Category: Thoughts

When You’re Over 60, Who Cares?

Cowboy: “Give me 3 packets of condoms, please.” Cashier: “Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?” Cowboy: “Nah.. She’s purty good lookin’…..” When you are over sixty, who cares? *********** I was talking to a girl in the bar last night. She said, “If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and …

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The Positive Side of Life

Famous Beer Quotes

“Long ago, when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today it’s called golf.” -Will Rogers Sometimes, after playing golf, I reflect on all the beer I drink, I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes …

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What Love Looks Like

Daily Factoids

Dose of daily factoids.

Nine Important Facts To Remember As We Grow Older

#9. Death is the number 1 killer in the world. #8. Life is sexually transmitted. #7. Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die. #6. Men have 2 motivations: hunger and sex, and they can’t tell them apart. If you see a gleam in his eyes, make him a sandwich. …

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2016 United States Presidential Race Views

I’m an American trying to do my due diligence by paying attention to the political race that has been going on and when I look at the candidates this is what I see. Please be mindful that it is early and I haven’t had all the time in the world to research every candidate out …

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Best Insurance Story of the Year

This actually took place in Charlotte, North Carolina. A lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against, among other things, fire. Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars, the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the lawyer stated the …

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Do Not Smack a Cop’s Horse

Be advised that it may be in your best interest to not smack a cop’s horse.

Success

Growing up is a weird notion to wrap your mind around. As you go through life, your perspectives on almost everything will change. How you define success will change as well. Things that you thought were important at the age of 35 will be useless when you’re 65. You may not realize it now, but …

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Political Correctness

For the last six odd years, almost all of the things I wanted to write or say, have been stymied by that modern term referred to as ‘POLITICAL CORRECTNESS’.. Although I consider myself reasonably fluent in English, that term was not in my vocabulary. Curiosity got the better of me so I decided to do …

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The Coyote Principle

CALIFORNIA – The Governor of California is jogging with his dog along a nature trail. A coyote jumps out and attacks the Governor’s dog, then bites the Governor. -The Governor starts to intervene, but reflects upon the movie “Bambi” and then realizes he should stop because the coyote is only doing what is natural. – …

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The Way Women Think

Husband’s Text Message to wife Honey, I got hit by a car outside the office. Paula brought me to the Hospital. Doctors presently doing tests and taking X-rays. Severe blow to my head but not likely to have any lasting effects. Wound required 19 stitches. I have three broken ribs, a broken arm and compound …

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Deliciously Evil Funnel Cake

During the summer there are many festivals, fairs, parties, and other fun events to attend. If you happen to run across the funnel cake, stay away! The funnel cake is evil. It is so yummy that you just can’t stay away. There is something about that fragrence in the air that just draws you in …

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The Cab Ride

I arrived at the address and honked the horn. After waiting a few minutes, I walked to the  door and knocked. ‘Just a minute’, answered a frail, elderly voice. I could hear something being dragged across the floor. After a long pause, the door opened. A small woman in her 90’s stood before me. She was wearing …

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2015 California Drought

You may have noticed in the news lately where the media has been discussing the California sever drought and water crisis. There are commercials that tell residents of California to conserve water and this affects everybody. I have heard that the majority of water consumption for the state of California is between the state government …

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Memorial Day 2015

On this Memorial Day 2015, remembering all who served and paid the ultimate price for the United States.

Socrates

In ancient Greece (469 – 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom. One day an acquaintance ran up to him excitedly and said, “Socrates, do you know what I just heard about Diogenes?” “Wait a moment,” Socrates replied, “Before you tell me I’d like you to pass a little test. It’s called the …

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Deer Crossing

I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: “Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don’t think this is a good place for them to be crossing …

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Liquor Store Robber

Arkansas: Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he’d just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back knocking him unconscious. Seems the liquor store …

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Record Store Robber

A pair of robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers. The first one shouted, “Nobody move!”. When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.

Corner Store Robber

A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all of the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of Scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the …

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Speed Trap

A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received in the mail a ticket for $40 and a photo of his car. Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of $40. Several days later, he received a letter …

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Bank Robber

A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the Branch and wrote this, “Put all your muny in this bag”. While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he …

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Boeing Aircraft Raft

Early this year, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747’s. They were successful in getting it out of the plane and home. Shortly after they took it for a float on the river, they noticed a Coast Guard helicopter coming toward them. It turned out …

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Poison Control Center

I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control center. Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She …

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Irate Airline Passenger

A crowded United Airlines flight was cancelled. A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travellers. Suddenly, an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket on the counter and said:-“I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS.” The agent replied: “I’m sorry, …

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Siblings

No Need For Google

Self Perception

To Mom and Dad

Opinion?

Where will we be in 8 years?

Ratheon XOS 2 is a second generation exoskeleton design for US army use. It allows the wearer to enhance his strength to carry heavy equipment much easier and for much longer. The world’s first virtual shopping center opened in Korea. All the products are just LCD screens that allow you to order the items by …

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Out of patience

After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in his seat and closed his eyes. As the train rolled out of the station, the young woman sitting next to him pulled out her cell phone and started talking in a loud voice: “Hi sweetheart. It’s Sue. I’m on the train”. “Yes, I know it’s the …

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Those Sneaky Marines

Look closely … Keep looking! See it now? You have got to love the Marines.

Children are Quick

TEACHER: Why are you late? STUDENT: Class started before I got here. ____________________________________ TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor? JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables. __________________________________________ TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell ‘crocodile?’ GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L’ TEACHER: No, that’s wrong GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but …

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British Humor is Different

These are classified ads, which were actually placed in U.K. Newspapers: FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 years old, Hateful little bastard. Bites! FREE PUPPIES 1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor’s dog. FREE PUPPIES. Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd. Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound. COWS, …

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Did You Know?

1. Your shoes are the first thing people subconsciously notice about you. Wear nice shoes. 2. If you sit for more than 11 hours a day, there’s a 50% chance you’ll die within the next 3 years. 3. There are at least 6 people in the world who look exactly like you. There’s a 9% …

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They walk among us!

1.They Walk Among Us and Many Work Retail I was at the checkout of a K-Mart. The clerk rang up $46.64 charge. I gave her a fifty dollar bill. She gave me back $46.64. I gave the money back to her and told her that she had made a mistake in MY favor. She became …

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Having a Bad Day?

How’s Your day Going? Hope it’s way better than these people experienced…….Yikes!

How to Call the Police When You’re Old

Phillips, an elderly man, from Meridian, Mississippi, was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he’d left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed …

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The Real Laws

1.Law of Mechanical Repair – After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you’ll have to pee. 2.Law of Gravity – Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible place in the universe. 3.Law of Probability – The probability of being watched is directly …

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Aircraft Maintenance Humor

After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a’gripe sheet,’ which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. …

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A Positive Attitude

He finally awoke from his coma, stiff as a board and in pain in the hospital’s ICU, with tubes up his nose & down his throat, wires monitoring every function and a gorgeous nurse hovering over him. It was obvious he’d been in a serious accident. She gave him a deep and steady heartfelt look …

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Always Wear Underwear

Through a Child’s Eyes

Real Facts

A rhinoceros horn is made of compacted hair. A cat’s lower jaw cannot move sideways. Six-year-olds laugh an average of 300 times a day. Adults only laugh 15 to 100 times a day. Borborygmi is the noise that your stomach makes when you are hungry. In one day, a full-grown oak tree expels 7 tons of water through its …

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Darwin Awards

Here is the glorious winner: 1. When his 38 caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach, California would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked. And now, the honorable mentions: …

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Do Elephants Remember?

In 1972, Joe Miller was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Tulsa Junior College. On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Joe approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee, inspected the elephants …

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Male Logic: Critical Thinking At Its Best!

Woman: Do you drink beer? Man: Yes. Woman: How many beers a day? Man: Usually about 3 Woman: How much do you pay per beer? Man: $5.00 which includes a tip (This is where it gets scary !) Woman: And how long have you been drinking? Man: About 20 years, I suppose. Woman: So a …

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