August 2014 – The Kumachan

2014 College Football Humor

Dave 2014-08-30

Urban Meyer on one of his players: “He doesn’t know the meaning of the word fear. In fact, I just saw his grades and he doesn’t know the meaning of a lot of words.”

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Why do Tennessee fans wear orange?
So they can dress that way for the game on Saturday go hunting on Sunday, and pick up trash on Monday.

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What does the average Alabama player get on his SATs?
Drool.

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How many Ohio State freshmen football players does it take to change a light bulb?
None. That’s a sophomore course.

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How did the Georgia football player die from drinking milk?
The cow fell on him.

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Two West Virginia football players were walking in the woods.
One of them said, “Look, a dead bird.”
The other looked up in the sky and said, “Where?”

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A Notre Dame University football player was almost killed yesterday in a tragic horseback-riding accident. He fell from a horse and was nearly trampled to death. Luckily, the manager of the Wal-Mart came out and unplugged the horse.

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What do you say to a Louisiana State University football player dressed in a three-piece suit?”
“Will the defendant please rise.”

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If three Florida State football players are in the same car, who is driving?
The police officer.

Beer!

Dave 2014-08-29

Chinese Winnie the Pooh Fired on the 1st Day

Dave 2014-08-28

How do you manage to get fired on the first day in a Winnie the Poo costume? By putting on your costume pants backwards.

Aircraft Maintenance Humor

Dave 2014-08-27

After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a’gripe sheet,’ which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
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P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
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P: Something loose in cockpit
S: Something tightened in cockpit
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P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
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P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
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P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
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P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
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P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That’s what friction locks are for.
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P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
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P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you’re right.
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P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
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P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.
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P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
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P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
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P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from the midget

A Positive Attitude

Dave 2014-08-23

He finally awoke from his coma, stiff as a board and in pain in the hospital’s ICU, with tubes up his nose & down his throat, wires monitoring every function and a gorgeous nurse hovering over him. It was obvious he’d been in a serious accident. She gave him a deep and steady heartfelt look straight in the eyes, and he heard her slowly say, “You may not feel anything from the waist down.”

He somehow managed to mumble in reply, “Can I feel your breasts, then?”

Now that’s a positive attitude!

Women Golf Pro Advantage

Dave 2014-08-20

Who says women pro golfers are at a disadvantage to men?
Michelle Wie – pro golfer.
Matching lavender outfit worth $2000.
New pair of French sunglasses worth $500.
NIKE products Endorsements worth $10,000,000.
That handy gadget to hold your putter …. Priceless!!!