Dave

I have been fortunate enough to travel the world. I enjoy sharing my thoughts, opinions, and experiences for everyone to see.

Author's posts

Jesus and the Democrat

A Republican, in a wheelchair, entered a restaurant one afternoon and asked the waitress for a cup of coffee. The Republican looked across the restaurant and asked, “Is that Jesus sitting over there?” The waitress nodded “yes,” so the Republican requested that she give Jesus a cup of coffee, on him. The next patron to …

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Hold Up

A guy walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun. He goes up to the nurse and demands her to open the sperm bank vault. She says, “But sir, its just a sperm bank!”, “I don’t care, open it now!!!” he replies. So she opens the door to the …

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Marriage Counseling

A married couple goes to a marriage counselor to work out some problems. The counselor sits them down and says “Let’s start by talking about what you both have in common.” The husband says, “Well for starters, neither one of us will suck a dick.”

The Penis Poem

Hillbilly Dream Catcher

Divorce Lawyers

Crappy Day

Motivational Posters #10

Famous Quotes

America is the only country where a significant proportion of the population believes that professional wrestling is real, but the moon landing was faked. ~ David Letterman ***** I’m not a paranoid, deranged millionaire. Dammit! I’m a billionaire. ~ Howard Hughes ***** After the game, the King and the pawn go into the same box. …

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Ad in a Vietnamese Newspaper

Why Some Men Have a Dog And No Wife:

1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you. 2. Dogs don’t notice if you call them by another dog’s name. 3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor. 4. A dog’s parents never visit. 5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your …

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Fiscal Debt

Political Correctness

DEA Agent

A DEA Agent stopped at a ranch in Texas and talked to an old rancher. He told the rancher, “I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs.” The rancher said, “okay, but don’t go into that field over there…”, as he pointed out the location. The DEA Agent verbally exploded and said, “look …

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Budweiser Wisdom

Illegal Mexican Versus E.T.

What’s the difference between an illegal Mexican and E.T.? E.T. looked better, smelled better, learned English, didn’t claim benefits, had his own damn bike, and wanted to go home!

Trip Away

The missus asked me, “When you’re on a boys only trip away, do you think about me?”…. Apparently “Only to stop myself from coming too quickly” wasn’t the right answer.

Fortune Teller

I saw a fortune teller the other day. She told me I would come into some money. Last night I screwed a girl named “Penny.” Is that spooky or what?

Coming or Going

My wife just came in and said, “I don’t know if I am coming or going. ”I said to her, “Judging by the look on your face, you’re going – ‘cus when you’re coming, you look like a Down Syndrome kid trying to whistle!”

Sorry for not Calling

Sorry for not calling you on New Years, I just got out of jail. I got locked up for punching the heck out of this idiot at a party. In my defense…when you hear an Arab counting down from 10, your instincts kick in.

Back Door

I was banging this nice Lady over her kitchen table when we heard the front door open. She said, “It’s my husband! Quick, try the back door!” Thinking back, I really should have ran – but you don’t get offers like that every day!

Text Message

Got this text from my brother recently. It read. “Can I stay at your house for a while? The ol’ Lady kicked me out after she caught me measuring my dick….. It just reaches the back of her sister’s throat!”

Robbed

A guy gets a call from the police telling him that his house was robbed. The offenders had also consumed all of his beer and had raped his wife. A moment of silence passes and the guy says, “I can’t believe they screwed my wife after only five beers!”

Testicle Therapy

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman …

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Male Logic

A wife asks her husband, “Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk and if they have avocados, get 6.” A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk. The wife asks him, “Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?” He replied, “They had avocados.” …

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Cowboy Tombstone

Here are the Five Rules for Men to Follow for a Happy Life that Russell J. Larsen had inscribed on his headstone in Logan , Utah . He died not knowing that he would win the “Coolest Headstone” contest. FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW FOR A HAPPY LIFE: 1. It’s important to have a …

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Bar Girls

Romantic Story

My wife, being the romantic sort, just sent me a text… If you are sleeping, send me your dreams If you are laughing, send me your smile If you are eating, send me a bite If you are drinking, send me a sip If you are crying, send me your tears I love you I …

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A Letter From Little Timmy To Santa

Dear Santa, How are you ?…How is Mrs. Claus ? I hope the reindeer and the elves are all doing fine. I have been a very good boy this year. I would like an X-Box 360 with Call of Duty IV and an iPhone 4 for Christmas. I hope you remember that come Christmas Day. …

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Temptation

A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane. After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, “Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?’ The rabbi responded, “Yes, that is still one of our laws.” The priest then asked, “Have you …

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Drink Responsibly

I would like to share a personal experience with my closest friends about drinking and driving. As you well know, some of us have been known to have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from an occasional social session over the years. A couple of nights ago, I was out for an …

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Buy a Vowel

The Computer Swallowed Grandma Poem

The computer swallowed Grandma, Yes, honestly it’s true! She pressed ‘control and ‘enter’ And disappeared from view. It devoured her completely, The thought just makes me squirm. She must have caught a virus Or been eaten by a worm. I’ve searched through the recycle bin And files of every kind; I’ve even used the Internet, …

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Where Did She Put the Case of Beer?

Today’s word is: Fluctuations

I was at my bank today; there was a short line. There was just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars. It was obvious she was a little irritated . . . She asked the teller, “Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla …

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How to Get Arrested

This actually happened with some guys from Maine . They dressed the truck up with the guy spread-eagled on the roof. The driver and passengers put on Moose heads. They went down the Maine interstate toll road, causing 16 accidents. And yes…they went to jail. And yes…alcohol was involved.

Sniffer

A man had just Boarded and settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his Black Labrador in the middle seat next to the man. The first man looked very quizzically at the dog and asked why the dog was allowed …

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Vote for Parent of the Year 2012

Horse Races

A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan. ‘What was that for?’ the man asked. The wife replied ‘That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket’. The man then said ‘When I …

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Motivational Posters #9

Medical News

Medical science has finally found the correct and most accurate way to measure blood pressure for men.

Advances in RT(RedneckTechnology)

Christmas Shopping

A couple was Christmas shopping on Christmas Eve and the whole place was heaving, packed with other last minute shoppers. Walking through the shopping centre the surprised wife looked up from a window display and noticed her husband was nowhere to be seen. She knew they had lots still to do and she became very …

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Sperm Count

An 85-year-old man was requested by his Doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, ‘Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.’ The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the do ctor’s office and gave him the jar, …

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Complete vs. Finished

It has been said that no English dictionary has been able to adequately explain the difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED. However, in a recent linguistic conference held in London , England , and attended by some of the best linguists in the world, Samsundar Balgobin, a Guyanese, was the clear winner. His final challenge was …

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Strong Coffee

An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his advice on reviving her husband’s libido. ‘What about trying Viagra?’ asked the doctor. ‘Not a chance’, she said… ‘He won’t even take an aspirin.’ ‘Not a problem,’ replied the doctor. ‘Give him an ‘Irish Viagra’… ‘What is Irish Viagra?’, she asked. It’s when …

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Matsumoto Castle, Japan

Went to Matsumoto castle today. This is a really cool castle because it lies in the heart of the city with a moat around it and from the castle you have a spectacular panoramic view of the city, the surrounding area, and the mountains. You can clearly understand why this location was chosen to put …

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Nagano, Japan

Stayed at the Island Hotel (2-15-8 Minamichitose, Nagano, Nagano Prefecture 380-0823), Nagano today and snapped a couple of photos from the window of the hotel. Here is what Nagano looks like from that perspective.

Takei Shrine – Nagano, Japan

Explored Nagano, Japan today and stopped and looked at the Takei Shrine. Here is the photo I took of it. The weather was cold and rainy.

A Pilot Father’s Tough Love

Since I’m a pilot, one method that I have found very effective is for me to just take the child for a short flight during which I say nothing and give the child the opportunity to reflect on his or her behavior. I don’t know whether it’s the steady vibration from the engines, or just …

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