Two blondes were going to Disneyland . They were driving on the Interstate when they saw the sign that said Disneyland Left. They started crying and turned around and went home.
Author: Dave
I've always been curious about the world beyond my own backyard. While many people spend their entire lives close to where they were born, I've been fortunate enough to travel across the United States and around the world. Every place I've visited has challenged my assumptions in one way or another and reminded me that, despite our differences, people often have far more in common than they realize.
I don't write to tell personal stories for the sake of telling them, and I don't believe every article needs to revolve around me. Instead, I enjoy using my experiences as a starting point for exploring larger ideas. Whether it's something I noticed while walking through a market overseas, a conversation with someone from another culture, or simply observing how different communities solve similar problems, I'm interested in the lessons those moments can teach all of us.
Travel has given me perspective, but it has also taught me humility. The more places I visit, the more I realize there is still to learn. Every culture has something worth appreciating, and every journey has a way of expanding how we see the world and our place within it.
When I write, my goal is simple: to share thoughtful observations, compare perspectives, and encourage curiosity. I hope readers come away having learned something new—not just about another place, but about the world we all share. If one of my articles inspires someone to look at a familiar idea differently, ask a new question, or venture a little farther than they otherwise might have, then I've accomplished exactly what I set out to do.
Speaking German in Texas
In Texas, there is a town named Fredericksburg, where there is a large German-speaking population. One day, a local rancher driving down a country road noticed a man using his hand to drink water from the rancher’s stock pond.
The rancher rolled down the window and shouted: “Sehr angenehm! Trink das Wasser nicht. Die kuehe haben darein geschissen.”
(Translated: “Glad to meet you! Don’t drink the water. The cows have used it as their toilet”.)
The man shouted back: “I’m from New York and just down here campaigning for Obama’s health care plan. I can’t understand you. Please speak in English.”
The rancher replied: “Use both hands.”
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Married Life
– The wife’s back on the warpath again. Last night she said she wanted to make a sex movie, and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part.
– My sister-in-law sat on my glasses and broke them. It was my own fault. I should have taken them off.
– I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night, or “foreplay” as she likes to call it.
– After both suffering from depression for awhile, the wife and I were going to commit suicide yesterday. But strangely enough, once she killed herself, I started to feel a lot better. So I thought, screw it, I’ll soldier on!
– I woke up this morning at 8 and just felt that something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing! I panicked. I didn’t know what to do. Then I remembered McDonald’s serves breakfast until 11:30.
– The other night, my wife asked me how many women I’d slept with. I told her, “Only you. All the others kept me awake all night!”
– My wife packed my bags and said “GET OUT!!!”. As I walked out the front door, she screamed, “I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!” “Oh,” I replied, “so now you want me to stay!”
– I’ve just installed strobe lights in the bedroom. It makes the wife look like she’s moving during sex.
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Scottish Blood
A wealthy Arab Sheik was admitted to hospital for heart surgery, but prior to the surgery, the doctors needed to store his type of blood in case the need arose. As the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn’t be found locally, so, the call went out. Finally a Scotsman was located who had a similar blood type. The Scot willingly donated his blood for the Arab.
After the surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman in appreciation for giving his blood, a new BMW, 5 carats of diamonds, and $50,000 dollars.
A couple of days later, once again, the Arab had to go through a corrective surgery. The hospital telephoned the Scotsman who was more than happy to donate more of his blood again. After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman a thank-you card and a box of Black Magic chocolates.
The Scotsman was shocked that the Arab did not reciprocate his kind gesture as he had before. He phoned the Arab and asked him: “I thought you would be generous again, that you would give me another BMW, diamonds and money … but you only gave me a thank-you card and a box of chocolates.”
To this the Arab replied: “Aye laddie, but I now have Scottish blood in ma veins”.
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The Aisle Seat
Terrorists boarded a flight out of London. One took a window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat. Just before take-off, a Royal Marine sat down in the aisle seat. After take-off the Marine kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said ‘I need to get up and get a Coke.’
‘Don’t get up,’ said the Marine ‘I’m in the aisle seat, ‘I’ll get it for you.’
As soon as he left one of the Arabs picked up the Marine’s shoe and spat in it. When the Marine returned with the Coke, the other Arab said, ‘That looks good. I’d really like one too.’ Again, the Marine obligingly went to fetch it. While he was gone the other Arab picked up the Marine’s other shoe and spat in it. When the Marine returned they all sat back and enjoyed the flight. As the plane was landing the Marine slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened. He leaned over and asked his Arab neighbours, ‘Why does it have to be this way?’
‘How long must this go on? This fighting between our nations? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and pissing in Cokes?’
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Difficult Things to Say
Words that are difficult to say when DRUNK:
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon
WORDS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Specificity
2. Anti-constitutionalistically
3. Passive-aggressive disorder
4. Transubstantiate
WORDS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. No thanks, I’m married.
2. Nope, no more booze for me!
3. Sorry, but you’re not really my type.
4. No thanks, I’m not hungry.
5. I’m not interested in fighting you.
6. Thank you, but I won’t make any attempt to dance. I have no coordination and would hate to look like a real Fool!
7. Oh no, I must be going home now as I have to work in the morning
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Book Report
Students at a local school were assigned to read 2 books, ‘Titanic’ and ‘My Life’ by Bill Clinton.
One student turned in the following book report, with the proposition that they were nearly identical stories!
His cool professor gave him an A+ for this report.
Titanic : Cost – $29.99
Clinton : Cost – $29.99
Titanic : Over 3 hours to read
Clinton : Over 3 hours to read
Titanic : The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.
Clinton : The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.
Titanic : Jack is a starving artist.
Clinton : Bill is a bullshit artist.
Titanic : In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
Clinton : Ditto for Bill.
Titanic : During the ordeal, Rose’s dress gets ruined.
Clinton : Ditto for Monica.
Titanic : Jack teaches Rose to spit.
Clinton : Let’s not go there….
Titanic : Rose gets to keep her jewelry.
Clinton : Monica is forced to return her gifts.
Titanic : Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.
Clinton : Clinton doesn’t remember Jack.
Titanic : Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.
Clinton : Monica… Ooh, let’s not go there, either.
Titanic : Jack surrenders to an icy death.
Clinton : Bill goes home to Hillary–basically the same thing
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Best T-shirt Ever
Curliest Hair
I had a big lead in a trivia competition at a local bar until the last question, which I got wrong. The question was where do women have the curliest hair? Fiji was the correct answer…hell, how did I know they wanted the name of a country?
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Where Am I?
Man in a hot air balloon is lost over Iowa . He looks down and sees a farmer in the fields and shouts to him, where am I? The farmer looks back up and shouts back. You’re in a basket you dumb shit!
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When Unattended Bags Were Just Temptations, Not Threats
I hate all this terrorist business. I used to love the days when you could look at an unattended bag on a train or bus and think to yourself. I’m going to take that.’
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Shutter Speed
Japanese scientists have now created a camera with such a fantastic shutter speed that it is now possible to take a photograph of a woman with her mouth closed.
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Last Thing on My Mind
A 10-year old Irish boy stands crying at the side of the road. A man passing by asks ‘What’s wrong, lad?’ The boy says ‘Me ma died this morning.’ ‘Oh bejaysus,’ The man says. ‘Do you want me to call Father O’Riley for you?’ The boy replies, ‘No tanks mister, sex is the last thing on my mind at the moment.’
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Fat Chance
Snow in the forecast and the TV weather gal said she was expecting 8 inches tonight. I thought to myself, ‘fat chance’, with a face like that!
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Any Change?
I walked past a black kid sitting at a bus stop as I went into the bank. When I came out, he looked at me and said ‘Any Change?’ I said, ‘Nope, you’re still black’.
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Sorry About the Wait
A fat girl served me in McDonald’s at lunchtime. She said ‘sorry about the wait’. I said, ‘Don’t worry, you’ll find a way to lose it eventually’.
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Will Power
I’d just come out of the shop with a roast beef sandwich, large chips, ear of corn & a jumbo sausage. A poor homeless man sat there and said ‘I’ve not eaten for two days.’ I told him, ‘I wish I had your will power.’
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Buying a Bike
Advice for women buying a bicycle…When purchasing a bicycle…no matter how cute you are. Be sure to consider the color of the seat!
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Squirrel: Ouch!
You Could Have Heard a Pin Drop
Secretary of State, Dean Rusk, was in France in the early 60’s when DeGaulle decided to pull out of NATO.
DeGaulle said he wanted all US military out of France as soon as possible.
Rusk responded, “Does that include those who are buried here?”
DeGaulle did not respond.
You could have heard a pin drop.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When in England , at a fairly large conference, Colin Powell was asked by the Archbishop of Canterbury if our plans for Iraq were just an example of ’empire building’ by George Bush.
He answered by saying, “Over the years, the United States has sent many of its fine young men and women into great peril to fight for freedom beyond our borders. The only amount of land we have ever asked for in return is enough to bury those that did not return.”
You could have heard a pin drop.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
There was a conference in France where a number of international engineers were taking part, including French and American. During a break, one of the French engineers came back into the room saying, “Have you heard the latest dumb stunt Bush has done? He has sent an aircraft carrier to Indonesia to help the tsunami victims. What does he intend to do, bomb them?”
A Boeing engineer stood up and replied quietly: “Our carriers have three hospitals on board that can treat several hundred people; they are nuclear powered and can supply emergency electrical power to shore facilities; they have three cafeterias with the capacity to feed 3,000 people three meals a day, they can produce several thousand gallons of fresh water from sea water each day, and they carry half a dozen helicopters for use in transporting victims and injured to and from their flight deck. We have eleven such ships; how many does France have?”
You could have heard a pin drop.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A U.S. Navy Admiral was attending a naval conference that included Admirals from the U.S., English, Canadian, Australian and French Navies.
At a cocktail reception, he found himself standing with a large group of officers that included personnel from most of those countries.
Everyone was chatting away in English as they sipped their drinks, but a French admiral suddenly complained that, whereas Europeans learn many languages, Americans learn only English. He then asked, “Why is it that we always have to speak English in these conferences rather than speaking French?”
Without hesitating, the American Admiral replied, “Maybe it’s because the Brit’s, Canadians, Aussie’s and Americans arranged it so you wouldn’t have to speak German.”
You could have heard a pin drop.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Robert Whiting, an elderly gentleman of 83, arrived in Paris by plane. At French Customs, he took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry on.
“You have been to France before, monsieur?” the customs officer asked sarcastically.
Mr. Whiting admitted that he had been to France previously.
“Then you should know enough to have your passport ready.”
The American said, “The last time I was here, I didn’t have to show it.”
“Impossible.. Americans always have to show their passports on arrival in France!”
The American senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look. Then, he quietly explained, ”Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach on D-Day in 1944 to help liberate this country, I couldn’t find a single Frenchman to show a passport to.”
You could have heard a pin drop.