Texas Humor
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Category: Humor
Jewish Mother’s Know Best
A Jewish daughter says to her mother, “I’m divorcing Nathan.” All he wants is sex, sex, and more sex. My vagina is now the size of a 50 – cent piece when it used to be the size of a…
How To Catch A Bear
A man in Michigan ‘s Upper Peninsula wakes up one morning to find a bear on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough..there’s an ad for “Up North Bear Removers.” He calls the number and…
America’s Smartest President
An airplane was about to crash; there were 5 passengers on board, but only 4 parachutes. The first passenger, Holly Madison said, “I have my own reality show and I am the smartest and prettiest woman at Playboy, so American’s…
Whatever You Give a Woman
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Must Love Seniors
During a visit to my doctor, I asked him, “How do you determine whether or not an older person should be put in an old age home?” “Well,” he said, “we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon,…
How in the World Did You Get There?
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Polish Sausage
Everyone seems to be in such a hurry to scream ‘prejudice’ these days…………….A customer asked, “In what aisle can I find the Polish sausage?” The clerk asks, “Are you Polish?” The guy, clearly offended, says, “Yes I am. But let…
Church Bells
Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent’s house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, “He had a…
Minnesotan Hunter
Lyle was hunting geese up in the Minnesota woods. He leaned the old 16 gauge against the corner of the blind to take a leak. As luck would have it, his foolish dog Ginger knocked the gun over, it went…
My Favorite Animal
Our teacher asked what my favorite animal was, and I said, “Fried chicken.” She said I wasn’t funny, but she couldn’t have been right, because everyone else laughed. My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried…
Spice It Up
A frustrated wife buys a pair of crotchless panties in an attempt to spice up her dead sex-life. She puts them on, together with a short skirt and sits on the sofa opposite her husband sipping a glass of wine.…
Love at 81
Maude and Claude, both 81, lived in The Villages, in Florida. They met at the singles club meeting and discovered over time that they enjoyed each others’ company. After several weeks of meeting for coffee, Claude asked Maude out for…
Hollywood Squares
Q.. Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat? A. Paul Lynde: Loneliness! (The audience laughed so long and so hard it took up almost 15 minutes of the show!) Q.. Do female frogs croak? A. Paul Lynde: If…
Deer Crossing
I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: “Too many deer are being hit by cars…
Liquor Store Robber
Arkansas: Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he’d just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head…
Record Store Robber
A pair of robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers. The first one shouted, “Nobody move!”. When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him. Related Posts Smart Ass New Store How to Call the Police When You’re…
The World’s Dumbest Bank Robbery
A man intent on robbing a downtown Bank of America walked into the branch and wrote the following note: “Put all your muny in this bag.” While standing in line and waiting to hand the note to the teller, he…