Humor – Page 131 – The Kumachan

Troops Should Pull Out

Dave 2006-11-20

If you consider that there has been an average of 160,000 troops in the Iraq theatre of operations during the last 22 months, and a total of 2,112 deaths – that gives a firearm death rate of 60 per 100,000 soldiers.

For the same period of time, the firearm death rate in Washington DC is 80.6 per 100,000 citizens.

That means that you are about 30 percent more likely to be shot and killed in the Capitol of the United States
– which has some of the strictest gun control laws in the nation – than you are in Iraq.

Conclusion:
The United States should pull out of Washington, DC immediately!

Lost in Translation: A Roman Rendezvous Gone Wrong

Dave 2006-11-20

A virile, middle-aged Italian gentleman named Guido was relaxing at his favorite bar in Rome when he managed to attract the attention of a spectacular young blonde woman.

Things progressed quickly. Before long, he invited her back to his apartment. After some flirtatious small talk, they retired to his bedroom, where he proceeded to rattle her senseless.

After a pleasant interlude, he smiled and asked, “So… you finish?”

She paused, frowned slightly, and replied, “No.”

Surprised but determined, Guido reached for her again, and the rattling resumed. This time she thrashed wildly, crying out with unmistakable passion.

Finally, they collapsed in exhaustion.

Guido, grinning confidently, asked once more, “You finish?”

She paused again, smiled sweetly, cuddled closer, and softly said, “No.”

Now stunned—but absolutely unwilling to leave her unsatisfied—Guido summoned every last ounce of strength. What followed was a final crescendo of screaming, bucking, clawing, and shredded bedsheets.

Completely spent, Guido fell onto his back, gasping for air. With heroic pride, he turned his head slightly and whispered one final time:

“You finish?”

Barely able to speak, the beautiful blonde leaned into his ear and murmured:

“No… I Norwegian.”

You Know You’re in Texas When…

Dave 2006-11-07

– The birds have to use potholders to pull worms out of the ground.
– The trees are whistling for the dogs.
– The best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.
– Hot water now comes out of both taps.
– You can make sun tea instantly.
– You learn that a seat belt buckle makes a pretty good branding iron.
– The temperature drops below 95 and you feel a little chilly.
– You discover that in July it only takes 2 fingers to steer your car.
– You discover that you can get sunburned through your car window.
– You actually burn your hand opening the car door.
– You break into a sweat the instant you step outside at 7:30 a.m.
– Your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, “What if I get knocked out and end up lying on the pavement and cook to death?”
– You realize that asphalt has a liquid state.
– The potatoes cook underground, so all you have to do is pull one out and add butter, salt and pepper.
– Farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying boiled eggs.
– The cows are giving evaporated milk.

Warning: Idiots in the Area

Dave 2006-11-06

We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road.
The reason: “Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don’t think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.”
From Kingman, KS.

I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, “Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge? To which I replied, “If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?” He smiled knowingly and nodded, “That’s why we ask.”
Happened in Birmingham, Ala.

The stoplight on the corner buzzes when its safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, “What on earth are blind people doing driving?!”
She was a probation officer in Wichita, KS

When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the drivers side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. “Hey,” I announced to the technician, “its open!” His reply, “I know – I already got that side.”
This was at the Ford dealership in Canton, Mississippi!

Up Nort in Dulut

Dave 2006-11-04

Ole Vas working at the fish plant up nort in Dulut vhen he accidentlycut off all ten of his finkers.

He vent to da emergency room in the Clinik and vhen he got dar daNorsky doctor looked at Ole and said, “Let’s have da finkers and I’ll see vhat I can do.

“Ole said, “I haven’t got da finkers.”

“Vhat do you mean, you hafen’t got da finkers?” he said. “Lord-it’s 2006! ve’s got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques. I could hafe put dem back on and made you like new!

Why didn’t you brink da finkers?”

To vhich Ole says……..”How da fock vas I suppose to pick dem up?

Pregnant Turkey Story

Dave 2006-11-01

Last year at Christmas time, my mom went to my sister’s house for the traditional holiday feast. Knowing how gullible my sister is, my mom decided to play a trick. She told my sister that she needed something from the store and asked if my sister wouldn’t mind going out to get it. When my sister left the house, my mom took the turkey out of the oven, removed the mixed stuffing, stuffed a Cornish hen, and inserted it into the turkey… then re-stuffed the turkey. She then placed the bird(s) back into the oven. When it was time for dinner, my sister pulled the turkey out of the oven and proceeded to remove the stuffing. When her serving spoon hit something, she reached in and pulled out the little bird. With a look of total shock on her face, my mother exclaimed, “Barbara, you’ve cooked a pregnant bird!” At the reality of this horrifying news, my sister started to cry hysterically. It took the entire family almost two hours to convince her that turkeys lay eggs! Yes, my sister is blonde.

Eve’s Side of the Story

Dave 2006-10-25

After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve. “So, how is everything going?” inquired God.

It is all so beautiful, God,” she replied. “The sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful, but I have just one problem. It is these breasts you have given me. The middle one pushes the other two out and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches and snagging them on bushes. They are a real pain,” reported Eve.’, ‘And Eve went on to tell God that since many other parts of her body came in pairs, such as her limbs, eyes, ears, etc……….she felt that having only two breasts might leave her body more “symmetrically balanced,” as she put it.

That is a fair point,” replied God, “But it was my first shot at this, you know. I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that you needed only half of those, but I see that you are right. I will fix it up right away.” And God reached down, removed the middle breast and tossed it into the bushes.

Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the Garden of Eden.

Well, Eve, how is my favorite creation?” Just fantastic,” she replied, “But for one oversight on your part. You see, all the animals are paired off.
The ewe has a ram and the cow has her bull. All the animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone.”

God thought for a moment and said, “You know, Eve, you are right How could I have overlooked this?
You do need a mate and I will immediately create a man from a part of you.”

Now let’s see…………where did I put that useless boob?”

A Can of Worms

Dave 2006-10-23

A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.

Four worms were placed into four separate jars.
The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.
The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.
At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:

The first worm in alcohol – Dead.
The second worm in cigarette smoke – Dead.
Third worm in chocolate syrup – Dead.
Fourth worm in good clean soil – Alive. ‘, ‘So the Minister asked the congregation – What can you learn from this demonstration? Maxine was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said, “As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won’t have worms!” Don’t you just love little old Maxine?

Observation

Dave 2006-10-10

A lecturer teaching medicine was tutoring a class on ”Observation”. He took out a jar of yellow-colored liquid. “This”, he explained, “is urine. To be a doctor, you have to be observant to color, smell, sight, and taste.”

After saying this, he dipped his finger into the jar and put it into his mouth. His class watched on in amazement, most, in disgust. But being the good students that they were, the jar was passed, and one by one, they dipped one finger into the jar and then put it into their mouth. After the last student was done, the lecturer shook his head.

“If any of you had been observant, you would have noticed that I put my 2nd finger into the jar and my 3rd finger into my mouth.”

$20.00

Dave 2006-10-08

On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed. This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes andother incidentals that she needed. Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state. During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go. It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he’d be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he’d been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined. Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than thirty years of steady deposits and interest totaling nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over $2 million, and informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank.

Mood Swings

Dave 2006-10-07

Dear Abby,
My husband is not happy with my mood swings. So for Christmas he bought me a mood ring so he would be able to monitor my moods. When I’m in a good mood it turns green. When I’m in a bad mood it leaves a big fucking red mark on his forehead. Maybe next time he’ll buy me a diamond.

Sincerely,
Concerned Bitch

Italian Lawyers

Dave 2006-10-01

A professor of law had just finished a guest lecture at a law school in Italy when an Italian lawyer approached him and asked, “Is it true that a person can fall down on a sidewalk in your country and then sue the land owners for lots of money?”

Told it was true, the lawyer turned to his partner and started speaking rapidly in Italian. When they stopped, the professor asked if they had decided to go to America to practice law.

“No, no,” one replied, “We want to go to America to fall down on sidewalks!”

No sex since 1955

Dave 2006-09-29

A crusty old Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation. “Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?”

“Negative, ma’am. Just serious by nature.”‘, ‘”The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, “It looks like you have seen a lot of action.”

“Yes, ma’am, a lot of action.”

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, “You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself.”

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.

Finally the young lady said, “You know, I hope you don’t take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?”

“1955, ma’am.”

“Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955!” She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to “relax” him several times. Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, “Wow, you sure didn’t forget much since 1955!”

The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, “I hope not; it’s only 2130 now.”

The Gay Flight Attendant

Dave 2006-09-28

My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks.

As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us that Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he’ll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super.

On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather Arabic looking woman hadn’t moved a muscle. Perhaps you didn’t hear me over those big brute engines but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo,so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground.

She calmly turned her head and said, In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one, to which (I swear) the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, “Well, sweet- cheeks, in my country I’m called a Queen, so I outrank you.

Tray-up, bitch.

Maintain a Healthy Level of Insanity

Dave 2006-09-27

1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.
2. Page yourself over the intercom. Don’t disguise your voice.
3. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.
4. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it “In”.
5. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 Weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
6. In the memo field of all your checks, write “For Smuggling Diamonds”.
7. Finish all your sentences with “In accordance with the prophecy”.
8. Don’t use any punctuation.
9. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
10. Order a diet water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.’
11. Specify that your drive-through order is “To Go”.
12. Sing along at the opera.
13. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don’t rhyme?
14. Put mosquito netting around your work area and play tropical sounds all day.
15. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can’t attend their party because you’re not in the mood.
16. Have your co-workers address you by your wrestling name, “Rock Bottom.”
17. When the money comes out the ATM, Scream “I Won! I Won!”
18. When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling “Run for Your Lives! They’re Loose!”
19. Tell your children over dinner, “Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.”
20. Send this link to someone to make them smile. It’s called…therapy.

The Only Protection He Packed Was a Fake Name

Dave 2006-09-09

A senior citizen visits his doctor for a routine check-up and everything seems fine. The doctor asks him about his sex life.

“Well…” the man drawled, “not bad at all to be honest. The wife ain’t all that interested anymore, so I just cruise around. In the past week I was able to pick-up and bed at least three girls, none of whom were over thirty years old.”

“My goodness Jack, and at your age too.” the doctor said. “I hope you took at least some precautions.”

“Yep. I may be old, but I ain’t senile yet doc. I gave ”em all a phony name.”

Wedding Terms

Dave 2006-09-08

On their wedding night, the young bride told her groom “Since we’re married now, we can arrange our sex life like this: In the evening if my hair is done, that means I don’t want sex at all. If my hair is somewhat undone, that means I may or may not have sex. Last…. if my hair is completely undone, that means I want sex…”

The groom replied: “OK honeycup. Just make sure that when I come home, I usually have a drink… If I have only one drink, that means I don’t want sex. If I have two drinks, I may or may not be wanting sex. But if I drink more than two…. your hair won’t matter!

Brooklyn Tony on Math

Dave 2006-08-26

Brooklyn Tony returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.

“Why?” asks the father.

The teacher asked ”How much is 2×3,” I said ”6,” replies Tony.

“But that’s right!” says his dad.’, ‘”Yeah, but then she asked me ” How much is 3×2?”” “What’s the fucking difference?” asks the father.

“That’s what I said!”

Brooklyn Tony

Dave 2006-08-25

Theteacher asks her class, “If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence andyou shoot one of them, how many will be left ?”She calls on Brooklyn Tony.

He replies, “None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot.”

Theteacher replies, “The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking.”‘, ‘Then Brooklyn Tony says, “I have a question for you. There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:

One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.

The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.

The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.
Which one is married?”

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, “Well, I suppose the one that’s gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.”

To which Brooklyn Tony replied, “The correct answer is” the one with the wedding ring on,but I like your thinking.”

Should Children Witness Childbirth?

Dave 2006-08-21

Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call. The house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-yr old girl to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby. Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked. Heidi pushed and pushed and after a little while, Connor was born. The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry again. The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-yr old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.

Kathleen quickly responded, “He shouldn’t have crawled in there in the first place……smack his ass again!”

Category: Humor

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