Author: Dave
I've always been curious about the world beyond my own backyard. While many people spend their entire lives close to where they were born, I've been fortunate enough to travel across the United States and around the world. Every place I've visited has challenged my assumptions in one way or another and reminded me that, despite our differences, people often have far more in common than they realize.
I don't write to tell personal stories for the sake of telling them, and I don't believe every article needs to revolve around me. Instead, I enjoy using my experiences as a starting point for exploring larger ideas. Whether it's something I noticed while walking through a market overseas, a conversation with someone from another culture, or simply observing how different communities solve similar problems, I'm interested in the lessons those moments can teach all of us.
Travel has given me perspective, but it has also taught me humility. The more places I visit, the more I realize there is still to learn. Every culture has something worth appreciating, and every journey has a way of expanding how we see the world and our place within it.
When I write, my goal is simple: to share thoughtful observations, compare perspectives, and encourage curiosity. I hope readers come away having learned something new—not just about another place, but about the world we all share. If one of my articles inspires someone to look at a familiar idea differently, ask a new question, or venture a little farther than they otherwise might have, then I've accomplished exactly what I set out to do.
Idiot Sightings
I handed the teller at my bank a withdrawal slip for $400.00 .
I said “May I have large bills, please”?
She looked at me and said “I’m sorry sir; all the bills are the same size.”
When I got up off the floor I explained it to her.
Columbus, OH.
When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it.
We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver side door.
As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked.
‘Hey,’ I announced to the technician, ‘it’s open!’
His reply: ‘I know. I already got that side. ‘
This was at the Ford dealership in Canton, MS
We had to have the garage door repaired.
The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a ‘large’ enough motor on the opener.
I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower.
He shook his head and said, ‘Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower.’ I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4.
He said, ‘NO, it’s not.’ Four is larger than two.’
We haven’t used Sears repair since.
South Bend, IN.
My daughter and I went through the McDonald’s take-out window and I gave the clerk a $5 bill.
Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter.
She said, ‘you gave me too much money.’ I said, ‘Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar bill back.
She sighed and went to get the manager, who asked me to repeat my request.
I did so, and he handed me back the quarter, and said ‘We’re sorry but we could not do that kind of thing.’
The clerk then proceeded to give me back $1 and 75 cents in change.
Do not confuse the clerks at McD’s in Green Bay, WS.
I live in a semi rural area.
We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office
to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road.
The reason: ‘Too many deer are being hit by cars out here!
I don’t think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.’
Cameron, MO.
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco.
She asked the person behind the counter for ‘minimal lettuce.’
He said he was sorry, but they only had iceburg lettuce.
From Oklahoma City
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked,
‘Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?’
To which I replied, ‘If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?’
He smiled knowingly and nodded, ‘That’s why we ask.’
Happened in Birmingham, AL
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it’s safe to cross the street.
I was crossing with an intellectually challenged co- worker of mine.
She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for.
I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.
Appalled, she responded, ‘What on earth are blind people doing driving?’
She was a probation officer in Wichita, KS
At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker who was leaving the company due to ‘downsizing,’
our manager commented cheerfully, ‘This is fun. We should do this more often.’
Not another word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.
This was a lunch at Texas Instruments.
I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself.
And for the sake of her life, couldn’t understand why her system would not turn on.
A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriffs office, no less.
How would you pronounce this child’s name?
“Le-a”
Leah?? NO
Lee – A?? NOPE
Lay – a?? NO
Lei?? Guess Again.
This child attends a school in Chicago.
Her mother is irate because everyone is getting her name wrong.
It’s pronounced “Ledasha”. Get it Le dash a
SO, if you see something come across your desk like this please remember to pronounce the dash.
If dey axe you why, tell dem de dash don’t be silent.
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Funny Signs
Why You Should Never Trust a Lidded Pot in a Chinese Restaurant
A couple goes for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and orders the “Chicken Surprise.” The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot.
Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.
“Good grief, did you see that?” she asks her husband. He hasn’t, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down. Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and demands an explanation.
“Please sir,” says the waiter, “what you order?” The husband replies, “Chicken Surprise.”
The waiter replies, … “Ah… so sorry, I bring you Peeking Duck!”
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Question
Fifty Shades of Grey
He was in ecstasy, with a huge smile on his face, as his wife moved forwards, then backwards, forward, then backwards again …….. back and forth …. back and forth ….. in and out ….. in and out. She could feel the sweat on her forehead and between her breasts, and trickling down the small of her back, she was getting near to the end. Her heart was pounding … her face was flushed …. then she moaned, softly at first, then began to groan louder.
Finally, totally exhausted, she let out an almighty scream and shouted, “OK, OK! I can’t park the bloody car! You do it, you smug bastard!”
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The Dreaded Phone Call From the Boss
My boss phoned me today. He said, “Is everything OK at the office?”
I said, “It’s all under control. It’s been a very busy day. I haven’t stopped to take a break all day.”
“Can you do me a favour?” he asked.
I said “Of course, What is it?”
“Pick up the pace a little. I’m in the group behind you.”
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Dear Mum Letter
A mother passing by her son’s bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made, and everything was picked up. Then, she saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow.
It was addressed, ‘Mum’. With the worst premonition, she opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands.
‘Dear, Mum.
It is with great regret and sorrow that I’m writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Dad and you.
I’ve been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her, because of all her piercings, tattoos, her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am..
But it’s not only the passion, Mum. She’s pregnant.
Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.
Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn’t really hurt anyone. We’ll be growing it for ourselves, and trading it with the other people in the commune, for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.
In the meantime, we’ll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS, so Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!!
Don’t worry Mum, I’m 15, and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I’m sure we’ll be back to visit, so you can get to know your many grandchildren.
Love, your son, Nicholas.
PS: Mum, none of the above is true. I’m over at Jason’s house.
I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that’s on my desk.
I love you!
Call when it is safe for me to come home.
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Amazing Discovery
Scientists at CERN in Geneva have announced the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science..
The new element is Governmentium (Gv). It has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lefton-like particles called peons. Since Governmentium has no electrons or protons, it is inert. However, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A tiny amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction normally taking less than a second to take from four days to four years to complete. Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2- 6 years. It does not decay but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, Governmentium’s mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes. This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass. When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons. All of the money is consumed in the exchange, and no other by-products are produced.
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A Message from John Cleese
The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Syria and have therefore raised their security level from “Miffed” to “Peeved.” Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to “Irritated” or even “A Bit Cross.” The English have not been “A Bit Cross” since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from “Tiresome” to “A Bloody Nuisance.” The last time the British issued a “Bloody Nuisance” warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.
The Scots have raised their threat level from “Pissed Off” to “Let’s get the Bastards.” They don’t have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.
The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from “Run” to “Hide.” The only two higher levels in France are “Collaborate” and “Surrender.” The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France ‘s white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country’s military capability.
Italy has increased the alert level from “Shout Loudly and Excitedly” to “Elaborate Military Posturing.” Two more levels remain: “Ineffective Combat Operations” and “Change Sides.”
The Germans have increased their alert state from “Disdainful Arrogance” to “Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs.” They also have two higher levels: “Invade a Neighbour” and “Lose.”
Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels ..
The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.
Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from “No worries” to “She’ll be right, Mate.” Two more escalation levels remain: “Crikey! I think we’ll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!” and “The barbie is cancelled.” So far no situation has ever warranted use of the last final escalation level.
Regards,
John Cleese ,
British writer, actor and tall person
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Dogs
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, ‘Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?’ ‘HELLLOOOOOOO……,’ answered the blonde. ‘They’re watch dogs’
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In a Vacuum
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night… It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, ‘If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?’ She thought for a time and then asked, ‘Is it on or off?’
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Blonde on the Sun
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day.
The Russian said, ‘We were the first in space!’
The American said, ‘We were the first on the moon!’
The Blonde said, ‘So what? We’re going to be the first on the sun!’ The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads.
‘You can’t land on the sun, you idiot! You’ll burn up!’ said the Russian.
To which the Blonde replied, ‘We’re not stupid, you know. We’re going at night!’
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Knitting
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, ‘PULL OVER!’
‘NO!’ the blonde yelled back, ‘IT’S A SCARF!’
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River Walk
There’s this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank ‘Yoo-hoo!’ she shouts, ‘How can I get to the other side?’
The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, ‘You ARE on the other side.’
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At the Doctor’s Office
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor’s office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it. ‘Impossible!’ says the doctor.. ‘Show me.’
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, ‘You’re not really a redhead, are you?
‘Well, no’ she said, ‘I’m actually a blonde.’
‘I thought so,’ the doctor said, ‘Your finger is broken.’
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Speeding Ticket
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.
She replied in a huff, ‘I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!’
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Ninja Show Near Mie, Japan
Went to Mie, Japan to checkout a real life ninja show. This was pretty neat because I went to an actual ninja village and learned that the Mie ninja’s were good at the art of implanting a suggestion into a person’s mind in order to get them to do what they want. If I remember correctly, I think they were also good at alchemy and making smoke bombs so they can conceal their escape. It was a fun experience to see and I would certainly recommend it for others.
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Car Trouble
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She says, ‘What’s the story?’
He replies, ‘Just crap in the carburetor’
She asks, ‘How often do I have to do that?’
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Florida or Moon
Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says to the other, ‘Which do you think is farther away… Florida or the moon?’ The other blonde turns and says ‘Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida?