Category: Humor

Our teacher asked us what our favorite animal was, and I said, “Fried chicken.”

She said I wasn’t funny, but she couldn’t have been right, because everyone else in the class laughed.

My parents told me to always be truthful and honest, and I am. Fried chicken is my favorite animal. I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much. I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal’s office. I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again. The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was. I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, just like she’d asked the other children. So I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken. She sent me back to the principal’s office again. He laughed, and told me not to do it again. I don’t understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn’t like it when I am. Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admire most.

I told her, “Colonel Sanders.” Guess where I am now…

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**Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better! For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time the Rodeo comes to town. It takes up a major portion of the parking lot at the Astrodome. The notes are from an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting Texas from the East.

Frank: “Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge’s table asking for directions to the Budweiser truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn’t be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, So I accepted.”

Here are the scorecards from the event:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Chili # 1 Mike’s Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Judge # 1 — A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

Judge # 2 — Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild

Judge # 3 — (Frank) Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that’s the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Chili # 2 Arthur’s Afterburner Chili
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Judge # 1 — Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.

Judge # 2 — Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

Judge # 3 — Keep this out of the reach of children. I’m not sure what I’m supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Chili # 3 Fred’s Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Judge # 1 — Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.

Judge # 2 — A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.

Judge # 3 — Call the EPA. I’ve located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I’m getting shit-faced from all of the beer.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Chili # 4 Bubba’s Black Magic
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Judge # 1 — Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

Judge # 2 — Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.

Judge # 3 — I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out tastebuds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb. bitch is starting to look HOT…just like this nuclear waste I’m eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Chili #5 — Linda’s Legal Lip Remover
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Judge # 1 — Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

Judge # 2 — Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

Judge # 3 — My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my to tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I’m burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Chili # 6 Vera’s Very Vegetarian Variety
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Judge # 1 — Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.

Judge # 2 — The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.

Judge # 3 — My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I shit myself when I farted and I’m worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can’t feel my lips anymore.I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Chili # 7 Susan’s Screaming Sensation Chili
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Judge # 1 — A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

Judge # 2 — Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3.

Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably. You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn’t feel a thing. I’ve lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava like shit to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they’ll know what killed me. I’ve decided to stop breathing, its too painful. Screw it, I’m not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I’ll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Chili # 8 Tommy’s Toe-Nail Curling Chili
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Judge # 1 — The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold
but spicy enough to declare its existence.

Judge # 2 — This final entry is a good, balance chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when

Judge # 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he’s going to make it. Poor dude, wonder how he’d have reacted to really hot chili.

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In the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy. Do something she likes and you get points. Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted. You don’t get any points for doing something she expects. Sorry, that’s the way the game is played.

Here is a guide to the point system:

SIMPLE DUTIES
You make the bed (+1)
You make the bed, but forget the decorative pillow (0)
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets (-1)
You go out to buy her what she wants (+5) in the rain (+8)
But return with Beer (-5)
You check out a suspicious noise at night (+1)
You check out a suspicious noise, and it is nothing (0)
You check out a suspicious noise and it is something (+5)
You pummel it with iron rod (+10)
It’s her pet (-20)

SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS
You stay by her side the entire party (0)
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with an old school friend (-2)
Named Tina (-10)
Tina is a dancer (-20)
Tina has silicone implants (-80)

HER BIRTHDAY
You take her out to dinner (+2)
You take her out to dinner and it’s not a sports bar (+3)
Okay, it’s a sports bar (-2)
And it’s all-you-can-eat night (-3)
It’s a sports bar, it’s all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team (-10)

A NIGHT OUT
You take her to a movie (+1)
You take her to a movie she likes (+3)
You take her to a movie you hate (+6)
You take her to a movie you like (-2)
It’s called ‘Death Cop’ (-3)
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans (-15)

YOUR PHYSIQUE
You develop a noticeable potbelly (-15)
You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it (+10)
You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to baggy jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts (-30)
You say, “It doesn’t matter, you have one too.” (-8000)

THE BIG QUESTION
She asks, “Do I look fat?” (-5) (Yes, you lose points no matter what)
You hesitate in responding (-10)
You reply, “Where?” (-35)
Any other response (-200)

COMMUNICATION
When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a conc erned expression (0)
You listen, for over 30 minutes (+50)
You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV (+500)
She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep (-4000)

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A real woman is a man’s best friend. She will never stand him up and never let him down. She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a bad day.

She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do; to live without fear and forget regret. She will enable him to express his deepest emotions and give in to his most intimate desires. She will make sure he always feels as though he’s the most handsome man in the room and will enable him to be the most confident, sexy, seductive and invincible…

No wait… Sorry.. I’m thinking of whiskey. It’s whiskey that does all that shit. Never mind.

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An Alabama preacher said to his congregation, “Someone in this congregation has spread a rumour that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian Family.”

No one moved. The preacher continued, “Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression.”

Again all was quiet.

Then slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop traffic rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, “Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets.”

The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation roared.

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When I bought my Blackberry I thought about the 30-year business I ran with 1800 employees, all without a cell phone that plays music, takes videos, pictures and communicates with Facebook and Twitter. I signed up under duress for Twitter and Facebook, so my seven kids, their spouses, 13 grandkids and 2 great grand kids could communicate with me in the modern way. I figured I could handle something as simple as Twitter with only 140 characters of space.

That was before one of my grandkids hooked me up for Tweeter, Tweetree, Twhirl, Twitterfon, Tweetie and Twittererific Tweetdeck, Twitpix and something that sends every message to my cell phone and ev ery other program within the texting world.

My phone was beeping every three minutes with the details of everything except the bowel movements of the entire next generation. I am not ready to live like this. I keep m y cell phone in the garage in my golf bag.

The kids bought me a GPS for my last birthday because they say I get lost every now and then going over to the grocery store or library. I keep that in a box under my tool bench with the Blue tooth [it’s red] phone I am supposed to use when I drive. I wore it once and was standing in line at Barnes and Noble talking to my wife and everyone in the nearest 50 yards was glaring at me. I had to take my hearing aid out to use it, and I got a little loud.

I mean the GPS looked pretty smart on my dash board, but the lady inside that gadget was the most annoying, rudest person I had run into in a long time. Every 10 minutes, she would sarcastically say, “Re-calc-u-lating.” You would think that she could be nicer. It was like she could barely tolerate me. She would let go with a deep sigh and then tell me to make a U-turn at the next light. Then if I made a right turn instead. Well, it was not a good relationship.

When I get really lost now, I call my wife and tell her the name of the cross streets and while she is starting to develop the same tone as Gypsy, the GPS lady, at least she loves me.

To be perfectly frank, I am still trying to learn how to use the cordless phones in our house. We have had them for 4 years, but I still haven’t figured out how I can lose three phones all at once and have run around digging under chair cushions and checking bathrooms and the dirty laundry baskets when the phone rings.

The world is just getting too complex for me. They even mess me up every time I go to the grocery store. You would think they could settle on something themselves but this sudden “Paper or Plastic?” every time I check out just knocks me for a loop. I bought some of those cloth reusable bags to avoid looking confused, but I never remember to take them in with me.

Now I toss it back to them. Wh en they ask me, “Paper or Plastic?” I just say, “Doesn’t matter to me. I am bi-sacksual.” Then it’s their turn to stare at me with a blank look. I was recently asked if I tweet. I answered, No, but I do toot a lot.”

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The Flu’s I’m not really concerned about:
3 years ago, Chinese calendar year of the cow . . . Mad Cow disease.
2 years ago, Chinese calendar year of the bird . . . Avian flu.
This year, Chinese calendar year of the pig . . . . . Swine flu.
No problem with those.
This year in the Chinese calendar 2011, it is the year of the cock . . . Anybody else worried?

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A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane.

The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.

The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered violently once more.

Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again. As before, she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking ever more than before.

Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said, “I couldn’t help but notice that you’ve sneezed three times, wipe your nose and then shudder violently. Are you ok?”

“I am sorry if I disturbed you, I have a very rare medical condition; whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm.”

The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. ” I have never heard of that condition before” he said. “Are you taking anything for it?”

The woman nodded, “Pepper.”

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The limo was speeding down the highway. It was just past dusk. Suddenly, a cow rambled onto the road. The car hit it broadside and came to a stop.



Nancy, in her usual charming manner, said to the chauffeur, “You get out and check. You were driving.”‚Ä®‚Ä®

So the chauffeur got out, checked, and reported that the animal was dead but assured her it was an old cow.

‚Ä®‚Ä®”You were driving, so you go and tell the farmer,” said Nancy.

The chauffeur climbed out of the car and walked down the long farm lane. Two hours later the chauffeur returned, totally plastered, hair ruffled, with a big grin on his face.



“My God, what happened to you?” asked Nancy.‚Ä®

The chauffeur replied, “When I got there, the farmer opened his best bottle of malt whiskey, the wife gave me a slap-up meal and the daughter made mad passionate love to me.”

‚Ä®‚Ä®”What on earth did you say?” asks Nancy.‚Ä®‚Ä®

“I just knocked on the door, and when it opened I said to them, I’m Nancy Pelosi’s chauffeur, and I’ve just killed the old cow.”

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Mohammad, an muslim child, entered his classroom on the first day of school in Ohio.

“What is your name?” – asked the teacher. “Mohammad” – answered the kid.

“You are in America now. From now on your name will be Johnny,” – replied the teacher.

In the evening, Mohammad returned home. “How was your day, Mohammad?” – asked his mother.

“My name is not Mohammad. I’m in America and now my name is Johnny.”

“Ah, are you ashamed of your name, are you trying to dishonor your parents, your heritage, your religion? Shame on you!” – and she beat him.

Then she called his father and he, too, beat him.

The next day Mohammad returned to school.

When the teacher saw him with all the bruises she asked, “What happened to you little Johnny”?

“Well ma’am, 4 hours after becoming an American, I was attacked by two fuckin’ muslims.”

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NICKNAMES
· If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
· If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Knucklehead and CRAP for Brains.

EATING OUT
¬∑ When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it’s only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
· When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY
· A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
¬∑ A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn’t need but it’s on sale.

BATHROOMS
· A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.
¬∑ The average number of items in the typical woman’s bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS
· A woman has the last word in any argument.
· Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

FUTURE
· A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
· A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS
· A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
· A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE
¬∑ A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t.
¬∑ A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change, but she does.

DRESSING UP
· A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
· A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL
· Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
· Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING
· Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
· A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes. There’s no use in two people remembering the same thing!

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Minnesota became the 32nd state on May 11, 1858 and was originally settled by a lost tribe of Norwegians seeking refuge from the searing heat of Wisconsin’s winters.

The state flag of Minnesota consists of a blue background upon which sits a design best described as “how a 7-year- old city girl would draw a picture titled ‘life on the farm’”.

Minnesota gets it’s name from the Sioux Indian word “mah-nee-soo-tah”, meaning, “No, really… they eat fish soaked in lye”.

The state song of Minnesota is “Someday the Vikings will… Aw, never mind”.

The Mall of America in Bloomington, Minnesota covers 9.5 million square feet and has enough space to hold 185,000 idiot teenagers yapping away on cell phones.

Madison, Minnesota is known as “the lutefisk capital of the world”. Avoid this city at all costs.

“The Mary Tyler Moore Show” was set in Minneapolis, Minnesota, and was Mary’s first real acting job since leaving the “Dick van Dyke Show”. The show about a single woman’s struggle to find happiness in the big city .

The state motto of Minnesota at one time was “Where even a man who wears a feather boa can be governor.” Now it’s “Where even Stuart Smalley can be Senator.”

Downtown Minneapolis has an enclosed skyway system covering 52 blocks, allowing people to live, work, eat, and sleep without ever going outside.. The only downside to this is that a Norwegian occasionally turns up missing.

Cartoonist Charles M. Shultz was born in Minneapolis, Minnesota and grew up in St. Paul. He was the only artist to accurately depict the perfectly circular heads of Minnesota natives.

The Hormel Company of Austin, Minnesota produces 6 million cans of spam a year, even though no one actually eats it. Spam is a prized food in Japan.

Water skis were invented in 1922 in Lake City, Minnesota by Ralph Samuelson. Sadly, he drowned shortly afterwards, as the motorboat hadn’t been invented yet.

St. Paul, Minnesota was originally named “Pig’s Eye”, after French Canadian whiskey trader Pierre “pig’s eye” Parrot. Its “twin city”, Minneapolis, was known as “Pig’s Colon”.

The stapler was invented in Swingline, Minnesota by a chubby, mumbling man named Milton in 1899. The city was mysteriously destroyed by fire later that year.

Pelican Rapids is home to a 16-foot-tall concrete pelican, which subsists on a diet of 4-foot-long concrete fish.

In 1973, Olivia, Minnesota, erected a 25-foot tall fiberglass corn cob to celebrate its rich, agricultural heritage. Then in 1974, it was eaten by a 50-foot statue of Babe the blue ox. Yes, Minnesota has a lot of problems with statue cannibalism.

Minnesota license plates are blue & white and contain the phrase “Blizzards on Independence Day – you get used to it.”

Frank C. Mars, founder of the Mars Candy Co. was born in Newport, Minnesota. His 3 Musketeers candy bar originally contained three bars in one wrapper, each filled with a different flavor of nougat – chocolate, spam, and lutefisk.

The first fully automatic pop-up toaster was invented in Minneapolis, Minnesota in 1926. Minnesota’s stringent bread-control laws currently only allow residents to own semi-automatic toasters.

Tonka trucks continue to be manufactured in Minnetonka, Minnesota, despite the thousands of GI Joe dolls killed by them annually in rollover accidents. No airbags, no seat belts. These things are deathtraps, I tell ya!

Author Laura Ingalls Wilder was raised at Walnut Grove, Minnesota, and was famous for writing the “Little House” series of books, as well as inventing the “spam diet” which consists of looking at a plate of spam until you lose your appetite. Much like the “lutefisk diet”.

The snowmobile was invented in Roseau, Minnesota so as to allow families a means of attending Independence Day picnics.

Minnesotans are almost indistinguishable from Wisconsinites. The only way to tell them apart is to ask if they voted for Mondale in ’84.

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