Little Johnny Strikes Again

The teacher asked the class to use the word ‘fascinate’ in a sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said, ‘My family went to my granddad’s farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating.

The teacher said, ‘That was good, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate, not fascinating’.

Sally raised her hand. She said, ‘My family went to see RockCity and I was ‘fascinated.’ The teacher said, ‘Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate.’

Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before.

She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word ‘fascinate’, so she called on him.
Johnny said, ‘My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight.

The teacher sat down and cried.

The Woman Marine Pilot

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment:
Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories.
There were all the regular types of stuff: spilled milk and pennies saved.
But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay, that only Janie was left.
“Janie, do you have a story to share?’
”Yes ma’am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy.
She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit.
She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all
she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife.
She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn’t
break, and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops.
She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets,
killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke,
and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands.

”Good Heavens,’ said the horrified teacher.
‘What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story?

“Stay away from Mommy when she’s been drinking.”

The Silver Screw

Once upon a time, there was a young lad was born without a belly button. In its place was a silver screw.  All the doctors told his mother that there was nothing they could do. Like it or not, he was stuck with it . . . He was screwed..

All the years of growing up were real tough on him, as all who saw the screw made fun of him.  He avoided leaving his house  . . .  And thus, never made any friends.

One day, a mysterious stranger saw his belly and told him of a monk in Tibet who could get rid of the screw for him.¬† He was thrilled.¬†¬†¬† The next day, he took all of his life’s savings and bought a ticket to¬†Nepal.¬†

After several days of climbing up steep cliffs, he came upon a giant monastery. The monk knew exactly why he had come. The screwy guy was told to sleep in the highest tower of the monastery and the following day when he awoke, the screw would have been removed..  The man immediately went to the room and fell asleep.

During the night while he slept, a purple fog floated in an open window.  In the mist floated a solid silver screwdriver. In just moments, the screwdriver removed the screw and disappeared out the window.

The next morning when the man awoke, he saw the silver screw laying on the pillow next to him.  Reaching down, he felt his navel, and there was no screw there!  Jubilant, he leaped out of bed . . . . And his butt fell off.

The moral to this is: ‘Don’t screw around with things you don’t understand — You could lose your ass.’

Elderly Floridian

An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: ‘They’ve stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!’ she cried. The dispatcher said, ‘Stay calm. An officer is on the way.’ A few minutes later, the officer radios in ‘Disregard.’ He says. ‘She got in the back-seat by mistake.’

Senior Driving

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife’s voice urgently warning him, ‘Herman, I just heard on the news that there’s a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77. Please be careful!’ ‘Heck,’ said Herman, ‘It’s not just one car. It’s hundreds of them!’

Elderly Friends

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.

One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, ‘Now don’t get mad at me … I know we’ve been friends for a long time, but I just can’t think of your name! I’ve thought And thought, but I can’t remember it. Please tell me what your name is..

Her friend glared at her for at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, ‘How soon do you need to know?’

Supersex

A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say ‘Supersex…’ She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair…

Flipping her gown at him, she said, ‘Supersex.’

He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, ‘I’ll take the soup.’

Tokyo Hooters

Some buddies and I heard that they recently opened a Hooters restaurant in Tokyo, so we decided to go check it out.  Here was some of the waitresses.  The food was good and decently priced, but the weird thing was that the waitresses started dancing and you couldn’t film it or take photos of it as they were dancing.  This is weird because being in the land of Asian’s who take photos of literally everything this must be some kind of illegal dance or something.

I Can Hear Just Fine

Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day. One remarked to the other, ‘Windy, isn’t it?’ ‘No,’ the second man replied, ‘it’s Thursday.’ And the third man chimed in, ‘So am I. Let’s have a beer.’

Three Elderly Sisters

Three sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, live in a house together. One night the 96-year-old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters, ‘Was I getting in or out of the bath?’ The 94-year-old yells back, ‘I don’t know. I’ll come up and see.’ She starts up the stairs and pauses ‘Was I going up the stairs or down? The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters, she shakes her head and says, ‘I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood…’ She then yells, ‘I’ll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who’s at the door.’

New Boots

Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home. Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, “Notice anything different about me?”

Margaret looked him over. “Nope.”

Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots. Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, “Notice anything different NOW?”

Margaret looked up and said in her best deadpan, “Bert, what’s different? It’s hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it’ll be hanging down again tomorrow.”

Furious, Bert yelled, “AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT’S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?”

“Nope. Not a clue”, she replied.

“IT’S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT’S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!”

Without missing a beat Margaret replied, “Shoulda bought a hat, Bert. Shoulda bought a hat.”

Flipping Channels

The wife and I were at home watching TV. I had the remote and was switching back and forth between a fishing channel and the porn channel. She became more and more annoyed and finally said: “For God’s sake! Leave it on the porn channel! You already know how to fish!”

Driving

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car – both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself ‘I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light.’

After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous.

At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, She turned to the other woman and said, ‘Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!’

Mildred turned to her and said, ‘Oh, crap, am I driving?’

Decoding

*DICTIONARY FOR DECODING WOMEN’S PERSONAL ADS:*
****
* 40-ish…………………………….49.
* Adventurous……………………..Slept with everyone.
* Athletic…………………………..No breasts.
* Average looking…………………Moooo.
* Beautiful…………………………Pathological liar.
* Emotionally Secure………………On medication.
* Feminist………………………….Fat.
* Free Spirit………………………..Junkie.
* Friendship first…………………..Former Slut.
* New-Age…………………………Body hair in the wrong places.
* Old-fashioned……………………No B.J.’s
* Open-minded…………………….Desperate.
* Outgoing…………………………Loud and embarrassing.
* Professional………………………Bitch.
* Voluptuous………………………Very fat.
* Large frame………………………Hugely fat.
* Wants soul mate…………………Stalker.

*DICTIONARY FOR DECODING WOMEN’S ENGLISH: *

* Yes……………………………….No
* No………………………………..Yes
* Maybe……………………………No
* We need………………………….I want
* I am sorry………………………..You’ll be sorry
* We need to talk………………….You’re in trouble
* Sure, go ahead……………………You better not
* Do what you want……………….You will pay for this later
* I am not upset……………………Of course, I am upset, you moron!
* You’re attentive tonight…………Is sex all you ever think about?
**
*DICTIONARY FOR DECODING MEN’S ENGLISH:*

* I am hungry……… ………………I am hungry
* I am sleepy……………………….I am sleepy
* I am tired…………………………I am tired
* Nice dress…………………………Nice cleavage!
* I love you…………………………Let’s have sex now
* I am bored………………………..Do you want to have sex?
* May I have this dance?………………I’d like to have sex with you.
* Can I call you sometime?…………..I’d like to have sex with you.
* Do you want to go to a movie?……I’d like to have sex with you.
* Can I take you out to dinner?……..I’d like to have sex with you.
* I don’t think those shoes go with that outfit…………..I’m gay.

Marriage is Like a Deck of Cards

Never Assume That Men Understand

A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months. Nurses were in her room giving her a bed bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor whenever she touched her there. They tried it again and sure enough, there was definite movement. They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, ‘As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little ‘0ral sex’ will do the trick & bring her out of the coma.’ The husband was skeptical, but they assured him that they would close the curtains for privacy. The husband finally agreed and went into his wife’s room. After a few minutes the woman’s monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate.

The nurses run back into the room. ‘What happened?’ they cried.

The husband said, ‘I’m not sure; maybe she choked!’

Ole & Leno go to the Mall of America

One cold winter day Ole and Lena went to the mall of America. They ended up getting separated and could not find each other.

Lena saw a security guard and asked him if he’d seen her Ole…The security guard asked her what does he look like? Lena ya know he’s wearing a red & black plaid flannel shirt, red suspenders and weathered Oshkosh denim overalls. The security guard said I have seen him!!! He ran past here Lickety Split about 2 minutes ago Lena said, “Oh, no dat can’t by my Ole!” He might sucka de tit but, he no Lickety Split!!!!!

Ole & Lena

Sven is passing by Ole’s hay shed one day when, through a gap in the door, he sees Ole doing a slow and deliberate striptease in front of an old green John Deere.

Buttocks clenched, he performs a slow pirouette and gently slides off first the right suspender of his weathered Oshkosh denim overalls, followed by the left.

He then hunches his shoulders forward and, in a classic striptease move, lets his denim braces fall down from his shoulders to dangle by his hips exposing his red & black plaid flannel shirt.

Grabbing both sides of his shirt, he rips it apart to reveal his red union suit (underwear for our younger readers). And, with a final flourish, he hurls his flat cap on to the straw pile.

“Vat on earth ar ya doin’ Ole?” asks Sven

“Yumpin Yimminy, Sven, ya scared da livin bejeevas out of me!” exclaimed an obviously embarrassed Ole; “but, me and the Missus, vell. ve ben havin’ some troubles lately in da’ bedroom department and da’ Therapist said I got to do something sexy to a tractor.”

My Favorite Animal

Our teacher asked us what our favorite animal was, and I said, “Fried chicken.”

She said I wasn’t funny, but she couldn’t have been right, because everyone else in the class laughed.

My parents told me to always be truthful and honest, and I am. Fried chicken is my favorite animal. I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much. I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal’s office. I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again. The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was. I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, just like she’d asked the other children. So I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken. She sent me back to the principal’s office again. He laughed, and told me not to do it again. I don’t understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn’t like it when I am. Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admire most.

I told her, “Colonel Sanders.” Guess where I am now…

Chili Cook-off Compliments

**Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better! For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time the Rodeo comes to town. It takes up a major portion of the parking lot at the Astrodome. The notes are from an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting Texas from the East.

Frank: “Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge’s table asking for directions to the Budweiser truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn’t be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, So I accepted.”

Here are the scorecards from the event:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Chili # 1 Mike’s Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Judge # 1 — A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

Judge # 2 — Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild

Judge # 3 — (Frank) Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that’s the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Chili # 2 Arthur’s Afterburner Chili
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Judge # 1 — Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.

Judge # 2 — Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

Judge # 3 — Keep this out of the reach of children. I’m not sure what I’m supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Chili # 3 Fred’s Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Judge # 1 — Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.

Judge # 2 — A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.

Judge # 3 — Call the EPA. I’ve located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I’m getting shit-faced from all of the beer.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Chili # 4 Bubba’s Black Magic
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Judge # 1 — Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

Judge # 2 — Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.

Judge # 3 — I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out tastebuds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb. bitch is starting to look HOT…just like this nuclear waste I’m eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Chili #5 — Linda’s Legal Lip Remover
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Judge # 1 — Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

Judge # 2 — Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

Judge # 3 — My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my to tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I’m burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Chili # 6 Vera’s Very Vegetarian Variety
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Judge # 1 — Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.

Judge # 2 — The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.

Judge # 3 — My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I shit myself when I farted and I’m worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can’t feel my lips anymore.I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Chili # 7 Susan’s Screaming Sensation Chili
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Judge # 1 — A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

Judge # 2 — Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3.

Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably. You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn’t feel a thing. I’ve lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava like shit to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they’ll know what killed me. I’ve decided to stop breathing, its too painful. Screw it, I’m not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I’ll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Chili # 8 Tommy’s Toe-Nail Curling Chili
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Judge # 1 — The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold
but spicy enough to declare its existence.

Judge # 2 — This final entry is a good, balance chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when

Judge # 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he’s going to make it. Poor dude, wonder how he’d have reacted to really hot chili.

My New Snow Walker

The Female Demerit System

In the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy. Do something she likes and you get points. Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted. You don’t get any points for doing something she expects. Sorry, that’s the way the game is played.

Here is a guide to the point system:

SIMPLE DUTIES
You make the bed (+1)
You make the bed, but forget the decorative pillow (0)
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets (-1)
You go out to buy her what she wants (+5) in the rain (+8)
But return with Beer (-5)
You check out a suspicious noise at night (+1)
You check out a suspicious noise, and it is nothing (0)
You check out a suspicious noise and it is something (+5)
You pummel it with iron rod (+10)
It’s her pet (-20)

SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS
You stay by her side the entire party (0)
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with an old school friend (-2)
Named Tina (-10)
Tina is a dancer (-20)
Tina has silicone implants (-80)

HER BIRTHDAY
You take her out to dinner (+2)
You take her out to dinner and it’s not a sports bar (+3)
Okay, it’s a sports bar (-2)
And it’s all-you-can-eat night (-3)
It’s a sports bar, it’s all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team (-10)

A NIGHT OUT
You take her to a movie (+1)
You take her to a movie she likes (+3)
You take her to a movie you hate (+6)
You take her to a movie you like (-2)
It’s called ‘Death Cop’ (-3)
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans (-15)

YOUR PHYSIQUE
You develop a noticeable potbelly (-15)
You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it (+10)
You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to baggy jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts (-30)
You say, “It doesn’t matter, you have one too.” (-8000)

THE BIG QUESTION
She asks, “Do I look fat?” (-5) (Yes, you lose points no matter what)
You hesitate in responding (-10)
You reply, “Where?” (-35)
Any other response (-200)

COMMUNICATION
When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a conc erned expression (0)
You listen, for over 30 minutes (+50)
You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV (+500)
She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep (-4000)

Confusion

Well, Obama recently signed the bill that allows gays to serve openly in the Military,

No more don’t ask don’t tell.

But what has he really done causes more confusion in the ranks.

This is what now can happen. So for the moment, imagine………………..

You’re in a combat situation, the enemy is firing at you, and running toward your position……..

The guy next to you is openly gay, when someone yells out……….

“Shoot the cocksucker!”

Now do you see the confusion?

A Real Woman

A real woman is a man’s best friend. She will never stand him up and never let him down. She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a bad day.

She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do; to live without fear and forget regret. She will enable him to express his deepest emotions and give in to his most intimate desires. She will make sure he always feels as though he’s the most handsome man in the room and will enable him to be the most confident, sexy, seductive and invincible…

No wait… Sorry.. I’m thinking of whiskey. It’s whiskey that does all that shit. Never mind.

A Blonde in the Baptist Church

An Alabama preacher said to his congregation, “Someone in this congregation has spread a rumour that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian Family.”

No one moved. The preacher continued, “Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression.”

Again all was quiet.

Then slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop traffic rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, “Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets.”

The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation roared.

Two Feet of Snow

A Paraprosdokian

A paraprosdokian is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected in a way that causes the reader or listener to reframe or reinterpret the first part. It is frequently used for humorous or dramatic effect, sometimes producing an anticlimax. 

 
I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.‚Ä®‚Ä®¬†

Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.



I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

‚Ä®‚Ä®Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

‚Ä®‚Ä®The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.



Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

If I agreed with you we’d both be wrong.‚Ä®‚Ä®

We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.



War does not determine who is right only who is left.



Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.



The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.



Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’, and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.‚Ä®

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research…

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.



How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?



Some people are like Slinkies …. not really good for anything, but you can’t help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.‚Ä®‚Ä®

Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.



I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted pay checks.
 
A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don’t need it.‚Ä®‚Ä®

Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says “If an emergency, notify:” I put “DOCTOR”.

‚Ä®‚Ä®I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

‚Ä®‚Ä®I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with “Guess” on it…so I said “Implants?”



Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?



Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.



Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?



Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.



A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.



The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!



Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.‚Ä®‚Ä®

A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.



Hospitality: making your guests feel like they’re at home, even if you wish they were.‚Ä®‚Ä®

Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.‚Ä®‚Ä®

I discovered I scream the same way whether I’m about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.‚Ä®‚Ä®

Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.



There’s a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can’t get away.

‚Ä®‚Ä®I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not sure.‚Ä®‚Ä®

I always take life with a grain of salt, plus a slice of lime, and a shot of tequila.



When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

‚Ä®‚Ä®You’re never too old to learn something stupid.‚Ä®‚Ä®

To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.



Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.‚Ä®‚Ä®

Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people. Others have no imagination whatsoever.
 
A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.



If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child?



Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

Should I really join Facebook?

When I bought my Blackberry I thought about the 30-year business I ran with 1800 employees, all without a cell phone that plays music, takes videos, pictures and communicates with Facebook and Twitter. I signed up under duress for Twitter and Facebook, so my seven kids, their spouses, 13 grandkids and 2 great grand kids could communicate with me in the modern way. I figured I could handle something as simple as Twitter with only 140 characters of space.

That was before one of my grandkids hooked me up for Tweeter, Tweetree, Twhirl, Twitterfon, Tweetie and Twittererific Tweetdeck, Twitpix and something that sends every message to my cell phone and ev ery other program within the texting world.

My phone was beeping every three minutes with the details of everything except the bowel movements of the entire next generation. I am not ready to live like this. I keep m y cell phone in the garage in my golf bag.

The kids bought me a GPS for my last birthday because they say I get lost every now and then going over to the grocery store or library. I keep that in a box under my tool bench with the Blue tooth [it’s red] phone I am supposed to use when I drive. I wore it once and was standing in line at Barnes and Noble talking to my wife and everyone in the nearest 50 yards was glaring at me. I had to take my hearing aid out to use it, and I got a little loud.

I mean the GPS looked pretty smart on my dash board, but the lady inside that gadget was the most annoying, rudest person I had run into in a long time. Every 10 minutes, she would sarcastically say, “Re-calc-u-lating.” You would think that she could be nicer. It was like she could barely tolerate me. She would let go with a deep sigh and then tell me to make a U-turn at the next light. Then if I made a right turn instead. Well, it was not a good relationship.

When I get really lost now, I call my wife and tell her the name of the cross streets and while she is starting to develop the same tone as Gypsy, the GPS lady, at least she loves me.

To be perfectly frank, I am still trying to learn how to use the cordless phones in our house. We have had them for 4 years, but I still haven’t figured out how I can lose three phones all at once and have run around digging under chair cushions and checking bathrooms and the dirty laundry baskets when the phone rings.

The world is just getting too complex for me. They even mess me up every time I go to the grocery store. You would think they could settle on something themselves but this sudden “Paper or Plastic?” every time I check out just knocks me for a loop. I bought some of those cloth reusable bags to avoid looking confused, but I never remember to take them in with me.

Now I toss it back to them. Wh en they ask me, “Paper or Plastic?” I just say, “Doesn’t matter to me. I am bi-sacksual.” Then it’s their turn to stare at me with a blank look. I was recently asked if I tweet. I answered, No, but I do toot a lot.”

Flu worries

The Flu’s I’m not really concerned about:
3 years ago, Chinese calendar year of the cow . . . Mad Cow disease.
2 years ago, Chinese calendar year of the bird . . . Avian flu.
This year, Chinese calendar year of the pig . . . . . Swine flu.
No problem with those.
This year in the Chinese calendar 2011, it is the year of the cock . . . Anybody else worried?

Maruya Ramen

thekumachan_maruya_ramen_kanagawa_japan-1

Here is a ramen shop that I enjoyed frequenting. There is nothing better than getting a nice warm bowl of ramen and a cool autumn or a cold winter day. This ramen shop has some original bowls or ramen with lots of vegetables inside. It was very good. Here is one of my photos of chyashu ramen (Pork Ramen). If you’re in the area or interested in eating here, you can find more information at the link below:

Maruya Ramen

Happy New Year!

Wishing you all a healthy and prosperous new year from us here at The Kumachan.