Category: Humor
A Real Man’s Grill
Free to a Good Home
* Free to good home.
* Excellent guard dog.
* Owner cannot afford to feed him anymore, as there are no more thieves, murderers, or molesters left in the neighborhood for him to eat.
* Most of them knew him as “Holy Shit.”
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Golfing Nun Cursed
A nun walks into Mother Superior’s office and plunks down into a chair; she lets out a sigh heavy with frustration. ‘
What troubles you, Sister?’ asked the Mother Superior, ‘I thought this was the day you spent with your family.’
‘It was,’ sighed the Sister, ‘and I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ.’
‘I seem to recall that,’ the Mother Superior agreed. ‘So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?’
‘Far from it,’ snorted the Sister. ‘In fact, I even took the Lord’s name in vain today!’
‘Goodness, Sister!’ gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. ‘You must tell me all about it!’
‘Well, we were on the fifth tee…and this hole is a monster, 540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg left and a hidden green…and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made. And it’s flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted‚Ķand it hits a bird in mid-flight not 100 yards off the tee!’
‘Oh my!’ commiserated the Mother. ‘How unfortunate! But surely that didn’t make you blaspheme, Sister!’
‘No, that wasn’t it,’ admitted Sister.
‘While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!’
‘Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!’ sympathized the Mother.
‘But I didn’t, Mother!’ sobbed the Sister. ‘And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!’
‘So that’s when you cursed,’ said the Mother with a knowing smile.
‘Nope, that wasn’t it either,’ cried the Sister, anguished, ‘because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!’
Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said…’You missed the fucking putt, didn’t you?
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Hearing Problems
An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%. The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, “Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.” The gentleman replied, “Oh, I haven”t told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I”ve changed my will three times!”
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Words Women Use:
1.) FINE: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
2.) FIVE MINUTES: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five Minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
3.) NOTHING: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.
4.) GO AHEAD: This is dare, not permission. Don’t do it!!!
5.) LOUD SIGH: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.)
6.) THAT’S OKAY: This is one of the most dangerous statements a woman can make to a man. That’s okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
7.) THANKS: A woman is thanking you, do not questions, or faint. Just say you’re welcome.
8.) WHATEVER: This is a women’s way of saying F*@K YOU!
9.) DON’T WORRY ABOUT IT, I GOT IT: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking, “what’s wrong”, for the woman’s response refer to #3.
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Golf Sign in Arizona
Here is an actual sign posted at a golf club in Scottsdale, Arizona:
1. BACK STRAIGHT, KNEES BENT, FEET SHOULDER WIDTH APART.
2. FORM A LOOSE GRIP.
3. KEEP YOUR HEAD DOWN.
4. AVOID A QUICK BACK SWING.
5. STAY OUT OF THE WATER.
6. TRY NOT TO HIT ANYONE.
7. IF YOU ARE TAKING TOO LONG, LET OTHERS GO AHEAD OF YOU.
8. DON’T STAND DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF OTHERS.
9. QUIET PLEASE…WHILE OTHERS ARE PREPARING.
10. DON’T TAKE EXTRA STROKES.
WELL DONE. NOW, FLUSH THE URINAL, GO OUTSIDE, & TEE OFF!
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This is One Pissed Off Cat
Drunk Walks Out of a Bar
A drunk walks out of a bar with a key in his hand and he is stumbling back and forth. A cop on the beat sees him and approaches “Can I help you sir?”
“Yessh! Ssssomebody ssstole my carrr” the man replies.
The cop asks “Where was your car the last time you saw it”
“It wasss on the end of thisshh key” the man replies.
About that time the cop looks down and sees the man’s weiner hanging out of his fly for all the world to see.
He asks the man “Sir are you aware that you are exposing yourself?”
Momentarily confused, the drunk looks down at his crotch and without missing a beat, blurts out………”Holy crap! My girlfriend’s gone too!”
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New Wiper Blades
I got a new set of wiper blades on my car. I think they might be too long because they hang over the edges a little, but I don’t care, they work great. I would have to say that they are the only blades I have ever had that I actually like to watch. It’s hard to keep my eyes on the road sometimes. Call me crazy, but lately I have been driving around non-stop with them on. I’ve even been pulled over and the cop asked to go for a ride so he could watch them work. They were outrageously expensive, but safety is my main concern and like I said, they work great.
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Bobby Ray and Susie May Getting Down
Bobby Ray and Susie Jane were fooling around out in the cornfield when Bobby Ray said, “Oh Susie Jane, I am getting so horny, you just have to let me have some.”
Susie Jane said, “Well, maybe I will, but it is going to cost you a quarter.”
Bobby Ray dug down in his pocket and said, “Susie Jane, I only got ten cents, and you just have to let me do it for ten cents.”
Susie Jane said, “Ain’t no way I am goin to do it for no ten cents, I said a quarter.”
Bobby Ray said, “I tell you what Susie Jane, how about you just give me ten cents worth?”
Susie Jane said, “You must think I be crazy, cause you know you won’t stop when I say you got ten cents worth.
Bobby Ray said, “Oh Susie Jane, I promise, I promise I will stop when you say I got ten cents worth.”
So they get down between two rows of corn and start going at it.
After about a minute, Susie Jane said, “Bobby Ray, BOBBY RAY” and he said, “Oh Susie Jane, now don’t tell me I have got ten cents worth already”, and she said, “Bobby Ray, do you see that big cornstalk over there on your left side? And Bobby Ray said, “Uhuh.” And she said, “Bobby Ray, do you see that big cornstalk over there on your right side?” Bobby Ray said, “Uhuh.”
Susie May said, “BOBBY RAY, you better grab ahold of those two big cornstalks, cause I’m a fixin to loan you fifteen cents”.
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New Cowboy Boots
An elderly couple, Margaret and Bert, moved to Texas, 
Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home. 


Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and‚Ä® said to his wife, ‘Notice anything different about me?’‚Ä®‚Ä®
Margaret looked him over. ‘Nope.’‚Ä®‚Ä®
Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots. Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, notice anything different NOW?’‚Ä®‚Ä®
Margaret looked up and exclaimed, ‘Bert, what’s different? It’s hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it’ll be hanging down again tomorrow!’‚Ä®‚Ä®
Furious, Bert yelled, ‘AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT’S‚Ä® HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?’‚Ä® ‘Nope’, she replied. ‚Ä®‚Ä®
‘IT’S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT’S LOOKING AT MY NEW‚Ä® BOOTS!!!!’‚Ä®‚Ä®
Without changing her expression, Margaret replied, ‚Ä® ‘Shoulda bought a hat, Bert. Shoulda bought a hat.’
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Sometimes it’s Better to Have a Small One!
Robot Lie Detector
John was a salesman’s delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmick. His wife Marsha has long ago given up trying to get him to change. One day, John came home about noon and told Marsha that he had gone to a nearby city and purchased a Robot. It was no ordinary robot, but it was in fact a Lie Detector. He said it had to charge 4 or 5 hours, and then he would show her how it worked.
At 5:30 that afternoon, Tommy, their 12 year old son, came in from school, nearly 2 hours and 15 minutes late. Both parents were understandably angry.
‘Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?’, they asked.
‘Oh a bunch of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project,’ said Tommy. The Robot walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.
‘Son, this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you went after school.’
‘Uh, we went to Bobby’s house and watched a movie.’
‘What did you watch?’, asked Marsha.
‘The Ten Commandments.’ The Robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair. With lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, ‘I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen.’
‘I’m ashamed of you Son,’ said John. ‘You know, when I was your age, I never lied to my parents, never tried to see dirty pictures much less dirty movies, told dirty jokes, nor did I misbehave.’ The robot walked around to John and delivered a blow that not only knocked him out of his chair, but out the back door and half way across the patio.
When he came back inside, Marsha was bent double laughing, almost in tears. ‘Boy, did you ever ask for that one! And you know, you can’t be too mad at Tommy—after all, He is your son!’ The Robot immediately walked around to Marsha, and literally slapped the tar out of her.
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Evolution of the Television
Dusty Underwear
One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife “Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in Slim Fast. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!!” His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn’t let such a comment go unrewarded.
The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his
drawer. “What the Hell is this??” he said to himself as a little “dust” cloud appeared when he shook them out.
“April,” he hollered into the bathroom, “Why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?”
She replied with a snicker…”It’s not talcum powder……It’s ‘Miracle Grow’.”
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Buried at Sea
Bubbles and Barbie, two blonde sisters had promised their Uncle, who had been a seafaring gentleman all his life, to bury him at sea when he died. Of course, in due time, he did pass away and the two blondes kept their promise.
They set off from Clearwater Beach with their uncle all stitched up in a burial bag and loaded onto their rowboat. After a while Bubbles says, ‘Do you think we’re out far enough, Barbie?’ Barbie slipped over the side and finding the water only knee deep said, ‘nope, not yet Bubbles’.
So they row a little farther…. Again Bubbles asks Barbie, ‘Do you think were out far enough now? Once again Barbie slips over the side and almost immediately says, ‘No, this will never do, the water is only up to my chest.’
So on they row and row and row, and finally Barbie slips over the side and disappears. Quite a bit of time goes by and poor Bubbles is really getting worried when suddenly Barbie breaks the surface, gasping for breath she says, OK, it’s finally deep enough. Hand me the shovel.’
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Lil’ Johnny Strikes Again…
Teacher asks kindergarten students what kind of medicines they know and what they are used for.
First pupil: “Tylenol?”
Teacher: “Very good! And what is it used for?”
Pupil: “It is used for headaches”
Second pupil: “Nytol Teacher”
Teacher: “Excellent. And what it is used for?”
Pupil: “To help you sleep”
Now it is Johnny’s turn and he says: “Viagra”
Teacher, slightly shocked: “Johnny, What do you think is it used for?”
Johnny: “It can be used for diarrhea”
Teacher: “Who told you this?”
Johnny: “Nobody, but every evening my mother tells my father …”Take a Viagra, maybe that little shit will get harder.”
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Two Prostitutes – $50.00
Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car which read: ‘Two Prostitutes — $50.00.’
Suddenly a passing patrol officer spotted the sign displayed on the top of their car, stopped them, and warned them they’d either have to remove the sign or go to jail.
About that time, another car passed by, with a sign saying: ‘JESUS SAVES.’
One of the girls asked the officer, ‘How come you don’t stop them?!’
‘Well, that’s a little different, ‘The officer smiled…,’Their sign pertains to religion.’
So the two ladies of the night frowned, and taking down their sign drove off.
The following day found the same patrol officer, in the area when he noticed the same two ladies driving around with a large sign on their car again. Figuring he had an easy arrest, he began to catch up with them, when he noticed that there was now a new sign which read:
Two Fallen Angels Seeking Peter — $50.00
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How to Tell the Sex of a Fly
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.
“What are you doing?” she asked.
“Hunting Flies” he responded.
“Oh. Killing any?” she asked.
“Yep, 3 males, 2 Females,” he replied.
Intrigued, she asked; “How can you tell them apart?”
He responded, “3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone.”