Category: Humor

Humor

Strong Coffee

Dave

An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his advice on reviving her husband’s libido.

‘What about trying Viagra?’ asked the doctor.

‘Not a chance’, she said… ‘He won’t even take an aspirin.’

‘Not a problem,’ replied the doctor. ‘Give him an ‘Irish Viagra’…

‘What is Irish Viagra?’, she asked.

It’s when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won’t even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went..’

It was a week later when she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to her progress.

The poor dear exclaimed, ‘Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! T’was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!’

‘Really? What happened?’ asked the doctor.

‘Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped straight up, with a smile on his face, a twinkle in his eye and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arms, he sent me cups and saucers flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there passionately on the tabletop! T’was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!’

‘Why so terrible?’ asked the doctor, ‘Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn’t good?’

‘Freakin’ jaysus, it was the best sex I’ve had in 25 years! But sure as I’m sittin’ here, I’ll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again.

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Humor Thoughts

A Pilot Father’s Tough Love

Dave

Since I’m a pilot, one method that I have found very effective is for me to just take the child for a short flight during which I say nothing and give the child the opportunity to reflect on his or her behavior.

I don’t know whether it’s the steady vibration from the engines, or just the time away from any distractions such as TV, video games, computer, iPod, etc.

Either way, my kids usually calm down and stop misbehaving after our flight together. I believe that eye to eye contact during these sessions is an important element in achieving the desired results.

I’ve included a photo below of one of my sessions with my son, in case you would like to use the technique.

Should work with grandkids also.

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Humor Thoughts

The Penis Poem by Willie Nelson

Dave


My nookie days are over,
My pilot light is out.
What used to be my sex appeal,
Is now my water spout.
Time was when, on its own accord,
From my trousers it would spring.
But now I’ve got a full time job,
To find the f***in’ thing.
It used to be embarrassing,
The way it would behave.
For every single morning,
It would stand and watch me shave.
Now as old age approaches,
It sure gives me the blues.
To see it hang its little head,
And watch me tie my shoes!!

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Humor Travel

Are You From Ireland?

Dave

I was in a pub last Saturday night, drank quite a few, and noticed two very large women by the bar. They both had pretty strong accents, so I asked, “Hey, are you two ladies from Ireland?”

One of them snapped back saying, “It’s WALES , you friggin’ idiot!”

So, I immediately apologized and said, “I’m sorry. Are you two whales from Ireland?”

That’s pretty much the last thing I remember…

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Humor

Men

Dave

A man was granted two wishes by God, he asked for the best drink & the best woman ever. Next moment he got mineral water & Mother Teresa.

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There are 3 kinds of men in this world.
Some remain single and make wonders happen.
Some have girlfriends and see wonders happen.
Rest get married and wonder what happened!

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Wives are magicians. They can change anything into an argument.

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Why do women live a Better, Longer & Peaceful Life, as compared to men?
A very INTELLIGENT student replied: “Because Women don’t have a wife!”

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“Honey,” said this husband to his wife, “I invited a friend home for supper.”

“What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I haven’t been shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don’t feel like cooking a fancy meal!”

“I know all that”

Then why did you invite a friend for supper?”, “Because the poor fool’s thinking about getting married.” …..”

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COOL MESSAGE BY A WIFE:
Dear Mother-in-law, Don’t teach me how to handle my children. I am living with one of yours and he needs a lot of improvement!?

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I WILL THINK ABOUT IT:

When a married man says, I’ll think about it – what he really means is that he doesn’t know his wife’s opinion yet.

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TALKING IN SLEEP

A lady says to her doctor: “My husband has a habit of talking in his sleep! What should I give him to cure it?”
The doctor replies: “Give the poor man an opportunity to speak when he’s awake!

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Humor

Retirement Occupation

Dave

As we get older we sometimes begin to doubt our ability to “make a difference” in the world. It is at these times that our hopes are boosted by the remarkable achievements of other “seniors” who have found the courage to take on challenges that would make many of us wither.

Harold Schlumberg is such a person:

This is quoted from Harold:
“I’ve often been asked, ‘What do you do now that you’re retired?’ Well…I’m fortunate to have a chemical engineering background and one of the things I enjoy most is converting beer, wine and whisky into urine. It’s rewarding, uplifting, satisfying and fulfilling. I do it every day and I really enjoy it.”

Harold should be an inspiration to us all.

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Humor Thoughts

Never Under-estimate the Person Seated Next to You

Dave

A guy asked a girl in a university library: “Do you mind if I sit beside you?”
The girl replied with a loud voice: “I DON’T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!”

All the students in the library started staring at the guy; He was truly embarrassed.
After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy’s table and said:
“I study psychology and I know what a man is thinking. I guess you felt embarrassed, right?”
The guy then responded with a loud voice: “$500 FOR ONE NIGHT? THAT’S TOO MUCH!”

All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock.
The guy whispered in her ears: “I study law and I know how to make someone look guilty.”

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Humor

Colin the Brave

Dave

A rich man living in Balwyn decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbours.

He also invited Colin, the only aborigine in the neighborhood. He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion. Everyone was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating prawns, oysters from the BBQ and flirting..

At the height of the party, the host said, ‘I have a 15ft man-eating crocodile in my pool and I’ll give a million dollars to anyone who has the balls to jump in.’

The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash and everyone turned around and saw Colin in the pool fighting the croc, jabbing the croc in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, doing all kinds of stuff like head butts and chokeholds, biting the croc on the tail and flipping the croc through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor.

The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Colin and the croc were screaming and raising hell………… Finally Colin strangled the croc and let it float to the top like a dead goldfish.

Colin then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief.

The host says, ‘Well, Colin, I reckon I owe you a million dollars.’
‘Nah, you all right boss, I don’t want it,’ said Colin.

The rich man said, ‘Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet.
How about half a million bucks then?’
‘No thanks…. I don’t want it,’ answered Colin.

The host said, ‘Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?

Again, Colin said “No.”
Confused, the rich man asked, ‘Well Colin, then what do you want?

Colin said, ‘I want the bastard who pushed me in.’

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Government Humor

Vote Early and Often

Dave

If God wanted us to vote, he would have given us candidates. ~ Jay Leno

The problem with political jokes is they get elected. ~ Henry Cate, VII

We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office. ~ Aesop

If we got one-tenth of what was promised to us in these State of the Union speeches, there wouldn’t be any inducement to go to heaven. ~ Will Rogers

Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build a bridge even where there is no river. ~ Nikita Khrushchev

When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President; I’m beginning to believe it. ~ Clarence Darrow

Why pay money to have your family tree traced; go into politics and your opponents will do it for you. ~ Author unknown

Politicians are people who, when they see light at the end of the tunnel, go out and buy some more tunnel. ~ John Quinton

Politics is the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and campaign funds from the rich, by promising to protect each from the other. ~ Oscar Ameringer

I offer my opponents a bargain: if they will stop telling lies about us, I will stop telling the truth about them. ~ Adlai Stevenson, campaign speech, 1952

A politician is a fellow who will lay down your life for his country. ~ Tex Guinan

I have come to the conclusion that politics is too serious a matter to be left to the politicians. ~ Charles de Gaulle

Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it might be better to change the locks. ~ Doug Larson

There ought to be one day — just one — when there is open season on senators. ~ Will Rogers

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Humor Sports

Italian Solution

Dave

A Catholic priest, a doctor, a rich businessman , and an Italian Guy from New York were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers in front of them. The Italian Guy from New York fumed, ‘What’s with those frickin’ jerks? We’re waiting fifteen minutes between shots!’

The doctor chimed in, ‘I don’t know, but I’ve never seen such poor golf!’

The rich businessman called out, ‘Move it, time is money!’

The Catholic priest said, ‘Here comes the greens keeper. Let’s have a word with him. Excuse me, sir!’ said the priest, ‘What’s wrong with that group ahead of us? They’re rather slow, aren’t they?’

The greens keeper replied, ‘Oh, yes. That’s a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime.’ The group fell silent for a moment.

The Catholic priest said, ‘That’s so sad. I will say a special prayer for them tonight.’

The doctor said, ‘Good idea. I’m going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there’s anything that he might be able to do for them.’

The rich businessman replied, ‘I’ll donate $50,000 to the fire fighters union in honor of these brave souls!’

The Italian guy from New York said, ‘Why the f*** can’t they play at night?’

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Humor

Dentist Appointment

Dave

After an excitingly hot 69 position with his girlfriend, Jerry remembered he had a dentist appointment. He was afraid that the dentist would smell pussy on his breath so he brushed his teeth 7 times, used dental floss 8 times & on top of that gargled 1 litre of Listerine.

As he arrived at the dentist he sucked 2 strong mints. His turn came up & the dentist told him to take a seat. Feeling confident & relaxed, Jerry opened his mouth wide. The dentist got close enough & said, “Man, did you do 69 with your girlfriend before you came here?”

“Why?” Jerry asked, “Does my breath smell like pussy?”

“No,” the dentist replied, “but your forehead smells like shit.”

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Humor Sports

The Golf Nut

Dave

Ed and Nancy met while on a singles cruise and Ed fell head over heels for her. When they discovered they lived in the same city only a few miles apart Ed was ecstatic. He immediately started asking her out when they got home. Within a couple of weeks, Ed had taken Nancy to dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, movies, and museums. Ed became convinced that Nancy was indeed his soul mate and true love. Every date seemed better than the last.

On the one-month anniversary of their first dinner on the cruise ship, Ed took Nancy to a fine restaurant. While having cocktails and waiting for their salad, Ed said, “I guess you can tell I’m very much in love with you. I’d like a little serious talk before our relationship continues to the next stage. So, before I get a box out of my jacket and ask you a life changing question, it’s only fair to warn you, I’m a total golf nut. I play golf, I read about golf, I watch golf on TV. In short, I eat, sleep, and breathe golf. If that’s going to be a problem for us, you’d better say so now!”

Nancy took a deep breath and responded, “Ed, that certainly won’t be a problem. I love you as you are and I love golf too; but, since we’re being totally honest with each other, you need to know that for the last five years I’ve been a hooker.”

Ed said, “I bet it’s because you’re not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball.”

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