Just Like Frank

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by.

He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, ‘Perfect timing. You’re just like Frank.’

Passenger: ‘Who?’

Cabbie: ‘Frank Feldman. He’s a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time.’

Passenger: ‘There are always a few clouds over everybody.’

Cabbie: Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy.

Passenger: Sounds like he was something really special.

Cabbie: ‘There’s more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody’s birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, could do everything right.’

Passenger: ‘Wow, some guy then.

Cabbie: ‘He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman.

Passenger: An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?

Cabbie: ‘Well… I never actually met Frank. He died and I married his frick’en wife.”

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I said I wanted a puppy!

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Blonde in a Blizzard

It was snowing heavily and blowing to the point that visibility was almost zero when the little Blonde got off work. She made her way to her car and wondered how she was going to make it home. She sat in her car while it warmed up and thought about her situation. She finally remembered her daddy’s advice that if she got caught in a blizzard she should wait for a snow-plow to come by and follow it. That way she would not get stuck in a snow drift.

This made her feel much better and sure enough in a little while a snow-plow went by and she started to follow it. As she followed the snow-plow she was feeling very smug as they continued and she wasn’t having any problem with the blizzard conditions.

After an hour had passed, she was somewhat surprised when the snow-plow stopped and the driver got out and came back to her car and signaled for her to roll down her window. The snow-plow driver wanted to know if she was alright as she had been following him for a long time. She said that she was fine and told him of her daddy’s advice to follow a snow-plow when caught in a blizzard.

The driver replied that it was OK with him and she could continue if she wanted, but he was done with the Wal-Mart parking lot, and was going over to Sears next.

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Student Who Obtained a 0% on an Exam

Q1. In which battle did Napoleon die?
* his last battle

Q2. Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?
* at the bottom of the page

Q3. River Ravi flows in which state?
* liquid

Q4. What is the main reason for divorce?
* marriage

Q5. What is the main reason for failure?
* exams

Q6. What can you never eat for breakfast?
* Lunch & dinner

Q7. What looks like half an apple?
* The other half

Q8. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what it will become?
* It will simply become wet

Q9. How can a man go eight days without sleeping?
* No problem, he sleeps at night.

Q10. How can you lift an elephant with one hand?
* You will never find an elephant that has only one hand.

Q11. If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three oranges in other hand, what would you have ?
* Very large hands

Q12. If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take four men to build it?
* No time at all, the wall is already built.

Q13. How can u drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it?
*Any way you want, concrete floors are very hard to crack.

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Oxymorons

1. Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?
2. Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?
3. If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?
4. If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?
5. Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
6. Why does “slow down” and “slow up” mean the same thing?
7. Why does “fat chance” and “slim chance” mean the same thing?
8. Why do “tug” boats push their barges?
9. Why do we sing “Take me out to the ball game” when we are already there?
10. Why are they called ” stands” when they are made for sitting?
11. Why is it called “after dark” when it really is “after light”?
12. Doesn’t “expecting the unexpected” make the unexpected expected?
13. Why are a “wise man” and a “wise guy” opposites?
14. Why do “overlook” and “oversee” mean opposite things?
15. Why is “phonics” not spelled the way it sounds?
16. If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?
17. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
18. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
19. If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
20. Why is bra singular and panties plural?
21. Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead?
22. Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?
23. How come abbreviated is such a long word?
24. Why do we wash bath towels? Aren’t we clean when we use them?
25. Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
26. Why do they call it a TV set when you only have one?
27. Christmas – What other time of the year do you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks?
28. Why do we drive on a parkway and park on a driveway?

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Happy Man

There was a man who lost one of his arms in an accident. He became very depressed because he had loved to play Golf.

One day in his despair, he decided to commit suicide. He got on an elevator and went to the top of a building to jump off. He was standing on the ledge looking down and saw this man skipping along, whooping and kicking up his heels. He looked closer and saw that this man didn’t have any arms at all. He started thinking, what am I doing up here feeling sorry for myself, I still have one good arm to do things with. There goes a man with no arms skipping down the sidewalk so happy, and going on with his life.

He hurried down and caught up with the man with no arms. He told him how glad he was to see him because he had lost one of his arms and felt useless and was going to kill himself. He thanked him again for saving his life and said he knew he could make it with one arm if that guy could go on with no arms. The man with no arms began dancing and whooping and kicking up his heels again. He asked, ‘Why are you so happy anyway?’

He said, ‘I’m not happy. My balls itch.’

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Men Are Just Happier People

NICKNAMES
If Laura, Kate, and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate, and Sarah. If Mike, Dave, and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Bubba, and Wildman

EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave, and John will each throw in $20, even though it’s only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn’t need but it’s on sale.

BATHROOMS
A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.
The average number of items in the typical woman’s bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change, but she does.

DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes. There’s no use in two people remembering the same thing FOREVER!

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Why Are Men Never Depressed?

What do you expect from such simple creatures?

Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack…
You can be President.
You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
You don’t have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$87.
People never stare at your chest when you’re talking to them.
New shoes don’t cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you,
He or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original color.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, even decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
One wallet and one pair of shoes — one color for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can ‘do’ your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24th in 25 minutes.

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Why Latin America Gets All the Rain and Not The Middle East


Any questions?

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2-2-2012

In 2012 both Groundhog Day and the State of the Union address will occur on the same day. This is an ironic juxtaposition of events. One involves a meaningless ritual in which we look to an insignificant creature of little intelligence for prognostication. The other involves a groundhog.

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Finally, a Useful Obama Product

First came the commemorative coins, then the T-shirts, and then the plates! Now, something for the rest of us…

Use sparingly…I find that it irritates my ass!

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Socially Unacceptable Humor

  • I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest penis she had ever laid her hands on. I said “You’re pulling my leg.”
  • I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!! At least I presume she was poor – she only had $1.20 in her purse.
  • My girlfriend thinks that I’m a stalker. Well, she’s not exactly my girlfriend yet.
  • Went for my routine checkup today and everything seemed to be going fine until he stuck his index finger up my butt! Do you think I should change dentists?
  • A wife says to her husband you’re always pushing me around and talking behind my back. He says what do you expect? You’re in a wheel chair.
  • I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, “You’re obviously not listening.”
  • The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So, I have been to the thrift shop to get all of her clothes back.
  • At the Senior Citizens Center they had a contest the other day. I lost by one point: The question was: Where do women mostly have curly hair? Apparently the correct answer was Africa!
  • One of the other questions that I missed was to name one thing commonly found in cells. It appears that Mexican and Black people is not the correct answer either.
  • There’s a new Muslim clothing shop opened in our shopping center, but I’ve been banned from it after asking to look at some of the new bomber jackets.
  • You can say lots of bad things about pedophiles but at least they drive slowly past schools.
  • A buddy of mine has just told me he’s getting it on with his girlfriend and her twin. I said “How can you tell them apart?” He said “Her brother’s got a mustache.”
  • Just put a deposit down on a brand new Porsche and mentioned it on Facebook. I said, “I can’t wait for the new 911 to arrive!” Next thing I know 4,000 f….g Muslims have added me as a friend!
  • Being a modest man, when I checked into my hotel on a recent trip, I said to the lady at the registration desk, “I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled.” To which she replied, “No, it’s regular people-porn, you sick bastard.
  • The Red Cross have just knocked at our door and asked if we could help towards the floods in Pakistan. I said we would love to, but our garden hose only reaches the driveway.
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    Why We Shoot Deer

    Why we shoot deer in the wild. (A letter from someone who wants to remain anonymous, who farms, writes well and actually tried this)

    I had this idea that I could rope a deer, put it in a stall, feed it up on corn for a couple of weeks, then kill it and eat it. The first step in this adventure was getting a deer. I figured that, since they congregate at my cattle feeder and do not seem to have much fear of me when we are there (a bold one will sometimes come right up and sniff at the bags of feed while I am in the back of the truck not 4 feet away), it should not be difficult to rope one, get up to it and toss a bag over its head (to calm it down) then hog tie it and transport it home.

    I filled the cattle feeder then hid down at the end with my rope. The cattle, having seen the roping thing before, stayed well back. They were not having any of it. After about 20 minutes, my deer showed up – 3 of them. I picked out a likely looking one, stepped out from the end of the feeder, and threw my rope.

    The deer just stood there and stared at me. I wrapped the rope around my waist and twisted the end so I would have a good hold. The deer still just stood and stared at me, but you could tell it was mildly concerned about the whole rope situation. I took a step towards it, it took a step away. I put a little tension on the rope, and then received an education.

    The first thing that I learned is that, while a deer may just stand there looking at you funny while you rope it, they are spurred to action when you start pulling on that rope.
    That deer EXPLODED.

    The second thing I learned is that pound for pound, a deer is a LOT stronger than a cow or a colt. A cow or a colt in that weight range I could fight down with a rope and with some dignity. A deer– no Chance. That thing ran and bucked and twisted and pulled. There was no controlling it and certainly no getting close to it. As it jerked me off my feet and started dragging me across the ground, it occurred to me that having a deer on a rope was not nearly as good an idea as I had originally imagined. The only upside is that they do not have as much stamina as many other animals.

    A brief 10 minutes later, it was tired and not nearly as quick to jerk me off my feet and drag me when I managed to get up. It took me a few minutes to realize this, since I was mostly blinded by the blood flowing out of the big gash in my head. At that point, I had lost my taste for corn-fed venison. I just wanted to get that devil creature off the end of that rope.

    I figured if I just let it go with the rope hanging around its neck, it would likely die slow and painfully somewhere. At the time, there was no love at all between me and that deer. At that moment, I hated the thing, and I would venture a guess that the feeling was mutual.
    Despite the gash in my head and the several large knots where I had cleverly arrested the deer’s momentum by bracing my head against various large rocks as it dragged me across the ground, I could still think clearly enough to recognize that there was a small chance that I shared some tiny amount of responsibility for the situation we were in. I didn’t want the deer to have to suffer a slow death, so I managed to get it lined back up in between my truck and the feeder – a little trap I had set before hand….kind of like a squeeze chute. I got it to back in there and I started moving up so I could get my rope back.

    Did you know that deer bite?

    They do! I never in a million years would have thought that a deer would bite somebody, so I was very surprised when …… I reached up there to grab that rope and the deer grabbed hold of my wrist. Now, when a deer bites you, it is not like being bit by a horse where they just bite you and slide off to then let go. A deer bites you and shakes its head–almost like a pit bull. They bite HARD and it hurts.

    The proper thing to do when a deer bites you is probably to freeze and draw back slowly. I tried screaming and shaking instead. My method was ineffective.

    It seems like the deer was biting and shaking for several minutes, but it was likely only several seconds. I, being smarter than a deer (though you may be questioning that claim by now), tricked it. While I kept it busy tearing the tendons out of my right arm, I reached up with my left hand and pulled that rope loose.

    That was when I got my final lesson in deer behavior for the day.

    Deer will strike at you with their front feet. They rear right up on their back feet and strike right about head and shoulder level, and their hooves are surprisingly sharp … I learned a long time ago that, when an animal – like a horse – strikes at you with their hooves and you can’t get away easily, the best thing to do is try to make a loud noise and make an aggressive move towards the animal. This will usually cause them to back down a bit so you can escape.

    This was not a horse. This was a deer, so obviously, such trickery would not work. In the course of a millisecond, I devised a different strategy. I screamed like a woman and tried to turn and run. The reason I had always been told NOT to try to turn and run from a horse that paws at you is that there is a good chance that it will hit you in the back of the head.
    Deer may not be so different from horses after all, besides being twice as strong and 3 times as evil, because the second I turned to run, it hit me right in the back of the head and knocked me down..

    Now, when a deer paws at you and knocks you down, it does not immediately leave. I suspect it does not recognize that the danger has passed. What they do instead is paw your back and jump up and down on you while you are laying there crying like a little girl and covering your head.

    I finally managed to crawl under the truck and the deer went away.
    So now I know why when people go deer hunting they bring a rifle with a scope……to sort of even the odds!!

    All these events are true so help me God… An Educated Farmer.

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    Simple Philosophy

    This is a deceptively simple philosophy that I have been working on and refining for most of my life. I am delighted to say that I believe I have refined it down to its essence – sufficiently to share it with a select band of friends that may appreciate its elegance and simplicity.

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    Church Signs

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    Graveyard Service

    The graveside service just barely finished, when there was a massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance…The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, ‘Well, she’s there.’

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    Bikini Shopping

    While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband’s advice.

    ‘What do you think?’ I asked. ‘Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?’

    ‘Better get a bikini,’ he replied. ‘You’d never get it all in one.’

    He’s still in intensive care.

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    Surgery

    A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appears and asks him how he is feeling.

    ‘I’m O. K. but I didn’t like the four letter-words the doctor used in surgery,’ he answered.

    ‘What did he say,’ asked the nurse.

    ‘Oops!’

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    Now I Believe in Religion

    Moe: ‘My wife got me to believe in religion.’

    Joe: ‘Really?’

    Moe: ‘Yeah. Until I married her I didn’t believe in Hell.’

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    Golf Gun

    Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.

    ‘How was he killed?’ asked one detective.

    ‘With a golf gun,’ the other detective replied.

    ‘A golf gun! What is a golf gun?’

    ‘I don’t know. But it sure made a hole in Juan.’

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    Flight Time

    A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, ‘Can you tell me how long it’ll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City?’

    The agent replies, ‘Just a minute.’

    ‘Thank you,’ the blonde says, and hangs up.

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    Redneck Murder

    Two Reasons Why It’s So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder:
    1. The DNA all matches.
    2. There are no dental records.

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    Remove the Curse

    An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.

    The Wizard says, ‘Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.’

    The old man says without hesitation, ‘I now pronounce you man and wife.’

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    Emergency Room

    A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside, and said, ‘I don’t like the looks of your wife at all.’

    ‘Me neither, doc,’ said the husband. ‘But she’s a great cook and really good with the kids.’

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    Divorce Court

    ‘Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,’the divorce Court Judge said, ‘And I’ve decided to give your wife $775 a week.’

    ‘That’s very fair, your honor,’ the husband said. ‘And every now and then I’ll try to send her a few bucks myself.’

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    Intelligence

    A little boy went up to his father and asked: ‘Dad, where did my intelligence come from?’

    The father replied. ‘Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, ’cause I still have mine.’

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    Family Trends

    Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and family values.

    Bill said, ‘I didn’t sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?’

    Larry replied, ‘I’m not sure, what was her maiden name?’

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    Motivational Posters #8

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    The Devil and the Old Man

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    Big People Words

    A group of kindergartners were trying very hard to become accustomed to the first grade. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on NO baby talk! You need to use ‘Big People words,’ she was always reminding them.

    She asked John what he had done over the weekend?

    ‘I went to visit my Nana.’

    ‘No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use ‘Big People’ words!’

    She then asked Mitchell what he had done ‘I took a ride on a choo-choo.’

    She said. ‘No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. You must remember to use ‘Big People’ words.’

    She then asked little Alex what he had done? ‘I read a book,’ he replied.

    That’s WONDERFUL!’ the teacher said. ‘What book did you read?’

    Alex thought real hard about it, then puffed out his chest with great pride and said: “Winnie the Shit.”

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    Mood Buttons You Can’t Wear to Work

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    First Time at the Spa

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    Home Security Yard Sign

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    A Frugal Person’s Christmas Decorations

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    Here is an actual sign posted at a golf club in Scotland UK:

    1. BACK STRAIGHT, KNEES BENT, FEET SHOULDER WIDTH APART.
    2. FORM A LOOSE GRIP.
    3. KEEP YOUR HEAD DOWN!
    4. AVOID A QUICK BACK SWING.
    5. STAY OUT OF THE WATER.
    6. TRY NOT TO HIT ANYONE.
    7. IF YOU ARE TAKING TOO LONG, LET OTHERS GO AHEAD OF YOU.
    8. DON’T STAND DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF OTHERS.
    9. QUIET PLEASE…WHILE OTHERS ARE PREPARING.
    10. DON’T TAKE EXTRA STROKES.

    WELL DONE..NOW, FLUSH THE URINAL, GO OUTSIDE, AND TEE OFF.

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    Thirsty Taliban

    A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the oasis, only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand, selling ties.

    The Taliban asked, “Do you have water?”

    The Jewish man replied, “I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5.”

    The Taliban shouted, “Idiot! I do not need an over-priced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!”

    “OK,” said the old Jewish man, “It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold water you need. Shalom.”

    Cursing, the Taliban staggered away over the hill Several hours later he staggered back, almost dead & said, “Your fucking brother won’t let me in without a tie!”

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    Proof That The World Is Nuts

    In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death.
    (Like THAT makes sense!)

    In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman’s genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror.
    (Do they look different in reverse?)

    Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers. The sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times.
    (A brick?)

    The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.
    (Much worse than “going blind!”)

    There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins,who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time. Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.
    (Let’s just think for a minute; is there any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)

    In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. No golf clubs….I hear a 3 iron works well. The husband’s illicit lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired.
    (Ah! Justice!)

    Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England – but only in tropical fish stores.
    (But of course!)

    In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, hermother must be in the room to witness the act.
    (Makes one shudder at the thought!)

    In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time.
    (I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?)

    In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: Prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises.
    (Is this a great country or what?)
    (Well, not as great as Guam!)

    Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
    (Who volunteers for these tests?)

    The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.
    (From drinking little bottles of? Did our government pay for this research?)

    Butterflies taste with their feet.
    (Ah, geez.)

    An ostrich’s eye is bigger than its brain.
    (I know some people like that.)

    Starfish don’t have brains.
    (I know some people like that, too.)

    Turtles can breathe through their butts.
    (And I thought I had bad breath in the morning!)

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    They Can’t Be At WalMart All the Time

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    Photo of a Wife

    The old man goes to answer a knock at the door one evening only to find two sherrif deputy’s standing there.
    “Sir, are you married?” One deputy asked.
    “Why yes,” the old man replied “for 48 years.”
    “Do you have a photograph of your wife sir?” the second deputy questioned.
    The old man pulled a picture out his wallet and handed to the officers. They looked it over and handed it back to him.
    “Sir, I’m sorry but it looks like your wife has been hit by a truck.”
    The old man says, “I know son, but she’s got a wonderful personality and she’s a great cook.”

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    Bar Scene

    I was standing at the bar and this Chinese guy comes in and stands next to me….I said to him, “Do you know any of those martial arts things, like Kung-Fu, Karate or Ju-Jitsu?”
    He says “No, why the fluck you ask me dat, is it coz I Chinee”?
    “No”, I said…. “It’s because you’re drinking my fucking beer you slant eyed little prick.”

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    Red Cross

    The Red Cross just knocked on my door and asked if we could contribute towards the floods in Pakistan. I said we’d love to, but our garden hose only reaches to the driveway.

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    New Clothing Shop

    There’s a new Muslim clothing shop that opened in our shopping center, but they threw me out after I asked if I could look at some of the bomber jackets.

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    Apple Scrapped Their Plans for a New Product

    I’ve heard that Apple has scrapped their plans for the new children’s-oriented iPod after realizing that “iTouch Kids” is not a good product name.

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    Prepare for the Worst

    My wife has been missing a week now. The police said to prepare for the worst. So, I went down to Goodwill to get all of her clothes back.

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    Talking Behind My Back

    A wife says to her husband “You’re always pushing me around and talking behind my back.”
    And he says “What do you expect? You’re in a wheelchair!”

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    Stalker

    My girlfriend says she thinks that I might be a stalker. Well…she’s not exactly my girlfriend yet.

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    My Wife is Dead

    A man calls 911 and says “I think my wife is dead”.
    The operator says, “How do you know?”
    He says “The sex is about the same, but the ironing is piling up!”

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    Little Johnny Doesn’t Need Anything

    A teacher goes around her class asking each of the kids what do they need at home.
    1st kid says “A computer”.
    Teacher replies “That’d be very useful.”
    2nd kid says “a new lawn mower” and gets a similar response.
    Little Johnny pops up and says ” At my house we don’t need nothin.”
    The teacher asks him to think again carefully as everybody needs something.
    Little Johnny replies, “no I’m sure.”
    “When my sister started going out with a Muslim, I remember my dad saying,
    “Well, that’s the last damned thing we need.”

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    December 10th, 2011 Lunar Eclipse Photos from Kanagawa, Japan

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    Cost of Living

    The cost of living has now gotten so bad that my wife is having sex with me because she can’t afford batteries!

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