This is how a bacon cheeseburger is made…this pic was sent to me by a high school friend of my wife. He owns a large meat company in Pennsylvania & he said that he heard it from his vet, so I know it’s true. Don’t bother checking Snopes.
Category: Humor
Investment 101
If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Delta Airlines one year ago, you will have $49.00 today!
If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in AIG one year ago, you will have $33.00 today.
If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Lehman Brothers one year ago, you will have $0.00 today.
But, if you had purchased $1,000 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the aluminum cans for recycling refund, you will have received a $214.00.
Based on the above, the best current investment plan is to drink heavily & recycle. It is called the 401-Keg.
A recent study found that the average American walks about 900 miles a year. Another study found that Americans drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year. That means that, on average, Americans get about 41 miles to the gallon!
Makes you damned proud to be an American!!!
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Californians
So as not to be outdone by all the redneck, hillbilly, and Texan jokes, somebody had to come up with this:
You know you’re from California if…
1. Your coworker has 8-body piercings and none are visible.
2. You make over $300,000 a year and still can’t afford to buy a house
3. You take a bus and are shocked at two people carrying on a conversation in English.
4. Your child’s 3rd-grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, and is named Flower.
5. You can’t remember . . . is pot legal or illegal?
6. You’ve been to a baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm donor.
7. You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are grown, and you can taste the difference between Sumatran and Ethiopian.
8. You can’t remember . . . is pot legal or illegal?
9. A really great parking space can totally move you to tears.
10. Gas costs $1.00 per gallon more than anywhere else in the U.S
11. Unlike anywhere else in the world, the guy at 8:30 am at Starbucks wearing a baseball cap and sunglasses who looks like George Clooney really is George Clooney.
12. Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment.
13. You can’t remember . . . is pot legal or illegal?
14. It’s barely sprinkling rain and there’s a report on every news station: ‘STORM WATCH.’
15. You pass an elementary school playground and the children are all busy with their cell phones or pagers.
16. It’s barely sprinkling rain outside, so you leave for work an hour early to avoid all the weather-related accidents.
17. HEY!!!! Is pot legal or illegal?
18. Both you AND your dog have therapists, psychics, personal trainers and cosmetic surgeons.
19. The Terminator was your governor.
20. If you drive illegally, they take your driver’s license. If you’re in the United States illegally, they give you one …
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Emma Watson – Nice Pussy!
Penguins
Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica – where do they go? Wonder no more !!!
It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life. The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintaining a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.
If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into and buried. The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:
“Freeze a jolly good fellow”
“Freeze a jolly good fellow.”
Then they kick him in the ice hole.
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Women
A real woman is a man’s best friend.
She will never stand him up and never let him down.
She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a bad day.
She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do; to live without fear and forget regret.
She will enable him to express his deepest emotions, and give in to his most intimate desires.
She will make sure he always feels as though he’s the most handsome man in the room and will enable him to be the most confident, sexy, seductive and invincible…no wait…sorry… I’m thinking of whiskey. It’s whiskey that does all that shit. Nevermind.
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Brave Man Jokes
How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
Marry It!
What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.
Why is the space between a woman’s breasts and her hips called a waist?
Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there..
How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
Put a nipple on it.
Why do women fake orgasms ?
Because they think men care.
If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong?
Made her chain too long
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can’t even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It’s one of those ‘evolutionary things’ that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women can’t shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first ?
The dog, of course. He’ll shut up once you let him in.
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman’s sex drive by 90%..
It’s called a Wedding Cake.
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
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Spelling
Did you know “listen” and “silent” use the same letters?
Do you know that the words “race car” spelled backwards still spells “race car”?
And that “eat” is the only word that if you take the first letter and move it to the last, it spells its past tense “ate”?
And have you noticed that if you rearrange the letters in “illegal immigrants,” and add just a few more letters, it spells: “Go home you free-loading, benefit-grabbing, resource-sucking, baby-making, non-English-speaking jackasses and take those other hairy-faced, sandal-wearing, bomb-making, camel-riding, goat-loving, raggedy-ass bastards with you.”
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Would You Marry Again?
A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the Wife looks over at him and asks the question….
WIFE: “What would you do if I died? Would you get married Again?”
HUSBAND: “Definitely not!”
WIFE: “Why not? Don’t you like being married?”
HUSBAND: “Of course I do..”
WIFE: “Then why wouldn’t you remarry? ”
HUSBAND: “Okay, okay, I’d get married again.”
WIFE: “You would?” (with a hurt look)
HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)
WIFE: “Would you live in our house?”
HUSBAND: “Sure, it’s a great house.”
WIFE: “Would you sleep with her in our bed?”
HUSBAND: “Where else would we sleep?”
WIFE: “Would you let her drive my car?”
HUSBAND: “Probably, it is almost new.”
WIFE: “Would you replace my pictures with hers?”
HUSBAND: “That would seem like the proper thing to do.”
WIFE: “Would you give her my jewelry?”
HUSBAND: “No, I’m sure she’d want her own.”
WIFE: “Would you take her golfing with you?
HUSBAND: “Yes, those are always good times.”
WIFE: “Would she use my clubs?
HUSBAND: “No, she’s left-handed.”
WIFE: — silence —
HUSBAND: “shit.”
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Frower Garden
The other day I went to the store and I was looking for some grass seed. I came upon this sign and thought it was funny enough to take a photo of.
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Awkward Moment
The awkward moment is when your friend’s “fat arm” makes you look naked.
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Stupid Men at Work
The Worlds Shortest Psychiatric Joke
A man walks into a psychiatrist’s office, wearing only underwear made of Saran Wrap……
The psychiatrist says, “Well, I can clearly see your nuts.”
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Paraprosdokian
I had to look up “paraprosdokian.” Here is the definition: “Figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently used in a humorous situation.” “Where there’s a will, I want to be in it,” is a type of paraprosdokian.
1. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on my list.
3. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
4. If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong.
5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
6. War does not determine who is right – only who is left.
7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
8. Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good Evening,’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
9. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
10. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.
11. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks.
12. Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says, ‘In case of emergency, notify:’ I put ‘DOCTOR.’
13. I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
14. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
15. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
16. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.
17. I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
18. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
19. Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
20. There’s a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can’t get away.
21. I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not so sure.
22. You’re never too old to learn something stupid.
23. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
24. Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.
25. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
26. Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
27. A diplomat is someone who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you look forward to the trip.
28. Hospitality is making your guests feel at home even when you wish they were.
29. I always take life with a grain of salt. Plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila.
30. When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
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Let’s Offend Everyone
– I had just come out of the shop with a meat and potato pie, large chips, mushy peas & a jumbo sausage roll. A poor homeless man sat there and said ‘I’ve not eaten for two days’ I told him ‘I wish I had your f**king will power’.
– I got fired on my first day as a male masseuse today. Apparently the instruction ‘finish off on her face’ didn’t mean what I thought it did.
– I took my Biology exam last Friday. I was asked to name two things commonly found in cells. Apparently “Blacks” and “Paki’s” was not the correct answer.
– A fat girl served me food in McDonald’s at lunch time. She said ‘sorry about the wait.’ I said ‘don’t worry fatty, you’re bound to lose it eventually ‘
– I walked past an abo kid sitting at a Bus Stop as I came out of the Bank. He looked at me and said ‘Any Change’ I said ‘Nope! You’re still Black’
– Snow in the forecast! The TV weather gal said she was expecting 8 inches tonight. I thought to myself “fat chance with a face like that!”
– An Irish boy stands crying at the side of the road. A man asks ‘What is wrong’?? The boy says ‘Me ma is dead’ ‘Oh bejaysus’ the man says ‘Do you want me to call Father O’Riley for you’?? The boy replies ‘No tanks mister, Sex is the last ting on my moind at the moment’.
– I have a new pick up line that works every time. It doesn’t matter how gorgeous or out of my league a woman might be, this line is a winner & I always end up in bed with them. Here’s how it goes ‘Excuse me love, could I ask your opinion? Does this damp cloth smell like chloroform to you?’
– Years ago it was suggested that an apple a day kept the doctor away. But since all the doctors are now Muslim, I’ve found that a bacon sandwich works best!
– Japanese scientists have now created a camera with such an immense shutter speed that it is now possible to take a photograph of a woman with her mouth closed.
– I hate all this terrorist business. I used to love the days when you could look at an unattended bag on a train or bus and think to yourself ‘I’m having that’
– Man in a hot air balloon is lost over Ireland. He looks down and sees a farmer in the fields and shouts to him ‘Where am I?’ The Irish farmer looks back up and shouts back ‘Ya canna kid me ya flash bastard. You’re in that feckin basket.’
– I had a Trivia competition shot to pieces until the last question which I got wrong. The question was “Where do women have the curliest hair”?? The answer I should have given was “Fiji”
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Bumper Sticker
If you voted for Obama in 2008 to prove you’re not a racist, vote for someone else in 2012 to prove you’re not an idiot.
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Little Girl on a Plane
An atheist was seated next to a little girl on an airplane and he turned to her and said, “Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.”
The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger, “What would you want to talk about?”
“Oh, I don’t know,” said the atheist. “How about why there is no God, or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after death?” as he smiled smugly.
“OK,” she said. “Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff – grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?”
The atheist, visibly surprised by the little girl’s intelligence, thinks about it and says, “Hmmm, I have no idea.”
To which the little girl replies, “Do you really feel qualified to discuss why there is no God, or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after death, when you don’t know crap?”
And then she went back to reading her book.