Marriage (written by kids)

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?

You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
— Alan, age 10

-No person really decides before they grow up who they’re going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you’re stuck with.
— Kristen, age 10

WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?

Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then..
— Camille, age 10

HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?

You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
— Derrick, age 8

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?

Both don’t want any more kids.
— Lori, age 8

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?

-Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
— Lynnette, age 8

-On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
— Martin, age 10

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

-When they’re rich.
— Pam, age 7

-The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn’t want to mess with that.
— Curt, age 7

-The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It’s the right thing to do.
— Howard, age 8

IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?

It’s better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
— Anita, age 9

HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN’T GET MARRIED?

There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn’t there?
— Kelvin, age 8

HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?

Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a dump truck.
— Ricky, age 10

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Irate Airline Passenger

A crowded United Airlines flight was cancelled.

A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travellers.

Suddenly, an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket on the counter and said:-“I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS.”

The agent replied: “I’m sorry, sir. I’ll be happy to try to help you, but I’ve got to help these folks first; and then I’m sure we’ll be able to work something out.”

The passenger was unimpressed.

He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear: “DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?”

Without hesitating, the agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone. “May I have your attention, please?”, she began, her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal.

“We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him with his identity, please come to Gate 14.”

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United Airlines agent, gritted his teeth, and said: “F*** You!”

Without flinching, she smiled and said: “I’m sorry sir, you’ll have to get in line for that, too.”

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Birds of Paradise Flowers

Here is a collection of photos I took of birds of paradise flowers, while in San Diego, California.

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Two Irish Moose Hunters

Paddy and Mick arrived in Quebec for a moose hunting trip and hired a private pilot to fly them deep into the Canadian wilderness. After many mishaps and adventures, by the end of the trip they had managed to bag a moose each. As they were loading the plane to return, the pilot said he could only take the hunters, their gear and one moose, due to load constraints. The hunters objected saying, “Last year we shot two, and the pilot let us take them both…and he had exactly the same plane as yours.”

Not wanting to be outdone by another bush pilot, their pilot reluctantly gave in and everything was loaded. However, even under full power the little plane couldn’t climb above the tree tops and went down in the wooded wilderness. Somehow, surrounded by the moose, clothing and sleeping bags, Paddy and Mick survived the crash.

After climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy asked Mick, “Any idea where we are?”

Mick replied, “I’m pretty sure we’re close to where we crashed last year.”

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Stay!

I pulled into the crowded parking lot at the local shopping center and rolled down the car windows to make sure my Labrador Retriever pup had fresh air. She was stretched full-out on the back seat and I wanted to impress upon her that she must remain there. I walked to the curb backward, pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically,”Now you stay. Do you hear me?”

“Stay! Stay!”

The driver of a nearby car, a pretty young blonde, gave me a strange look and said, “Why don’t you just put it in ‘Park’?”

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The Correct Way to Weigh Yourself

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First Impressions of San Diego, California

Today I decided to drive and explore California a little bit. I found my way driving up the coast and I found this nice beach at La Jolla. Here are some photos of my 1st impressions of California.

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Siblings

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No Need For Google

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Survival Skills

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Yoga

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Say Nothing

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Fail: Hiding From Bath

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If I can’t see you, then you can’t see me.

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Self Perception

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To Mom and Dad

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Opinion?

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Little Horse

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Baby’s Best Friend

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Weight Loss Hotline

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Virgins Awaiting Muslims

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Gardening

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Amazing Feeling

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Teenagers: Act Now!

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Bed Space

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Japanese Car Window Art

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As I was stuck in traffic I was stuck behind this Toyota Voxy minivan and I thought it would be a nice photo to show some Japanese car window art. Here is that photo.

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Old Doberman

An old Doberman starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he’s lost. Wandering about, he notices a panther heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch. The old Doberman thinks, “Oh, oh! I’m in it now!”

Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the panther is about to leap, the old Doberman exclaims loudly, “Boy, that was one delicious panther! I wonder, if there are any more around here?”

Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.

“Whew!,” says the panther, “That was close! That old Doberman nearly had me!”

Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the panther. So, off he goes. The squirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the panther. The young panther is furious at being made a fool of and says, “Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what’s going to happen to that conniving canine!”

Now, the old Doberman sees the panther coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks, “What am I going to do now?,” but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn’t seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old Doberman says …….”Where’s that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another panther!”

Moral of this story … Don’t mess with the old dogs … Age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery!

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Just Get In

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Worry Birds

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Jehovah’s Witness

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Highway to Hell

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Naval Air Station Atsugi – Mount Fuji Climb Brochure

If you are every considering climbing Mount Fuji, NAS Atsugi puts out a brochure with some good information on their tours. It has some beautiful views and is a lot of fun.

Mount Fuji Information

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Real Estate Prices Bouncing Back

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Snoring Cure

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Al Qaeda Pin Up Girl

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Stubbornness

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Where will we be in 8 years?

Ratheon XOS 2 is a second generation exoskeleton design for US army use. It allows the wearer to enhance his strength to carry heavy equipment much easier and for much longer.
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The world’s first virtual shopping center opened in Korea. All the products are just LCD screens that allow you to order the items by touching the screen. When you get to the counter, your items are already bagged and ready to go.
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A cellphone you can bend as much as you like and it will still do everything a smart phone does.
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Your personal computer ring can play music, check your email, give you alerts and even allows you to browse or chat with others.
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This man is demonstrating the ability of his prosthetic eye, which has a camera installed in it.
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No longer using the camping stove just for cooking, a new line of camping stoves use the heat energy to power up lights and charge your phones or anything else you can charge by USB cable.
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This trash can follows you around and calculates where to stand to catch your thrown garbage!
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This motion tracking table morphs its surface to mimic your movements, allowing you to control objects from the other side of the planet if you so choose.
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This windowed door turns opaque whenever you lock it.
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This incredible app translates signs from video and in real time!
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The new ‘Google Fiber’ has started deploying, and will offer users an internet connection that is about 100 times faster than what they are currently using.
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When did car panels start looking like this advanced?
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A stop sign using water to project the image.
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An example of the new E-Ink in action. An ink that stay flat on the page and can be printed but still moves on the printer page.
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All of the functions these items that we used 20 years ago…Are now done by a single smartphone.
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New casts can be printed with a 3D printer, are lighter, more comfortable and just as strong.
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Bionic hands are now so advanced they can perform even delicate and complex movements.
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Shooting at Me

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A Touching Moment…

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This letter was sent to the Broken Hill High School Principal’s office in Broken Hill, Australia after the school had sponsored a luncheon for seniors. An elderly lady received a new radio at the lunch as a door raffle prize and was writing to say thank you.
This story is a credit to all humankind.

Dear Broken Hill High School ,
God bless you for the beautiful wireless I won at your recent Senior Citizens luncheon. I am 87 years old and live at the St Annes Nursing Home for the Aged.
All of my family has passed away so I am all alone. I want to thank you for the kindness you have shown to a forgotten old lady.
My roommate is 95 and has always had her own wireless; but, she would never let me listen to it. She said it belonged to her long dead husband, and understandably, wanted to keep it safe.
The other day her wireless fell off the nightstand and broke into a dozen pieces. It was awful and she was in tears. She asked if she could listen to mine, and I was overjoyed that I could tell her to fuck off.
Thank you for that wonderful opportunity.
God bless you all.
Sincerely,
Edna

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Breakfast in Bed

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Out of patience

After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in his seat and closed his eyes.

As the train rolled out of the station, the young woman sitting next to him pulled out her cell phone and
started talking in a loud voice:

“Hi sweetheart. It’s Sue. I’m on the train”.

“Yes, I know it’s the six thirty and not the four thirty, but I had a long meeting”.

“No, honey, not with that Kevin from the accounting office. It was with the boss”.

“No sweetheart, you’re the only one in my life”.

“Yes, I’m sure, cross my heart!”

Fifteen minutes later, she was still talking loudly.

When the man sitting next to her had enough, he leaned over and said into the phone, “Sue, hang up the phone
and come back to bed.”

Sue doesn’t use her cell phone in public any longer.

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Reading

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Those Sneaky Marines


Look closely …

Keep looking!

See it now?

You have got to love the Marines.

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Best Part of My Job

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Children are Quick

TEACHER: Why are you late?
STUDENT: Class started before I got here.
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TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
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TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell ‘crocodile?’
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L’
TEACHER: No, that’s wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
(I Love this child)
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TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it’s H to O.
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TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn’t have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
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TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I’m a lot closer to the ground than you are.
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TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father’s cherry tree, but also admitted it.
Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn’t punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand…..
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TEACHER: Now, Simon , tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don’t have to, my Mum is a good cook.
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TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on ‘My Dog’ is exactly the same as your brother’s..
Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It’s the same dog.

(I want to adopt this kid!!!)
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TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher

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Vegetarian

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British Humor is Different

These are classified ads, which were actually placed in U.K. Newspapers:

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old,
Hateful little bastard.
Bites!

FREE PUPPIES
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor’s dog.

FREE PUPPIES.
Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd. Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound.

COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.
Also 1 gay bull for sale.

JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer £100.

WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE .
Worn once by mistake. Call Stephanie.

FOR SALE BY OWNER.
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes. Excellent condition, £200 or best offer. No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything.

Thought from the Greatest Living Scottish Thinker–Billy Connolly. “If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking, How come they can’t have a headache and sex at the same time?”

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Canadian Waterskiing

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Did You Know?

1. Your shoes are the first thing people subconsciously notice about you. Wear nice shoes.

2. If you sit for more than 11 hours a day, there’s a 50% chance you’ll die within the next 3 years.

3. There are at least 6 people in the world who look exactly like you.
There’s a 9% chance that you’ll meet one of them in your lifetime.

4. Sleeping without a pillow reduces back pain and keeps your spine stronger.

5. A person’s height is determined by their father, and their weight is determined by their mother.

6. If a part of your body “falls asleep”, You can almost always “wake it up” by shaking your head.

7. There are three things the human brain cannot resist noticing – food, attractive people and danger.

8. Right-handed people tend to chew food on their right side

9. Putting dry tea bags in gym bags or smelly shoes will absorb the unpleasant odor.

10. According to Albert Einstein, if honey bees were to disappear from earth, humans would be dead within 4 years.

11. There are so many kinds of apples, that if you ate a new one everyday, it would take over 20 years to try them all.

12. You can survive without eating for weeks, but you will only live 11 days without sleeping.

13. People who laugh a lot are healthier than those who don’t.

14. Laziness and inactivity kills just as many people as smoking.

15. A human brain has a capacity to store 5 times as much information as Wikipedia.

16. Our brain uses the same amount of power as a 10-watt light bulb!!

17. Our body gives enough heat in 30 mins to boil 1.5 liters of water!!

18. The Ovum egg is the largest cell and the sperm is the smallest cell !!

19. Stomach acid (conc. HCl) is strong enough to dissolve razor blades!!

20. Take a 10-30 minute walk every day & while you walk, SMILE. It is the ultimate antidepressant.

21. Sit in silence for at least 10 minutes each day.

22. When you wake up in the morning, pray to ask God’s guidance for your purpose today.

23. Eat more foods that grow on trees and plants and eat less food that is manufactured in plants.

24. Drink green tea and plenty of water. Eat blueberries, broccoli, and almonds.

25. Try to make at least three people smile each day.

26. Don’t waste your precious energy on gossip, energy vampires, issues of the past, negative thoughts or things you cannot control. Instead invest your energy in the positive present moment.

27. Eat breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince and dinner like a college kid with a maxed out charge card.

28. Life isn’t fair, but it’s still good.

29. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone. Forgive them for everything.

30. Don’t take yourself so seriously. No one else does.

31. You don’t have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.

32. Make peace with your past so it won’t spoil the present.

33. Don’t compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.

34. No one is in charge of your happiness except you.

35. Frame every so-called disaster with these words: ‘In five years, will this matter?’

36. Help the needy, Be generous! Be a ‘Giver’ not a ‘Taker’.

37. What other people think of you is none of your business.

38. Time heals everything.

39. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.

40. Your job won’t take care of you when you are sick. Your friends will. Stay in touch.

41. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.

42. Each night before you go to bed, pray to God and be thankful for what you accomplished, today.

43. Remember that you are too blessed to be stressed.

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Any Drugs?

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They walk among us!

1.They Walk Among Us and Many Work Retail

I was at the checkout of a K-Mart. The clerk rang up $46.64 charge. I gave her a fifty dollar bill. She gave me back $46.64. I gave the money back to her and told her that she had made a mistake in MY favor. She became indignant and informed me she was educated and knew what she was doing, and returned the money again. I gave her the money back …. same scenario! I departed the store with the $46.64.

2.They Walk Among Us and Many Work Retail

I walked into a Starbucks with a buy-one-get-one-free coupon for a Grande Latte. I handed it to the girl and she looked over at a little chalkboard that said ‘buy one-get one free.’ ‘They’re already buy-one-get-one-free,’ she said, ‘so I guess they’re both free’. She handed me my free Lattes and I walked out the door.

3.They Walk Among Us!

One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when one of them shouted, ‘Look at that dead bird!’ Someone looked up at the sky and said, ‘Where?’

4.They Walk Among Us!

While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent which direction was north because, he explained, he didn’t want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, ‘Does the sun rise in the North?’ When my brother explained that the sun rises in the East, and has for sometime, she shook her head and said, ‘Oh I don’t keep up with all that stuff.’

5.They Walk Among Us!!

I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was open. I told him, ‘The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.’ He responded, ‘Is that Eastern or Pacific time?’ Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, ‘Uh, Pacific.’

6.They Walk Among Us!

My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk!

7.They Walk Among Us!

My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that the cases were discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The cashier multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount.

8.They Walk Among Us!

I couldn’t find my luggage at the airport baggage area, so I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands. ‘Now,’ she asked me, has your plane arrived yet?’

9.They Walk Among Us!

While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before responding. ‘Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don’t think I’m hungry enough to eat 6 pieces.’

Yep, They Walk Among Us!

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