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Gary Coleman’s Casket
It even has his name on it!
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Girls With a Sexy Sense of Humor
Ads That Just Don’t Work Anymore
Brace yourself — the copy reads: Though she was a tiger lady, our hero didn’t have to fire a shot to floor her. After one look at his Mr. Leggs slacks, she was ready to have him walk all over her. That noble styling sure soothes the savage heart! If you’d like your own doll-to-doll carpeting, hunt up a pair of these he-man Mr. Leggs slacks. Such as our new automatic wash wear blend of 65% “Dacron” and 35% rayon-incomparably wrinkle-resistant. About $12.95 at plush-carpeted stores.
Part of it reads, “A GIFT OF PLEASURE My ____est — the spirit of Christmas-giving” is ______ in the land. A gift that represents that spirit, and brings pleasure to everyone, both great and small, is more ___________. Such a gift, my friends, is LUCKY STRIKE. “Santa Claus.”
Reads, “How soon is too soon? Not soon enough. Laboratory tests over the last few years have proven that babies who start drinking soda during the early formative period have a much higher chance of gaining acceptance and “fitting in” during those awkward pre-teen and teen years. So, do yourself a favor. Do your child a favor. Start them on a strict regimen of sodas and sugary carbonated beverages right now, for a lifetime of guaranteed happiness.”
Read the bottom line above….apparently we have a “T” zone. Why wasn’t this taught in health class?
Some excerpts from the ad above: It says- “this young man is 11 months old- and he isn’t our youngest customer by any means. For 7-Up is so pure, so wholesome, you can even give it to babies and feel good about it.
-By the way, Mom, when it comes to toddlers- if they like to be coaxed to drink their milk, try this: Add 7-Up to the milk in equal parts, pouring the 7-Up gently into the milk. It’s a wholesome combination- and it works!
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When the Media Rewrites the Story
A Harley biker is riding by the zoo in Washington , DC when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion’s cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the collar of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her under the eyes of her screaming parents.
The biker jumps off his Harley, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch.
Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly. A reporter has watched the whole event.
The reporter addressing the Harley rider says, ‘Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I’ve seen a man do in my whole life.’
The Harley rider replies, ‘Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger and acted as I felt right.’
The reporter says, ‘Well, I’ll make sure this won’t go unnoticed. I’m a journalist, you know, and tomorrow’s paper will have this story on the front page…So, what do you do for a living and what political affiliation do you have?’
The biker replies, ‘I’m a U.S. Marine and a Republican .’
The journalist leaves.
The following morning the biker buys the paper to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads, on the front page:
——————————————————————–
U.S. MARINE ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH
——————————————————————–
That pretty much sums up the media’s approach to the news these days.
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New Army “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” Uniform
Designed by Hans Wilkie…
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Where Whitey Went Wrong
Company Names
All of these are legitimate companies, who apparently didn’t spend quite enough time considering how their online name might appear.
These are not made up. While several have since been changed, incredibly some of the sites are still up and running under these URL’s. Check them out yourself!
1. ‘Who Represents’ is where you can find the name of the agent that represents any celebrity. Their Web site is:
www.whorepresents.com
2. ‘Experts Exchange’ is a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views at:
www.expertsexchange.com
3. Looking for a great pen? Look no further than ‘Pen Island.’ It can be found at:
www.penisland.net
4. Need a therapist? Try ‘Therapist Finder’ at:
www.therapistfinder.com
5. Then there’s the ‘Italian Power Generator’ company. Check it out at:
www.powergenitalia.com
6.’IP computer’ software, there’s always:
www.ipanywhere.com
7. And the designers at ‘Speed of Art’ await you at their wacky Web site:
www.speedofart.com
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Teachers & Cops:
These are actual comments made on students’ report cards by teachers in the New York City public school system. All teachers were reprimanded
1. Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.
2. I would not allow this student to breed.
3. Your child has delusions of adequacy.
4. Your son is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
5. Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
6. The student has a ‘full six-pack’ but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.
7. This child has been working with glue too much.
8. When your daughter’s IQ reaches 50, she should sell.
9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn’t coming..
10. If this student were any more stupid, he’d have to be watered twice a week.
11. It’s impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat out 1,000,000 others.
12. The wheel is turning but the hamster is definitely dead.
These are actual comments made by 16 Police Officers. The comments were taken off actual police car videos around the country:
1. “You know, stop lights don’t come any redder than the one you just went through.”
2. “Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they’re new. They’ll stretch after you wear them a while.”
3. “If you take your hands off the car, I’ll make your birth certificate a worthless document.”
4. “If you run, you’ll only go to jail tired.”
5. “Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that’s the speed of the bullet that’ll be chasing you.”
6. “You don’t know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?”
7. “Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don’t think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I’m the shift supervisor?”
8. “Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I’m warning you not to do that again or I’ll give you another ticket.”
9. “The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?”
10. “Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop.”
11. “Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven.”
12. “In God we trust; all others we run through NCIC.” (National Crime Information Center)
13. “Just how big were those ‘two beers’ you say you had?”
14. “No sir, we don’t have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we’re allowed to write as many tickets as we can.”
15. “I’m glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail.”
AND THE WINNER IS….
16. “You didn’t think we give pretty women tickets? You’re right, we don’t.. Sign here.”
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Womanese
Things We Should Probably Know, But Don’t
1. Money isn’t made out of paper, it’s made out of cotton.
2. The Declaration of Independence was written on hemp (marijuana) paper.
3. The dot over the letter i is called a ‘tittle’.
4. A raisin dropped in a glass of fresh champagne will bounce up and down continuously from the bottom of the glass to the top.
5. Susan Lucci is the daughter of Phyllis Diller.
6. 40% of McDonald’s profit come from the sales of Happy Meals.
7. 315 entries in Webster’s 1996 Dictionary were misspelled.
8. The ‘spot’ on 7UP comes from its inventor, who had red eyes. He was albino.
9. On average, 12 newborns will be given to the wrong parents, daily.
10. Warren Beatty and Shirley MacLaine are brother and sister.
11. Orcas (killer whales) kill sharks by torpedoing the shark’s stomach from underneath, causing the shark to explode.
12. Most lipstick contains fish scales.
13. Donald Duck comics were banned from Finland because he doesn’t wear pants.
14. Ketchup was sold in the 1830’s as a medicine.
15. Upper and lower-case letters are named ‘upper’ because in the time when all original print had to be set in letters, the ‘upper case’ letters were stored in the case on top of the case that stored the smaller, ‘lower case’ letters.
16. Leonardo Da Vinci could write with one hand and draw with the other at the same time.
17. Because metal was scarce, the Oscars given out during World War II were made of wood.
18. There are no clocks in Las Vegas gambling casinos..
19. The name Wendy was made up for the book Peter Pan; there was never a recorded Wendy before!
20. There are no words in the dictionary that rhyme with: orange, purple, or silver.
21. Leonardo Da Vinci invented scissors. Also, it took him 10 years to paint Mona Lisa’s lips.
22. A tiny amount of liquor on a scorpion will make it instantly go mad and sting itself to death.
23. The mask used by Michael Myers in the original ‘Halloween’ was a Captain Kirk mask painted white.
24. If you have three quarters, four dimes, and four pennies, you have $1.19. You also have the largest amount of money in coins without being able to make change for a dollar.
25. By raising your legs slowly and lying on your back, you can’t sink in quicksand.
26. The phrase ‘rule of thumb’ is derived from an old English law, which stated that you couldn’t beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb.
27. The first product Motorola started to develop was a record player for automobiles. At that time, the most known player on the market was the Victrola, so they called themselves Motorola.
28. Celery has negative calories! It takes more calories to digest a piece of celery than the celery has in it to begin with. It’s the same with apples.
29. Chewing gum while peeling onions will keep you from crying.
30. The glue on Israeli postage stamps is certified kosher.
31. The “Guinness Book of Records” holds the record for being the book most often stolen from public libraries.
32. Astronauts are not allowed to eat beans before they go into space because passing wind in a space suit is dangerous.
33. George Carlin said it best about Martha Stewart: “Boy, I feel a lot safer now that she’s behind bars. O.J. Simpson and Kobe Bryant are still walking around; Osama Bin Laden too, but they take the ONE woman in America willing to cook, clean, and work in the yard, and they haul her off to jail.”
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Motivational Posters #6
The Are Finally Together
Judy got married and had 13 children. Her first husband, Ted, died of cancer. She married again, and she & Bob had 7 more children. Bob was killed in a car accident, 12 years later. Judy again, remarried … and this time, she & John had 5 more children. Judy finally died, after having 25 children.
Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her. He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said, “Lord, they are finally together.” Ethel leaned over and quietly asked her best friend, Margaret:
“Do you think he means her first, second, or third husband?”
Margaret replied:….”I think he means her legs, Ethel..”
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Perspective
Two women are chatting in office
Woman 1: I had sex last night, did you?
Woman 2: Yes.
Woman 1: Was it good?
Woman 2: No, it was a disaster… my husband came home, ate his dinner in
three minutes, got on top of me, finished having sex in five minutes,
rolled over and fell asleep in two minutes. How was yours?
Woman 1: Oh it was amazing! My husband came home and took me out to a
romantic dinner. After dinner we walked for an hour. When we came
home he lit the candles around the house and we had an hour of foreplay. We
then had an hour long session of fantastic sex and afterwards talked for an hour. It was like a fairytale!
At the same time, their husbands are talking at work.
Husband 1: You wanted sex last night, how was it?
Husband 2: Great. I came home, dinner was on the table, I ate,
screwed my wife and fell asleep. It was great! What about you?
Husband 1: It was horrible. I came home, there’s no dinner because they cut the electricity because I hadn’t paid the bill; so I had to take my wife out to dinner which was so expensive that I didn’t have money left for a cab. We had to walk home which took an hour – and when we got home I remembered there was no electricity so I had to light f@8%king candles all over the house! I was so angry that I couldn’t get it up for an hour and then I couldn’t come for another hour. After I finally did, I was so aggravated that I couldn’t fall asleep and my wife was jabbering away for another hour!
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Involuntary Muscular Contractions
A professor at the Mississippi State Univ. was giving a lecture on ‘Involuntary Muscular Contractions’ to his first year medical students.
Realizing this was not the most riveting subject, the professor decided to lighten the mood slightly.
He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, ‘Do you know what your asshole is doing while you’re having an orgasm?’
She replied, ‘Probably turkey hunting with his buddies.’
It took 45 minutes to restore order in the classroom…
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Why I Love New Yorkers….
Tarzan Sex
When Jane initially met Tarzan of the jungle, she was attracted to him, and during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex.”Tarzan not know sex,” he replied.
Jane explained to him what sex was. Tarzan said, “Oh,…Tarzan use hole in trunk of tree.”
Horrified, she said, “Tarzan you have it all wrong,…but I will show you how to do it properly.” She took off her clothing and lay down on the ground. “Here” she said, “you must put it in here.” Tarzan removed his loincloth showing Jane his considerable manhood, stepped closer, and then gave her a mighty kick right in the crotch!
Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity. Eventually she managed to gasp for air and screamed: “What in the hell did you do that for?”
Tarzan replied, “check for squirrel.”
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In Memory of Paul Maidman
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New Truck
I bought a new Chevy Avalanche
And returned to the dealer yesterday
Because I couldn’t get the radio to work.
The salesman explained that the radio was voice activated.
‘Nelson,’ the salesman said to the radio.
The radio replied, ‘Ricky or Willie?’
‘Willie!’ he continued and ‘On The Road Again’
Came from the speakers.
Then he said, ‘Ray Charles!’, and in an instant
‘ Georgia On My Mind’ replaced Willie Nelson.
I drove away happy, and for the next few days,
Every time I’d say, ‘Beethoven,’
I’d get beautiful classical music, and if I said,
‘Beatles,’ I’d get one of their awesome songs.
Yesterday, some guy ran a red light
And nearly creamed my new truck,
But I swerved in time to avoid him.
I yelled, ‘Ass Hole!’
Immediately the radio responded with,
“Ladies and gentlemen,
The President of The
United States
Damn I love this truck…
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The Husband’s T-shirt
My wife was always after me to go shopping with her. Then I began wearing my favorite t-shirt. Now she doesn’t want me to go shopping with her anymore.
