Too Many Immigrants in Britain?

Question – Are there too many immigrants in Britain?
17% said yes;
11% said No;
72% said “I am not understanding the question please.”

Facebooktwittergoogle_plusmail

New Gym Equipment

Just been to the gym. They’ve got a new machine in. Could only use it for half an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s great though. It provides me with everything I need – KitKats, Mars Bars, Snickers, Potato Crisps, the lot.”

Facebooktwittergoogle_plusmail

Japan Funny Erasers

Stopped by a dollar store (100Yen) store and I found these funny erasers. I thought they were neat enough to snap some photos. Some of these are actually pretty neat. Here are the photos.
thekumachan_Japan_funny_erasers-1thekumachan_Japan_funny_erasers-2thekumachan_Japan_funny_erasers-3thekumachan_Japan_funny_erasers-4thekumachan_Japan_funny_erasers-5thekumachan_Japan_funny_erasers-6thekumachan_Japan_funny_erasers-7thekumachan_Japan_funny_erasers-8thekumachan_Japan_funny_erasers-9thekumachan_Japan_funny_erasers-10thekumachan_Japan_funny_erasers-11thekumachan_Japan_funny_erasers-12thekumachan_Japan_funny_erasers-13thekumachan_Japan_funny_erasers-14thekumachan_Japan_funny_erasers-15thekumachan_Japan_funny_erasers-167

Facebooktwittergoogle_plusmail

Thrown Out of School

My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class give him a hand-job. I said “Son, that’s 3 schools this year! You’d better stop before you’re banned from teaching altogether.”

Facebooktwittergoogle_plusmail

Love the Hot Weather

The thing I love most about this hot weather is the short skirts and low cut tops….although, they do make me look a bit gay.

Facebooktwittergoogle_plusmail

Pedophile

Went to the pub with my girlfriend last night. Locals were shouting “pedophile!”and other names at me, just because my girlfriend is 21 and I’m 50. It completely spoiled our 10th anniversary.

Facebooktwittergoogle_plusmail

Penis Enlarger

The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers, so I did….she’s 21 and her name’s Lucy.

Facebooktwittergoogle_plusmail

Turned to Religion

I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair but, by turning to religion, I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing. I converted to Islam, and we’re stoning her in the morning!

Facebooktwittergoogle_plusmail

Story from a Kansas State Highway Patrol officer

Story from a Kansas State Highway Patrol officer:
I made a traffic stop on an elderly lady the other day for speeding on U.S. 166 Eastbound at Mile Marker 73 just East of Sedan, KS. I asked for her driver’s license, registration, and proof of insurance. The lady took out the required information and handed it to me. In with the cards I was somewhat surprised (due to her advanced age) to see she had a conceal carry permit. I looked at her and ask if she had a weapon in her possession at this time.

She responded that she indeed had a .45 automatic in her glove box. Something—body language, or the way she said it—made me want to ask if she had any other firearms. She did admit to also having a 9mm Glock in her center console. Now I had to ask one more time if that was all. She responded once again that she did have just one more, a .38 special in her purse. I then asked her what was she so afraid of.

She looked me right in the eye and said, “Not a fucking thing!”

Facebooktwittergoogle_plusmail

Husband Store

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:
You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors & the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 – These men Have Jobs.

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 2 – These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

‘That’s nice,’ she thinks, ‘but I want more.’

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 – These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

‘Wow,’ she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 – These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

‘Oh, mercy me!’ she exclaims, ‘I can hardly stand it!’

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 – These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 6 – You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

PLEASE NOTE:
To avoid gender bias charges, the store’s owner opened a New Wives store just across the street. The first floor has wives that love sex. The second floor has wives that love sex & have money & like beer. The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

Facebooktwittergoogle_plusmail

Motivational Posters #7 (Meanwhile)

Facebooktwittergoogle_plusmail

Sex Frogs

A blonde goes to her local pet store in search of an ‘exotic’ pet. As she looks about the store, she notices a box FULL of frogs. The sign says:

‘SEX FROGS’ Only $20 each! Come with ‘complete’ instructions.

The girl excitedly looks around to see if anybody’s watching her. She whispers softly to the man behind the counter, ‘I’ll TAKE one!’

As the man packages the frog, he quietly says to her, ‘Just follow the instructions!’

The blonde nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home. As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, she opens the instructions and reads them very carefully. She does EXACTLY what is specified:

1. Take a shower.
2. Splash on some nice perfume.
3. Slip into a very sexy nightie.
4. Crawl into bed and place the frog down beside you, and allow the frog to do what he has been trained to do.

She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and to her surprise…NOTHING happens! The blonde is very disappointed and quite upset at this point. She re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says, ‘If you have any problems or questions, please call the pet store.’

So, she calls the pet store. The man says, ‘I’ll be right over.’ Within minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell. The blonde welcomes him in and says, ‘See, I’ve done everything according to the instructions. The damn frog just SITS there!’

The man . . . looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares directly into its eyes and STERNLY says: LISTEN TO ME!! I’m only going to show you how to do this ONE MORE TIME!!!

Facebooktwittergoogle_plusmail

Yokohama Zoo


Went over to the Yokohama Zoo called Zoorasia to check out the different animals. Here are some of my photos from enjoying the day at the zoo.

Facebooktwittergoogle_plusmail

Distinction Between Guts and Balls

To those of you who are nit-pickers about the meaning of words: there is a medical distinction between Guts and Balls. We’ve all heard about people having Guts or Balls, but do you really know the difference between them?

In an effort to keep you informed, here are the definitions:

GUTS – is arriving home late, after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the Guts to ask, ‘Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?’

BALLS – is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, with lipstick on your collar, and slapping your wife on the butt and having the Balls to say, ‘You’re next, Chubby.’

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.

Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome.

Both result in death.

Facebooktwittergoogle_plusmail

Miss Kentucky Holding a Teddy Bear

Note: This is the new Miss Kentucky.
The picture that will stay with her for the rest of her life:
Make-up and hair style ………………. $500
New dress for the show ………………$700
Giant stuffed bear ………………………. $300

Not knowing how to hold the bear with a microphone in her hand …..Priceless!!!

Facebooktwittergoogle_plusmail

Married Friends

The first man married a woman from Alabama. He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.

The second man married a woman from South Dakota . He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn’t see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done, and there was a huge dinner on the table.

The third man married a girl from Wisconsin … He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn’t see anything, the second day he didn’t see anything but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher. He still has some difficulty when he pees.

Facebooktwittergoogle_plusmail

Green Persimmons

There was a small church in North Carolina that had a very big-busted organist. Her breasts were so huge that they bounced and jiggled while she played the organ. Unfortunately, she distracted the congregation considerably.

The very proper church ladies were appalled. They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another Organist.

So, one of the ladies approached her very discreetly and told her to mash up some green persimmons and rub them on the nipples of her breasts and maybe they would shrink in size, but warned her to not eat any of the green persimmons, because they are so sour they will make your mouth pucker up and you won ‘t be able to talk properly for a while. She agreed to try it.

The following Sunday morning the minister got up in the pulpit and said…’Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol, we will not hath a thermon tewday.’

Facebooktwittergoogle_plusmail

He said To Me!

He said to me… I don’t know why you wear a bra; you’ve got nothing to put in it?
I said to him… You wear pants don’t you?

He said to me… Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
I said to him… That’s a good idea – you stand by the stove & sink while I sit on the sofa and do nothing, but fart.

He said to me… What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
I said to him… Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

He said to me… How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
I said to him… I don’t know; it has never happened.

He said to me… Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and Good-looking?
I said to him…They already have boyfriends.

He said… What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
I said to him… A widow.

He said to me… Why are married women heavier than single women?
I said to him… Single women come home, see what’s in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what’s in bed and go to the fridge.

Facebooktwittergoogle_plusmail

Labor Standards

The Montana Department of Employment, Division of Labor Standards claimed a small rancher was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to investigate him.

GOV’T AGENT: “I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them.”

RANCHER: ”Well, there’s my hired hand who’s been with me for 3 years I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board. Then there’s the mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night so he can cope with life. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally.”

GOV’T AGENT: “That’s the guy I want to talk to – the mentally challenged one.”

RANCHER: “That would be me.”

Facebooktwittergoogle_plusmail

Minnesota Vikings

The Minnesota Highway Patrol is cracking down on speeders heading into Minneapolis.

For the first offense, they give you 2 Vikings tickets.
If you get stopped a second time, they make you use them.

Q. What do you call 47 millionaires around a TV watching the Super Bowl?
A. The Minnesota Vikings

Q. What do the Vikings and Billy Graham have in common?
A. They both can make 70,000 people stand up and yell “Jesus Christ”.

Q. How do you keep a Minnesota Viking out of your yard?
A. Put up a goal post.

Q. What do you call a Minnesota Viking with a Super Bowl ring?
A. An Imposter.

Q. What’s the difference between the Minnesota Viking and a dollar bill?
A. You can still get four quarters out of a dollar bill.

Q. How many Minnesota Vikings does it take to win a Super Bowl?
A. Nobody Knows

Q. What do the Vikings and a possum have in common?
A. Both play dead at home and get killed on the road!

Facebooktwittergoogle_plusmail

Should You Have Kids?

Facebooktwittergoogle_plusmail

Motivational Posters of Wisdom

Facebooktwittergoogle_plusmail

Halloween Costume

A bald man with a wooden leg gets invited to a Halloween Party. He doesn’t know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg, So he writes to a costume company to explain his problem.

A few days later he received a parcel with the following note:

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a pirate’s outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and, with your wooden leg, you will be just right as a pirate.

Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.

The man thinks this is terrible because they have emphasized his wooden leg and so he writes a letter of complaint. A week goes by and he receives another parcel and a note, which says:

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a monk’s costume. The long robe will cover your Wooden leg and, with your bald head, you should really look the part.

Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.

Now the man is really upset since they have gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head, so again he writes the Company another nasty letter of complaint.

The next day he gets a small Parcel and a note, which reads:

Dear Sir,
We have TRIED our very BEST. Please find enclosed a bottle of molasses and a bag of crushed nuts. Pour the molasses over your bald head, pat on crushed nuts, stick your Wooden Leg up your ass and go as a caramel apple.

Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.

Facebooktwittergoogle_plusmail

Redneck Fire Alarm

Facebooktwittergoogle_plusmail

Military Motivational Posters

Facebooktwittergoogle_plusmail

Late Night Call to the Vet

A dog lover, whose dog was a female and “in heat,” agreed to look after her neighbors male dog while the neighbors were on vacation. She had a large house and believed that she could keep the two dogs apart.

However, as she was drifting off to sleep she heard awful howling and moaning sounds, rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together, in obvious pain and unable to disengage, as so frequently happens when dogs mate.

Unable to separate them, and perplexed as to what to do next, although it was late, she called the vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice.

Having explained the problem to him, the vet said, “Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs. I will call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and he will be able to withdraw.”

“Do you think that will work?” she asked.

“It just worked for me,” he replied!

Facebooktwittergoogle_plusmail

For All The Man-haters: Why Buy the Pig

For all those men who say, Why buy a cow when you can get the milk for free. Here’s an update for you: Nowadays, 80% of women are against marriage, WHY? Because women realize it’s not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage.

Men are like….

1. Men are like Laxatives. They irritate the crap out of you.
2 Men are like Bananas . The older they get, the less firm they are.
3. Men are like Weather . Nothing can be done to change them.
4. Men are like Blenders You need one, but you’re not quite sure why.
5. Men are like Chocolate Bars .. Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.
6. Men are like Commercials . You can’t believe a word they say.
7. Men are like Department Stores … Their clothes are always 1/2 off!
8. Men are like ..Government Bonds …. They take soooooooo long to mature.
9. Men are like .. Mascara . They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
10. Men are like Popcorn . They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
11. Men are like Snowstorms . You never know when they’re coming, how many inches you’ll get or how long it will last.
12! . Men are like Lava Lamps .. Fun to look at, but not very bright.
13. Men are like Parking Spots All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.

Facebooktwittergoogle_plusmail

Who Does What

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.

The wife said, ‘You should do it because you get up first, and then we don’t have to wait as long to get our coffee.

The husband said, ‘You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.’

Wife replies, ‘No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee.’

Husband replies, ‘I can’t believe that, show me.’

So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says. ‘HEBREWS’

Facebooktwittergoogle_plusmail

Creation

A man said to his wife one day, ‘I don’t know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.

‘The wife responded, ‘Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!

Facebooktwittergoogle_plusmail

It All Began With an iPhone

It all began with an iPhone…March was when our son celebrated his 17th birthday, and we got him an iPhone. He just loved it. Who wouldn’t?

I celebrated my birthday in July, and my wife made me very happy when she bought me an iPad.

Our daughter’s birthday was in August so we got her an iPod Touch.

My wife celebrated her birthday in September so I got her an iRon.

It was around then that the fight started…What my wife failed to recognize is that the iRon can be integrated into the home network with the iWash, iCook and iClean. This inevitably activates the iNag reminder service. I should be out of the hospital next week!

Facebooktwittergoogle_plusmail

Wife vs. Husband

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, ‘Relatives of yours?’

‘Yep,’ the wife replied, ‘in-laws.’

Facebooktwittergoogle_plusmail

Cigarettes and Tampons

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles. The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.

She says, confused, ‘Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?

He answers, ‘You see, it’s like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it’s sooo-ooo–oo-ooo much cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my own ……….so does she.

Facebooktwittergoogle_plusmail

Marriage Seminar

While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication, Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor, ‘It is essential that husbands and wives know each other’s likes and dislikes.’

He addressed the man, ‘Can you name your wife’s favorite flower?’

Tom leaned over, touched his wife’s arm gently and whispered, ‘It’s Pillsbury, isn’t it?

Facebooktwittergoogle_plusmail

A Man’s Perspective of Trying to Understand Women

I know I’m not going to understand women. I’ll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider.

Facebooktwittergoogle_plusmail

Woman’s Revenge

‘Cash, check or charge?’ I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet , I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse. ‘So, do you always carry your TV remote?’ I asked.

‘No,’ she replied, ‘but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally..’

Facebooktwittergoogle_plusmail

Women’s Perfect Breakfast

She’s sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.

Facebooktwittergoogle_plusmail

Amazing Holes

These holes are not only amazing, but some are really terrifying! The sheer scale of these holes reminds you of just how tiny we are.

Kimberley Big Hole – South Africa

Apparently the largest ever hand-dug excavation in the world, this 1097 meter deep mine yielded over 3 tons of diamonds before being closed.

Glory Hole – Monticello Dam, California

A glory hole is used when a dam is at full capacity and water needs to be drained from the reservoir. It is the largest spillway of this type in the world and consumes 14,400 cubic feet of water every second.

Great Blue Hole , Belize

This incredible geographical phenomenon known as a blue hole is situated 60 miles off the mainland of Belize. There are numerous blue holes around the world, but none as stunning as this one.

Sinkhole in Guatemala

These photos are of a sinkhole that occurred in Guatemala. The hole swallowed 2 dozen homes and killed at least 3 people.

Shit Hole, Washington D.C.

This hole swallows trillions and trillions of U.S. Dollars annually! The money that falls into this hole is never heard from again! It is reported to be filled with at least 535 ‘ass-holes’.

Facebooktwittergoogle_plusmail

Smile About Sex

Facebooktwittergoogle_plusmail

Scottish Diplomacy

The following is a true bit of Scottish Diplomacy:……….One thing about blokes from Scotland is that their hearts and humour are always in the right place! Jimmy MacDonald, a City Councillor from Glasgow , was asked on a local live radio talk show just what he thought about the allegations of torture of suspected terrorists.

His reply prompted his ejection from the studio, but to thunderous applause from the audience.

HIS STATEMENT:

‘If hooking up one raghead terrorist’s testicles to a car battery gets the truth out of the lying little camel shagger to save just one Scottish soldier’s life, then I have only three things to say : Red is positive, Black is negative, and make sure his nuts are wet.’

Facebooktwittergoogle_plusmail

Wedding Party

At a wedding party recently someone yelled, “All the married men please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living.” The bartender was almost crushed to death.

Facebooktwittergoogle_plusmail

SUV for his Birthday

Two old guys talking.
One said to the other: “My 85th birthday yesterday. Wife gave me an SUV”.
Other guy: “Wow, that’s amazing! Imagine, an SUV! What a great gift!”
First guy: “Yup. Socks, Underwear and Viagra!”

Facebooktwittergoogle_plusmail

The Taxi

– For young men, it’s a nice ass. The really observant will see the thong.
– For older men, it is a respectable woman with a nice ass crossing the street.
– The perverts will imagine her as a naked woman.
– The wise men will ponder the presence of mind of the photographer in the face of such beauty and gratitude that it was shared with humanity.
– For half of the women, this is an ordinary woman who should not have left home dressed that way.
– The other half is wondering where she bought that blouse.
– The wise women imagine the misery that this will be at 50.
– Children, the curious, and monks will probably notice a dog driving the taxi.

Facebooktwittergoogle_plusmail

Barack Obama Bingo

Rules for Bullshit Bingo:
1. Before Barrack Obama’s next televised speech, print your “Bullshit Bingo”
2. Check off the appropriate block when you hear one of those words/phrases.
3. When you get five blocks horizontally, vertically, or diagonally, stand up and shout “BULLSHIT!

Facebooktwittergoogle_plusmail

Movies

My girlfriend says to me the other night: “How come we don’t make love like they do in the movies?”

So I bent her over the table, slapped her on each ass cheek a dozen times, grabbed her by the hair and yanked her neck back so she’d be forced to watch me jackhammer her from behind, then flipped her over and came on her face…

Turns out we don’t watch the same movies.

Facebooktwittergoogle_plusmail

New Orleans Finest Entrepreneur

Lets get the players straight before we go on with this.

LARMONDO “FLAIR” ALLEN
His Companion: Kawanner Armstrong
His Sons: Christian Allen
Kwan Allen
Larmondo Allen, Jr.

His Daughters: Deidra Allen
Larmenshell Allen
Lamonshea Allen
Larmomdriel Allen
Larmerja Allen
Korevell Allen
AT AGE 25 – He had 9 Children.
(Could Kawanner Armstrong Possibly Be The Mother Of All Of His Kids?)

His Father: Burnell Thompson
His Mother: Esther Allen
His Stepfather: Bruce Gordy

His Brothers: Burnell Thompson
Edgar Thompson
Wil Willis
Danta Edwards
Reshe Edwards
Mattnell Allen
Burnell Allen
Lester Allen

His Sisters: Shannail Craig
Lekiksha Thompson
Gwendolyn Carter
Jessica Willis
Katina Gordy

Grandparents: Delors Allen
J.C. Allen
Anna Laura Thompson
Will Thompson

So, lets see now….

His Father, Burnell Thompson, fathered his brothers Burnell, Edgar and his sister Lekiksha.
His Stepfather, Bruce Gordy, fathered his Sister Katina.
His Mother, Esther Allen, must have been unwed when she gave birth to: Larmondo, Mattnell, Burnell and Lester.
We don’t know who fathered Wil Willis and Jessica Willis, or Dante and Reshe Edwards.
Lets hope sisters Shannail Craig and Gwendolyn Carter are married.

GOT THE ABOVE ALL STRAIGHT?
********************
NOW, THE REST OF THE STORY

He was 25 and had 3 sons and 6 daughters. NINE welfare recipients collecting $1500 each…..That equals $13,500 a month !!! Now add Food Stamps, Free medical, Free school lunches, on and on and on AND ON.

Do the math… that’s $162,000+ a year. Anyone out there, sittin’ on their butt while reading this, making that kind of money doing nothing? Now that, to me, is a real Entrepreneur.
(AND BECAUSE OF THEIR FATHERS DEATH, ALL OF THE KIDS WILL COLLECT SOCIAL SECURITY UNTIL THEY ARE 18)

Facebooktwittergoogle_plusmail

My Owner is an Idiot

Facebooktwittergoogle_plusmail

European Plastic Bags

Facebooktwittergoogle_plusmail

QR Code

Facebooktwittergoogle_plusmail

How The Internet Started

In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot. And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com.

And she said unto Abraham, her husband, “Why dost thou travel so far from town to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever leaving thy tent?”

And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, “How, dear?”

And Dot replied, “I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale, and they will reply telling you who hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah’s Pony Stable (UPS).”

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever having to move from his tent. To prevent neighboring countries from overhearing what the drums were saying, Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew. It was known as Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS), and she also developed a language to transmit ideas and pictures – Hebrew To The People (HTTP).

And the young men did take to Dot Com’s trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Sybarites, or NERDS.

And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to that enterprising drum dealer, Brother William of Gates, who bought off every drum maker in the land. And indeed did insist on drums to be made that would work only with Brother Gates’ drumheads and drumsticks.

And Dot did say, “Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others” And Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or eBay as it came to be known. He said, “We need a name that reflects what we are.”

And Dot replied, “Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators.” “YAHOO,” said Abraham. And because it was Dot’s idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com.

Abraham’s cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic Educated Kid (GEEK) that he was, soon started using Dot’s drums to locate things around the countryside. It soon became known as God’s Own Official Guide to Locating Everything (GOOGLE).

That is how it all began. And that’s the truth.

Facebooktwittergoogle_plusmail

How to Save the Airlines

Dump the male flight attendants. No one wanted them in the first place. Replace all the female flight attendants with good-looking strippers! What the hell — They don’t even serve food anymore, so what’s the loss?

The strippers would at least triple the alcohol sales and get a ‘party atmosphere’ going in the cabin. And, of course, every businessman in this country would start flying again, hoping to see naked women.

Because of the tips, female flight attendants wouldn’t need a salary, thus saving even more money. I suspect tips would be so good that we could charge the women for working the plane and have them kick back 20% of the tips, including lap dances and ‘special services.’

Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing naked women. Hijackings would come to a screeching halt, and the airline industry would see record revenues. This is definitely a win-win situation if we handle it right — a golden opportunity to turn a liability into an asset.

Why didn’t Obama think of this? Why do I still have to do everything myself?

Sincerely,
Bill Clinton

Facebooktwittergoogle_plusmail