Due to the global war on terrorism, many terrorist organizations have had their finances frozen. Consequently, they have resorted to counterfeiting. The Canadians have considered to redesign their currency to prevent the radical Muslims from even touching it. It is also hoped that this will have a positive effect on tourism.
Muslim terrorists have to kill themselves if they see a naked woman, it’s a win/win for everybody.
A nurse, who has done a lot of research about dieting, has given information about the various popular diets including Atkins, Jenny Craig, Weight Watchers, and the South Beach Diet. One diet about which you haven’t heard about previously, but which I insist works for almost everyone:
Mount Rushmore from the Canadian Side.
This one really touched my heart. Remember Father’s Day is Sunday June 21st.
“Dear God, this year please send clothes for all those poor ladies in my Daddy’s computer.” “Amen.”
As every Southerner knows, come spring it is time to get ready for that all-important cooking technique of the south — outdoor grilling!
I have just found out there are several stores (not just in the South) where you can get a FREE Bar-B-Q grill! You can get a free BBQ grill from any of the following stores:
A&P
Albertsons
Brookshire’s
Food Lion
Home Depot
Ingles
Big Lots
Lowes
Piggly Wiggly
Publix
Safeway
Sam’s Club
Target
Trader Joe’s
Wal-Mart
Winn-Dixie
Food Depot
K-Mart
B J’s
Walgreen’s
Rite Aid
Food World
Bruno’s
CVS
Kroger
I especially like the higher rack — which can be used for keeping things warm! Just make sure to get a metal one… the plastic ones don’t do so well. Y’all enjoy now!
To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in Downtown Savannah night before last.
Date: 2009-05-27, 1 :43 a.m. E.S.T.
I was the guy wearing the black Burberry jacke t that you demanded that I hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend, threatening our lives. You also asked for my girlfriend’s purse and earrings. I can only hope that you somehow come across this rather important message.
First, I’d like to apologize for your embarrassment; I didn’t expect you to actually crap in your pants when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket.. The evening was not that cold, and I was wearing the jacket for a reason.. My girlfriend had just bought me that Kimber Model 1911 .45 ACP pistol for my birthday, and we had picked up a shoulder holster for it that very evening. Obviously you agree that it is a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head … Isn’t it?!
I know it probably wasn’t fun walking back to wherever you’d come from with that brown sludge in your pants. I’m sure it was even worse walking bare-footed since I made you leave your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me. [That prevented you from calling or running to your buddies to come help mug us again].
After I called your mother or “Momma” as you had her listed in your cell, I explained the entire episode of what you’d done. Then I went and filled up my gas tank as well as those of four other people in the gas station, — on your credit card. The guy with the big motor home took 150 gallons and was extremely grateful!
I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside Vinnie Van Go Go’s, along with all the cash in your wallet. [That made his day!]
I then threw your wallet into the big pink “pimp mobile” that was parked at the curb …. After I broke the windshield and side window and keyed the entire driver’s side of the car.
Later, I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell phone. Ma Bell just now shut down the line, although I only used the phone for a little over a day now, so what ‘s going on with that? Earlier, I managed to get in two threatening phone calls to the DA’s office and one to the FBI, while mentioning President Obama as my possible target.
The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a nice long chat (I guess while he traced your number etc..).
In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not killing you … But I feel this type of retribution is a far more appropriate punishment for your threatened crime. I wish you well as you try to sort through some of these rather immediate pressing issues, and can only hope that you have the opportunity to reflect upon, and perhaps reconsider, the career path you’ve chosen to pursue in life. Remember, next time you might not be so lucky.Have a good day!
Thoughtfully yours,
Alex
He did not intend to bow to the Saudi King.
At the end of the tax year the IRS sent an inspector to audit the books of a synagogue.
While he was checking the books, he turned to the Rabbi and said, “I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?”
“Good question,” noted the Rabbi. “We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles”
“Oh,” replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way:
“What about all these matzo (bread) purchases? What do you do with the
crumbs?”
“Ah, yes,” replied the Rabbi, realizing that the inspector was trying to
trap him with an unanswerable question. “We collect them and send back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send a free box of matzo balls.”
“I see,” replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the
know-it-all Rabbi. “Well, Rabbi,” he went on, “What do you do with all the
leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?”
“Here, too, we do not waste,” answered the Rabbi. “What we do is save up all the foreskins and send them to the Internal Revenue Service, and about once a year they send us a complete dick.”
A man left his cat with his brother while he went on vacation for a week. When he came back, the man called his brother to see when he could pick the cat up. The brother hesitated, then said, “I’m so sorry, but while you were away, the cat died.”
The man was very upset and yelled, ”You know, you could have broken the news to me better than that. When I called today, you could have said he was on the roof and wouldn’t come down. Then when I called the next day, you could have said that he had fallen off and the vet was working on patching him up. Then when I called the third day, you could have said he had passed away.” The brother thought about it and apologized.
“So how’s Mom?” asked the man.
“She’s on the roof and won’t come down.”
A lady was telling her neighbor that she saw a man driving a pick-up truck down the interstate, and a dog was hanging onto the tail gate for dear life! She said if the pick-up truck driver hadn’t been going so fast in the other direction, she would have tried to stop him. A few weeks later, her neighbor saw this truck at the Bass Pro Shop. The pick-up truck driver is a local taxidermist with a great sense of humor! And it is not a dog it is a coyote.
First Affair
A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep
and woke up at 8 PM. The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt. He put on his shoes and drove home.
“Where have you been?” his wife demanded.
“I can’t lie to you,” he replied, “I’m having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon.”
She looked down at his shoes and said: “You lying bastard! You’ve been playing golf!”
The 2nd Affair
A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.
He told his wife: “There’s no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?”
The wife smiled sweetly and replied: “No, not this time!”
The 3rd Affair
A mortician was working late one night. He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery. Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen!
“I’m sorry Mr.. Schwartz,” the mortician commented, “I can’t allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity.” So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home.
“I have something to show you won’t believe,” he said to his wife, opening his briefcase.
“My God!” the wife exclaimed, “Schwartz is dead!”
The 4th Affair
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.
“Hurry,” she said, “stand in the corner.”
She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder.
“Don’t move until I tell you,” she said. “Pretend you’re a statue.”
“What’s this?” the husband inquired as he entered the room.
“Oh it’s a statue,” she replied.
“The Smiths bought one and I liked it so I got one for us, too.”
No more was said, not even when they went to bed. Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned! with a sandwich and a beer.
“Here,” he said to the statue, have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smiths and nobody offered me a damned thing.”
The 5th Affair
A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.
“Certainly, Sir, that’ll be one cent.”
“One Cent?” the man exclaimed.
He glanced at the menu and asked: “How much for a nice juicy steak
and a bottle of wine?”
“A nickel,” the barman replied.
“A nickel?” exclaimed the man.
“Where’s the guy who owns this place?”
The bartender replied: “Upstairs, with my wife.”
The man asked: “What’s he doing upstairs with your wife?”
The bartender replied: “The same thing I’m doing to his business down here.”
The 6th Affair
Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.
He looked up and said weakly: “I have something I must confess.”
“There’s no need to, “his wife replied.
“No,” he insisted,
“I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!”
“I know,” she replied. “Now just rest and let the poison work.”
So after landing my new job as a Wal-Mart greeter, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day…… About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids, Yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.
As I had been instructed, I said pleasantly, ‘Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?’
The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, ‘Hell no, they ain’t twins. The oldest one’s 9, and the other one’s 7. Why the hell would you think they’re twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?’
So I replied, ‘I’m neither blind nor stupid, Ma’am, I just couldn’t believe someone slept with you twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.’ My supervisor said I probably wasn’t cut out for this line of work.
Grandma and Grandpa were visiting their kids overnight.
When Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his son’s medicine cabinet, he asked about using one of the pills.
The son said, “I don’t think you should take one Dad; they’re very strong and very expensive.”
“How much?” asked Grandpa.
“$10.00 a pill,” Answered the son.
“I don’t care,” said Grandpa, “I’d still like to try one, and before we leave in the morning, I’ll put the money under the pillow.”
Later the next morning, the son found $110 under the pillow. He called Grandpa and said, “I told you each pill was $10, not $110.
“I know,” said Grandpa. “The hundred is from Grandma!”
Last week was my birthday and I didn’t feel very well waking up on that morning.
I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, ‘Happy Birthday!’, and possibly have a small present for me. As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone ‘ Happy Birthday.’
I thought… Well, that’s marriage for you, but the kids… they will remember. My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn’t say a word. So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.
As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said, ‘Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday !’ It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.
I worked until one o’clock , when Jane knocked on my door and said, ‘You know, It’s such a beautiful day outside, and it is your Birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me.’ I said, ‘Thanks, Jane, that’s the greatest thing I’ve heard all day. Let’s go !’
We went to lunch. But we didn’t go where we normally would go.. She chose instead at a quiet bistro with a private table. We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.
On the way back to the office, Jane said, ‘You know, It’s such a beautiful day… We don’t need to go straight back to the office, do We?’
I responded, ‘I guess not. What do you have in mind ?’ She said, ‘Let’s drop by my apartment, it’s just around the corner.’
After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said, ‘Boss, if you don’t mind, I’m going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I’ll be right back.’
‘Ok.’ I nervously replied.
She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake … followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing ‘Happy Birthday’.
And I just sat there….
On the couch…
Naked.
Sometimes you can reach too far! And when you find yourself over-extended and you’re stuck in a situation that you can’t get out of, there is one thing you should always remember…….
Not everyone who shows up……Is there to help you!
We went hunting over the three day weekend and killed these two plus three smaller ones. I can’t remember how many shots it took, but it was a lot!
Can you believe it? This guy wins 181 million in the lottery on a Wednesday, and then finds the love of his life just 2 days later. Talk about luck!
