Category: Humor
Divorce Lawyers
Crappy Day
Motivational Posters #10
Famous Quotes
America is the only country where a significant proportion of the population believes that professional wrestling is real, but the moon landing was faked.
~ David Letterman
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I’m not a paranoid, deranged millionaire. Dammit! I’m a billionaire.
~ Howard Hughes
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After the game, the King and the pawn go into the same box.
~ Italian proverb
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Men are like linoleum floors. Lay ’em right and you can walk all over them for thirty years.
~ Betsy Salkind
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The only reason that they say, ‘Women and children first’ is to test the strength of the lifeboats.
~ Jean Kerr
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I’ve been married to a communist and a fascist, and neither would take out the garbage.
~ Zsa Zsa Gabor
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You know you’re a redneck if your home has wheels and your car doesn’t.
~ Jeff Foxworthy
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When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.
~ Prince Philip
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A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing.
~ Emo Philips.
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Wood burns faster when you have to cut and chop it yourself.
~ Harrison Ford
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The best cure for sea sickness is to sit under a tree.
~ Spike Milligan
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Lawyers believe that a man is innocent until proven broke.
~ Robin Hall
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Kill one man and you’re a murderer, kill a million and you’re a conqueror.
~ Jean Rostand.
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Having more money doesn’t make you happier. I have 50 million dollars but I’m just as happy as when I had 48 million.
~ Arnold Schwarzenegger.
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We are here on earth to do good unto others. What the others are here for, I have no idea.
~ W.H. Auden
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In hotel rooms I worry. I can’t be the only guy who sits on the furniture naked.
~ Jonathan Katz
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If life were fair, Elvis would still be alive today and all the impersonators would be dead.
~ Johnny Carson
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I don’t believe in astrology. I am a Sagittarius and we’re very skeptical.
~ Arthur C. Clarke
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Hollywood must be the only place on earth where you can be fired by a man wearing a Hawaiian shirt and a baseball cap.
~ Steve Martin
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Home cooking. Where many a man thinks his wife is.
~ Jimmy Durante
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As I hurtled through space, one thought kept crossing my mind – every part of this rocket was supplied by the lowest bidder.
~ John Glenn
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If toast always lands butter-side down and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat?
~ Steven Wright
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America is so advanced that even the chairs are electric.
~ Doug Hamwell
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The first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone.
~ George Roberts
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If God had intended us to fly, he would have made it easier to get to the airport.
~ Jonathan Winters
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I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.
~ Robert Benchley
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Ad in a Vietnamese Newspaper
Why Some Men Have a Dog And No Wife:
1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.
2. Dogs don’t notice if you call them by another dog’s name.
3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.
4. A dog’s parents never visit.
5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
6. Dogs find you amusing when you’re drunk.
7. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.
8. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, “If I died, would you get another dog?”
9. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.
10. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.
11.. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don’t get mad. They just think it’s interesting.
12. If a dog leaves, it won’t take half of your stuff.
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Misuse of the Term Towel Heads
DEA Agent
A DEA Agent stopped at a ranch in Texas and talked to an old rancher. He told the rancher, “I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs.” The rancher said, “okay, but don’t go into that field over there…”, as he pointed out the location. The DEA Agent verbally exploded and said, “look mister, I have the authority of the federal government with me!” Reaching into his rear back pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher. “See this fucking badge?! This badge means I can go wherever I want… On any land! No questions asked, no answers given! Do you understand old man?!”
The rancher kindly nodded, apologized, and went about his chores. Moments later the rancher heard loud screams, he looked up and saw the DEA agent running for his life, being chased by the ranchers big Santa Gertrudis Bull…… With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it was likely that he’d sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified. The old rancher threw down his tools, ran as fast as he could to the fence, and yelled at the top of his lungs……
“Your Badge! Show him your fucking badge!”
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Budweiser Wisdom
Illegal Mexican Versus E.T.
What’s the difference between an illegal Mexican and E.T.? E.T. looked better, smelled better, learned English, didn’t claim benefits, had his own damn bike, and wanted to go home!
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Trip Away
The missus asked me, “When you’re on a boys only trip away, do you think about me?”…. Apparently “Only to stop myself from coming too quickly” wasn’t the right answer.
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Fortune Teller
I saw a fortune teller the other day. She told me I would come into some money. Last night I screwed a girl named “Penny.” Is that spooky or what?
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Coming or Going
My wife just came in and said, “I don’t know if I am coming or going.
”I said to her, “Judging by the look on your face, you’re going – ‘cus when you’re coming, you look like a Down Syndrome kid trying to whistle!”
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Sorry for not Calling
Sorry for not calling you on New Years, I just got out of jail. I got locked up for punching the heck out of this idiot at a party. In my defense…when you hear an Arab counting down from 10, your instincts kick in.
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Back Door
I was banging this nice Lady over her kitchen table when we heard the front door open.
She said, “It’s my husband! Quick, try the back door!”
Thinking back, I really should have ran – but you don’t get offers like that every day!
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Text Message
Got this text from my brother recently. It read. “Can I stay at your house for a while? The ol’ Lady kicked me out after she caught me measuring my dick….. It just reaches the back of her sister’s throat!”
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Robbed
A guy gets a call from the police telling him that his house was robbed. The offenders had also consumed all of his beer and had raped his wife. A moment of silence passes and the guy says, “I can’t believe they screwed my wife after only five beers!”
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Testicle Therapy
Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.
‘Please allow me to help. I’m a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you’d allow me, she told him.
‘Oh, no, I’ll be all right. I’ll be fine in a few minutes,’ the man replied..He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin.. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, ‘How does that feel’?
Feels great, he replied; but I still think my thumb’s broken!
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Male Logic
A wife asks her husband, “Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk and if they have avocados, get 6.”
A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.
The wife asks him, “Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?”
He replied, “They had avocados.”
If you’re a woman, I’m sure you’re going back to read it again! Men will get it the first time.