Let’s Offend Everyone

– I had just come out of the shop with a meat and potato pie, large chips, mushy peas & a jumbo sausage roll. A poor homeless man sat there and said ‘I’ve not eaten for two days’ I told him ‘I wish I had your f**king will power’.

– I got fired on my first day as a male masseuse today. Apparently the instruction ‘finish off on her face’ didn’t mean what I thought it did.

– I took my Biology exam last Friday. I was asked to name two things commonly found in cells. Apparently “Blacks” and “Paki’s” was not the correct answer.

– A fat girl served me food in McDonald’s at lunch time. She said ‘sorry about the wait.’ I said ‘don’t worry fatty, you’re bound to lose it eventually ‘

– I walked past an abo kid sitting at a Bus Stop as I came out of the Bank. He looked at me and said ‘Any Change’ I said ‘Nope! You’re still Black’

– Snow in the forecast! The TV weather gal said she was expecting 8 inches tonight. I thought to myself “fat chance with a face like that!”

– An Irish boy stands crying at the side of the road. A man asks ‘What is wrong’?? The boy says ‘Me ma is dead’ ‘Oh bejaysus’ the man says ‘Do you want me to call Father O’Riley for you’?? The boy replies ‘No tanks mister, Sex is the last ting on my moind at the moment’.

– I have a new pick up line that works every time. It doesn’t matter how gorgeous or out of my league a woman might be, this line is a winner & I always end up in bed with them. Here’s how it goes ‘Excuse me love, could I ask your opinion? Does this damp cloth smell like chloroform to you?’

– Years ago it was suggested that an apple a day kept the doctor away. But since all the doctors are now Muslim, I’ve found that a bacon sandwich works best!

– Japanese scientists have now created a camera with such an immense shutter speed that it is now possible to take a photograph of a woman with her mouth closed.

– I hate all this terrorist business. I used to love the days when you could look at an unattended bag on a train or bus and think to yourself ‘I’m having that’

– Man in a hot air balloon is lost over Ireland. He looks down and sees a farmer in the fields and shouts to him ‘Where am I?’ The Irish farmer looks back up and shouts back ‘Ya canna kid me ya flash bastard. You’re in that feckin basket.’

– I had a Trivia competition shot to pieces until the last question which I got wrong. The question was “Where do women have the curliest hair”?? The answer I should have given was “Fiji”

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