Dave

I have been fortunate enough to travel the world. I enjoy sharing my thoughts, opinions, and experiences for everyone to see.

Author's posts

Are You From Ireland?

I was in a pub last Saturday night, drank quite a few, and noticed two very large women by the bar. They both had pretty strong accents, so I asked, “Hey, are you two ladies from Ireland?” One of them snapped back saying, “It’s WALES , you friggin’ idiot!” So, I immediately apologized and said, …

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Too True

Men

A man was granted two wishes by God, he asked for the best drink & the best woman ever. Next moment he got mineral water & Mother Teresa. ********************************************************* There are 3 kinds of men in this world. Some remain single and make wonders happen. Some have girlfriends and see wonders happen. Rest get married …

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Trust me I’m an Engineer

Living Will

Happy Halloween

This guy is from Michigan and usually competes on Food Network’s Halloween Challenges….and wins every time!

Retirement Occupation

As we get older we sometimes begin to doubt our ability to “make a difference” in the world. It is at these times that our hopes are boosted by the remarkable achievements of other “seniors” who have found the courage to take on challenges that would make many of us wither. Harold Schlumberg is such …

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Signs

Never Under-estimate the Person Seated Next to You

A guy asked a girl in a university library: “Do you mind if I sit beside you?” The girl replied with a loud voice: “I DON’T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!” All the students in the library started staring at the guy; He was truly embarrassed. After a couple of minutes, the girl …

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Colin the Brave

A rich man living in Balwyn decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbours. He also invited Colin, the only aborigine in the neighborhood. He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion. Everyone was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating prawns, …

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Saudi Arabia Vehicle Cover

Vote Early and Often

If God wanted us to vote, he would have given us candidates. ~ Jay Leno The problem with political jokes is they get elected. ~ Henry Cate, VII We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office. ~ Aesop If we got one-tenth of what was promised to us in these …

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Read the Instructions

His and Hers Parking

Fly Love

Italian Solution

A Catholic priest, a doctor, a rich businessman , and an Italian Guy from New York were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers in front of them. The Italian Guy from New York fumed, ‘What’s with those frickin’ jerks? We’re waiting fifteen minutes between shots!’ The doctor chimed in, ‘I don’t …

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Dentist Appointment

After an excitingly hot 69 position with his girlfriend, Jerry remembered he had a dentist appointment. He was afraid that the dentist would smell pussy on his breath so he brushed his teeth 7 times, used dental floss 8 times & on top of that gargled 1 litre of Listerine. As he arrived at the …

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Mouse is Jammed

Caller : Hi, our printer is not working. Customer Service: What is wrong with it? Caller : Mouse is jammed.. Customer Service: Mouse? Printers don’t have a mouse! Caller: Mmmmm??.. Oh really?… I’ll send a picture.

The Golf Nut

Ed and Nancy met while on a singles cruise and Ed fell head over heels for her. When they discovered they lived in the same city only a few miles apart Ed was ecstatic. He immediately started asking her out when they got home. Within a couple of weeks, Ed had taken Nancy to dance …

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A Bridge Too Far

A man on his Harley was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, God said, ‘because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.’ The biker pulled over and said, ‘Build a bridge to Hawaii …

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First Time Sex

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and have a dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time. The boy is ecstatic, but he has …

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Father

Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation. They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy. As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc. The next morning they went to …

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Hell of a Day

There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig. “Well, whatcha’ gonna do about it?” he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears. “Come on, man,” the biker says, “I didn’t think you’d …

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Holland Michigan

Traveled over to Holland, Michigan today and took some photos of the windmill and the interesting things there, here are my photos of that experience. Many people may not know it, but one of the working windmills was taken apart from Holland in the Netherlands and shipped to Holland, Michigan in the United States where …

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Homeland Security: Grocery Store

There was a bit of confusion at the Local Jay C grocery store this morning. When I was ready to pay for my groceries, the cashier said, “Strip down, facing me.” Making a mental note to complain to my congressman about Homeland Security running amok, I did just as she had instructed. When the hysterical …

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Dear Abby

Dear Abby, My husband has a long record of money problems. He runs up huge credit-card bills and at the end of the month, if I try to pay them off, he shouts at me, saying I am stealing his money. He says pay the minimum and let our kids worry about the rest, but …

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Thai Food – Neung Kapow

My favorite Thai food is a dish called, “Neung Kapow.” This is a very common dish that can be found all throughout Thailand. The dish is made with beef, basil, oyster sauce, fish sauce, chili peppers and it is put on top of rice. The first place I ever had this dish was in Nakhon …

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Camp Zama, Japan – Building 101 Ducks

Every year on Camp Zama, Japan in building 101 there is a female duck who temporarily makes a Japanese garden her home while she lays her eggs and raises her babies. It is actually really smart because the Japanese garden is protected on 4 sides, so the only predators that the duck needs to be …

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Drunk Canadian

A drunk from Crinkle Cove, Newfoundland walks out of a bar with a key in his hand and he is stumbling Back and forth. A Mountie on the beat sees him and approaches, “Can I help you Sir?” “Yessh! Ssssomebody ssstole my carrr”, the Newfie replies. The Mountie asks, “Where was your car the last …

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The Sensitive Man

A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together. They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment. She notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears. There are three shelves in the bedroom, …

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Choosing a Wife

A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money. The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new makeup; buys several new …

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Smart Ass

Two young businessmen in Florida were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store in the shopping mall. As yet, the store wasn’t ready, with only a few shelves and display racks set up. One said to the other, “I’ll bet that any minute now some old person is going to walk by, …

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Hell Explained by a Chemistry Student on an Exam

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle’s Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following: First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is …

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Sipping Vodka

A new Priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the Monsignor how he had done. The Monsignor replied, “When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I …

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Prelude du Fornication

A Jumper

On January 9 a group of bikers were riding west on I-74 when they saw a girl about to jump off a bridge, so they stopped. The Harley leader, George a big burly man of 53, gets off his bike, walks through the gawkers, past the State Trooper, and says, “What are you doing?” “I’m …

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Two Irish Women

Two women were sitting next to each other at a bar. After a while, one looks at the other and says, ‘I can’t help but think, from listening to you, that you’re from Ireland .’ The other woman responds proudly, ‘Yes, I sure am!’ The first one says, ‘So am I! And where about in …

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Young King Arthur

Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur’s youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question.. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer …

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Mounted Policeman

This is nothing like the relationship between a man and his horse!

Sharpie Pens

There are few things more dangerous than a perverted electrician with a pen.

Motorcycle Gas Tank

The Butler

A wealthy couple prepared to go out for the evening. The woman of the house gave their butler, Jervis, the night off. She said they would return home very late, and she hoped he would enjoy his evening. The wife wasn’t having a good time at the party. So, she came home early, alone. Her …

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Rectum Stretcher

While she was ‘flying’ down the road yesterday, a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait. The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, ‘What’s your hurry?’ To …

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Poop Trucks Are Funny

Sydney Radio Competition

This got the whole of Sydney laughing. Read it and you’ll see why! Just imagine sitting in traffic on your way to work and hearing this. Many Sydney folks DID hear this on the FOX FM morning show in Sydney . The DJs play a game where they award winners great prizes.. The game is …

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2012 Social Security Stimulus Package

Just wanted to let you know – today I received my 2012 Social Security Stimulus Package. It contained two tomato seeds, cornbread mix, a prayer rug, a machine to blow smoke up my ass, 2 discount coupons to KFC, an “Obama Hope & Change” bumper sticker, and a “Blame it on Bush” poster for the …

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Cigarettes & Tampons

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles. The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge …

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Understanding Women

(A MAN’S PERSPECTIVE) I know I’m not going to understand women. I’ll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider.

Women’s Revenge

‘Cash, check or charge?’ I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse. ‘So, do you always carry your TV remote?’ I asked. ‘No,’ she replied, ‘but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and …

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Woman’s Perfect Breakfast

She’s sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.. Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box. Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week. Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl. And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.