Dave

I have been fortunate enough to travel the world. I enjoy sharing my thoughts, opinions, and experiences for everyone to see.

Author's posts

It All Began With an iPhone

It all began with an iPhone…March was when our son celebrated his 17th birthday, and we got him an iPhone. He just loved it. Who wouldn’t? I celebrated my birthday in July, and my wife made me very happy when she bought me an iPad. Our daughter’s birthday was in August so we got her …

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Wife vs. Husband

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, ‘Relatives of yours?’ ‘Yep,’ the wife replied, ‘in-laws.’

Cigarettes and Tampons

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles. The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge …

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Marriage Seminar

While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication, Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor, ‘It is essential that husbands and wives know each other’s likes and dislikes.’ He addressed the man, ‘Can you name your wife’s favorite flower?’ Tom leaned over, touched his wife’s arm gently and whispered, ‘It’s Pillsbury, isn’t it?

A Man’s Perspective of Trying to Understand Women

I know I’m not going to understand women. I’ll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider.

Woman’s Revenge

‘Cash, check or charge?’ I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet , I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse. ‘So, do you always carry your TV remote?’ I asked. ‘No,’ she replied, ‘but my husband refused to come shopping with me, …

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Women’s Perfect Breakfast

She’s sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee. Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box. Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week. Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl. And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.

Amazing Holes

These holes are not only amazing, but some are really terrifying! The sheer scale of these holes reminds you of just how tiny we are. Kimberley Big Hole – South Africa Apparently the largest ever hand-dug excavation in the world, this 1097 meter deep mine yielded over 3 tons of diamonds before being closed. Glory …

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Smile About Sex

Scottish Diplomacy

The following is a true bit of Scottish Diplomacy:……….One thing about blokes from Scotland is that their hearts and humour are always in the right place! Jimmy MacDonald, a City Councillor from Glasgow , was asked on a local live radio talk show just what he thought about the allegations of torture of suspected terrorists. …

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Wedding Party

At a wedding party recently someone yelled, “All the married men please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living.” The bartender was almost crushed to death.

SUV for his Birthday

Two old guys talking. One said to the other: “My 85th birthday yesterday. Wife gave me an SUV”. Other guy: “Wow, that’s amazing! Imagine, an SUV! What a great gift!” First guy: “Yup. Socks, Underwear and Viagra!”

The Taxi

– For young men, it’s a nice ass. The really observant will see the thong. – For older men, it is a respectable woman with a nice ass crossing the street. – The perverts will imagine her as a naked woman. – The wise men will ponder the presence of mind of the photographer in …

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Barack Obama Bingo

Rules for Bullshit Bingo: 1. Before Barrack Obama’s next televised speech, print your “Bullshit Bingo” 2. Check off the appropriate block when you hear one of those words/phrases. 3. When you get five blocks horizontally, vertically, or diagonally, stand up and shout “BULLSHIT!

Movies

My girlfriend says to me the other night: “How come we don’t make love like they do in the movies?” So I bent her over the table, slapped her on each ass cheek a dozen times, grabbed her by the hair and yanked her neck back so she’d be forced to watch me jackhammer her …

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New Orleans Finest Entrepreneur

Lets get the players straight before we go on with this. LARMONDO “FLAIR” ALLEN His Companion: Kawanner Armstrong His Sons: Christian Allen Kwan Allen Larmondo Allen, Jr. His Daughters: Deidra Allen Larmenshell Allen Lamonshea Allen Larmomdriel Allen Larmerja Allen Korevell Allen AT AGE 25 – He had 9 Children. (Could Kawanner Armstrong Possibly Be The …

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My Owner is an Idiot

European Plastic Bags

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How The Internet Started

In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot. And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com. And she said unto Abraham, …

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How to Save the Airlines

Dump the male flight attendants. No one wanted them in the first place. Replace all the female flight attendants with good-looking strippers! What the hell — They don’t even serve food anymore, so what’s the loss? The strippers would at least triple the alcohol sales and get a ‘party atmosphere’ going in the cabin. And, …

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Where did Piss Poor Come From?

They used to use urine to tan animal skins, so families used to all pee in a pot & then once a day it was taken & sold to the tannery… if you had to do this to survive you were “Piss Poor.” But worse than that were the really poor folk who couldn’t even …

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USMC Best Joke of the Year

A Marine squad was marching north of Fallujah when they came upon an Iraqi terrorist who was badly injured and unconscious. On the opposite side of the road was an American Marine in a similar but less serious state. The Marine was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both men, the …

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The Ostrich

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders. The man says, “A hamburger, fries and a coke,” and turns to the ostrich, “What’s yours?” “I’ll have the same,” says the ostrich. A short time later the waitress returns with the order. “That will be …

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Our Future Generation

Ideal Man For The Job

This guy would make an ideal politician and probably do a better job than any we have today. I hope he runs in 2012. At least he has what is needed in Washington …….

2011 Football Scouting Report

Wayfron P. Jackson: 6′ 6″, 215 lbs. Wide Receiver. Hottest prospect from Texas in the last ten years. Loves rap music. Will demand a mini-cassette in his helmet. Currently holds world record for the most “you knows” during an interview (62 in one minute). Wayfron can print his complete name. Signed with Tennessee. Quinticious Jenkins: …

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Tokyo Disneyland – Halloween 2011

Went to Tokyo Disneyland and had a spectacular time. It was really neat and a lot of fun. Disney sure is top notch. They pay attention to the smallest details. Here are some photos and a video of the experience.

They Sent My Census Form Back

In answer to the question, ‘Do you have any dependents?’, I put … ’12 million illegal immigrants, crack heads, unemployable bastards, the cast of The Jerry Springer Show, 140,000 people in our 133 penal establishments in California, leftovers from Katrina, half of Mexico, much of the Congress & staff, most of the Senate and a …

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Why Did Bernie Madoff Go To Prison?

Why did Bernie Madoff go to prison? To make it simple, he talked people into investing with him. Trouble was, he didn’t invest their money. As time rolled on he simply took the money from the new investors to pay off the old investors. Finally there were too many old investors and not enough money …

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Humor – Five Surgeons

Five surgeons having drinks together at a surgical convention exchanged opinions regarding their favorite patient types. The first, a Florida surgeon, said, “I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.” The second, a Michigan surgeon, responded, “Yeah, but you should try electricians. Everything inside …

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The Things I Owe My Parents

1. My Parents taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE . “If you’re going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning.” 2. My Parents taught me RELIGION. “You better pray that will come out of the carpet.” 3. My Parents taught me about TIME TRAVEL. “If you don’t straighten up, …

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Divorce vs Murder

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, “I would like to buy some cyanide.” The pharmacist asked, “Why in the world do you need cyanide?” The lady replied, “I need it to poison my husband.” The pharmacist’s eyes got big …

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Virginia Earth Quake Fault line

Just released by the White House Press Corp – Today, President Barack Obama re-named the fault line in Virginia where the recent earth quake struck, Bush’s Fault. No other details were given.

Looking for a Good Book

Confucius say, “If you are in a book store and cannot find the book for which you search, you are obviously in the…..

American History

The teacher said, “Let’s begin by reviewing some American History. Who said, ‘Give me Liberty, or give me Death’?” She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Little Hodiaki a bright foreign exchange student from Japan, who had his hand up: ‘Patrick Henry, 1775’he said. ‘Very good!’ Who said, ‘Government of the People, by …

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How a Bacon Cheeseburger is Made

This is how a bacon cheeseburger is made…this pic was sent to me by a high school friend of my wife. He owns a large meat company in Pennsylvania & he said that he heard it from his vet, so I know it’s true. Don’t bother checking Snopes.

Investment 101

If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Delta Airlines one year ago, you will have $49.00 today! If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in AIG one year ago, you will have $33.00 today. If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Lehman Brothers one year ago, you will have $0.00 today. But, if …

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Californians

So as not to be outdone by all the redneck, hillbilly, and Texan jokes, somebody had to come up with this: You know you’re from California if… 1. Your coworker has 8-body piercings and none are visible. 2. You make over $300,000 a year and still can’t afford to buy a house 3. You take …

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Mount Fuji Climb

I went on a Mount Fuji climb today and here are some photos I took of my adventure. As you can see in this photo there is still some snow on the mountain even July.

Where the Texas Longhorn Logo Came From….

Emma Watson – Nice pussy!

Penguins

Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica – where do they go? Wonder no more !!! It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life. The penguin is very committed to its family and will …

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Women

A real woman is a man’s best friend. She will never stand him up and never let him down. She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a bad day. She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do; to live without fear and forget regret. She …

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Brave Man Jokes

How do you turn a fox into an elephant? Marry It! What is the difference between a battery and a woman? A battery has a positive side. Why is the space between a woman’s breasts and her hips called a waist? Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there.. How do you …

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Spelling

Did you know “listen” and “silent” use the same letters? Do you know that the words “race car” spelled backwards still spells “race car”? And that “eat” is the only word that if you take the first letter and move it to the last, it spells its past tense “ate”? And have you noticed that …

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Would You Marry Again?

A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the Wife looks over at him and asks the question…. WIFE: “What would you do if I died? Would you get married Again?” HUSBAND: “Definitely not!” WIFE: “Why not? Don’t you like being married?” HUSBAND: “Of course I do..” WIFE: “Then why wouldn’t you …

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1895 8th Grade Final Exam

What it took to get an 8th grade education in 1895… Remember when grandparents and great-grandparents stated that they only had an 8th grade education? Well, check this out. Could any of us have passed the 8th grade in 1895? This is the eighth-grade final exam from 1895 in Salina , Kansas , USA . …

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Frower Garden

The other day I went to the store and I was looking for some grass seed. I came upon this sign and thought it was funny enough to take a photo of.

Awkward Moment

The awkward moment is when your friend’s “fat arm” makes you look naked.