Dave

I have been fortunate enough to travel the world. I enjoy sharing my thoughts, opinions, and experiences for everyone to see.

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Graveyard Service

The graveside service just barely finished, when there was a massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance…The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, ‘Well, she’s there.’

Bikini Shopping

While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband’s advice. ‘What do you think?’ I asked. ‘Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?’ ‘Better …

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Surgery

A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appears and asks him how he is feeling. ‘I’m O. K. but I didn’t like the four letter-words the doctor used in surgery,’ he answered. ‘What did he say,’ asked the nurse. ‘Oops!’

Now I Believe in Religion

Moe: ‘My wife got me to believe in religion.’ Joe: ‘Really?’ Moe: ‘Yeah. Until I married her I didn’t believe in Hell.’

Golf Gun

Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez. ‘How was he killed?’ asked one detective. ‘With a golf gun,’ the other detective replied. ‘A golf gun! What is a golf gun?’ ‘I don’t know. But it sure made a hole in Juan.’

Flight Time

A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, ‘Can you tell me how long it’ll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City?’ The agent replies, ‘Just a minute.’ ‘Thank you,’ the blonde says, and hangs up.

Redneck Murder

Two Reasons Why It’s So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder: 1. The DNA all matches. 2. There are no dental records.

Remove the Curse

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says, ‘Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.’ The old man says without hesitation, …

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Emergency Room

A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside, and said, ‘I don’t like the looks of your wife at all.’ ‘Me neither, doc,’ said the husband. ‘But she’s a great cook and really good with the kids.’

Divorce Court

‘Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,’the divorce Court Judge said, ‘And I’ve decided to give your wife $775 a week.’ ‘That’s very fair, your honor,’ the husband said. ‘And every now and then I’ll try to send her a few bucks myself.’

Intelligence

A little boy went up to his father and asked: ‘Dad, where did my intelligence come from?’ The father replied. ‘Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, ’cause I still have mine.’

Family Trends

Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and family values. Bill said, ‘I didn’t sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?’ Larry replied, ‘I’m not sure, what was her maiden name?’

Motivational Posters #8

The Devil and the Old Man

Big People Words

A group of kindergartners were trying very hard to become accustomed to the first grade. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on NO baby talk! You need to use ‘Big People words,’ she was always reminding them. She asked John what he had done over the weekend? ‘I went to visit …

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Mood Buttons You Can’t Wear to Work

First Time at the Spa

Home Security Yard Sign

A Frugal Person’s Christmas Decorations

Here is an actual sign posted at a golf club in Scotland UK:

1. BACK STRAIGHT, KNEES BENT, FEET SHOULDER WIDTH APART. 2. FORM A LOOSE GRIP. 3. KEEP YOUR HEAD DOWN! 4. AVOID A QUICK BACK SWING. 5. STAY OUT OF THE WATER. 6. TRY NOT TO HIT ANYONE. 7. IF YOU ARE TAKING TOO LONG, LET OTHERS GO AHEAD OF YOU. 8. DON’T STAND DIRECTLY IN …

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Thirsty Taliban

A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the oasis, only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand, selling ties. The Taliban asked, “Do you have water?” The Jewish man replied, …

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Proof That The World Is Nuts

In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death. (Like THAT makes sense!) In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman’s genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He …

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They Can’t Be At WalMart All the Time

Photo of a Wife

The old man goes to answer a knock at the door one evening only to find two sherrif deputy’s standing there. “Sir, are you married?” One deputy asked. “Why yes,” the old man replied “for 48 years.” “Do you have a photograph of your wife sir?” the second deputy questioned. The old man pulled a …

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Bar Scene

I was standing at the bar and this Chinese guy comes in and stands next to me….I said to him, “Do you know any of those martial arts things, like Kung-Fu, Karate or Ju-Jitsu?” He says “No, why the fluck you ask me dat, is it coz I Chinee”? “No”, I said…. “It’s because you’re …

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Red Cross

The Red Cross just knocked on my door and asked if we could contribute towards the floods in Pakistan. I said we’d love to, but our garden hose only reaches to the driveway.

New Clothing Shop

There’s a new Muslim clothing shop that opened in our shopping center, but they threw me out after I asked if I could look at some of the bomber jackets.

Apple Scrapped Their Plans for a New Product

I’ve heard that Apple has scrapped their plans for the new children’s-oriented iPod after realizing that “iTouch Kids” is not a good product name.

Prepare for the Worst

My wife has been missing a week now. The police said to prepare for the worst. So, I went down to Goodwill to get all of her clothes back.

Talking Behind My Back

A wife says to her husband “You’re always pushing me around and talking behind my back.” And he says “What do you expect? You’re in a wheelchair!”

Stalker

My girlfriend says she thinks that I might be a stalker. Well…she’s not exactly my girlfriend yet.

My Wife is Dead

A man calls 911 and says “I think my wife is dead”. The operator says, “How do you know?” He says “The sex is about the same, but the ironing is piling up!”

Little Johnny Doesn’t Need Anything

A teacher goes around her class asking each of the kids what do they need at home. 1st kid says “A computer”. Teacher replies “That’d be very useful.” 2nd kid says “a new lawn mower” and gets a similar response. Little Johnny pops up and says ” At my house we don’t need nothin.” The …

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December 10th, 2011 Lunar Eclipse Photos from Kanagawa, Japan

Cost of Living

The cost of living has now gotten so bad that my wife is having sex with me because she can’t afford batteries!

Too Many Immigrants in Britain?

Question – Are there too many immigrants in Britain? 17% said yes; 11% said No; 72% said “I am not understanding the question please.”

New Gym Equipment

Just been to the gym. They’ve got a new machine in. Could only use it for half an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s great though. It provides me with everything I need – KitKats, Mars Bars, Snickers, Potato Crisps, the lot.”

Japan Funny Erasers

Stopped by a dollar store (100Yen) store and I found these funny erasers. I thought they were neat enough to snap some photos. Some of these are actually pretty neat. Here are the photos. 7

Thrown Out of School

My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class give him a hand-job. I said “Son, that’s 3 schools this year! You’d better stop before you’re banned from teaching altogether.”

Love the Hot Weather

The thing I love most about this hot weather is the short skirts and low cut tops….although, they do make me look a bit gay.

Pedophile

Went to the pub with my girlfriend last night. Locals were shouting “pedophile!”and other names at me, just because my girlfriend is 21 and I’m 50. It completely spoiled our 10th anniversary.

Penis Enlarger

The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers, so I did….she’s 21 and her name’s Lucy.

Turned to Religion

I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair but, by turning to religion, I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing. I converted to Islam, and we’re stoning her in the morning!

Story from a Kansas State Highway Patrol officer

Story from a Kansas State Highway Patrol officer: I made a traffic stop on an elderly lady the other day for speeding on U.S. 166 Eastbound at Mile Marker 73 just East of Sedan, KS. I asked for her driver’s license, registration, and proof of insurance. The lady took out the required information and handed …

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Husband Store

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates: You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors & the value of the products increase as the …

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Motivational Posters #7 (Meanwhile)

Sex Frogs

A blonde goes to her local pet store in search of an ‘exotic’ pet. As she looks about the store, she notices a box FULL of frogs. The sign says: ‘SEX FROGS’ Only $20 each! Come with ‘complete’ instructions. The girl excitedly looks around to see if anybody’s watching her. She whispers softly to the …

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Yokohama Zoo

Went over to the Yokohama Zoo called Zoorasia to check out the different animals. Here are some of my photos from enjoying the day at the zoo.

Distinction Between Guts and Balls

To those of you who are nit-pickers about the meaning of words: there is a medical distinction between Guts and Balls. We’ve all heard about people having Guts or Balls, but do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, here are the definitions: GUTS – is arriving home …

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Miss Kentucky Holding a Teddy Bear

Note: This is the new Miss Kentucky. The picture that will stay with her for the rest of her life: Make-up and hair style ………………. $500 New dress for the show ………………$700 Giant stuffed bear ………………………. $300 Not knowing how to hold the bear with a microphone in her hand …..Priceless!!!