Category: Humor
Mayo Clinic Test
Facial expressions are an important part of the respected Mayo Clinic psychometric test. In the following pictures you see women with a range of facial expressions. Study the expressions, and try to imagine what single act each is experiencing.
Answer: They are all about to sneeze.
What were you thinking?
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Thirsty Nuns
While shopping in a food store, two nuns happened to pass by the beer cooler. One nun said to the other, “Wouldn’t a nice cool beer or two taste wonderful on a hot summer evening?”
The second nun answered, “Indeed it would Sister, but I wouldn’t feel comfortable buying beer as I am certain that it would cause a scene at the check-out counter.”
“I can handle that without a problem,” she replied as she picked up a six-pack and headed for the check-out.
The cashier had a surprised look on his face when the two nuns arrived with a six-pack of beer.
“We use beer for washing our hair,” the nun said, “A shampoo, of sorts, if you will.”
Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the counter, pulled out a package of pretzel sticks and placed them in the bag with the beer. He then looked the nun straight in the eye, smiled and said, “The curlers are on the house.”
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Driving and Shaving Don’t Mix
Margarita Lady
And they say there are no new business ideas? Lady Selling Margaritas on the Beach in a novel container. She charges $10 a minute. 10 minutes=$100 Reportedly she is clearing $1250.00 per day…
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White House Situation Room
California vs Texas: What To Do About An Attack By A Wild Coyote
California:
The Governor of California is jogging with his dog along a nature trail. A coyote jumps out and attacks the Governor’s dog, then bites the Governor.
- The Governor starts to intervene, but reflects upon the movie “Bambi” and then realizes he should stop because the coyote is only doing what is natural.
- He calls animal control. Animal Control captures the coyote and bills the State $200 for testing it for diseases and $500 for relocating it.
- He calls a veterinarian. The vet collects the dead dog and bills the State $200 for testing it for diseases.
- The Governor goes to a hospital and spends $3,500 getting checked for diseases from the coyote and having his bite wound bandaged.
- The running trail gets shut down for six months while Fish & Game conducts a $100,000 survey to make sure the area is now free of dangerous animals.
- The Governor spends $50,000 in state funds implementing a “coyote awareness program” for residents of the area.
- The State Legislature spends $2 million to study how to better treat rabies and how to permanently eradicate the disease throughout the world.
- The Governor’s security agent is fired for not stopping the attack. The State spends $150,000 to hire and train a new agent with additional special training regarding the nature of coyotes.
- PETA protests the coyote’s relocation and files a $5 million lawsuit against the State.
Texas:
The Governor of Texas is jogging with his dog along a nature trail. A coyote jumps out and attacks his dog.
- The Governor shoots the coyote with his state-issued pistol and keeps jogging. The Governor has spent $0.50 on a .45 ACP hollow-point cartridge.
- The buzzards eat the dead coyote.
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The Hillbilly Vasectomy
After their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed.
So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn’t want to have any more children.
The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. ‘A less costly alternative,’ said the doctor, ‘is to go home, get a cherry bomb, (fireworks are legal in Alabama) light it, put it in an empty beer can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10.’
The Alabamian said to the doctor, ‘I may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but I don’t see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me.’
‘Trust me,’ said the doctor.
So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count!
‘1’
‘2’
‘3’
‘4’
‘5’
At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and continued counting on his other hand.
This procedure also works in Tennessee, Kentucky, Louisiana, Arkansas, Mississippi, Missouri and West Virginia
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AFLAC Scam
Police say that the gang usually is comprised of four members, one adult and three younger ones.
While the three younger ones, all appearing sweet and innocent, divert their ‘mark’ (or intended target) with a show of friendliness , the fourth –the eldest– sneaks in from behind the person’s back to expertly rifle through his or her pocket or purse for any valuables.
Be on the alert!! Scroll down to see photo of how it works.
This is being called the AFLAC Scam .
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The Day My Car Accident Turned Into a Disney-Level Disaster
I rear-ended a car this morning…the start of a REALLY bad day! The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!! He looked up at me and said ‘I am NOT Happy!’
So I said, ‘Well, which one ARE you then?’
That’s how the fight started.
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Compliment
My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to me, “I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.’
I replied, “Your eyesight’s damn near perfect.”
And then the fight started……..
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Approved by Chest Hair
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver’s License to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, ‘Unbutton your shirt’.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, ‘That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me’ and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, ‘You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too.’
And then the fight started…
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Anniversary Gift
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, “I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.”
I bought her a bathroom scale.
And then the fight started…….
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Bad Weather
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife’s back; now with a different anticipation, and whispered, “The weather out there is terrible.”
My loving wife of 5 years replied, “And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?”
And that’s how the fight started…
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What’s on T.V.?
My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, “What’s on TV?”
I said, “Dust.”
And then the fight started…
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Procrastinating
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn’t run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer.. Always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, “When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway.”
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
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High School Reunion
My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, “Do you know him?”
“Yes”, she sighed, “He’s my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn’t been sober since.”
“My God!” I said, “Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?”
And then the fight started…
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Mad Cow
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
“I’ll have the rump steak, rare, please.”
He said, “Aren’t you worried about the mad cow?”
“Nah, she can order for herself.”
And that’s when the fight started…..
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Who Wants To Be a Millionaire
My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, ‘Do you want to have Sex?’
‘No,’ she answered. I then said, ‘Is that your final answer?’
She didn’t even look at me this time, simply saying, ‘Yes..’
So I said, “Then I’d like to phone a friend.”
And that’s when the fight started…
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Christmas Gift
One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift…The next year, I didn’t buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied, “Well, you still haven’t used the gift I bought you last year!”
And that’s how the fight started…..