Casa D’Ice Restaurant is just 10 miles southeast of Pittsburgh in North Versailles, PA ). The owner changes the signs whenever he gets another idea…Or just wants to make a [political] statement and WOW! The only problem? He uses some pretty foul language to make his points.
With apologies to Jeff Foxworthy, our troops in Afghanistan prove they’ve trained their sense of humor with the following:
“You may be a Taliban if . . .
1) You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to beer.
2) You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can’t afford shoes.
3) You have more wives than teeth.
4) You wipe your butt with your bare left hand, but consider bacon “unclean.”
5) You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.
6) You can’t think of anyone you HAVEN’T declared Jihad against.
7) You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.
8) You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.
9) You’ve ever uttered the phrase, “I love what you’ve done with your cave.”
10) You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least one.
11) You bathe at least monthly whether necessary or not.
12) You’ve ever had a crush on your neighbor’s goat.
A man goes deer hunting and successfully fills his freezer with venison. One night, he cooks some up for dinner. He and his wife decide they won’t tell the kids what kind of meat it is.
The kids, eager to know what they’re eating, beg their dad for a clue.
“Well,” he says, “it’s what Mommy sometimes calls me.”
The little girl’s eyes go wide, and she screams, “Don’t eat it!!! It’s an asshole!”
Happy Easter!
The pineapple water tower by the Dole cannery.
Finally, someone has managed to photograph the pot at the end of the rainbow! Wouldn’t you know it?
Woman’s Perfect Breakfast
She’s sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.
Woman’s Revenge
“Cash, check or charge?” I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse. “So, do you always carry your TV remote?” I asked.
“No,” she replied, “but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally.”
Understand Women
(A man’s perspective)
I know I’m not going to understand women.
I’ll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax,
pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root,
and still be afraid of a spider.
Marriage Seminar
While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication,
Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor, “It is essential that husbands and wives know each other’s likes and dislikes.”
He addressed the man, “Can you name your wife’s favorite flower?”
Tom leaned over, touched his wife’s arm gently and whispered, “It’s Pillsbury, isn’t it?
Cigarettes and Tampons
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles.
The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.
She directs him down the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.
She says, confused, “Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?
He answers, “You see, it’s like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store
to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco
and some rolling papers; cause it’s sooo-ooo–oo-ooo much cheaper.
So, I figure if I have to roll my own ………so does she.
Wife vs Husband
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and
neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,
the husband asked sarcastically, “Relatives of yours?”
“Yep,” the wife replied, “in-laws.”
Words
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day…
30,000 to a man’s 15,000.
The wife replied, “The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men…
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, “What?”
Creation
A man said to his wife one day, “I don’t know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.
“The wife responded, “Allow me to explain.
God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!
Who Does What
A man and his wife were having an argument about who
should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, “You should do it because you get up first,
and then we don’t have to wait as long to get our coffee.
The husband said, “You are in charge of cooking around here and
you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.”
Wife replies, “No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee.”
Husband replies, “I can’t believe that, show me.”
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says “Hebrews.”
The Silent Treatment
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.
Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and lose), he wrote on a piece of paper, “Please wake me at 5:00 AM.” He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn’t wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
The paper said, “It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.”
A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or any sex in quite some time. She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of a sex therapist. Her doctor recommended that she see the well known Chinese sex therapist Dr. Chang.
So she went to see him. Upon entering the examination room Dr. Chang said ‘OK take off all your crose. ‘The woman did a s she was told. ‘Now get down and craw reery, reery fass to odderside of room.’ Again the woman did as she was instructed. Dr. Chang then said ‘OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me.’ So she did. Dr.Chang shook his head slowly and said ‘Your probrem vewy bad. You haf Ed Zachary diease. Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or dates.’ Worried the woman asked anxiously ‘Oh my God Dr.Chang what is Ed Zachary Disease ?’ Dr. Chang sighed deeply and replied ‘Ed Zachary Disease is when your face look Ed Zachary like your ass.’
Here’s a little retirement info for you:
If you had purchased $1,000.00 of Delta Air Lines stock one year ago you would have $49.00 left. With Enron, you would have had $16.50 left of the original $1,000.00. With WorldCom, you would have had less than $5.00 left. But, if you had purchased $1,000.00 worth of beer one year ago, drank all of the beer, then turned in the cans for the aluminum recycling REFUND, you would have had $214.00. Based on the above, the best current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle. It’s called the 401-Keg.
60 above zero:
Floridians turn on the heat.
People in Michigan plant gardens.
50 above zero:
Californians shiver uncontrollably.
People in Michigan sunbathe.
40 above zero:
Italian & English cars won’t start.
People in Michigan drive with the windows down.
32 above zero:
Distilled water freezes.
The water in Lake Michigan gets thicker.
20 above zero:
Floridians don coats, thermal underwear, gloves, wool hats.
People in Michigan throw on a flannel shirt.
15 above zero:
New York landlords finally turn up the h eat.
People in Michigan have the last cookout before it gets cold.
Zero:
People in Miami all die.
Michiganders close the windows.
10 below zero:
Californians fly away to Mexico
People in Michigan get out their winter coats.
25 below zero:
Hollywood disintegrates.
The Girl Scouts in Michigan are selling cookies door to door.
40 below zero:
Washington DC runs out of hot air.
People in Michigan let the dogs sleep indoors.
100 below zero:
Santa Claus abandons the North Pole.
Michiganders get upset because they can’t start the Mini-Van.
460 (-459.67 F below zero):
ALL atomic motion stops (absolute zero, zero on the Kelvin scale.)
People in Michigan start saying…”Cold enough fer ya?”
500 below zero:
Hell freezes over.
Michigan public schools will open 2 hours late.
Hey, Samari Warrior, what time is it?
Hey, Dude!…Put your finger on the trigger!
Trojan War? Check. Jet in the sky? Check.
Costumes?….Bows?….Arrows?….Cell phone?…Action!
What? Oh, I remember now….Adidas….Founded in 1635
