Author's posts
One Smart Gator
Two alligators were sitting at the side of the swamp near Washington, DC. The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, “I cain”t unnerstand how you kin be so much bigger ”n me. We”re the same age, we wuz the same size as kids. I just don”t get it.” “Well,” said the big …
How To Avoid The Flu
Eat right! Make sure you get your daily dose of fruits and veggies. Take your vitamins and bump up your vitamin C. Get plenty of exercise because exercise helps build your immune system. Walk for at least an hour a day, go for a swim, take the stairs instead of the elevator, etc. Wash your …
2005 college football Hawaii vs Michigan State
In 2004, the University of Hawaii with their superstars of Timmy Chang and Chad Owens, beat Michigan State in Hawaii. For the 2005 season, Hawaii will have to find 30 new member replacements for their losses of players they suffered in 2004. This year Hawaii is going to Michigan. It will be nice to watch …
Happy Valentine’s Day!
Don’t forget to get that special someone something sweet or romantic today. In case you don’t have a special someone then perhaps you may need to buy a jar of vasoline or batteries, either way have a great day!
A Mother Suspects
Brian Hester invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the meal, Brian”s mother couldn”t help but keep noticing how beautiful Brian”s room mate, Stephanie, was. Mrs. Hester had long been suspicious of a relationship between Brian and Stephanie, and this had only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, …
President Bush’s Inaugural Speech Summary
This document will cover the key points of the 2005 presidential inaugural speech that was given by George W. Bush in January 2005. Within the Presidential speech you may or may not have heard key points that were a bit confusing. This document will try to mitigate any confusion by spelling it out in plain …
Confession
Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining a vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand in the weak light, tears running down her face. Her praying woke him from his slumber. He looked up, pale lips moving slightly. “Becky my darling,” he whispered. “Hush my love,” she said. “Rest, don”t talk.” He …
Patrols at Bagram Airfield
Patrols at Bagram airfield in Afghanistan can certainly be hazardous to your health. Be sure not to go off the beaten path the life you save could be your own.
Bad Day at Work
Rob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana. He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs. Below is an E-mail he sent to his sister. She then sent it to radio station 103.2 on FM dial in Ft. Wayne, Indiana, who was sponsoring a worst job experience contest. Needless to say, she …
When I Was a Kid
When I was a kid adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were when they were growing up; what with walking twenty-five miles to school every morning uphill both ways through year ”round blizzards carrying their younger siblings on their backs to their one-room schoolhouse where they …
Male or Female?
You may not know that many non-living things have a gender. For example: 1.) Ziploc Bags — They are Male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them. 2.) Copiers — They are Female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm them up again. It”s an effective reproductive …
Circle Flies
An old farmer was hauling a load of manure when he was stopped by a state trooper. “You were speeding,” the cop said. “I’m going to have to give you a ticket.” “Yep,” the farmer said as he watched the trooper shoo away several flies. “These flies sure are terrible,” the trooper complained. “Yep,” the …
Are they?
A man is lying in bed in a Catholic hospital with an oxygen mask over his mouth. A young auxiliary nurse appears to sponge his face and hands. “Nurse,” he mumbles from behind the mask, “Are my testicles black?” Embarrassed the young nurse replies, “I don”t know, I”m only here to wash your face and …
Rejection Line
In case you meet anybody who you don”t want to give your telephone number to, but you do anyway because you feel bad – try this instead: Rejection line: If you are a woman/man and are constantly approached by unattractive or undesirable women/men asking for your phone number, give them this number: Boston: 617-658-7083 New …
Apache Helicopters in Action
It is not advisable to be on the receiving end of one of these apache helicopters.
Black Hawk Helicopters in Action
Here are some Black Hawk helicopters in action over the skies in Iraq.
Stupid Statistics
If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee. (Hardly seems worth it.) If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb. (Now that”s more like it!) …
3 Certainties
The madam opened the brothel door to see a rather dignified, well-dressed good looking man in his late 60s or early 70s. “Can I help you?” she asked. “I want to see Natalie’ the man replied. “Sir, Natalie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else.” said the madam. “No. …
Poker Player
Two couples were playing poker one evening. John accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he couldn”t help but notice that Bill”s wife Sue”s, legs were spread wide and she wasn”t wearing any underwear! Shocked by this, John, upon trying to sit back up …
Napkins for a special occasion
My mother taught me to read when I was three years old (her first mistake). One day, I was in the bathroom and noticed one of the cabinet doors was ajar. I read the box in the cabinet. I then asked my mother why she was keeping ”napkins” in the bathroom. Didn”t they belong in …
Want to Curl Up and Die?
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, “How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?” I turned around and walked back out and never. My husband didn’t say a word, he knew better. Melinda Lowe, 39, Seguin, TX Pad, please! An …
Don’t Close the Blinds
The other day, my nine year old son wanted to know why we were at war. My husband looked at our son and then looked at me. My husband and I were in the Army during the Gulf War and we would be honored to serve and defend our Country again today. I knew that …
Quickies!
Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and values. Stu said, “I didn”t sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?” Leroy replied, “I”m not sure, What was her maiden name?———————————————————————-A little boy went up to his father and asked: “Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from?” The …
Roping
A young cowboy and cowgirl decided to get married. After the wedding they left for their honeymoon and while driving down the road, the new bride saw a bull and a cow having sex. She asks, “What are they doing honey?” He answers, “They are roping!” She replies, “Oh, I see.” They drive a few …
Signs You’ve Grown Up
1. Your house plants are alive, and you can”t smoke any of them. 2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question. 3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge. 4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed. 5. You hear your favorite song …
Government
A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, “Please be gentle; I’m still a virgin.” “What?” said the puzzled groom. “How can that be if you”ve been married ten times?” “Well, husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me …
Monica Lewinsky
Monica Lewinsky was looking at herself in a mirror. Her frustration over her lack of ability to lose weight was depressing her. In an act of desperation, she decided to call on God for help. “God…if you take away my love handles, I’ll devote my life to you,” she prayed. And just like that, her …
The Thimble
One day, a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river and her thimble fell into the river. When she cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, “Why are you crying?” The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the water and that she needed the thimble to help her husband in making …
Never Piss A Woman Off
A wife came home just in time to find her husband in bed with another woman. With super-human strength borne of fury, she dragged him down the stairs, out the back door, and into the tool shed in the back yard and put his penis in a vice. She then secured it tightly and removed …