Category: Humor
The Wedding Night
Mike was going to be married to Jane, so his father sat him down for a little chat. He said, ‘Mike, let me tell you something.
On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants, handed them to your mother, and said, ‘Here, try these on!,
She did and said, ‘These are too big, I can’t wear them.’ I replied, ‘Exactly, I wear the pants in this family and I always will.’
Ever since that night we have never had any problems.’
‘Hmmm,’ said Mike. He thought that might be good thing to try.
On his honeymoon, Mike took off his pants and said to Jane, ‘Here try these on.’ She tried them on and said, ‘These are too large, they don’t fit me. ‘Mike said, ‘Exactly, I wear the pants in this family, and I always will. I don’t want you to ever forget that.’
Then Jane took off her pants, and handed them to Mike. She said, ‘Here, you try on mine.’ He did and said,
‘I can’t get into your pants.’ Jane said, ‘Exactly. And if you don’t change your smart ass attitude, you never will.’
“They lived happily ever after”
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Senior Toons That May Be True
Overturned Golf Cart
While golfing, a handsome senior gentleman accidentally overturned his golf cart late one afternoon. A very attractive, 40ish, female golfer, who lives in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out, “Are you OK?”
“I’m OK, thanks,” he replied, as he pulled himself out of the twisted cart.
She said, “Come up to my villa, rest a while, and I’ll help you with the cart later.” The old guy noticed her silky bathrobe was partially open, revealing what appeared to be a very nice figure.
“That’s mighty nice of you,” he answered, “but I don’t think my wife would like it.”
“Oh, come on now!” she insisted. She was so pretty and very, very persuasive. He was weak. “Well, OK,” he finally agreed.
After a couple of Scotch and sodas, he thanked her and said, “I feel a lot better now. But I know my wife is going to be really upset. So I’d better go now.”
“Don’t be silly!” she said with a smile, letting her robe fall slightly more open. “Stay for a while. Your wife won’t know anything…..By the way, where is she?”
He replied, “Still under the cart, I guess.”
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The American Health Insurance Situation
The medical community is unable to reach consensus on what to do with America’s health insurance situation.
The Allergists were in favor of scratching it, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.
The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.
Meanwhile, Obstetricians felt certain everyone was laboring under a misconception, while the Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted.
Pathologists yelled, “Over my dead body!” while the Pediatricians said, “Oh, grow up!”
The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the Radiologists could see right through it.
Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing and the Internists claimed it would indeed be a bitter pill to swallow.
The Plastic Surgeons opined that this proposal would “put a whole new face on the matter.”
The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea.
Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas, and those lofty Cardiologists didn’t have the heart to say no.
In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the assholes in Washington.
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The Israeli Quarterback
The coach had put together the perfect team for the Chicago Bears. The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European leagues, but he couldn’t find a super athlete who could ensure a Super Bowl win.
Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in the West Bank. In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Israeli soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away.
KABOOM!
He threw another hand grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney.
KA-BLOOEY!
Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph.
BULLS-EYE!
“I’ve got to get this guy!” the coach said to himself. “He has the perfect arm!”
So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football. And the Bears go on to win the Super Bowl.
The young man is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother.
“Mom”, he says into the phone, “I just won the Super Bowl!
“I don’t want to talk to you”, the old woman says. “You are not my son!”
“I don’t think you understand, Mother,” the young man pleads. “I’ve won the greatest sporting event in the world. I’m here among thousands of my adoring fans.”
“No! Let me tell you!” his mother retorts. “At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn’t get raped!” The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says,……….
“I will never forgive you for making us move to Chicago.”
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Air Force One’s New Ornament
It has been reported that Air Force One had a new ornament installed in support of Donald J. Trump, the President of the United States, who dares to Make America Great Again!
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Chin Chin Restaurant
When I was in Las Vegas, Nevada I came across this restaurant. I saw the name and had to laugh because “chin chin” in Japanese means penis. I can’t say that I want to eat here. Who knows what they might serve? Yikes!
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The Legless Parrot
A guy is browsing in a pet shop, and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn’t have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, “Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot?”
The parrot says, “I was born this way. I’m a defective parrot.”
“Holy crap,” the guy replies. “You actually understood and answered me!”
“I got every word,” says the parrot. “I happen to be a highly intelligent and a thoroughly educated bird.”
“Oh yeah?” the guy asks. “Then answer this, how do you hang onto your perch, without any feet?”
“Well,” the parrot says, “this is very embarrassing, but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar, like a little hook. You can’t see it, because of my feathers.”
“Wow,” says the guy. “You really can understand, and can speak English, can’t you?”
“Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic, politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I’m especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me, I’d be a great companion.”
The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag. “Sorry, but I just can’t afford that.”
“Pssssssst,” says the parrot, “I’m defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me, cause I don’t have any feet. You can probably get me for $20, just make the guy an offer!”
The guy offers $20, and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humor, he’s interesting, he’s a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he’s insightful. The guy is delighted. One day the guy comes home from work, and the parrot goes, “Psssssssssssst,” and motions him over with one wing.
“I don’t know if I should tell you this or not, but it’s about your wife, and the UPS man.”
“What are you talking about?” asks the guy.
“When the UPS man delivered a package today, your wife greeted him at the door, in a sheer black nightie.”
“WHAT???” the guy asks incredulously.
“THEN what happened?”
“Well, then the UPS man came into the house, and lifted up her nightie, and began petting her all over” reported the parrot.
“NO!” he exclaims, “and she let him?”
“Yes. Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees, and began to kiss her all over.”
Then the frantic guy demands, “THEN WHAT HAPPENED?”
“I don’t know. I got a hard-on, and fell off my perch!”
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Signs of the Times
True Courage
Is it fighting a bull without a weapon? Is it flying a fighter in combat? Is it free fall parachuting? Is it bungee jumping? Is it white water rafting? Ah – But aare nothing!
This, my friend, is true courage:
(It’s also the last photo I have of my dog.)
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Andrew Garfield Nominated for the Oscars
Andrew Garfield got nominated to the Oscars for Hacksaw Ridge. Looks like Spider-man is going to get an Oscar.
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Oscars Jimmy Kimmel
Jimmy Kimmel will host the Oscars which will be interesting because he will make some jokes about the nominees and will have a blast doing so.
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Oscars change up
Due to the small spacing of the Oscars last year, there are going to be a more bigger and a tarp that is going to be implemented in this years’ Oscars Red Carpet.
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2017 Academy Awards Insider Information
If you would like to know some of the results and happenings of the 89th Academy Awards (keep reading)
– The Artist won best motion picture
– Octavius Spencer won for the movie The Help (Hollywood giving an award to a black woman from their whitest Oscars ever mistake)
– Jean Dujardin won best actor in leading role
– Merryl Streep won best actress (This is an obvious case of Hollywood enjoying her rant about Donald Trump)
– Fashion is a big topic tonight at the Oscars (Over paid and over privileged actors and actresses showing off how much they spend on a costume for a single evening.)
– Jona Hill brought his mother as his date.
– Oprah tweeted about Jimmy Kimmel saying that he’s cute.
– Oprah goes fire walking with Tony Robbins.
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Points to Ponder
Irish Ghost Story
John Bradford, Dublin University student, was on the side of the road hitch-hiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a big storm.The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped. John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door … only to realize there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn’t running.The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road ahead and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life. Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared out of nowhere through the window, and turned the wheel. John, paralyzed with terror, watched as the hand came through the window, but never touched or harmed him.
Shortly thereafter, John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road, so, gathering strength, he jumped out of the car and ran to it. Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he had just had. A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realized he was crying … and wasn’t drunk. Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the dark and stormy night. They, like John, were also soaked and out of breath. Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the other… ”Look Paddy … there’s that fooking idiot wot got in the car while we were pushing it!”
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Confucius Says
Confucius Say: It’s OK to let a fool kiss you; but don’t let a kiss fool you.
Confucius Say: A kiss is just shopping upstairs for downstairs merchandise.
Confucius Say: It is better to lose a lover than love a loser.
Confucius Say: A drunken man’s words are a sober man’s thoughts.
Confucius Say: Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, and you lose interest.
Confucius Say: Viagra is like Disneyland…A one-hour wait for a 2-minute ride.
Confucius Say: It is much better to want the mate you do not have than to have the mate you do not want.
Confucius Say: A joke is like sex. Neither is any good if you don’t get it.
Confucius Say:Man can’t rape woman, as woman can run faster with dress up than man with pants down.
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Five Undeniable Facts
1. A girl is said to be grown up when she starts wearing a bra. A boy is grown up when he starts removing it.
2. We all love to spend money buying new clothes but we never realize that the best moments in life are enjoyed without clothes.
3. Having a cold drink on hot day with a few friends is nice, but having a hot friend on a cold night after a few drinks – PRICELESS.
4. Breaking News: Condoms don’t guarantee safe sex anymore. A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot dead by the woman’s husband.
5. Arguing over a girl’s bust size is like choosing between Molson, Heineken, Coors & Budweiser. Men may state their preferences, but will grab whatever is available.
I haven’t verified this on Snopes, but it sounds legal.
A recent study found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
