Dave

I have been fortunate enough to travel the world. I enjoy sharing my thoughts, opinions, and experiences for everyone to see.

Author's posts

Woman’s Perfect Breakfast

She’s sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.. Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box. Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week. Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl. And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.

Blonde Phone Call

“Hi Mom, How are you?” “Hi Sally, where are you? I thought you were with your father at the Ace Hardware” “Yeah we were, but I got arrested, and they’ve let me make one phone call” “What happened?” “Oh, I punched this African-American woman in the head.” “What on earth ~ why did you do …

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Disorder in the American Courts

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place. ATTORNEY: What w as the first thing your husband said to …

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Partnership

New Zealander’s Sixth Grader’s Speech

Girl Scouts

English from Around the World

In a Bangkok Temple: IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN, EVEN A FOREIGNER, IF DRESSED AS A MAN. Cocktail lounge, Norway: LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR. Doctor’s office, Rome: SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES. Dry cleaners, Bangkok: DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR THE BEST RESULTS. In a Nairobi …

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India School of Business – Lesson 1

Rajpat (father): I want you to marry a girl of my choice. Son: “I will choose my own bride!” Rajpat: “But the girl is Bill Gates’s daughter..” Son: “Well, in that case… ok” Next Rajpat approaches Bill Gates. Rajpat: “I have a husband for your daughter…” Bill Gates: “But my daughter is too young to …

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Sportsman’s Double

I’ll confess, I ended up with an older woman at a bar last night. She looked pretty good for a 60-year-old. In fact, she wasn’t too bad at all, and I found myself thinking she probably had a really hot daughter. We drank a couple of beers, and she asked if I’d ever had a …

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The Blokes Lunch

“A group of chaps, all age 40, discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the waitresses there were gorgeous, with tight skirts, perky breasts and nice bums. Ten years later, at age 50, the friends once again discussed where they should …

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Tequila

A man walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees that it’s filled to the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must be at least ten thousand dollars in it. He approaches the bartender and asks, “What’s with the money in the jar?” “Well…, you pay $10, and …

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Horse Races

A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan. ‘What was that for?’ the man asked. The wife replied ‘That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket.’ The man then said ‘When I …

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Which Do You Like?

A wife asked her husband: ‘What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?’ He looked at her from head to toe and replied: ‘I like your sense of humour!’

Fortune

A newly married man asked his wife, ‘Would you have married me if my father hadn’t left me a fortune?’ ‘Honey,’ the woman replied sweetly, ‘I’d have married you, no matter who left you a fortune!’

Bus Seat

Son: ‘Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.’ Mom: ‘Well, you have done the right thing.’ Son: ‘But mum, I was sitting on daddy’s lap.’

Stress Reliever

Girl: ‘When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.’ Boy: ‘It’s very kind of you, darling, but I don’t have any worries or troubles.’ Girl: ‘Well that’s because we aren’t married yet.’

Dinner

Wife: ‘Do you want dinner?’ Husband: ‘Sure! What are my choices?’ Wife: ‘Yes or no.’

Pest Control

A woman was having a passionate affair with an Irish inspector from a pest-control company.. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly. ‘Quick,’ said the woman to the lover, ‘into the closet!’ and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked. The husband, however, became suspicious …

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Senility

An elderly man went to his doctor and said, ‘Doc, I think I’m getting senile.. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up.’ ‘That’s not senility,’ replied the doctor. ‘Senility is when you forget to zip down.’

Brothel Trip

An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is. ‘I’m 90 years old,’ he says. ’90!’ replies the woman. ‘Don’t you realize you’ve had it?’ ‘Oh, sorry,’ says the old man. …

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Confession

An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues: Man: ‘I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitch-hiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.’ Priest: ‘Are …

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Donation

Father O’Malley answers the phone. ‘Hello, is this Father O’Malley?’ ‘It is!’ ‘This is the Internal Revenue Service . Can you help us?’ ‘I can!’ ‘Do you know a Ted Houlihan?’ ‘I do!’ ‘Is he a member of your congregation?’ ‘He is!’ ‘Did he donate $10,000 to the church?’ ‘He will.’

What’s in a name?

She named him Dick!

Irish Pastor

The Reverend John Fluff was the pastor in a small town in Ireland.. One day he was walking down the high street when he noticed a young lady of his congregation sitting in a pub drinking beer. The Reverend wasn’t happy about that! He walked through the open door of the pub and sat down …

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The Blonde and the Lord

A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She’d seen many books on the subject, and finally getting all the necessary tools together, she made for the ice. After positioning her comfy footstool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice. Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed, “There are no fish under the …

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Great to Grow Old

An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married. Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living …

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The New 2012 Ford

Renault and Ford have joined forces to create the perfect small car for women. Mixing the Renault ‘Clio’ and the Ford ‘Taurus’ they have designed the ‘Clitaurus’. It comes in pink, and the average male car thief won’t be able to find it – let alone turn it on – even if someone tells him …

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Those Darn Pills

The sex between the wife and me had been a bit unsatisfying of late, So she told me, “Go to the pharmacy and get some of those pills that will help you to get an erection.” You can imagine her reaction when I came back from the drug store and tossed her the diet pills!……damn …

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The New Italian Lamborghini Gallardo Police Car

The new Italian Lamborghini Gallardo police car at its unveiling ceremony, one of two new high speed patrol cars in the Italian police force, needed to catch speeding drivers: What a car! Pity they couldn’t find someone who could drive it… Mamma Mia!

Puns

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent. 2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, “I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything.” 3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted. 4. A dyslexic …

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Sensitive Men’s Stories

1. I was walking through the cemetery this morning and saw a guy crouching down behind a tombstone. I said, “Morning.” He said, “No, just taking a shit”. 2. When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realized that the Lord doesn’t work that way, so …

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The Bacon Tree

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States , wandering aimlessly and starving. They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden Luis says: “Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I theenk.” “Si, Luis, eet sure smell like bacon. …

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Mount Fuji Drive Photos

Took a drive around Yamanashi today. Drove around the 5 lakes that are around Mount Fuji. As you can see it is winter time and there is still some ice on the lakes. Stopped and took some photos along the way and even saw some waterfalls. Here are the photos I took during this adventure.

Mount Fuji

Drove over to Mount Fuji to look around and also came across some waterfalls. This time of year wasn’t exactly green and lively, but there was still some beautiful views to be seen.

Nagoya Castle, Japan

Went to the Nagoya Castle today and toured it to see what it is like. There are nice panoramic views of the city and there is a small moat around the castle, but one thing I noticed immediately was how steep the foundation walls are. One of the most famous unique things about this castle …

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Two Buddies

Two buddies, Fred and Jerry, were getting very drunk at a bar when suddenly Jerry throws up all over himself. ‘Oh, no… Now my wife will kill me!’ Fred says, ‘Don’t worry, pal. Just tuck a TWENTY in your breast pocket and tell your wife that someone threw up on you and gave you TWENTY …

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Golf Wisdom

Don’t buy a putter until you’ve had a chance to throw it. Never try to keep more than 300 separate thoughts in your mind during your swing. When your shot has to carry over a water hazard, you can either hit one more club or two more balls. If you’re afraid a full shot might …

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Snow Sculptures

Dictator

Andy Rooney on Sex

1. When I was born, I was given a choice – a big pecker or a good memory….I don’t remember what I chose. 2. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory. 3. A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects. 4. Impotence: nature’s way of …

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Date Expectations

A while back, I picked up a lovely date at her parents’ home. I’d scraped together some money to take her to a fancy restaurant. She ordered the most expensive items on the menu. Shrimp cocktail. Lobster Patron. Champagne. I asked her, “Does your mother feed you like that when you eat at home?” “No,” …

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Winning

Exercise Routine For Seniors

Bulging Pockets

A man got on the bus with both of his front trouser pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful blonde. The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets. Finally, after many glances from her, he said, “It’s golf balls.” The blonde continued to look at him for …

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2011 Darwin Awards

You’ve been waiting for them with bated breath, so without further ado, here are the 2011 Darwin Awards: Eighth Place In Detroit, a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two feet of water after squeezing head first through an 18-inch-wide sewer grate to retrieve his car keys. Seventh Place A 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, …

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Words

A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day…30,000 to a man’s 15,000. The wife replied, ‘The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men…The husband then turned to his wife and asked, ‘What?’

One of the Best Anti-Carjacking Devices

Great Conversation Starter

Philosophers’ Views of Wives and Marriage

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. David Bissonette After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can’t face each other, but still they stay together.. Sacha Guitry By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll be …

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New Restaurant

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple’s house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, ‘Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would Recommend it very highly.’ The other man said, ‘What …

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