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Old Age
A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says, “I’m on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it’s today..”
The bartender says, “Well, since it’s your birthday, I’ll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me”
As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, “I would like to buy you a drink, too.”
The old woman says, “Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water.”
“Coming up,! ” says the bartender.
As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, “I would like to buy you one, too.”
The old woman says, “Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water.”
“Coming right up,” the bartender says.
As he gives her the drink, he says, “Ma’am, I’m dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?”
The old woman replies, “Sonny, when you’re my age, you’ve learned how to hold your liquor. Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue.”
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Marriage’s Most Popular Bedroom Move: The Begging Dog and the Sleeping Possum
It has been determined, the most used sexual position for married couples is the doggie position. The husband sits up and begs. The wife rolls over and plays dead.
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Redneck Birth Control
Signs That You May be Having a Bad Day
1.) You woke up in a strange place
2.) Your new diet doesn’t seem to be working
3.) You pulled a muscle while trying to exercise
4.) Your new hat looked better on you at the store
5.) You keep losing things
6.) You feel like you’re in the wrong place at the wrong time
7.) The boss chewed you out at work
8.) You got caught in the rain at lunchtime
9.) You get no respect
10.) You feel trapped somehow…
11.) Traffic on the way home was brutal
12.) You think you might be coming down with the flu
13.) You’re home alone and you hear a noise in the basement
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Great Ads
Chelsea Clinton
Chelsea Clinton recently discussed current events with a U.S. soldier.
She asked if, as an American fighting man, anything scared him.
He told her there were only three things he feared:
1) Osama
2) Obama
And
3) Yo Mama!
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What is a 710?
A few days ago I was having some work done at my local garage. A blonde came in and asked for a seven-hundred-ten.
We all looked at each other and another customer asked, “What is a seven-hundred-ten?”
She replied, “You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine, I have lost it and need a new one.” She said that she did not know exactly what it was, but this piece had always been there.
The mechanic gave her a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like.
She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710.
He then took her over to another car which had its hood up and asked “is there a 710 on this car?”
She pointed and said, “Of course, it’s right there.”
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Investment Tips for 2008
For all of you with any money left, be aware of the next expected mergers so that you can get in on the ground floor and make some BIG bucks. Watch for these consolidations in 2008.
1. Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W. R. Grace Co. Will merge and become: Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.
2. PolyGram Records, Warner Bros., and Zesta Crackers join forces and become: Poly, Warner Cracker.
3. 3M will merge with Goodyear and become: MMMGood.
4. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge and become: ZipAudiDoDa .
5. FedEx is expected to join its competitor, UPS, and become: FedUP.
6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become: Fairwell Honeychild.
7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become: PouponPants.
8. Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will become: Knott NOW!
9. Victoria ‘s Secret and Smith & Wesson will merge under the new name: TittyTittyBang Bang
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A Rotten Old Thing
It seems that there were twin brothers by the name of Jones, John and Joe. John was married and Joe was single. Joe was the proud owner of a dilapidated boat. It so happened that Joe’s boat sank on the same day that John’s wife died.
A few days later a kindly old lady met Joe on the street, and mistaking him for John said: “I was sorry to hear of your great loss, and you must feel terrible.”
Joe replied; ” Well, I am not a bit sorry. She was a rotten old thing from the start. Her bottom was all chewed up, and she smelled of old fish. The first time I got into her she made water faster that anything I ever saw. She had a crack and a pretty big hole in front that kept getting bigger and bigger every time that I used her. It got so I could handle her all right, but when someone else was using her she leaked like anything. This is what finished her off: Four guys from the other side of town came down looking for a good time. They asked if I could rent her to them. I warned them that she wasn’t so hot, but the crazy fools all tried to get into her at the same time. It was too much for her and she cracked right up the middle!”
The old lady fainted.
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And so the Story Goes!
The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, “Since you’ve been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is that you can hang out with anyone you want to in heaven.”
Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, “I want to hang out With God.” St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God
God recognized Arthur and commented, “Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley-Davidson motorcycle? ”
Arthur said, “Yeah, that’s me….”
God commented: “Well, what’s the big deal in inventing something that’s pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution and can’t run without a road?”
Arthur was apparently embarrassed, but finally spoke, “Excuse me, but aren’t you the inventor of woman?”
God said, ” Ah, yes.”
“Well, ” said Arthur, “professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention:
1. There’s too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds
3. Most rear ends are too soft and wobble too much
4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust
5. The maintenance costs are outrageous!!!!
“Hmmmmm, you may have some good points there,” replied God, “hold on.”
God went to his Celestial supercomputer, typed in a few words and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.
“Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed,” God said to Arthur, “but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours.
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Turkey
A game warden was driving down the road when he came upon a young boy carrying a wild turkey under his arm. He stopped and asked the boy, “Where did you get that turkey?”
The boy replied, “What turkey?”
The game warden said, “That turkey you’re carrying under your arm.”
The boy look down and said, “Well, lookee here, a turkey done roosted under my arm!”
The game warden said, “Now look, you know turkey season is closed, so what ever you do to that turkey, I’m going to do to you. If you break his leg, I’m gonna break your leg. If you break his wing, I’ll break your arm. Whatever you do to him, I’ll do to you. So, what are you gonna do with him?”
The little boy said, “I guess I’ll just kiss his ass and let him go!!
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Hot Date in Tennessee
A young Tennessee man goes to a drug store and says to the pharmacist:
‘I got a hot date tonight, an’ I need me some pertection. How much is a pack a’ them rubbers gonna cost me?’
The pharmacist responds: ‘A three-pack of condoms is $4.99 with tax.’
‘TACKS!’ the shocked redneck says. ‘Gawd a’mighty, don’t they stay on by themselves?
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iPod Touch
Today I received my brand new iPod touch. This is the 1st Apple iPod I actually bought. This version of the iPod touch is the 16GB model. It is pretty cool. I’m still learning and playing with the settings and syncing, but it definitely won’t take me long to figure everything out. The strange thing about this purchase was that I bought it on January 15th, 2008 and this product was shipped on the following path, in descending order.
Jan 21, 2008 4:50 PM Delivered
9:44 AM On FedEx vehicle for delivery HONOLULU, HI
9:40 AM At local FedEx facility HONOLULU, HI
Jan 19, 2008 8:18 PM At dest sort facility HONOLULU, HI
5:47 PM Departed FedEx location OAKLAND, CA
3:27 AM Arrived at FedEx location OAKLAND, CA
2:10 AM Departed FedEx location LOS ANGELES, CA
Jan 18, 2008 4:23 PM Departed FedEx location INDIANAPOLIS, IN
2:50 AM In transit INDIANAPOLIS, IN
7:47 AM Int’l shipment release INDIANAPOLIS, IN
1:28 AM Arrived at FedEx location INDIANAPOLIS, IN
Jan 17, 2008 2:32 PM Departed FedEx location ANCHORAGE, AK
12:33 PM Arrived at FedEx location ANCHORAGE, AK
Jan 18, 2008 3:01 AM Package data transmitted to FedEx
Jan 17, 2008 9:24 PM In transit SHANGHAI CN
11:27 AM Left origin KUNSHAN CN
11:14 AM Picked up KUNSHAN CN
Now talk about taking quite a journey just to get here. It was well worth the wait. This product is totally cool. Got to run for now, I have the urge to play with it some more.
