Author: Dave

Two women are chatting in office

Woman 1: I had sex last night, did you?

Woman 2: Yes.

Woman 1: Was it good?

Woman 2: No, it was a disaster… my husband came home, ate his dinner in
three minutes, got on top of me, finished having sex in five minutes,
rolled over and fell asleep in two minutes. How was yours?

Woman 1: Oh it was amazing! My husband came home and took me out to a
romantic dinner. After dinner we walked for an hour. When we came
home he lit the candles around the house and we had an hour of foreplay. We
then had an hour long session of fantastic sex and afterwards talked for an hour. It was like a fairytale!

At the same time, their husbands are talking at work.

Husband 1: You wanted sex last night, how was it?

Husband 2: Great. I came home, dinner was on the table, I ate,
screwed my wife and fell asleep. It was great! What about you?

Husband 1: It was horrible. I came home, there’s no dinner because they cut the electricity because I hadn’t paid the bill; so I had to take my wife out to dinner which was so expensive that I didn’t have money left for a cab. We had to walk home which took an hour – and when we got home I remembered there was no electricity so I had to light f@8%king candles all over the house! I was so angry that I couldn’t get it up for an hour and then I couldn’t come for another hour. After I finally did, I was so aggravated that I couldn’t fall asleep and my wife was jabbering away for another hour!

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A professor at the Mississippi State Univ. was giving a lecture on ‘Involuntary Muscular Contractions’ to his first year medical students.

Realizing this was not the most riveting subject, the professor decided to lighten the mood slightly.

He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, ‘Do you know what your asshole is doing while you’re having an orgasm?’

She replied, ‘Probably turkey hunting with his buddies.’

It took 45 minutes to restore order in the classroom…

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When Jane initially met Tarzan of the jungle, she was attracted to him, and during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex.”Tarzan not know sex,” he replied.

Jane explained to him what sex was. Tarzan said, “Oh,…Tarzan use hole in trunk of tree.”

Horrified, she said, “Tarzan you have it all wrong,…but I will show you how to do it properly.” She took off her clothing and lay down on the ground. “Here” she said, “you must put it in here.” Tarzan removed his loincloth showing Jane his considerable manhood, stepped closer, and then gave her a mighty kick right in the crotch!

Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity. Eventually she managed to gasp for air and screamed: “What in the hell did you do that for?”

Tarzan replied, “check for squirrel.”

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I bought a new Chevy Avalanche
And returned to the dealer yesterday
Because I couldn’t get the radio to work.
The salesman explained that the radio was voice activated.

‘Nelson,’ the salesman said to the radio.

The radio replied, ‘Ricky or Willie?’

‘Willie!’ he continued and ‘On The Road Again’
Came from the speakers.

Then he said, ‘Ray Charles!’, and in an instant
‘ Georgia On My Mind’ replaced Willie Nelson.
I drove away happy, and for the next few days,
Every time I’d say, ‘Beethoven,’
I’d get beautiful classical music, and if I said,
‘Beatles,’ I’d get one of their awesome songs.

Yesterday, some guy ran a red light
And nearly creamed my new truck,
But I swerved in time to avoid him.

I yelled, ‘Ass Hole!’
Immediately the radio responded with,
“Ladies and gentlemen,
The President of The
United States

Damn I love this truck…

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A very prestigious cardiologist died, and was given a very elaborate funeral by the hospital he worked for most of his life…. A huge heart… covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service as all the doctors from the hospital sat in awe. Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket was rolled inside.The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, ‘I am so sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral….. I’m a gynecologist.’

The proctologist fainted.

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1 . What do you call a pantry full of lesbians?
A. licker cabinet.

2. What do you call an Eskimo lesbian?
A. Klondike .

3.. What do you call 100 lesbians with guns?
A. Militia Etheridge.

4. Why can’t lesbians diet and wear make-up at the same time?
A. Because they can’t eat Jenny Craig with Mary Kay on their face.

5. What do you call two lesbians in a canoe?
A. Fur Traders…

6. What is a lesbian dinosaur called?
A. Lickalotapuss.

7. What do you call a lesbian with long fingers?
A. Well Hung.

8.. Did you hear that Ellen DeGeneres drowned?
A. She was found face down in Ricki Lake.

9. How can you tell a tough lesbian bar?
A. Even the pool table doesn’t have balls.

10. What do you call lesbian twins?
A. Lick-a-likes..

11.. What’s the definition of confusion?
A. Twenty blind lesbians in a fish market..

12. What’s the difference between a Ritz cracker and a lesbian?
A. One’s a snack cracker, the other’s a crack snacker.

13. What do you have when you’ve got 50 lesbians and 50 Government workers?
A. 100 people that don’t do dick.

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The other night I was invited out for a night with the ‘girls.’

I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, ‘I promise!’
Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily.

Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home.
Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up
and cuckooed 3 times.

Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another
9 times..

I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted
solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him. (Even when
totally smashed… 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals = 12 cuckoos
MIDNIGHT!)
The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him
‘MIDNIGHT’… He didn’t seem pissed off in the least.

Whew, I got away with that one! Then he said ‘We need a new cuckoo
clock.’

When I asked him why, he said, ‘Well, last night our clock cuckooed
three times, then said ‘oh shit.’ Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its,
throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and
then tripped over the coffee table and farted.

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Joe had suffered from really bad headaches for the last 20 years. He eventually decided to go and see a doctor.

The doctor said, ‘Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.’

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

He saw a men’s clothing store and thought, ‘That’s what I need… A new suit.’

He entered the shop and told the salesman, ‘I’d like a new suit.’

The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, ‘Let’s see… size 44 long.’

Joe laughed, ‘That’s right, how did you know?’

‘Been in the business 60 years!’ the tailor said.

Joe tried on the suit; it fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, ‘How about a new shirt?’

Joe thought for a moment and then said, ‘Sure.’

The salesman eyed Joe and said, ‘Let’s see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.’

Joe was surprised, ‘That’s right, how did you know?’

‘Been in the business 60 years.’

Joe tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly.

Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, ‘How about some new underwear?’

Joe thought for a moment and said, ‘Sure..’

The salesman said, ‘Let’s see… size 36.

Joe laughed, ‘Ah ha! I got you! I’ve worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old..’

The salesman shook his head, ‘You can’t wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.’

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A Cajun went duck hunting one day way up north near Shreveport and bagged three ducks. He put them in the bed of his pickup truck and was about to drive home when he was confronted by an ornery game warden who didn’t like Cajuns.

The game warden ordered the Cajun to show his hunting license, and the Cajun pulled out a valid Louisiana hunting license. The game warden looked at the license, then reached over and picked up one of the ducks, sniffed its butt and said, “This duck ain’t from Louisiana. This is a Texas duck.

You got a Texas huntin’ license, boy?”

The Cajun reached into his wallet and produced a Texas hunting license. The game warden looked at it, then reached over and grabbed the second duck, sniffed its butt, and said, “This ain’t no Texas duck. This duck’s from Arkansas . You got a Arkansas license?”

The Cajun reached into his wallet; and produced an Arkansas hunting license. The warden then reached over and picked up the third duck, sniffed its butt, and said “This ain’t no Arkansas duck. This here duck’s from Mississippi . You got a Mississippi huntin license?” Again the Cajun reached into his wallet and brought out a Mississippi hunting license. The game warden was extremely frustrated at this point, and he yelled at the Cajun “Just where the hell are you from?”

The Cajun turned around, bent over, dropped his pants, and said, “You tell me. You’re the expert.”

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