Humor – Page 122 – The Kumachan

Morals

Dave 2008-09-29

I was a very happy man.

My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me…It was her beautiful younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two and gorgeous. One day her ‘little’ sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations.

She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn’t overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. Well, I was in total shock, and couldn’t say a word.

She said, “I’m going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.”

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

Low and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!

With tears in his eyes, my future father-in-law hugged me and said, “We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn’t ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.”

And the moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car.

Bacon Grease Warning, Please Read!

Dave 2008-09-27

The question is: Do you use bacon grease?
We were raised on bacon grease (lard) as kids and even into adulthood. I will never use it again. I hope you will throw yours away whenever you fry bacon from now on. It seems as though nothing is safe to eat anymore.

Cooking With Bacon Grease
I just threw out my last 2 tbsp of bacon grease! This is what happens when you keep cooking with bacon grease. This is a warning. It could happen to you…

Bacon grease will make your feet small! Warn everyone!

Motivational Posters #1

Dave 2008-09-26

Moments When It’s O.K. to Say, “Oh Shit!”

Dave 2008-09-25

Menopause Jewelry

Dave 2008-09-24

My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be able to monitor my moods. We’ve discovered that when I’m in a good mood, it turns green. When I’m in a bad mood, it leaves a big frickin red mark on his forehead. Maybe next time he’ll buy me a diamond. Dumb ass.

He Wore His Collar Backwards

Dave 2008-09-22

A little boy got on the city bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards. The little boy asked why he wore his collar backwards.
The man, who was a priest, said, “I am a Father.”
The little boy replied, “My Dad doesn’t wear his collar like that.”
The priest looked up from his book and answered, “I am the Father of many.”
The boy said‚ “My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn’t wear his collar that way.”
The priest, getting impatient, said‚ “I am the Father of hundreds” and went back to reading his book.
The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said, “Maybe you should use a condom and wear your pants backwards Instead of your collar.”

Cars

Dave 2008-09-18

3 Hillbillies

Dave 2008-09-17

Three Hillbillies are sitting on a porch shootin’ the breeze.
1st Hillbilly says: “My wife sure is stupid!…She bought an air conditioner. ”
2nd Hillbilly says: “Why is that stupid?”
1st Hillbilly says: “We ain’t got no ‘lectricity!”
2nd Hillbilly says: “That’s nothin’! My wife is so stupid, she bought one of them new fangled warshin ‘ machines!”
1st Hillbilly says: “Why is that so stupid?”
2nd Hillbilly says: “‘Cause we ain’t got no plummin’!”
3rd Hillbilly says: “That ain’t nuthin’! My wife is dumber than both yer wifes put together! I was going through her purse the other day lookin’ fer some change, and I found 6 condoms in thar.”
1st and 2nd Hillbillies say: “Well, what’s so dumb about that?”
3rd Hillbilly says: “She ain’t got no pecker.

Only a Mom Would Know

Dave 2008-09-16

One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me. I was maybe 2 1/2 years old and had just recovered from an accident. Someone had given me a little ‘tea set’ as a get-well gift and it was one of my favorite toys. Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought Daddy a little cup of ‘tea’, which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home..

My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was ‘just the cutest thing!’ My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watches him drink it up.

Then she says, (as only a mother would know… ‘Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?

Customs

Dave 2008-09-15

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, “Father, may I ask a favor?”

“Of course child. What may I do for you?”

“Well, I bought an expensive woman’s electronic hair dryer for my mother’s birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I’m afraid they’ll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?”

“I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.”

“With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.”

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her.

The official asked, “Father, do you have anything to declare?”

“From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.”

The official thought this answer strange, so asked, “And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?”

“I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is to date, unused.”

Roaring with laughter, the official said, “Go ahead, Father. Next!”

Politics: Together We Can Make it Happen

Dave 2008-09-11

There are two months until the General Election, an election that will decide the next President of the United States . The person elected will be the president of all Americans, not just the Democrats or the Republicans. It’s time that we all came together, Democrats and Republicans alike.

If you support the policies and character of John McCain, please drive with your headlights on during the day.

If you support Barack Obama, please drive with your headlights off at night. Together, we can make it happen.

Anger Management

Dave 2008-09-10

Sometimes when you are angry with someone, it helps to sit down and think about the problem.

50th Anniversary

Dave 2008-09-09

A man and his wife were celebrating 50 years together. Their three kids, all very successful, agreed to a Sunday dinner in their honor.

‘Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad,’ gushed son number one …. ‘Sorry I’m running late. I had an emergency at the hospital with a patient, you know how it is, and didn’t have time to get you a gift.’

‘Not to worry, ‘ said the father. ‘The important thing is that we’re all together today.’

Son number two arrived and announced, ‘You and Mom look great, Dad. I just flew in from Los Angeles between depositions a nd didn’t have time to shop for you.’

‘It’s nothing,’ said the father, ‘We’re glad you were able to come.’

Just then the daughter arrived, ‘Hello and happy anniversary! I’m sorry, but my boss is sending me out of town and I was really busy packing so I didn’t have time to get you anything.’

After they had finished dessert, the father said, ‘There’s something your mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long time. You see, we were very poor. Despite this, we were able to send each of you to college. Throughout the years your mother and I knew that we loved each other very much, but we just never found the time to get married.’

The three children gasped and all said, ‘You mean we’re bastards?’

‘Yep,’ said the father. ‘And cheap ones too.’

Buttercups and Golfballs

Dave 2008-09-06

Towards the end of the golf course, Dave hit his ball into the woods and found it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups. Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in the patch.

All of a sudden . . .POOF!! In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared. She said, “I’m Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups? Just for doing what you have done, you won’t have any butter for your popcorn for the rest of your life: better still, you won’t have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life…As a matter of fact, you’ll never have any butter for anything the rest of your life!” Then POOF! … She was gone!

After Dave recovered from the shock, he hollered for his friend, “Fred, where are you?” Fred yells back, “I’m over here in the pussy willows.”

Dave shouts back, “Don’t swing, Fred, for the love of god, don’t swing!”

A Cat Named Lucky

Dave 2008-09-03

Hallmark Writers

Dave 2008-09-01

Ever wondered what happens when Hallmark writers are having a bad day……..

My tire was thumping.
I thought it was flat
When I looked at the tire…
I noticed your cat.
Sorry!

Heard your wife left you,
How upset you must be.
But don’t fret about it.. .
She moved in with me.

Looking back over the years
that we’ve been together,
I can’t help but wonder…..
‘What the hell was I thinking?’

Congratulations on your wedding day!
Too bad no one likes your husband.

How could two people as beautiful as you
Have such an ugly baby?

I’ve always wanted to have
someone to hold,
someone to love.
After having met you ..
I’ve changed my mind.

I must admit, you brought Religion into my life.
I never believed in Hell until I met you.

As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am…
That you’re not here to ruin it for me.

Congratulations on your promotion.
Before you go…
Would you like to take this knife out of my back?
You’ll probably need it again.

Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!
(Available only in Tennessee , Kentucky & West Virginia)

Happy birthday! You look great for your age.
Almost Lifelike!

When we were together,
you always said you’d die for me.
Now that we’ve broken up,
I think it’s time you kept your promise.

We have been friends for a very long time ..
let’s say we stop?

I’m so miserable without you
it’s almost like you’re here.

Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.
Did you ever find out who the father was?

Urologist

Dave 2008-08-27

My internist referred me to a female urologist. I saw her yesterday and she is gorgeous. She’s beautiful and unbelievably sexy. She told me that I have to stop masturbating.

I asked her why and she said, “Because I’m trying to examine you…”

How To Recognize A Persian Cat

Dave 2008-08-26

You Finish?

Dave 2008-08-25

The Italian Lover, a virile middle aged Italian gentlemen named Guido was relaxing at his favorite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde woman. Things progressed to the point where he led her back to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he rattled her senseless.

After a pleasant interlude, he asked with a smile, “So, you finish?”

She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, “No.”

Surprised, Guido reached for her and the rattling resumed. This time she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion. The sex finally ended and, again, Guido smiled and asked, “You finish?”

Again, after a short pause, she returned his smile, cuddled closer to him and softly said, ‘No.’

Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied, Guido reached for the woman yet again. Using the last of his strength, he barely managed it, but they ended together screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets.

Exhausted, Guido fell onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looked into her eyes, smiled proudly and asked again, “You finish?”

Barely able to speak, the beautiful blonde whispered in his ear, “No, I Norwegian.”