Category: Humor
Bob and the Blonde
Bob, a handsome dude, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 pm. He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV. The 10 pm news was coming on. The news crew was covering the story of a man on the ledge of a large building preparing to jump. The blonde looked at Bob and said, “Do you think he’ll jump?”
Bob said, “You know, I bet he’ll jump.”
The blonde replied, “Well, I bet he won’t.”
Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, “You’re on!”
Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death. The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob, saying, “Fair’s fair. Here’s your money.”
Bob replied, “I can’t take your money. I saw this earlier on the 5 pm news, and so I knew he would jump.”
The blonde replied, “I did too, but didn’t think he’d do it again.”
Bob took the money…
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Brief California History Lesson
Do you know what happened 166 years ago this summer…September 9th, 1850?
California became a state! The people had no electricity, the state had no money and almost everyone spoke Spanish. There were gunfights in the streets.
So basically nothing has changed except back then the women had real tits and the men didn’t hold hands.
And that, my friends, is your history lesson for today.
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Democrats Recounting Votes
Democrats have been unhappy with the turnout of the Presidential election and have start to recount.
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Kid Rock Understands the 2016 Election
Southern Cops Have a Way With Words
These are actual comments made by South Carolina Troopers that were taken off their car videos:
1. “You know, stop lights don’t come any redder than the one you just went through.”
2. “Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they’re new. They’ll stretch after you wear them a while.”
3. “If you take your hands off the car, I’ll make your birth certificate a worthless document.”
4. “If you run, you’ll only go to jail tired.”
5. “Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that’s the speed of the bullet that’ll be chasing you.”
6. “You don’t know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?”
7. “Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don’t think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I’m the shift supervisor?”
8. “Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I’m warning you not to do that again or I’ll give you another ticket.”
9. “The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?”
10. “Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop.”
11. “Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven.”
12. “In God we trust; all others we run through NCIC.” ( National Crime Information Center )
13. “Just how big were those ‘two beers’ you say you had?”
14. “No sir, we don’t have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we’re allowed to write as many tickets as we can.”
15. “I’m glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail.”
And the winner is…
16. “You didn’t think we give pretty women tickets? You’re right, we don’t. Sign here.”
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Demonstration of Love
A group of women were at a seminar on how to live in a loving relationship with their husbands. The women were asked, “How many of you love your husband?” All the women raised their hands.
Then they were asked, “When was the last time you told your husband you loved him?
“Some women answered today, a few yesterday, and some couldn’t remember.
The women were then told to take out their cell phones and text their husband – “I love you, Sweetheart”
Next the women were instructed to exchange phones with one another and read aloud the text message they received in response to their message.
Below are hilarious replies. If you have been married for quite a while, you understand that these replies are a sign of true love. Who else would reply in such a succinct and honest way?
1. Who the hell is this?
2. Eh, mother of my children, are you sick or what?
3. Yeah, and I love you too. What’s wrong?
4. What now? Did you wreck the car again?
5. I don’t understand what you mean?
6. What the hell did you do now?
7. Don’t beat about the bush, just tell me how much you need?
8. Am I dreaming?
9. If you don’t tell me who this message is actually for, someone will die.
10. I thought we agreed you wouldn’t drink during the day.
11. Your mother is coming to stay with us, isn’t she?
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Donkey
The king wanted to go fishing. He called on the royal weather forecaster and inquired as to the weather forecast for the next few hours. The weatherman assured him that there was no chance of rain in the coming days.
So the king went fishing with his wife, the queen. On the way he met a farmer on his donkey. Upon seeing the king the farmer said, “Your Majesty, you should return to the palace! In just a short time I expect a huge amount of rain to fall in this area”.
The king was polite and considerate, he replied: “I hold the palace meteorologist in high regard. He is an extensively educated and experienced professional. And besides, I pay him very high wages. He gave me a very different forecast. I trust him.”
So the king continued on his way. However, a short time later a torrential rain fell from the sky. The King and Queen were totally soaked and their entourage chuckled upon seeing them in such a shameful condition.
Furious, the king returned to the palace and gave the order to fire the professional. Then he summoned the farmer and offered him the prestigious and high paying role of royal forecaster.
The farmer said, “Your Majesty, I do not know anything about forecasting. I obtain my information from my donkey. If I see my donkey’s ears drooping, it means with certainty that it will rain.” So the king hired the donkey.
And thus began the practice of hiring dumb asses to work in the government and occupy its highest and most influential positions. The practice is unbroken to this day and the Democrat symbol was born.
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How is Your Day Going?
Now that I think about it, my day is going pretty good.
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Funny Killer Robots Comic for Geeks
Wisdom of an Older Man
An older man approached an attractive younger woman at a shopping mall. “Excuse me; I can’t seem to find my wife. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?”
The woman, feeling a bit of compassion for the old fellow, said, “Of course, sir. Do you know where your wife might be?”
“I have no idea, but every time I talk to a woman with breasts like yours, she seems to appear out of nowhere.”
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Buttercups & Golf Balls
Towards the end of the golf course, Doug hit his ball into the woods and found it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups. Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in the patch
All of a sudden, POOF! In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared. She said, “I’m Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups? Just for doing what you have done, you won’t have any butter for your popcorn for the rest of your life. Better still, you won’t have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life. As a matter of fact, you’ll never have any butter for anything the rest of your life!” Then POOF!, she was gone!
After Dave recovered from the shock, he hollered for his friend, “Fred, where are you?”
“Fred yells back “I’m over here in the pussy willows.
“Dave shouts back, “DON’T SWING, FRED, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DON’T SWING!“
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Chemistry Final Exam
There were four sophomores taking chemistry and all of them had an ‘A’ so far. These four friends were so confident that the weekend before finals, they decided to visit some friends and have a big party. They had a great time but, after all the hearty partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn’t make it back to Florida State until early Monday morning. Rather than taking the final then, they decided that after the final they would explain to their professor why
they missed it. They said that they visited friends but on the way back they had a flat tire. As a result, they missed the final.
The professor agreed they could make up the final the next day.
The guys were excited and relieved. They studied that night for the exam.
The next day the Professor placed them in separate rooms and gave them a test booklet.
They quickly answered the first problem worth 5 points. Cool, they thought! Each one, in a separate room, thought this was going to be easy … then they turned the page. On the second page was written: For 95 points: Which tire?
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Swastika Building in Coronado Island
Did you know that there is a swastika shaped building in Coronado Island? Well, I was looking around Coronado in Google Maps until I came across this building.
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Yiddish Humor
A car hit an elderly Jewish man. The paramedic says, “Are you comfortable?”
The man says, “I make a good living.”
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I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.
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I’ve been in love with the same woman for 49 years.
If my wife finds out, she’ll kill me!
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Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won’t be reporting it.
The thief spends less than my wife did.
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We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
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My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed.
My wife calls it the Dead Sea .
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My wife and I revisited the hotel where we spent our wedding night.
This time I was the one who stayed in the bathroom and cried.
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My wife was at the beauty shop for two hours.
That was only for the estimate.
She got a mudpack and looked great for two days.
Then the mud fell off.
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The Doctor gave a man six months to live. The man
couldn’t pay his bill, so the doctor gave him another six months.
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The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, “Mrs. Cohen, your check came back.”
Mrs. Cohen replied, “So did my arthritis!”
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Doctor: “You’ll live to be 60!” Patient: “I AM 60!”
Doctor: “See! What did I tell you?”
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A doctor held a stethoscope up to a man’s chest.
The man asks, “Doc, how do I stand?
The doctor says, “That’s what puzzles me!”
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Patient: “I have a ringing in my ears.”
Doctor: “Don’t answer!”
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A drunk was in front of a judge.
The judge says, “You’ve been brought here for drinking.
The drunk says, “Okay, let’s get started.”
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A man called his mother in Florida . “Mom, how are you?”
“Not too good,” said the mother. “I’ve been very weak.”
The son said, “Why are you so weak?”
She said, “Because I haven’t eaten in 38 days.”
The son said, “That’s terrible. Why haven’t you eaten in 38 days?”
The mother answered, “Because, I didn’t want my mouth to be full
in case you should call.”
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A Jewish man said that when he was growing up, they always
had two choices for dinner – Take it or leave it.
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A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother
he has a part in the play.
She asks, “What part is it?”
The boy says, “I play the part of the Jewish husband.”
The mother scowls and says, “Go back and tell the teacher
you want a speaking part.”
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Golf Club Locker Room
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club.
A cellular phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
MAN: “Hello”
WOMAN: “Hi Honey, it’s me. Are you at the club?”
MAN: “Yes.”
WOMAN: “I’m at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. It’s only $2,000. Is it OK if I buy it?”
MAN: “Sure, go ahead if you like it that much.”
WOMAN: “I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new models. I saw one I really liked.”
MAN: “How much?”
WOMAN: “$90,000.”
MAN: “OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.”
WOMAN: “Great! Oh, and one more thing. I was just talking to Janie and found out that the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They’re asking $980,000 for it.”
MAN: “Well, then go ahead and make an offer of $900,000. They’ll probably take it. If not, we can go the extra eighty-thousand if it’s what you really want.”
WOMAN: “OK. I’ll see you later! I love you so much!”
MAN: “Bye! I love you, too.” The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open. He turns and asks, “Anyone know whose phone this is?”
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Republican Truck
I stopped by the Ford Dealership in Temecula yesterday, for a look at the new F-150 aluminum pickup. Just for fun, I took it out for a test drive. I wanted to sense that new truck “feel” before they become old.
The salesperson, a very nice looking black lady, wearing a “Hillary for President” lapel pin, sat in the passenger seat next to me, describing the truck and all its “wonderful” options. The seats were of particular interest.
She explained that the seats directed warm air to your butt in the winter and directed cool air to your butt in the summer heat.
I mentioned that this must be a Republican truck.
Looking a bit angry, she asked why I thought it was a Republican truck.
I explained that if it were a Hillary truck, the seats would just blow smoke up your ass year-round.
I had to walk back to the dealership. She obviously has no sense of humor.
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Kansas Highway Patrol Officer Traffic Stop Story
Story from a Kansas State Highway Patrol officer:
I made a traffic stop on an elderly lady the other day for speeding On U.S. 166 Eastbound at Mile Marker 73 just East of Sedan, KS.
I asked for her driver’s license, registration, and proof of insurance.
The lady took out the required information and handed it to me.
In with the cards I was somewhat surprised (due to her advanced age) to see she had a conceal carry permit. I looked at her and ask if she had a weapon in her possession at this time.
She responded that she indeed had a .45 automatic in her glove box.
Something—body language, or the way she said it—made me want to ask if she had any other firearms.
She did admit to also having a 9mm Glock in her center console..
Now I had to ask one more time if that was all.
She responded once again that she did have just one more, a .38 special in her purse.
I then asked her what was she so afraid of.
She looked me right in the eye and said, “Not a f*****g thing!”
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Miley Cyrus New Look
Funny Sign at the Sea Life Aquarium
I was at the Sea Life Aquarium and I saw this sign. The way the sign shows a finger pointing at a fish with a line through it and then the outside fish has a sad face, it looks like the sign is saying, “Don’t point at the fish. It hurts their self esteem.” Maybe it’s saying, “Don’t point finger guns at the fish.” Finger guns must make fish sad. I find that to be funny.