My girlfriend says she thinks that I might be a stalker. Well…she’s not exactly my girlfriend yet.
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My Wife is Dead
A man calls 911 and says “I think my wife is dead”.
The operator says, “How do you know?”
He says “The sex is about the same, but the ironing is piling up!”
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Little Johnny Doesn’t Need Anything
A teacher goes around her class asking each of the kids what do they need at home.
1st kid says “A computer”.
Teacher replies “That’d be very useful.”
2nd kid says “a new lawn mower” and gets a similar response.
Little Johnny pops up and says ” At my house we don’t need nothin.”
The teacher asks him to think again carefully as everybody needs something.
Little Johnny replies, “no I’m sure.”
“When my sister started going out with a Muslim, I remember my dad saying,
“Well, that’s the last damned thing we need.”
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December 10th, 2011 Lunar Eclipse Photos from Kanagawa, Japan
Cost of Living
The cost of living has now gotten so bad that my wife is having sex with me because she can’t afford batteries!
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Too Many Immigrants in Britain?
Question – Are there too many immigrants in Britain?
17% said yes;
11% said No;
72% said “I am not understanding the question please.”
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New Gym Equipment
Just been to the gym. They’ve got a new machine in. Could only use it for half an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s great though. It provides me with everything I need – KitKats, Mars Bars, Snickers, Potato Crisps, the lot.”
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Japan Funny Erasers
Stopped by a dollar store (100Yen) store and I found these funny erasers. I thought they were neat enough to snap some photos. Some of these are actually pretty neat. Here are the photos.
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Thrown Out of School
My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class give him a hand-job. I said “Son, that’s 3 schools this year! You’d better stop before you’re banned from teaching altogether.”
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Love the Hot Weather
The thing I love most about this hot weather is the short skirts and low cut tops….although, they do make me look a bit gay.
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Pedophile
Went to the pub with my girlfriend last night. Locals were shouting “pedophile!”and other names at me, just because my girlfriend is 21 and I’m 50. It completely spoiled our 10th anniversary.
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Penis Enlarger
The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers, so I did….she’s 21 and her name’s Lucy.
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Turned to Religion
I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair but, by turning to religion, I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing. I converted to Islam, and we’re stoning her in the morning!
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Story from a Kansas State Highway Patrol officer
Story from a Kansas State Highway Patrol officer:
I made a traffic stop on an elderly lady the other day for speeding on U.S. 166 Eastbound at Mile Marker 73 just East of Sedan, KS. I asked for her driver’s license, registration, and proof of insurance. The lady took out the required information and handed it to me. In with the cards I was somewhat surprised (due to her advanced age) to see she had a conceal carry permit. I looked at her and ask if she had a weapon in her possession at this time.
She responded that she indeed had a .45 automatic in her glove box. Something—body language, or the way she said it—made me want to ask if she had any other firearms. She did admit to also having a 9mm Glock in her center console. Now I had to ask one more time if that was all. She responded once again that she did have just one more, a .38 special in her purse. I then asked her what was she so afraid of.
She looked me right in the eye and said, “Not a fucking thing!”
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Husband Store
A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:
You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors & the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 – These men Have Jobs.
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 2 – These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
‘That’s nice,’ she thinks, ‘but I want more.’
So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 – These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.
‘Wow,’ she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 – These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.
‘Oh, mercy me!’ she exclaims, ‘I can hardly stand it!’
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 – These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 6 – You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
PLEASE NOTE:
To avoid gender bias charges, the store’s owner opened a New Wives store just across the street. The first floor has wives that love sex. The second floor has wives that love sex & have money & like beer. The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.
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Motivational Posters #7 (Meanwhile)
Sex Frogs
A blonde goes to her local pet store in search of an ‘exotic’ pet. As she looks about the store, she notices a box FULL of frogs. The sign says:
‘SEX FROGS’ Only $20 each! Come with ‘complete’ instructions.
The girl excitedly looks around to see if anybody’s watching her. She whispers softly to the man behind the counter, ‘I’ll TAKE one!’
As the man packages the frog, he quietly says to her, ‘Just follow the instructions!’
The blonde nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home. As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, she opens the instructions and reads them very carefully. She does EXACTLY what is specified:
1. Take a shower.
2. Splash on some nice perfume.
3. Slip into a very sexy nightie.
4. Crawl into bed and place the frog down beside you, and allow the frog to do what he has been trained to do.
She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and to her surprise…NOTHING happens! The blonde is very disappointed and quite upset at this point. She re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says, ‘If you have any problems or questions, please call the pet store.’
So, she calls the pet store. The man says, ‘I’ll be right over.’ Within minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell. The blonde welcomes him in and says, ‘See, I’ve done everything according to the instructions. The damn frog just SITS there!’
The man . . . looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares directly into its eyes and STERNLY says: LISTEN TO ME!! I’m only going to show you how to do this ONE MORE TIME!!!
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Yokohama Zoo
Went over to the Yokohama Zoo called Zoorasia to check out the different animals. Here are some of my photos from enjoying the day at the zoo.
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Distinction Between Guts and Balls
To those of you who are nit-pickers about the meaning of words: there is a medical distinction between Guts and Balls. We’ve all heard about people having Guts or Balls, but do you really know the difference between them?
In an effort to keep you informed, here are the definitions:
GUTS – is arriving home late, after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the Guts to ask, ‘Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?’
BALLS – is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, with lipstick on your collar, and slapping your wife on the butt and having the Balls to say, ‘You’re next, Chubby.’
I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.
Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome.
Both result in death.
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Miss Kentucky Holding a Teddy Bear
Note: This is the new Miss Kentucky.
The picture that will stay with her for the rest of her life:
Make-up and hair style ………………. $500
New dress for the show ………………$700
Giant stuffed bear ………………………. $300
Not knowing how to hold the bear with a microphone in her hand …..Priceless!!!