Category: Humor

Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties. The first man had married a woman from Ohio and had told her that she was going to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.

The second man had married a woman from Illinois. He had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking. The first day he didn’t see any results but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean the dishes were done, and there was a huge dinner on the table.

The third man had married a beautiful girl from Michigan. He told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn’t see anything, the second day he didn’t see anything but by the third day some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye enough to fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher.

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To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine… and those who don’t:

As Ben Franklin said: In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom, in water there is bacteria.

In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. coli) – bacteria found in feces. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop.

However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.

Remember:
Water = Poop
Wine = Health

Therefore, it’s better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of shit. There is no need to thank me for this valuable information: I’m doing it as a public service.

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1. Cheese
The teacher told Pepito to use the word cheese in a sentence. Pepito Replies: “Maria likes me, but cheese fat.”
2. Mushroom
When all of my family get in the car, there’s not mushroom.
3. Shoulder
My fren wanted to become a citizen but she didn’t know how to read so I shoulder.
4. Texas
My fren always texas me when I’m not home wondering where I’m at!
5. Herpes
Me and my fren ordered pizza. I got my piece and she got herpes.
6. July
Ju told me ju were going to that store and july to me! “Julyer!”
7. Rectum
I had 2 cars but my wife rectum!
8. Juarez
One day my gramma slapped me and I said, “Juarez your problem?”
9. Chicken
I was going to go to the store with my wife but chicken go herself.
10. Wheelchair
We only have one enchalada left, but don’t worry, wheelchair.
11. Chicken wing
My wife plays the lottery so chicken wing.
12. Harassment
My wife caught me in bed with another women and I told her, “Honey, harassment nothing to me.”
13. Bishop
My wife fell down the stairs, so I had to pick the bishop.
14. Body wash
I want to go to the club but no body wash my kids.
15. Green Pink Yellow
When the phone green, I pink it up, and say, “Yellow?”

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Oil Change instructions for Women:
1.) Drive into Ultra Tune when the odometer reaches 10,000 kilometres since the last oil change.
2.) Drink a cup of coffee , read free paper.
3.) 15 minutes later, write a cheque and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.
Money spent:
Oil Change: $40.00
Coffee: $2.00
Total: $42.00

Oil Change instructions for Men:
1.) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a cheque for $50.00.
2.) Stop by the Bottle Shop and buy a slab of beer, write a cheque for $40, drive home..
3.) Open a beer and drink it.
4.) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5.) Find jack stands under caravan.
6.) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7.) Place drain pan under engine.
8.) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9.) Give up and use crescent wrench.
10.) Unscrew drain plug.
11.) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Curse and swear.
12.) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
13.) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14.) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
15.) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.
16.) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly, hide old oil filter among rubbish in wheely bin to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.
17.) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
18.) Dump first litre of fresh oil into engine.
19.) Remember drain plug from step 11.
20.) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
21.) Drink beer.
22.) Discover that first litre of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.
23.) Get drain plug back in with only a minor spill. Drink beer.
24.) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame removing any excess skin between knuckles and frame.
25.) Begin swearing fit.
26.) Throw stupid crescent wrench.
27.) Swear for additional 5 minutes because wrench hit bowling trophy.
28.) Beer.
29.) Cleanup hands and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
30.) Beer.
31.) Dump in five fresh litres of oil.
32.) Beer.
33.) Lower car from jack stands.
34.) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during any missed steps.
35.) Beer.
36.) Test drive car.
37.) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
38.) Car is impounded.
39.) Call loving wife, make bail.
40.) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.
Money spent:
Parts: $50.00
DUI: $2400.00
Impound fee: $75.00
Bail: $1500.00
Beer: $40.00
Total: $4,085.00
But you know the job was done right!

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Number One Idiot of 2008

I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control center. Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She calmed down and at the end of the conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants.
I told her that she better bring her daughter in to the emergency room right away.

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Number Two Idiot of 2008

Early this year, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out of the plane and home. Shortly after they took it for a float on the river, they noticed a Coast Guard helicopter coming toward them. It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locater beacon that activated when the raft was inflated. They are no longer employed at Boeing.

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Number Three Idiot of 2008

A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the Branch and wrote this, ‘Put all your muny in this bag.’ While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller’s window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to the Wells Fargo Bank. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn’t the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America.
Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, ‘OK’ and left. He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.

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Number Four Idiot of 2008

A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all of the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of Scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier refused and said, ‘Because I don’t believe you are over 21.’ The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because she didn’t believe him. At this point, the robber took his driver’s license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk.
The clerk looked it over and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and she put the Scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off the license. They arrested the robber two hours later.

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Idiot Number Five of 2008

A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers.
The first one shouted, ‘Nobody move!’ When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.

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Idiot Number Six of 2008

Arkansas : Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he’d just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run.
So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back knocking him unconscious. It seems the liquor store window was made of Plexi-Glass. The whole event was caught on videotape.

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Idiot Number Seven of 2008

I live in a semi-rural area ( Weyauwega , Wisconsin ). We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road.
The reason: ‘Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! – I don’t think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.’

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A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall. He approached a uniformed policeman and said, “I’ve lost my grandpa!”

‘The cop asked, ‘What’s he like?’

The little boy hesitated for a moment and then replied, “Crown Royal whiskey and women with big tits.”

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An old retired sailor puts on his old uniform and heads to the docks once more for old times’ sake. He engages a prostitute and takes her up to a room. He’s soon going at it as well as he can for a guy his age, but needing some reassurance, he asks, “How am I doing?”

The prostitute replies, “Well old sailor, you’re doing about 3 knots.”

Three knots he asks, “What’s that supposed to mean?”

She says, “You’re knot hard, you’re knot in, and you’re knot getting your money back.”

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The American Government funded a study to see why the head of a man’s penis was larger than the shaft. After 1 year and $180,000, they concluded that the reason that the head was larger than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure during sex.

After the US published the study, the French decided to do their own study. After$250,000 and 3 years of research, they concluded that the reason the head was larger than the shaft was to give the woman more pleasure during sex.

Newfoundlanders, unsatisfied with these findings,conducted their own study. After 2 weeks, a cost of around $75.46, and 2 cases of beer, they concluded that it was to keep a man’s hand from flying off and hitting himself in the forehead.

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