October 2011 archive

He said To Me!

He said to me… I don’t know why you wear a bra; you’ve got nothing to put in it? I said to him… You wear pants don’t you? He said to me… Shall we try swapping positions tonight? I said to him… That’s a good idea – you stand by the stove & sink while …

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Labor Standards

The Montana Department of Employment, Division of Labor Standards claimed a small rancher was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to investigate him. GOV’T AGENT: “I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them.” RANCHER: ”Well, there’s my hired hand who’s been with me for …

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Minnesota Vikings

The Minnesota Highway Patrol is cracking down on speeders heading into Minneapolis. For the first offense, they give you 2 Vikings tickets. If you get stopped a second time, they make you use them. Q. What do you call 47 millionaires around a TV watching the Super Bowl? A. The Minnesota Vikings Q. What do …

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Should You Have Kids?

Motivational Posters of Wisdom

Halloween Costume

A bald man with a wooden leg gets invited to a Halloween Party. He doesn’t know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg, So he writes to a costume company to explain his problem. A few days later he received a parcel with the following note: Dear Sir, Please find enclosed …

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Redneck Fire Alarm

Military Motivational Posters

Late Night Call to the Vet

A dog lover, whose dog was a female and “in heat,” agreed to look after her neighbors male dog while the neighbors were on vacation. She had a large house and believed that she could keep the two dogs apart. However, as she was drifting off to sleep she heard awful howling and moaning sounds, …

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For All The Man-haters: Why Buy the Pig

For all those men who say, Why buy a cow when you can get the milk for free. Here’s an update for you: Nowadays, 80% of women are against marriage, WHY? Because women realize it’s not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage. Men are like…. 1. Men are like Laxatives. …

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Who Does What

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning. The wife said, ‘You should do it because you get up first, and then we don’t have to wait as long to get our coffee. The husband said, ‘You are in charge of cooking around here and you …

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Creation

A man said to his wife one day, ‘I don’t know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time. ‘The wife responded, ‘Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!

It All Began With an iPhone

It all began with an iPhone…March was when our son celebrated his 17th birthday, and we got him an iPhone. He just loved it. Who wouldn’t? I celebrated my birthday in July, and my wife made me very happy when she bought me an iPad. Our daughter’s birthday was in August so we got her …

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Wife vs. Husband

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, ‘Relatives of yours?’ ‘Yep,’ the wife replied, ‘in-laws.’

Cigarettes and Tampons

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles. The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge …

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Marriage Seminar

While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication, Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor, ‘It is essential that husbands and wives know each other’s likes and dislikes.’ He addressed the man, ‘Can you name your wife’s favorite flower?’ Tom leaned over, touched his wife’s arm gently and whispered, ‘It’s Pillsbury, isn’t it?

A Man’s Perspective of Trying to Understand Women

I know I’m not going to understand women. I’ll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider.

Woman’s Revenge

‘Cash, check or charge?’ I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet , I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse. ‘So, do you always carry your TV remote?’ I asked. ‘No,’ she replied, ‘but my husband refused to come shopping with me, …

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Women’s Perfect Breakfast

She’s sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee. Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box. Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week. Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl. And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.

Amazing Holes

These holes are not only amazing, but some are really terrifying! The sheer scale of these holes reminds you of just how tiny we are. Kimberley Big Hole – South Africa Apparently the largest ever hand-dug excavation in the world, this 1097 meter deep mine yielded over 3 tons of diamonds before being closed. Glory …

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