Explicit Language Warning.
Category: Humor
Ice Cream Parlor
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool… After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split. The waitress asked kindly, ‘Crushed nuts?’ ‘No,’ he replied, ‘Arthritis.’
Follow the Doctor’s Advice
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, ‘You’re really doing great, aren’t you?’ Morris replied, ‘Just doing …
State of the Art Hearing Aid
A man was telling his neighbor, “I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it’s state of the art. It’s perfect.” “Really,” answered the neighbor. “What kind is it?” “Twelve thirty.”
Why Are You Getting Married?
A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy: “So I hear you’re getting married?” “Yep!” “Do I know her?” “Nope!” “This woman, is she good looking?” “Not really.” “Is she a good cook?” “Nah, she can’t cook too well.” “Does she have lots of money?” “Nope! Poor as a church mouse.” “Well, then, is …
Kangaroo Porn
Don’t you hate it when you are at the zoo and animals start humping? I don’t know what kind of freaky stuff kangaroos are into, but these kangaroos are going at it with a lookie-loo watching.
Hospital Regulations
Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn’t need my help to leave the hospital. After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me …
What’s the Name of That Restaurant
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple’s house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, ‘Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great I would recommend it very highly.’ The other man said, ‘What …
Write it Down
Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a check-up, the doctor tells them that they’re physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember…Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair “Want anything while I’m in the kitchen?” he …
The Haircut
One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, “I cannot accept money from you, I’m doing community service this week.” The florist was pleased and left the shop. When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there …
The Duck and the Lawyer
A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural North Dakota. He shot a bird, but it fell into farmer’s field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, “I shot …
Technology Will be the Death of Us
Hi, George. This is Richard, next door. I’ve a confession to make. I’ve been riddled with guilt for a few months and have been trying to get up the courage to tell you face-to-face. At least I’m telling you in this text. I can’t live with myself a minute longer without your knowing about this. …
Thursday’s Weather Forecast
Mother Nature is selling a heat wave…for one day only.