Category: Humor

The Reverend John Fluff was the pastor in a small town in Ireland. One day he was walking down the high street when he noticed a young lady of his congregation sitting in a pub drinking beer.

The Reverend wasn’t happy! He walked through the open door of the pub and sat down next to the woman. ‘Miss Fitzgerald,’ he said sternly. ‘This is no place for a member of my congregation. Why don’t you let me take you home?’

‘Sure,’ she said with a slur, obviously very drunk. When Miss Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave back and forth. The Reverend realized that she’d had far too much to drink and grabbed her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled to the floor.

After rolling around for a few moments, the Reverend wound up on top of Miss Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist. The pub landlord looked over and said, ‘Oy mate, we won’t have any of that carrying on in this pub.

The Reverend looked up at the landlord and said, ‘But you don’t understand, I’m Pastor Fluff.’

The landlord nodded and said, ‘Ah well, if you’re that far in, ye might as well finish.’

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Boudreaux and Thibodeaux were looking at a Sears catalog and admiring the models. Boudreaux says to Thibodeaux, ‘Did you see de purty girls in dis catalog?’

Thibodeaux replies, ‘Yes, dey are vary beautiful. And look at de price!’ Boudreaux says, with wide eyes, ‘Wow, dey don’t cost much. At dis price, I’m gonna to buy one.’

Thibodeaux smiles and pats him on the back. ‘Good idee! Order one an if she’s as purty as she is in de catalog, I’m gonna get one too.’

Three weeks later, Thibodeaux asks Boudreaux, ‘Did you ever get de girl you ordered from the Sears catalog?’

Boudreaux replies, ‘No, but it shoudn’t be long now. I got her clothes yesterday!’

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A nun walks into Mother Superior’s office and plunks down into a chair; she lets out a sigh heavy with frustration. ‘

What troubles you, Sister?’ asked the Mother Superior, ‘I thought this was the day you spent with your family.’

‘It was,’ sighed the Sister, ‘and I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ.’

‘I seem to recall that,’ the Mother Superior agreed. ‘So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?’

‘Far from it,’ snorted the Sister. ‘In fact, I even took the Lord’s name in vain today!’

‘Goodness, Sister!’ gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. ‘You must tell me all about it!’

‘Well, we were on the fifth tee…and this hole is a monster, 540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg left and a hidden green…and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made. And it’s flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted‚Ķand it hits a bird in mid-flight not 100 yards off the tee!’

‘Oh my!’ commiserated the Mother. ‘How unfortunate! But surely that didn’t make you blaspheme, Sister!’

‘No, that wasn’t it,’ admitted Sister.

‘While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!’

‘Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!’ sympathized the Mother.

‘But I didn’t, Mother!’ sobbed the Sister. ‘And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!’

‘So that’s when you cursed,’ said the Mother with a knowing smile.

‘Nope, that wasn’t it either,’ cried the Sister, anguished, ‘because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!’

Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said…’You missed the fucking putt, didn’t you?

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An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%. The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, “Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.” The gentleman replied, “Oh, I haven”t told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I”ve changed my will three times!”

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1.) FINE: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

2.) FIVE MINUTES: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five Minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

3.) NOTHING: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

4.) GO AHEAD: This is dare, not permission. Don’t do it!!!

5.) LOUD SIGH: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.)

6.) THAT’S OKAY: This is one of the most dangerous statements a woman can make to a man. That’s okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

7.) THANKS: A woman is thanking you, do not questions, or faint. Just say you’re welcome.

8.) WHATEVER: This is a women’s way of saying F*@K YOU!

9.) DON’T WORRY ABOUT IT, I GOT IT: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking, “what’s wrong”, for the woman’s response refer to #3.

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Here is an actual sign posted at a golf club in Scottsdale, Arizona:

1. BACK STRAIGHT, KNEES BENT, FEET SHOULDER WIDTH APART.
2. FORM A LOOSE GRIP.
3. KEEP YOUR HEAD DOWN.
4. AVOID A QUICK BACK SWING.
5. STAY OUT OF THE WATER.
6. TRY NOT TO HIT ANYONE.
7. IF YOU ARE TAKING TOO LONG, LET OTHERS GO AHEAD OF YOU.
8. DON’T STAND DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF OTHERS.
9. QUIET PLEASE…WHILE OTHERS ARE PREPARING.
10. DON’T TAKE EXTRA STROKES.

WELL DONE. NOW, FLUSH THE URINAL, GO OUTSIDE, & TEE OFF!

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A drunk walks out of a bar with a key in his hand and he is stumbling back and forth. A cop on the beat sees him and approaches “Can I help you sir?”

“Yessh! Ssssomebody ssstole my carrr” the man replies.

The cop asks “Where was your car the last time you saw it”

“It wasss on the end of thisshh key” the man replies.

About that time the cop looks down and sees the man’s weiner hanging out of his fly for all the world to see.

He asks the man “Sir are you aware that you are exposing yourself?”

Momentarily confused, the drunk looks down at his crotch and without missing a beat, blurts out………”Holy crap! My girlfriend’s gone too!”

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Bobby Ray and Susie Jane were fooling around out in the cornfield when Bobby Ray said, “Oh Susie Jane, I am getting so horny, you just have to let me have some.”

Susie Jane said, “Well, maybe I will, but it is going to cost you a quarter.”

Bobby Ray dug down in his pocket and said, “Susie Jane, I only got ten cents, and you just have to let me do it for ten cents.”

Susie Jane said, “Ain’t no way I am goin to do it for no ten cents, I said a quarter.”

Bobby Ray said, “I tell you what Susie Jane, how about you just give me ten cents worth?”

Susie Jane said, “You must think I be crazy, cause you know you won’t stop when I say you got ten cents worth.

Bobby Ray said, “Oh Susie Jane, I promise, I promise I will stop when you say I got ten cents worth.”

So they get down between two rows of corn and start going at it.

After about a minute, Susie Jane said, “Bobby Ray, BOBBY RAY” and he said, “Oh Susie Jane, now don’t tell me I have got ten cents worth already”, and she said, “Bobby Ray, do you see that big cornstalk over there on your left side? And Bobby Ray said, “Uhuh.” And she said, “Bobby Ray, do you see that big cornstalk over there on your right side?” Bobby Ray said, “Uhuh.”

Susie May said, “BOBBY RAY, you better grab ahold of those two big cornstalks, cause I’m a fixin to loan you fifteen cents”.

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An elderly couple, Margaret and Bert, moved to Texas, 
Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home. 



Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and‚Ä® said to his wife, ‘Notice anything different about me?’‚Ä®‚Ä®

Margaret looked him over. ‘Nope.’‚Ä®‚Ä®

Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots. Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, notice anything different NOW?’‚Ä®‚Ä®

Margaret looked up and exclaimed, ‘Bert, what’s different? It’s hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it’ll be hanging down again tomorrow!’‚Ä®‚Ä®

Furious, Bert yelled, ‘AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT’S‚Ä® HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?’‚Ä® ‘Nope’, she replied. ‚Ä®‚Ä®

‘IT’S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT’S LOOKING AT MY NEW‚Ä® BOOTS!!!!’‚Ä®‚Ä®

Without changing her expression, Margaret replied, ‚Ä® ‘Shoulda bought a hat, Bert. Shoulda bought a hat.’

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John was a salesman’s delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmick. His wife Marsha has long ago given up trying to get him to change. One day, John came home about noon and told Marsha that he had gone to a nearby city and purchased a Robot. It was no ordinary robot, but it was in fact a Lie Detector. He said it had to charge 4 or 5 hours, and then he would show her how it worked.

At 5:30 that afternoon, Tommy, their 12 year old son, came in from school, nearly 2 hours and 15 minutes late. Both parents were understandably angry.

‘Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?’, they asked.

‘Oh a bunch of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project,’ said Tommy. The Robot walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.

‘Son, this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you went after school.’

‘Uh, we went to Bobby’s house and watched a movie.’

‘What did you watch?’, asked Marsha.

‘The Ten Commandments.’ The Robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair. With lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, ‘I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen.’

‘I’m ashamed of you Son,’ said John. ‘You know, when I was your age, I never lied to my parents, never tried to see dirty pictures much less dirty movies, told dirty jokes, nor did I misbehave.’ The robot walked around to John and delivered a blow that not only knocked him out of his chair, but out the back door and half way across the patio.

When he came back inside, Marsha was bent double laughing, almost in tears. ‘Boy, did you ever ask for that one! And you know, you can’t be too mad at Tommy—after all, He is your son!’ The Robot immediately walked around to Marsha, and literally slapped the tar out of her.

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