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There was a small church in North Carolina that had a very big-busted organist. Her breasts were so huge that they bounced and jiggled while she played the organ. Unfortunately, she distracted the congregation considerably.

The very proper church ladies were appalled. They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another Organist.

So, one of the ladies approached her very discreetly and told her to mash up some green persimmons and rub them on the nipples of her breasts and maybe they would shrink in size, but warned her to not eat any of the green persimmons, because they are so sour they will make your mouth pucker up and you won ‘t be able to talk properly for a while. She agreed to try it.

The following Sunday morning the minister got up in the pulpit and said…’Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol, we will not hath a thermon tewday.’

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He said to me… I don’t know why you wear a bra; you’ve got nothing to put in it?
I said to him… You wear pants don’t you?

He said to me… Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
I said to him… That’s a good idea – you stand by the stove & sink while I sit on the sofa and do nothing, but fart.

He said to me… What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
I said to him… Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

He said to me… How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
I said to him… I don’t know; it has never happened.

He said to me… Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and Good-looking?
I said to him…They already have boyfriends.

He said… What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
I said to him… A widow.

He said to me… Why are married women heavier than single women?
I said to him… Single women come home, see what’s in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what’s in bed and go to the fridge.

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The Montana Department of Employment, Division of Labor Standards claimed a small rancher was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to investigate him.

GOV’T AGENT: “I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them.”

RANCHER: ”Well, there’s my hired hand who’s been with me for 3 years I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board. Then there’s the mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night so he can cope with life. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally.”

GOV’T AGENT: “That’s the guy I want to talk to – the mentally challenged one.”

RANCHER: “That would be me.”

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A bald man with a wooden leg gets invited to a Halloween Party. He doesn’t know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg, So he writes to a costume company to explain his problem.

A few days later he received a parcel with the following note:

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a pirate’s outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and, with your wooden leg, you will be just right as a pirate.

Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.

The man thinks this is terrible because they have emphasized his wooden leg and so he writes a letter of complaint. A week goes by and he receives another parcel and a note, which says:

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a monk’s costume. The long robe will cover your Wooden leg and, with your bald head, you should really look the part.

Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.

Now the man is really upset since they have gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head, so again he writes the Company another nasty letter of complaint.

The next day he gets a small Parcel and a note, which reads:

Dear Sir,
We have TRIED our very BEST. Please find enclosed a bottle of molasses and a bag of crushed nuts. Pour the molasses over your bald head, pat on crushed nuts, stick your Wooden Leg up your ass and go as a caramel apple.

Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.

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A dog lover, whose dog was a female and “in heat,” agreed to look after her neighbors male dog while the neighbors were on vacation. She had a large house and believed that she could keep the two dogs apart.

However, as she was drifting off to sleep she heard awful howling and moaning sounds, rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together, in obvious pain and unable to disengage, as so frequently happens when dogs mate.

Unable to separate them, and perplexed as to what to do next, although it was late, she called the vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice.

Having explained the problem to him, the vet said, “Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs. I will call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and he will be able to withdraw.”

“Do you think that will work?” she asked.

“It just worked for me,” he replied!

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For all those men who say, Why buy a cow when you can get the milk for free. Here’s an update for you: Nowadays, 80% of women are against marriage, WHY? Because women realize it’s not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage.

Men are like….

1. Men are like Laxatives. They irritate the crap out of you.
2 Men are like Bananas . The older they get, the less firm they are.
3. Men are like Weather . Nothing can be done to change them.
4. Men are like Blenders You need one, but you’re not quite sure why.
5. Men are like Chocolate Bars .. Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.
6. Men are like Commercials . You can’t believe a word they say.
7. Men are like Department Stores … Their clothes are always 1/2 off!
8. Men are like ..Government Bonds …. They take soooooooo long to mature.
9. Men are like .. Mascara . They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
10. Men are like Popcorn . They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
11. Men are like Snowstorms . You never know when they’re coming, how many inches you’ll get or how long it will last.
12! . Men are like Lava Lamps .. Fun to look at, but not very bright.
13. Men are like Parking Spots All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.

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A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.

The wife said, ‘You should do it because you get up first, and then we don’t have to wait as long to get our coffee.

The husband said, ‘You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.’

Wife replies, ‘No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee.’

Husband replies, ‘I can’t believe that, show me.’

So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says. ‘HEBREWS’

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A man said to his wife one day, ‘I don’t know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.

‘The wife responded, ‘Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!

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A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, ‘Relatives of yours?’

‘Yep,’ the wife replied, ‘in-laws.’

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A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles. The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.

She says, confused, ‘Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?

He answers, ‘You see, it’s like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it’s sooo-ooo–oo-ooo much cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my own ……….so does she.

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While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication, Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor, ‘It is essential that husbands and wives know each other’s likes and dislikes.’

He addressed the man, ‘Can you name your wife’s favorite flower?’

Tom leaned over, touched his wife’s arm gently and whispered, ‘It’s Pillsbury, isn’t it?

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I know I’m not going to understand women. I’ll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider.

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‘Cash, check or charge?’ I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet , I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse. ‘So, do you always carry your TV remote?’ I asked.

‘No,’ she replied, ‘but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally..’

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She’s sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.

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