation. I took a step towards it, it took a step away. I put a little tension on the rope, and then received an education.

    The first thing that I learned is that, while a deer may just stand there looking at you funny while you rope it, they are spurred to action when you start pulling on that rope.
    That deer EXPLODED.

    The second thing I learned is that pound for pound, a deer is a LOT stronger than a cow or a colt. A cow or a colt in that weight range I could fight down with a rope and with some dignity. A deer– no Chance. That thing ran and bucked and twisted and pulled. There was no controlling it and certainly no getting close to it. As it jerked me off my feet and started dragging me across the ground, it occurred to me that having a deer on a rope was not nearly as good an idea as I had originally imagined. The only upside is that they do not have as much stamina as many other animals.

    A brief 10 minutes later, it was tired and not nearly as quick to jerk me off my feet and drag me when I managed to get up. It took me a few minutes to realize this, since I was mostly blinded by the blood flowing out of the big gash in my head. At that point, I had lost my taste for corn-fed venison. I just wanted to get that devil creature off the end of that rope.

    I figured if I just let it go with the rope hanging around its neck, it would likely die slow and painfully somewhere. At the time, there was no love at all between me and that deer. At that moment, I hated the thing, and I would venture a guess that the feeling was mutual.
    Despite the gash in my head and the several large knots where I had cleverly arrested the deer’s momentum by bracing my head against various large rocks as it dragged me across the ground, I could still think clearly enough to recognize that there was a small chance that I shared some tiny amount of responsibility for the situation we were in. I didn’t want the deer to have to suffer a slow death, so I managed to get it lined back up in between my truck and the feeder – a little trap I had set before hand….kind of like a squeeze chute. I got it to back in there and I started moving up so I could get my rope back.

    Did you know that deer bite?

    They do! I never in a million years would have thought that a deer would bite somebody, so I was very surprised when …… I reached up there to grab that rope and the deer grabbed hold of my wrist. Now, when a deer bites you, it is not like being bit by a horse where they just bite you and slide off to then let go. A deer bites you and shakes its head–almost like a pit bull. They bite HARD and it hurts.

    The proper thing to do when a deer bites you is probably to freeze and draw back slowly. I tried screaming and shaking instead. My method was ineffective.

    It seems like the deer was biting and shaking for several minutes, but it was likely only several seconds. I, being smarter than a deer (though you may be questioning that claim by now), tricked it. While I kept it busy tearing the tendons out of my right arm, I reached up with my left hand and pulled that rope loose.

    That was when I got my final lesson in deer behavior for the day.

    Deer will strike at you with their front feet. They rear right up on their back feet and strike right about head and shoulder level, and their hooves are surprisingly sharp … I learned a long time ago that, when an animal – like a horse – strikes at you with their hooves and you can’t get away easily, the best thing to do is try to make a loud noise and make an aggressive move towards the animal. This will usually cause them to back down a bit so you can escape.

    This was not a horse. This was a deer, so obviously, such trickery would not work. In the course of a millisecond, I devised a different strategy. I screamed like a woman and tried to turn and run. The reason I had always been told NOT to try to turn and run from a horse that paws at you is that there is a good chance that it will hit you in the back of the head.
    Deer may not be so different from horses after all, besides being twice as strong and 3 times as evil, because the second I turned to run, it hit me right in the back of the head and knocked me down..

    Now, when a deer paws at you and knocks you down, it does not immediately leave. I suspect it does not recognize that the danger has passed. What they do instead is paw your back and jump up and down on you while you are laying there crying like a little girl and covering your head.

    I finally managed to crawl under the truck and the deer went away.
    So now I know why when people go deer hunting they bring a rifle with a scope……to sort of even the odds!!

    All these events are true so help me God… An Educated Farmer.Facebooktwittergoogle_plusmail

    Simple Philosophy

    This is a deceptively simple philosophy that I have been working on and refining for most of my life. I am delighted to say that I believe I have refined it down to its essence – sufficiently to share it with a select band of friends that may appreciate its elegance and simplicity.
    Facebooktwittergoogle_plusmail

    Church Signs

    Facebooktwittergoogle_plusmail

    Graveyard Service

    The graveside service just barely finished, when there was a massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance…The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, ‘Well, she’s there.’Facebooktwittergoogle_plusmail

    Bikini Shopping

    While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband’s advice.

    ‘What do you think?’ I asked. ‘Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?’

    ‘Better get a bikini,’ he replied. ‘You’d never get it all in one.’

    He’s still in intensive care.Facebooktwittergoogle_plusmail

    Surgery

    A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appears and asks him how he is feeling.

    ‘I’m O. K. but I didn’t like the four letter-words the doctor used in surgery,’ he answered.

    ‘What did he say,’ asked the nurse.

    ‘Oops!’Facebooktwittergoogle_plusmail

    Now I Believe in Religion

    Moe: ‘My wife got me to believe in religion.’

    Joe: ‘Really?’

    Moe: ‘Yeah. Until I married her I didn’t believe in Hell.’Facebooktwittergoogle_plusmail

    Golf Gun

    Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.

    ‘How was he killed?’ asked one detective.

    ‘With a golf gun,’ the other detective replied.

    ‘A golf gun! What is a golf gun?’

    ‘I don’t know. But it sure made a hole in Juan.’Facebooktwittergoogle_plusmail

    Flight Time

    A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, ‘Can you tell me how long it’ll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City?’

    The agent replies, ‘Just a minute.’

    ‘Thank you,’ the blonde says, and hangs up.Facebooktwittergoogle_plusmail

    Redneck Murder

    Two Reasons Why It’s So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder:
    1. The DNA all matches.
    2. There are no dental records.Facebooktwittergoogle_plusmail

    Remove the Curse

    An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.

    The Wizard says, ‘Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.’

    The old man says without hesitation, ‘I now pronounce you man and wife.’Facebooktwittergoogle_plusmail

    Emergency Room

    A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside, and said, ‘I don’t like the looks of your wife at all.’

    ‘Me neither, doc,’ said the husband. ‘But she’s a great cook and really good with the kids.’Facebooktwittergoogle_plusmail

    Divorce Court

    ‘Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,’the divorce Court Judge said, ‘And I’ve decided to give your wife $775 a week.’

    ‘That’s very fair, your honor,’ the husband said. ‘And every now and then I’ll try to send her a few bucks myself.’Facebooktwittergoogle_plusmail

    Intelligence

    A little boy went up to his father and asked: ‘Dad, where did my intelligence come from?’

    The father replied. ‘Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, ’cause I still have mine.’Facebooktwittergoogle_plusmail

    Family Trends

    Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and family values.

    Bill said, ‘I didn’t sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?’

    Larry replied, ‘I’m not sure, what was her maiden name?’Facebooktwittergoogle_plusmail

    Motivational Posters #8

    Facebooktwittergoogle_plusmail

    The Devil and the Old Man

    Facebooktwittergoogle_plusmail

    Big People Words

    A group of kindergartners were trying very hard to become accustomed to the first grade. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on NO baby talk! You need to use ‘Big People words,’ she was always reminding them.

    She asked John what he had done over the weekend?

    ‘I went to visit my Nana.’

    ‘No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use ‘Big People’ words!’

    She then asked Mitchell what he had done ‘I took a ride on a choo-choo.’

    She said. ‘No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. You must remember to use ‘Big People’ words.’

    She then asked little Alex what he had done? ‘I read a book,’ he replied.

    That’s WONDERFUL!’ the teacher said. ‘What book did you read?’

    Alex thought real hard about it, then puffed out his chest with great pride and said: “Winnie the Shit.”
    Facebooktwittergoogle_plusmail

    Mood Buttons You Can’t Wear to Work

    Facebooktwittergoogle_plusmail

    First Time at the Spa

    Facebooktwittergoogle_plusmail

    Home Security Yard Sign

    Facebooktwittergoogle_plusmail

    A Frugal Person’s Christmas Decorations

    Facebooktwittergoogle_plusmail

    Here is an actual sign posted at a golf club in Scotland UK:

    1. BACK STRAIGHT, KNEES BENT, FEET SHOULDER WIDTH APART.
    2. FORM A LOOSE GRIP.
    3. KEEP YOUR HEAD DOWN!
    4. AVOID A QUICK BACK SWING.
    5. STAY OUT OF THE WATER.
    6. TRY NOT TO HIT ANYONE.
    7. IF YOU ARE TAKING TOO LONG, LET OTHERS GO AHEAD OF YOU.
    8. DON’T STAND DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF OTHERS.
    9. QUIET PLEASE…WHILE OTHERS ARE PREPARING.
    10. DON’T TAKE EXTRA STROKES.

    WELL DONE..NOW, FLUSH THE URINAL, GO OUTSIDE, AND TEE OFF.Facebooktwittergoogle_plusmail

    Thirsty Taliban

    A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the oasis, only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand, selling ties.

    The Taliban asked, “Do you have water?”

    The Jewish man replied, “I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5.”

    The Taliban shouted, “Idiot! I do not need an over-priced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!”

    “OK,” said the old Jewish man, “It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold water you need. Shalom.”

    Cursing, the Taliban staggered away over the hill Several hours later he staggered back, almost dead & said, “Your fucking brother won’t let me in without a tie!” Facebooktwittergoogle_plusmail