Dave

Author's posts

Sleeping Around

If Women Controlled the World

Hiking Experience in Kailua

Do you remember the stories that your grandfather probably told you about walking to school everyday, through the snow barefoot, uphill both ways? Well, today I have one of those stories, but it‚Äö√Ñ√¥s 100% true and it just happened to me, today. I thought it would be fun to go hiking with my son today …

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Ralph the Chicken

Ralph came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber. He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said,‚Äö√Ñ√¥ you died in your sleep, Ralph. ‚Äö√ѬÆRalph was stunned. I’m dead? No, I can’t be! I’ve got too much to live for send me back! St. …

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The Bet…

Two families move from Pakistan to America . When they arrive the two fathers make a bet to see — in a year’s time — which family has become more Americanized. A year later they meet again. The first man says, “My son is playing baseball. I had breakfast at McDonalds, and I’m on my …

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Pet Fish

A redneck was stopped by a game warden recently with two ice chests full of fish. He was leaving a cove that’s well-known for its fishing. The game warden asked the man… “Do you have a license to catch those fish?” “No, sir,” replied the redneck. “I ain’t got none of them there licenses, these …

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Cure for a Cough

The owner of a drugstore walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall with an odd look on his face. The owner asks the clerk, “What’s with that guy over there by the wall?” The clerk says, “Well, he came in here at 7 A.M. to get something for his cough. I …

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2008 Sugar Bowl Results: Georgia 41 – Hawaii 10

Well, well, Hawaii went to the Sugar Bowl and played Georgia. Ummm‚ there isn’t much to be said, Georgia handed Hawaii‘s ass to them on a silver Cajun platter. This game was over at halftime. One of the most comical parts of the whole game was when Hawaii knew they were done for, so they …

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2008 Capitol One Bowl: Michigan 41 – Florida 35

The 2007 NCAA football season had many ups and downs for the University of Michigan. Starting out the season being unprepared for Appalachian State and then turning around and getting spanked by Oregon at home definitely was not the way any team would want to start out their year. Following those two games the University …

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Happy New Year 2008!

Just wanted to wish everybody a very Happy New Year 2008! Hope the new year brings everybody joy and the very best that life can offer.

So Sick of Hearing About the University of Hawaii

Ever since December 1st, 2007 it seemed that every commercial on local t.v. was that the University of Hawaii warriors went 12-0 on the season. It is now December 31st, 2007 and I am so sick of hearing about how great the University of Hawaii is. This is the 1st year ever that they went …

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Jane & Arlene

Jane and Arlene are outside the nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking. Arlene: What in the hell is that? Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn’t get wet. Arlene: Where …

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Not the Brightest Bulb in the Woods….

Christmas Trees Around the World

Rockefeller Center, New York The Capitol, Washington DC Trafalgar Square in London The Romer, Frankfurt’s City Hall Red, White and Blue [on display at an unknown location] Puerta del Sol in Madrid St. Peter’s Square in Rome Galeries Lafayette in Paris A chapel in Germany’s Karwendel mountains The largest Christmas tree in Europe [over 230 …

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A Fairy Tale

One day, long, long ago, there was this woman who surprisingly, did not whine, nag, and bitch…….. But this was a long time ago…..and it was just ONE day. The End

Christmas Cookie Recipe

Ingredients: 1 cup of water 1 tsp baking soda 1 cup of sugar 1 tsp salt 1 cup of brown sugar Lemon juice 4 large eggs 1 cup nuts 2 cups of dried fruit 1 bottle Crown Royal Instructions: – Sample the Crown Royal to check quality. – Take a large bowl, check the Crown …

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How Real Men Use Post-It Notes!

Wrapping Paper

Urine Test

Like a lot of folks in this state, I have a job. I work, they pay me. I pay my taxes and the government distributes my taxes as it sees fit. In order to get that paycheck, I am required to pass a random urine test with which I have no problem. What I do …

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Stun Gun

Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this : Last weekend I saw something at Larry’s Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I was looking for a little something …

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West Virginia Mountain Woman

A West Virginia mountain woman went to the doctor and was told to go home and come back in a couple of days with a specimen. When she got home, she asked her husband, “What is a specimen?” He replied, “Danged if I know. Go next door and ask Edith. She’s a nurse.” The woman …

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Laundry

A woman was unhappy with the way her laundry was done at the local Chinese Laundry, so she wrote a note and put it in the bag with the next collection of soiled clothes : “USE MORE SOAP ON PANTIES!” She got the clean laundry back, and was still dissatisfied with the results, so the …

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10 New Work Rules

It has been brought to management’s attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers. Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated. We do, however, realize the critical importance …

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How to Decide who to Marry:

How to Decide who to Marry: You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming. — Alan, age 10 No person really decides before they grow up who they’re going to marry. …

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Wyoming Cowboy

A WYOMING cowboy was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban Sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, “If I tell you exactly …

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Three Quaterbacks

God asks Peyton Manning first: “What do u believe?” Peyton thinks long and hard, looks God in the eye, and says, “I believe in hard work and staying true to family and friends. I believe in giving. I was lucky, but I always tried to do the right by my fans.” God can’t help but …

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Dead Goldfish

Moved To Alaska

Tom had been in the liquor business for 25 years. Finally sick of the stress he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it’s total peace and quiet. After six months …

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We Do Not Spank

Most of America’s populace think it improper to spank children, so I have tried other methods to control my kids when they have one of “those moments.” One that I found effective is for me to just take the child for a car ride and talk. They usually calm down and stop misbehaving after our …

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Air Force Assignments

Minorities – Show Some Compassion

They travel miles in the heat. They risk their lives crossing a border. They don’t get paid enough wages. They do jobs that others won’t do or are afraid to do. They live in crowded conditions among a people who speak a different language. They rarely see their families, and they face adversity all day …

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