Category: Thoughts
Ninja Show Near Mie, Japan
Went to Mie, Japan to checkout a real life ninja show. This was pretty neat because I went to an actual ninja village and learned that the Mie ninja’s were good at the art of implanting a suggestion into a person’s mind in order to get them to do what they want. If I remember correctly, I think they were also good at alchemy and making smoke bombs so they can conceal their escape. It was a fun experience to see and I would certainly recommend it for others.
Related Posts
The Aisle Seat
Terrorists boarded a flight out of London. One took a window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat. Just before take-off, a Royal Marine sat down in the aisle seat. After take-off the Marine kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said ‘I need to get up and get a Coke.’
‘Don’t get up,’ said the Marine ‘I’m in the aisle seat, ‘I’ll get it for you.’
As soon as he left one of the Arabs picked up the Marine’s shoe and spat in it. When the Marine returned with the Coke, the other Arab said, ‘That looks good. I’d really like one too.’ Again, the Marine obligingly went to fetch it. While he was gone the other Arab picked up the Marine’s other shoe and spat in it. When the Marine returned they all sat back and enjoyed the flight. As the plane was landing the Marine slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened. He leaned over and asked his Arab neighbours, ‘Why does it have to be this way?’
‘How long must this go on? This fighting between our nations? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and pissing in Cokes?’
Related Posts
Curliest Hair
I had a big lead in a trivia competition at a local bar until the last question, which I got wrong. The question was where do women have the curliest hair? Fiji was the correct answer…hell, how did I know they wanted the name of a country?
Related Posts
You Could Have Heard a Pin Drop
Secretary of State, Dean Rusk, was in France in the early 60’s when DeGaulle decided to pull out of NATO.
DeGaulle said he wanted all US military out of France as soon as possible.
Rusk responded, “Does that include those who are buried here?”
DeGaulle did not respond.
You could have heard a pin drop.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When in England , at a fairly large conference, Colin Powell was asked by the Archbishop of Canterbury if our plans for Iraq were just an example of ’empire building’ by George Bush.
He answered by saying, “Over the years, the United States has sent many of its fine young men and women into great peril to fight for freedom beyond our borders. The only amount of land we have ever asked for in return is enough to bury those that did not return.”
You could have heard a pin drop.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
There was a conference in France where a number of international engineers were taking part, including French and American. During a break, one of the French engineers came back into the room saying, “Have you heard the latest dumb stunt Bush has done? He has sent an aircraft carrier to Indonesia to help the tsunami victims. What does he intend to do, bomb them?”
A Boeing engineer stood up and replied quietly: “Our carriers have three hospitals on board that can treat several hundred people; they are nuclear powered and can supply emergency electrical power to shore facilities; they have three cafeterias with the capacity to feed 3,000 people three meals a day, they can produce several thousand gallons of fresh water from sea water each day, and they carry half a dozen helicopters for use in transporting victims and injured to and from their flight deck. We have eleven such ships; how many does France have?”
You could have heard a pin drop.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A U.S. Navy Admiral was attending a naval conference that included Admirals from the U.S., English, Canadian, Australian and French Navies.
At a cocktail reception, he found himself standing with a large group of officers that included personnel from most of those countries.
Everyone was chatting away in English as they sipped their drinks, but a French admiral suddenly complained that, whereas Europeans learn many languages, Americans learn only English. He then asked, “Why is it that we always have to speak English in these conferences rather than speaking French?”
Without hesitating, the American Admiral replied, “Maybe it’s because the Brit’s, Canadians, Aussie’s and Americans arranged it so you wouldn’t have to speak German.”
You could have heard a pin drop.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Robert Whiting, an elderly gentleman of 83, arrived in Paris by plane. At French Customs, he took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry on.
“You have been to France before, monsieur?” the customs officer asked sarcastically.
Mr. Whiting admitted that he had been to France previously.
“Then you should know enough to have your passport ready.”
The American said, “The last time I was here, I didn’t have to show it.”
“Impossible.. Americans always have to show their passports on arrival in France!”
The American senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look. Then, he quietly explained, ”Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach on D-Day in 1944 to help liberate this country, I couldn’t find a single Frenchman to show a passport to.”
You could have heard a pin drop.
Related Posts
Interesting Questions – Oxymorons
1. Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?
2. Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?
3. If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?
4. If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?
5. Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack? [ MY Favorite ]
6. Why does “slow down” and “slow up” mean the same thing?
7. Why does “fat chance” and “slim chance” mean the same thing?
8. Why do “tug” boats push their barges?
9. Why do we sing “Take me out to the ball game” when we are already there?
10. Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
11. Why is it called “after dark” when it really is “after light”?
12. Doesn’t “expecting the unexpected” make the unexpected expected?
13. Why are a “wise man” and a “wise guy” opposites?
14. Why do “overlook” and “oversee” mean opposite things?
15. Why is “phonics” not spelled the way it sounds?
16. If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?
17. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
18. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
19. If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
20. Why is bra singular and panties plural?
21.. Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead?
22. Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?
23. How come abbreviated is such a long word?
24. Why do we wash bath towels? Aren’t we clean when we use them?
25. Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
26. Why do they call it a TV set when you only have one?
27. Christmas – What other time of the year do you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks?
28. Why do we drive on a parkway and park on a driveway?
Related Posts
Putin’s Speech on Feb. 04, 2013
This is one time our elected leaders should pay attention to the advice of Vladimir Putin…. how scary is that?
On February 4th, 2013, Vladimir Putin, the Russian president, addressed the Duma (Russian Parliament) and gave a speech about the tensions with minorities in Russia:
“In Russia live Russians. Any minority, from anywhere, if it wants to live in Russia, to work and eat in Russia, should speak Russian, and should respect the Russian laws. If they prefer Sharia Law, then we advise them to go to those places where that’s the state law. Russia does not need minorities, minorities need Russia and we will not grant them special privileges or try to change our laws to fit their desires, no matter how loud they yell ‘discrimination’. We better learn from the suicides of America, England, Holland and France, if we are to survive as a nation. The Russian customs and traditions are not compatible with the lack of culture or the primitive ways of most minorities. When this honorable legislative body thinks of creating new laws, it should have in mind the national interest first, observing that the minorities are not Russians.”
The politicians in the Duma gave Putin a five minute standing ovation.
Related Posts
British Papers Show No Mercy For President Obama
Marriage Counseling
A married couple goes to a marriage counselor to work out some problems. The counselor sits them down and says “Let’s start by talking about what you
both have in common.”
The husband says, “Well for starters, neither one of us will suck a dick.”
Related Posts
Famous Quotes
America is the only country where a significant proportion of the population believes that professional wrestling is real, but the moon landing was faked.
~ David Letterman
*****
I’m not a paranoid, deranged millionaire. Dammit! I’m a billionaire.
~ Howard Hughes
*****
After the game, the King and the pawn go into the same box.
~ Italian proverb
****
Men are like linoleum floors. Lay ’em right and you can walk all over them for thirty years.
~ Betsy Salkind
*****
The only reason that they say, ‘Women and children first’ is to test the strength of the lifeboats.
~ Jean Kerr
*****
I’ve been married to a communist and a fascist, and neither would take out the garbage.
~ Zsa Zsa Gabor
*****
You know you’re a redneck if your home has wheels and your car doesn’t.
~ Jeff Foxworthy
*****
When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.
~ Prince Philip
*****
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing.
~ Emo Philips.
*****
Wood burns faster when you have to cut and chop it yourself.
~ Harrison Ford
*****
The best cure for sea sickness is to sit under a tree.
~ Spike Milligan
*****
Lawyers believe that a man is innocent until proven broke.
~ Robin Hall
*****
Kill one man and you’re a murderer, kill a million and you’re a conqueror.
~ Jean Rostand.
*****
Having more money doesn’t make you happier. I have 50 million dollars but I’m just as happy as when I had 48 million.
~ Arnold Schwarzenegger.
*****
We are here on earth to do good unto others. What the others are here for, I have no idea.
~ W.H. Auden
*****
In hotel rooms I worry. I can’t be the only guy who sits on the furniture naked.
~ Jonathan Katz
*****
If life were fair, Elvis would still be alive today and all the impersonators would be dead.
~ Johnny Carson
*****
I don’t believe in astrology. I am a Sagittarius and we’re very skeptical.
~ Arthur C. Clarke
*****
Hollywood must be the only place on earth where you can be fired by a man wearing a Hawaiian shirt and a baseball cap.
~ Steve Martin
*****
Home cooking. Where many a man thinks his wife is.
~ Jimmy Durante
*****
As I hurtled through space, one thought kept crossing my mind – every part of this rocket was supplied by the lowest bidder.
~ John Glenn
*****
If toast always lands butter-side down and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat?
~ Steven Wright
*****
America is so advanced that even the chairs are electric.
~ Doug Hamwell
*****
The first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone.
~ George Roberts
*****
If God had intended us to fly, he would have made it easier to get to the airport.
~ Jonathan Winters
*****
I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.
~ Robert Benchley
Related Posts
Ad in a Vietnamese Newspaper
Fiscal Debt
Male Logic
A wife asks her husband, “Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk and if they have avocados, get 6.”
A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.
The wife asks him, “Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?”
He replied, “They had avocados.”
If you’re a woman, I’m sure you’re going back to read it again! Men will get it the first time.
Related Posts
Cowboy Tombstone
Here are the Five Rules for Men to Follow for a Happy Life that Russell J. Larsen had inscribed on his headstone in Logan , Utah . He died not knowing that he would win the “Coolest Headstone” contest.
FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW FOR A HAPPY LIFE:
1. It’s important to have a woman who helps at home, cooks from time to time, cleans up, and has a job.
2. It’s important to have a woman who can make you laugh.
3. It’s important to have a woman who you can trust, and doesn’t lie to you.
4. It’s important to have a woman who is good in bed, and likes to be with you.
5. It’s very, very important that these four women do not know each other or you could end up dead like me.
Related Posts
Where Did She Put the Case of Beer?
A Pilot Father’s Tough Love
Since I’m a pilot, one method that I have found very effective is for me to just take the child for a short flight during which I say nothing and give the child the opportunity to reflect on his or her behavior.
I don’t know whether it’s the steady vibration from the engines, or just the time away from any distractions such as TV, video games, computer, iPod, etc.
Either way, my kids usually calm down and stop misbehaving after our flight together. I believe that eye to eye contact during these sessions is an important element in achieving the desired results.
I’ve included a photo below of one of my sessions with my son, in case you would like to use the technique.
Should work with grandkids also.
Related Posts
The Penis Poem by Willie Nelson
My nookie days are over,
My pilot light is out.
What used to be my sex appeal,
Is now my water spout.
Time was when, on its own accord,
From my trousers it would spring.
But now I’ve got a full time job,
To find the f***in’ thing.
It used to be embarrassing,
The way it would behave.
For every single morning,
It would stand and watch me shave.
Now as old age approaches,
It sure gives me the blues.
To see it hang its little head,
And watch me tie my shoes!!
Related Posts
Never Under-estimate the Person Seated Next to You
A guy asked a girl in a university library: “Do you mind if I sit beside you?”
The girl replied with a loud voice: “I DON’T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!”
All the students in the library started staring at the guy; He was truly embarrassed.
After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy’s table and said:
“I study psychology and I know what a man is thinking. I guess you felt embarrassed, right?”
The guy then responded with a loud voice: “$500 FOR ONE NIGHT? THAT’S TOO MUCH!”
All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock.
The guy whispered in her ears: “I study law and I know how to make someone look guilty.”
Related Posts
Homeland Security: Grocery Store
There was a bit of confusion at the Local Jay C grocery store this morning.
When I was ready to pay for my groceries, the cashier said, “Strip down, facing me.”
Making a mental note to complain to my congressman about Homeland Security running amok, I did just as she had instructed.
When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided, I found out that she was referring to my credit card.
I have been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.
Related Posts
Thai Food – Neung Kapow
My favorite Thai food is a dish called, “Neung Kapow.” This is a very common dish that can be found all throughout Thailand. The dish is made with beef, basil, oyster sauce, fish sauce, chili peppers and it is put on top of rice. The first place I ever had this dish was in Nakhon Ratchasima (Korat), Thailand in 2000. Some places I’ve seen where they call it “Pad Kapow,” but usually they will throw a cooked egg on top of it. I don’t like that. I have also seen where, depending on the location, they will throw chopped up green beans or onions in it. No matter where it is being made each area has it own unique twist to it, but the it is relatively the same dish. I found a Thai restaurant in Japan that makes this dish and it tastes very good. Sometimes in Japan you need to be careful because they will take a Thai dish and change it to the tastes of Japan so it is kind of a fusion dish. I don’t like that at all. Keep Thai food, Thai food. At the location in Japan I would buy oyster sauce and order the dish. Here are a couple photos of what the food looks like and this is a good brand of the oyster sauce.