Today I was driving through Ocean Beach in San Diego, California and I saw a hippie van with a couple of hippies inside of it. I thought it was interesting enough to take a photo of. I can’t read everything, but I think the front of the van reads, “Feel the sun. Love the moon.”
Category: Thoughts
Donkey Kong is an A-hole!
Donkey Kong is an A-hole! I never knew I would have such strong feelings for a video game character, but I do. I hate him. I hate everything about him. I will show you some proof of why I think he’s an a-hole.
First off let me start by saying that only an a-hole would kidnap a princess. Then after the little plumber comes to save her, this jerk-off starts throwing barrels at him. What could be anymore of a dick thing to do than that?
This video clearly shows a prime example of Donkey Kong being a dick. For no reason what-so-ever DK, plows into metal Mario. He clearly wasn’t going for that loot. Then he looks back with a smile on his face. If I was there, I would punch him in his stupid face!
Look at his taunting move from Super Smash Bros Brawl. Let me start with that stupid tie. Only an a-hole would wear nothing, but a tie. Then he is so stupid he has his initials printed on it. Is his tongue sticking out? Who does he think he is…Michael Jordan? He deserves to get his face punched in for impersonating one of the greatest basketball players of all time.
Look at this cute little purple dragon and there is Donkey Kong getting ready to punch him. Clearly Donkey Kong knows there is a witness and yet he doesn’t care. He’s still going to sucker punch Spyro.
Here is another example of Donkey Kong showing he’s got anger issues. Yoshi is walking along and “Ka-pow” he gets punched in the face by this big, hairy, jerk.
Look at that expression on his face? Does any part of that scream happy? He obviously has all sorts of anger issues. Go see a doctor already.
Why would anyone flex like that? only a person who would kiss themselves in the mirror would do that. How conceited.
I truly hate everything about Donkey Kong!
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Inner Peace
If you can start the day without caffeine,
If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,
If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,
If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it,
If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time,
If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,
If you can conquer tension without medical help,
If you can relax without alcohol,
If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,
Then You Are Probably
The Family Dog!
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There’s Something You Don’t See Everyday
Today as I was driving home from work, I was stopped at a red light and I looked over and saw a dinosaur tied up in the back of a pickup truck. I thought to myself, “There’s something you don’t see everyday.” Then I took a quick photo and drove home.
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Texas Gun Control
Logical Law Student
A young law student, having failed his Law exam, goes up to his crusty old professor, who is renowned for his razor-sharp legal mind.
Student: “Sir, do you really understand everything about this subject?”
Professor: “Actually, I probably do. Otherwise I wouldn’t be a professor, would I?”
Student: “Okay. So I’d like to ask you a question. If you can give me the correct answer, I will accept my grade as it is. If you can’t give me the correct answer, however, you’ll give me an ‘A’.
Professor: “Hmmmm, all right. So what’s the question?”
Student: “What is legal but not logical, logical but not legal, and neither logical nor legal?”
The professor wracks his famous brain, but just can’t crack the answer. Finally he gives up and changes the student‘s failing mark into an ‘A’ as agreed, and the student goes away, very pleased.
The professor continues to wrack his brain over the question all afternoon, but still can’t get the answer. Finally he calls in a group of his brightest students and tells them he has a really, really tough question to answer . . . “What is legal but not logical, logical but not legal, and neither logical nor legal?”
To the professor’s surprise (and embarrassment), all the students immediately raise their hands.
“All right” says the professor, and asks his favorite student to answer . . .
“It’s quite easy, sir,” says the student. “You see, you are 75 years old and married to a 30-year old woman, which is legal, but not logical. Your wife has a 22-year old lover, which is logical, but not legal. And your wife‘s lover failed his exam, but you’ve just given him an ‘A’, which is neither legal, nor logical.”
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Glorious Insults From Famous People
These glorious insults are from an era before the English language got boiled down to 4-letter words.
“He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.” – Winston Churchill
A member of Parliament to Disraeli: “Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease.”
“That depends, Sir,” said Disraeli, “whether I embrace your policies or your mistress.”
“He had delusions of adequacy.” – Walter Kerr
“I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure.” – Clarence Darrow
“He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary.” – William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).
“Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I’ll waste no time reading it.” – Moses Hadas
“I didn’t attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.” – Mark Twain
“He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends..” – Oscar Wilde
“I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend, if you have one.” – George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill
“Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second …. If there is one.” – Winston Churchill, in response.
“I feel so miserable without you; it’s almost like having you here.” – Stephen Bishop
“He is a self-made man and worships his creator.” – John Bright
“I’ve just learned about his illness. Let’s hope it’s nothing trivial.” – Irvin S. Cobb
“He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others.” – Samuel Johnson
“He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up.” – Paul Keating
“In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily.” – Charles, Count Talleyrand
“He loves nature in spite of what it did to him.” – Forrest Tucker
“Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?” – Mark Twain
“His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.” – Mae West
“Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.” – Oscar Wilde
“He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts… For support rather than illumination.” – Andrew Lang (1844-1912)
“He has Van Gogh’s ear for music.” – Billy Wilder
“I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn’t it.” – Groucho Marx
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Suicide is Not the Answer
I was in Japan, between July 2008 – November 2014, there was a Captain in the Army that was stationed there during the same time. One year he brought his mother to the Christmas party where I had cooked Kalua pork. He was a nice guy, I never had any problems with him. He rode a little moped around the base and work some whacky shirts. We would communicate, share jokes through e-mail, and sometimes at work I would go over to his desk and talk with him for a while. You know nothing close, but somebody I knew from work and stayed in touch with. He was forced out of the United States Army as he was passed over for promotion a couple of times. I guess he really loved being in the Army because the news hit him pretty hard. After he got out he moved to San Diego and we stayed in touch. He would write to me and tell me how he’s surfing and he bought his mother a house in Las Vegas, he met a girl, etc. January 15th, 2014 I wrote him to let him know that I got my server working again since my server crashed and was down for a short term. I didn’t get a response back. So I just thought maybe he was traveling or busy. Then on January 20th, 2014 I received an e-mail from his mother telling me that Chris had committed suicide on January 18th. It was only 3 days after my last e-mail. In her letter she asked for me to be a conduit to get the word to others in the US Army who knew Chris. When I went into work and shared the news with others it was pretty sad. I couldn’t believe that somebody who was so happy was so devastated by being forced out of the Army that he took his own life.
This is what eats at me to this day. Six months after Chris committed suicide I received an assignment to San Diego, California. I actually arrived in San Diego in November of 2014. I’ve been here for a year and don’t know many people. I don’t really go out much unless it is to work or with my family. If Chris hadn’t committed suicide we would be able to hang out, we could check out the surf locations, or no matter what it was I’m sure we would have good times. It always makes me wonder about what could have been or what he would be doing today. Who knows? He certainly is missed. R.I.P. Captain Christopher Atencio.
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When You’re Over 60, Who Cares?
Cowboy: “Give me 3 packets of condoms, please.”
Cashier: “Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?”
Cowboy: “Nah.. She’s purty good lookin’…..”
When you are over sixty, who cares?
***********
I was talking to a girl in the bar last night. She said, “If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you’d look all right.”
I said, “If I did that, I’d be talking to your friends over there instead of you.”
When you are over sixty, who cares?
***********
I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her boobs.
“Really” she said, “Go on then…try.”
After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said, “Come on, what day was I born?”
I said, “Yesterday.”
When you are over sixty, who cares?
***********
I got caught taking a pee in the swimming pool today. The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.
When you are over sixty, who gives a shit
When you are over sixty, who cares?
***********
I went to the pub last night and saw a FAT chick dancing on a table. I said, “Good legs.”
The girl giggled and said, “Do you really think so.”
I said, “Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now.”
When you are over sixty, who cares?
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The Positive Side of Life
Famous Beer Quotes
“Long ago, when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today it’s called golf.” -Will Rogers
Sometimes, after playing golf, I reflect on all the beer I drink, I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn’t drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. I think, “It is better to drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver.”
-Babe Ruth
“I feel sorry for people who don’t drink. When they wake up in the morning, that’s as good as they’re going to feel all day.”
-Winston Churchill
“When I read about the evils of drinking after golfing I gave up reading.”
-Paul Horning
“24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not.”
-H. L. Mencken
“When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let’s all get drunk and go to heaven!”
–George Bernard Shaw
“Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.”
-Benjamin Franklin
“Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.”
-Dave Barry
BEER: HELPING PEOPLE!
-W. C. Fields
Remember “I” before “E,” except in Budweiser.
-Professor Irwin Corey
To some it’s a six-pack, to me it’s a Support Group. Salvation in a can!
-Leo Durocher
One night at Cheers, Cliff Clavin said to his buddy, Norm Peterson: “Well, ya see, Norm, it’s like this. A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members! In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine! That’s why you always feel smarter after a few beers.
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What Love Looks Like
Daily Factoids
Nine Important Facts To Remember As We Grow Older
#9. Death is the number 1 killer in the world.
#8. Life is sexually transmitted.
#7. Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
#6. Men have 2 motivations: hunger and sex, and they can’t tell them apart. If you see a gleam in his eyes, make him a sandwich.
#5. Give a person a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they won’t bother you for weeks, months, or maybe years.
#4. Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.
#3. All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
#2. In the ’60s, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird, and people take Prozac to make it normal.
#1. Life is like a jar of jalapeno peppers. What you do today may be a burning issue tomorrow.
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2016 United States Presidential Race Views
I’m an American trying to do my due diligence by paying attention to the political race that has been going on and when I look at the candidates this is what I see. Please be mindful that it is early and I haven’t had all the time in the world to research every candidate out there. I will let them filter each other out a bit, but so far these are the things I have seen.
Democrats:
Hilary Clinton – She was the secretary of state during the Benghazi attacks and did not support her ambassador in Libya at the time by providing more security when requested. She has never been held accountable for this and I personally think there is more to that story where they were running guns to the rebels through Benghazi, but I haven’t seen any real proof of that yet. She is under criminal investigation by the judicial branch, as she should be, and she is tight with Barrack Obama and wants to continue many of his terrible ideas. She had her own e-mail server and was conducting official government business on it and then she withheld e-mails an information. She obviously has something to hide and should not be trusted. She should not be allowed to possess a security clearance and this should prevent her from being a real candidate. She is out of touch with reality and quite frankly she belongs in jail. For some reason she is very slippery and seems to keep getting out of everything and from what I’ve seen it looks like this race is hers to lose. According to the polls does she have any real competition, other than herself, yet?
Bernie Sanders – Self-proclaimed socialist. He supports taking 90% of all of our income. I’ll just stop right there. The only question I have for him is what the heck are you doing in our country and working for our government?
Republicans:
Donald Trump – Successful businessman. Certainly possesses leadership qualities. Running by using his own money and therefore his vote should not be swayed by lobbyists. He’s arrogant and not very refined when he speaks, but he is a man of action and knows how to get things accomplished. He knows how to negotiate and he knows what it would take to support businesses and turn the economy around. His build a wall on the southern boarder idea is stupid. This is not Germany! I am very concerned that if he was president how many times would he open his mouth and offend or anger the allies of the United States or worse? I haven’t seen any real detailed ideas of how Trump intends to accomplish things, but I do feel he is the type of person who will select good people to surround himself with by selecting good cabinet members to get things accomplished.
Ben Carson – Successful brain surgeon. He seems to have a solid methodical way of looking at things and addressing things. He is refined and well thought out. He certainly has a good head on his shoulders. He might have some really good ideas of how to fix healthcare in the United States and propose something better than Obamacare. I don’t know how being a brain surgeon translates into a candidate for good foreign policy. I don’t know how brain surgery provides the experience for economic success.
Mike Huckabee – I’ve watched Mr. Huckabee on his Fox show for quite some time now and I like that he seems to have some common sense about him. He’s got experience as he was the governor of Arkansas. He wants to give the government a reality check and force it to start acting on behalf of the American people again. Honestly I don’t think he is going to go much further after the next debate, but I do like many of the things he says and some of the things he stands for.
Jeb Bush – Oh no! I think we need another Bush in office like we need a hole in our head. I haven’t seen any real substance from him other than he is bickering with Trump. He has stood behind and supported and defended his brother, as any good brother should. He was the governor of Florida, but spending doubled while he was governor. Recently he cut back his campaign staff which might show a sign that he doesn’t have money and needs more fundraising. If that is the case, his vote could be swayed by outside sources.
Now these are just a few candidates and things I have observed. When looking at these candidates I’m not seeing anybody with a military background or experience. Obama was a candidate with no experience and in my opinion he is the worst thing that has ever happened the United States. There is a long way to go and there are many other areas that I will be looking at when I observe the candidates, but for now have you seen something different from what I am seeing? Is my perception off or have I been seeing many of the same things that you have? Comments, feedback, and suggestions are very welcome. I look forward to any responses.
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Best Insurance Story of the Year
This actually took place in Charlotte, North Carolina.
A lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against, among other things, fire.
Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars, the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost ‘in a series of small fires.’
The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason, that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.
The lawyer sued and won!
(Stay with me.)
Delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company, in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable ‘fire’ and was obligated to pay the claim.
Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the cigars that perished in the ‘fires’.
Now for the best part…
After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!! With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.
This true story won First Place in last year’s Criminal Lawyers Award contest.
Only in America…no wonder the rest of the world thinks we’re nuts.
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Do Not Smack a Cop’s Horse
Be advised that it may be in your best interest to not smack a cop’s horse.
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Success
Growing up is a weird notion to wrap your mind around. As you go through life, your perspectives on almost everything will change. How you define success will change as well. Things that you thought were important at the age of 35 will be useless when you’re 65. You may not realize it now, but everything will shift.
At age 4 success is not peeing in your pants.
At age 12 success is having friends.
At age 16 success is having a drivers license.
At age 20 success is having sex.
At age 35 success is having money.
At age 50 success is having money.
At age 60 success is having sex.
At age 70 success is having a drivers license.
At age 75 success is having friends.
At age 80 success is not peeing in your pants.
It all comes full circle, whether you like it or not.
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Political Correctness
For the last six odd years, almost all of the things I wanted to write or say, have been stymied by that modern term referred to as ‘POLITICAL CORRECTNESS’.. Although I consider myself reasonably fluent in English, that term was not in my vocabulary. Curiosity got the better of me so I decided to do a little research, and after two weeks of chasing fruitless leads, I found what I’d been looking for at the Truman Library and Museum in Independence Missouri. An unnamed source there sent me copies of four telegrams between then-President Harry Truman and Gen Douglas MacArthur on the day before the actual signing of the WW2 Surrender Agreement in September 1945.. The contents of those four telegrams below are exactly as received at the end of the war – not a word has been added or deleted!
(1) Tokyo, Japan
0800-September 1,1945
To: President Harry S Truman
From: General D A MacArthur
Tomorrow we meet with those yellow-bellied bastards and sign the Surrender Documents, any last minute instructions?
(2) Washington, D C
1300-September 1, 1945
To: D A MacArthur
From: H S Truman
Congratulations, job well done, but you must tone down your obvious dislike of the Japanese when discussing the terms of the surrender with the press, because some of your remarks are fundamentally not politically correct!
(3) Tokyo, Japan
1630-September 1, 1945
To: H S Truman
From: D A MacArthur and C H Nimitz
Wilco Sir, but both Chester and I are somewhat confused, exactly what does the term politically correct mean?
(4) Washington, D C
2120-September 1, 1945
To: D A MacArthur/C H Nimitz
From: H S Truman
Political Correctness is a doctrine, recently fostered by a delusional, illogical minority and promoted by a sick mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a piece of shit by the clean end!
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The Coyote Principle
CALIFORNIA
– The Governor of California is jogging with his dog along a nature trail. A coyote jumps out and attacks the Governor’s dog, then bites the Governor.
-The Governor starts to intervene, but reflects upon the movie “Bambi” and then realizes he should stop because the coyote is only doing what is natural.
– He calls animal control. Animal Control captures the coyote and bills the state $200 testing it for diseases and $500 for relocating it.
– He calls a veterinarian. The vet collects the dead dog and bills the State $200 testing it for diseases.
– The Governor goes to hospital and spends $3,500 getting checked for diseases from the coyote and on getting his bite wound bandaged.
– The running trail gets shut down for 6 months while Fish & Game conducts a $100,000 survey to make sure the area is now free of dangerous animals.
– The Governor spends $50,000 in state funds implementing a “coyote awareness program” for residents of the area.
– The State Legislature spends $2 million to study how to better treat rabies and how to permanently eradicate the disease throughout the world.
– The Governor’s security agent is fired for not stopping the attack. The state spends $150,000 to hire and train a new agent with additional special training for the nature of coyotes.
– PETA protests the coyote’s relocation and files a $5 million suit against the state.
TEXAS
– The Governor of Texas is jogging with his dog along a nature trail. A coyote jumps out and attacks his dog.
– The Governor shoots the coyote with his state-issued pistol and keeps jogging. The Governor has spent $0.50 on a 0.45 ACP hollow point cartridge.
– The buzzards eat the dead coyote.
And that is why California is broke and Texas is not.