Two fleas had an arrangement to meet every winter in Miami for a vacation. Last year when one flea gets to Miami, he”s shivering and shaking. The other flea asks him, “Why are you shaking so badly?” The first flea says, “I rode down here from New Jersey in the mustache of a guy on …
Category: Humor
500 dollars
A woman was walking down the street when she was approached by a man. The man said, “I want to have sex with you right now! I’ll drop 500 dollars on the ground at your feet and in the time it takes for you to pick it up I will screw you from behind and …
Plastic Garbage Bags
A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic garbage bags with her, one in each hand. There’s a hole in one of the bags, and every once in a while a $20 bill is flying out of it onto the pavement. Noticing this, a policeman stops her….”Ma’am, there are $20 bills …
Rectum Stretcher
While she was “flying” down the road yesterday, a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait. The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, “What’s your hurry?”To which …
8 Ways to Determine A Gay Guy
1. If you are over thirty and you have a washboard stomach, you are gay. It means you haven’t sucked back enough beer with the boys and have spent the rest of your free time doing sit-ups, aerobics, and doing the Oprah diet. 2. If you have a cat, you are a Flaaaaming homo. A …
Kids Say the Darndest Things
Jack (age 3) was watching his Mom breast-feeding his new baby sister. After a while he asked: “Mom why have you got two? Is one for hot and one for cold milk?” Melanie (age 5) asked her Granny how old she was. Granny replied she was so old she didn’t remember any more. Melanie said, …
Yearly visit to the Doctor
I went into my proctologist’s office for my first rectal exam. His new nurse, Elaine, took me to an examining room and told me to get undressed and have a seat until the doctor could see me. She said that he would only be a few minutes. After putting on the gown that she gave …
Christmas Stamps
A blonde goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards. She says to the clerk, “May I have 50 Christmas stamps? ” The clerk says, “What denomination? ” The blonde says, “Heaven help us. Has it come to this? Give me 6 Catholic, 12 Presbyterian, 10 Lutheran and 22 Baptists.” Related …
Birth Control Pills for Grandma
A doctor that had been seeing an 80-year-old woman for most of her life finally retired. At her next checkup, the new doctor told her to bring a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her. As the young doctor was looking through these, his eyes grew wide as he realized she …
If You’re Going to Live in the South, Know These Rules
1. That farm boy you see at the gas station did more work before breakfast than you do all week at the gym. 2. It”s called a “gravel road. ” No matter how slow you drive, you”re going to get dust on your Navigator. Drive it or get out of the way. 3. The red …
Military Wisdom
“A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what”s left of your unit.” – Army’s magazine of preventive maintenance.’, ‘ ————————————————————————– “Aim towards the Enemy.” – Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher ————————————————————————– “When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is …
A Christmas Story
Twas the night before Christmas–Old Santa was pissed.He cussed out the elves and threw down his list.Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks.I have a good mind to scrap the whole works! I’ve busted my ass for damn near a year,Instead of “Thanks Santa”–what do I hear?The old lady bitches cause I work late at night.The …
Too Little Info – Too Late
They enjoyed each other’s company very much and at the end of the evening. Sharon invited Jim to her place, where they quickly got involved in a very passionate and energetic session in bed together. Finally, tired and satisfied, they both lay back in the bed and snuggled up close to each other. After a …
Cowboys Don’t Like to be Bested
Three cowboys are sitting around a campfire, out on the lonesome prairie, each with the bravado for which cowboys are famous. A night of tall tales began. The first said, “I must be the meanest, toughest cowboy there is. Why, just the other day, a bull got loose in the corral and gored six men …
10 Things a Man Would Never Say
10. I think Barry Manilow is one cool mother.9. While I’m up, can I get you a beer?8. I think hairy butts are really sexy.7. Her tits are just too big.6. Sometimes I just want to be held.5. That chick on ”Murder, She Wrote” gives me a woody.4. Sure: I’d love to wear a condom.3. …
Navajo Elder’s Lunar Warning: NASA’s Untranslated Message to the Moon
When NASA was preparing for the Apollo Project, they took the astronauts to a Navajo reservation in Arizona for training. One day, a Navajo elder and his son came across the space crew walking among the rocks. The elder, who spoke only Navajo, asked a question. His son translated for the NASA people: “What are …
Wrong Approach
Two married buddies are out drinking one night, when one turns to the other, “you know, I don’t know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we’ve been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get into the driveway, shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my …
Job Interview
The local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so Gomer, who was not exactly the sharpest nail in the bucket, went in to apply for the job. “Ok,” the sheriff drawled, “Gomer, what is one and one?” “Eleven,” Gomer replied. The sheriff thought to himself, “That’s not what I meant, but he’s right.” So he …
Government Matchmaker
A young lady visited the government matchmaker for marriage & said, “I am looking for a spouse. Can you please help me find a suitable one?” The marriage officer said, “Your requirements, please.” ” Well, let me see…needs to be good-looking, polite, humorous, sporty, knowledgeable, good singing and dancing….willing to accompany me the whole day …
Your Age by Chocolate Math
Your age by chocolate math’, ‘Work this out as you read …Be sure you don”t read the bottom until you”ve worked it out!This is not one of those waste of time things, it”s fun. 1. First of all, pick the number of times a week that you would like to have chocolate(more than once but …
The Truth about Barbecuing
From the wonderful world of Toronto Canada comes this lovely joke called, “The TRUTH about Barbecuing”‘, ‘Barbecuing is the only type of cooking a real man will do. When a man declares he will BBQ the following chain of events is put into motion:1.) The woman goes to the store and buys everything. 2.) The …
The Day the Wind Exposed More Than Their Golf Skills
The Englishman’s wife steps up to the tee, and as she bends over to place her ball, a sudden gust of wind blows her skirt up—revealing she isn’t wearing any underwear. “Good God, woman! Why aren’t you wearing any knickers?” her husband demands. “Well, you don’t give me enough housekeeping money to afford any,” she …
26 Reasons Why Men Have 2 Dogs and Not 2 Wives:
1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you. 2. Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs. 3. If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don”t hate it. 4. Dogs don”t notice if you call them by another dog”s name. 5. Dogs like it if you leave a …
Chinese Sick Leave
Hung Chow called into work and says, “Hey, boss I no come work today, I really sick. Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come work.” The boss says, “You know Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her give me …
Few Short Stories of Stupid Events
Recently, when I went to McDonald”s I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets I asked for a half dozen nuggets. “We don”t have half dozen nuggets,” said the teenager at the counter. “You don”t?” I replied. “We only have six, nine, or twelve,” was …
Survivor Southern Style
Due to the popularity of the Survivor shows, several southern TV stations are joining together and are planning to do their own, entitled “Survivor: Southern Style.” The contestants will start in Alabama; travel over to Georgia and on to South Carolina.‚Äö From there they will head up to North Carolina and over to Tennessee. They …
New Tax Law
The only thing that the IRS has not yet taxed is the male penis. This is due to the fact that 40% of the time it is hanging around unemployed, 30% of the time it is hard up, 20% of the time it is pissed off and 10% of the time it is in the …
The Real Health Hazard? Reading Too Much
Fifteen days ago, I read that smoking can kill you; The next day I stopped smoking. Twelve days ago, I read that too much red meat can kill you; The next day I stopped eating red meat.. 8 days ago, I read that drinking can kill you; The next day I stopped drinking. Yesterday, I …
Toast of the Night
John O’Reilly hoisted his beer & said, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife!” That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night! He went home and told his wife, Mary, “I won the prize for the best toast of the …
IRS Genie
A modern day cowboy has spent many days crossing the Texas plains without water. His horse has already died of thirst. He”s crawling through the sand, certain that he has breathed his last breath, when all of a sudden; he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him. He crawls …
Government Job
A guy goes to the U.S. Post Office to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him, “Have you been in the service?” “Yes,” he says. “I was in Vietnam for three years”. The interviewer says, “That will give you extra points toward employment” and then asks, “Are you disabled in any way?” The guy …