Category: Humor

Humor

Dusty Underwear

Dave

One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife “Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in Slim Fast. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!!” His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn’t let such a comment go unrewarded.

The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his
drawer. “What the Hell is this??” he said to himself as a little “dust” cloud appeared when he shook them out.

“April,” he hollered into the bathroom, “Why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?”
She replied with a snicker…”It’s not talcum powder……It’s ‘Miracle Grow’.”

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Humor

Buried at Sea

Dave

Bubbles and Barbie, two blonde sisters had promised their Uncle, who had been a seafaring gentleman all his life, to bury him at sea when he died. Of course, in due time, he did pass away and the two blondes kept their promise.

They set off from Clearwater Beach with their uncle all stitched up in a burial bag and loaded onto their rowboat. After a while Bubbles says, ‘Do you think we’re out far enough, Barbie?’ Barbie slipped over the side and finding the water only knee deep said, ‘nope, not yet Bubbles’.

So they row a little farther…. Again Bubbles asks Barbie, ‘Do you think were out far enough now? Once again Barbie slips over the side and almost immediately says, ‘No, this will never do, the water is only up to my chest.’

So on they row and row and row, and finally Barbie slips over the side and disappears. Quite a bit of time goes by and poor Bubbles is really getting worried when suddenly Barbie breaks the surface, gasping for breath she says, OK, it’s finally deep enough. Hand me the shovel.’

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Humor

Lil’ Johnny Strikes Again…

Dave

Teacher asks kindergarten students what kind of medicines they know and what they are used for.

First pupil: “Tylenol?”
Teacher: “Very good! And what is it used for?”
Pupil: “It is used for headaches”

Second pupil: “Nytol Teacher”
Teacher: “Excellent. And what it is used for?”
Pupil: “To help you sleep”

Now it is Johnny’s turn and he says: “Viagra”
Teacher, slightly shocked: “Johnny, What do you think is it used for?”
Johnny: “It can be used for diarrhea”
Teacher: “Who told you this?”
Johnny: “Nobody, but every evening my mother tells my father …”Take a Viagra, maybe that little shit will get harder.”

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Humor

Two Prostitutes – $50.00

Dave

Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car which read: ‘Two Prostitutes — $50.00.’

Suddenly a passing patrol officer spotted the sign displayed on the top of their car, stopped them, and warned them they’d either have to remove the sign or go to jail.

About that time, another car passed by, with a sign saying: ‘JESUS SAVES.’

One of the girls asked the officer, ‘How come you don’t stop them?!’

‘Well, that’s a little different, ‘The officer smiled…,’Their sign pertains to religion.’

So the two ladies of the night frowned, and taking down their sign drove off.

The following day found the same patrol officer, in the area when he noticed the same two ladies driving around with a large sign on their car again. Figuring he had an easy arrest, he began to catch up with them, when he noticed that there was now a new sign which read:

Two Fallen Angels Seeking Peter — $50.00

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Humor

How to Tell the Sex of a Fly

Dave

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

“What are you doing?” she asked.

“Hunting Flies” he responded.

“Oh. Killing any?” she asked.

“Yep, 3 males, 2 Females,” he replied.

Intrigued, she asked; “How can you tell them apart?”

He responded, “3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone.”

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Humor

After almost 60 years of marriage…

Dave

An elderly gent was invited to an old friends’ home for dinner one evening. He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms such as: Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc. The couple had been married almost 60 years and, clearly, they were still very much in love.

While the wife was in the kitchen, the man leaned over and said to his host, “I think it’s wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your wife those loving pet names.”

The old man hung his head. “I have to tell you the truth, “he said, “Her name slipped my mind about ten years ago and I’m scared to death to ask her what it is.”

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Humor

If Condoms Had Sponsors…

Dave

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Humor

Bear Removal

Dave

A man wakes up one morning to find a bear on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there’s an ad for ‘Bear Removers.’He calls the number, and the bear remover says he’ll be over in 30 minutes.The bear remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He’s got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull.

“What are you going to do,” the homeowner asks?

“I’m going to put this ladder up against the roof, then, I’m going to go up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van.”He hands the shotgun to the homeowner.

“What’s the shotgun for?” asks the homeowner.

“If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog.”

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Humor

Pond in the Back

Dave

An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple, and peach trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn’t been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, ‘we’re not coming out until you leave!’

The old man frowned, ‘I didn’t come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.’

Holding the bucket up he said, ‘I’m here to feed the alligator.’

Some old men can still think fast.

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Humor

Bullfrog

Dave

A woman went into a store to buy her husband a pet for his birthday. After looking around, she found that all the pets were very expensive. She told the clerk she wanted to buy a pet, but she didn’t want to spend a fortune.

‘Well,’ said the clerk, ‘I have a very large bullfrog. They say it’s been trained to give blowjobs!’

‘Blowjobs!’ the woman replied.

‘It hasn’t been proven but we’ve sold 30 of them this month,’ he said.

The woman thought it would be a great gag gift, and what if it’s true…no more blowjobs for her! She bought the frog.

When she explained froggy’s ability to her husband, he was extremely skeptical and laughed it off. The woman went to bed happy, thinking she may never need to perform this less than riveting act again.

In the middle of the night, she was awakened by the noise of pots and pans flying everywhere, making hellacious banging and crashing sounds. She ran downstairs to the kitchen, only to find her husband and the frog reading cookbooks.

‘What are you two doing at this hour?’ she asked. The husband replied, ‘If I can teach this frog to cook, your ass is gone.’

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Humor Thoughts

Why Parents Drink

Dave

A father passing by his son’s bedroom was astonished to see that His bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to ‘Dad.’ With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter.

Dear Dad:

It is with great regret and sorrow that I’m writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you. I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice. But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing, Tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it’s not only the passion..Dad she’s pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.

St acy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn’t really hurt anyone. We’ll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy.

In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it.

Don’t worry Dad. I’m 15 and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I’m sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren.

Love,

Your Son John

PS. Dad, none of the above is true. I’m over at Tommy’s house. I Just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than a report card That’s in my center desk drawer. I love you. Call me when it’s safe to come home.

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Humor

Your Hair Smells Good

Dave

Every day, a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady standing at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice.

After a week of this, she can’t stand it anymore, takes her complaint to a supervisor in the personnel department and states that she wants to file a sexual harassment grievance against him.

The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled by this decision and asks, “what’s sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?”

The woman replies, ‘It’s Keith, the midget.”

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Humor

State Fair

Dave

My wife and I went to the State Fair, and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls. We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said, “THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR”

My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs and said, ‘He mated 50 times last year.’ We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said, “THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR.”

My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, “That’s more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him.” We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters, “THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR.”

My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said, “That’s once a day. You could REALLY learn something from this one.” I looked at her and said, “Go over and ask him if it was with the same old cow.”

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Humor

The Battle of the Sexes: A Hilarious Take on Emotional and Financial Needs

Dave

I never quite figured out why the sexual urges of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their heads and women with their hearts.

FOR EXAMPLE:

One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, “I don’t feel like it; I just want you to hold me.”

I said, “WHAT??!! What was that?!”

So she says the words that every man on the planet dreads to hear…

“You’re just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.”

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, “Can’t you just love me for who I am and not for what I do for you in the bedroom?”

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day, I opted to take the day off work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn’t decide which one to take, so I told her we’d just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to complement her new clothes, so I said, “Let’s get a pair for each outfit.”

We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you… she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn’t even know how to play tennis.

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, “That’s fine, honey.” She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, “I think this is all, dear, let’s go to the cashier.”

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, “No honey, I don’t feel like it.”

Her face went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, “WHAT?”

I then said, “Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You’re just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.”

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, “Why can’t you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?”

Apparently, I’m not having sex tonight either… but at least now she knows I’m smarter than her.

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Humor

The Transformative Effects of Marriage on the Y-chromosome

Dave

The Transformative Effects of Marriage on the Y-chromosome.

Three women: one engaged, one married, and one a mistress, are chatting about their relationships and decide to amaze their men….that night all three will wear a leather bodice S&M style, stilettos and mask over their eyes .

After a few days they meet again…..The engaged girlfriend said: “The other night, when my boyfriend came back home, he found me in the leather bodice, 4” stilettos and mask. He said, “You are the woman of my life, I love you…then we made love all night long.”

The mistress stated: “Oh Yes! The other night we met in his office. I was wearing the leather bodice, mega stilettos, mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat, he didn’t say a word. We just had wild sex all night.”

The married one then said: “The other night I sent the kids to stay at my mother’s for the night, I got myself ready, leather bodice, super stilettos and mask over my eyes.

My husband came in from work, grabbed the TV controller and a beer, and said, “Hey Batman, what’s for dinner?”

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Humor

Tattooist Takes Fan’s Request Literally

Dave

A supporter of Australian Football team Geelong Cats wanting a permanent reminder of the team’s AFL triumph has been left by a tattoo saying his team were “Gay Premiers 2007”. In a celebratory trip to Thailand last week “Neville”, a dyed-in-the-wool Cats fan, had 15 cans of beer to ease the pain of the 5-¬¨Œ© hour experience.
rightarmyf0.jpg

He paid $150 for the privilege. And to ensure the Phuket tattooist got it right, he wrote down exactly what he wanted on his right and left arms, under the headings “right arm” and “left arm.” “I gave them a piece of paper and wrote down on the right arm, I wanted the new Geelong emblem they’ve got out now … and Day Premiers 2007.”

leftarmpx3.jpg
“And on the left arm side I wrote “left arm” and the two grandkids names and Night Premiers 2006″. The tattooist took him literally – almost. Now he has “right arm” written on his right arm, just above “Gay Premiers 2007” because the tattooist marked in “Gay” instead of “Day”.

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