The Kumachan – Page 233 – Celebration of free speech

Not a Butt Photo

Dave 2011-06-02

You always think I show pictures of butts, but it is not true, here is the proof.

A Pirate Walks into a Bar…

Dave 2011-05-31

A pirate walked into a bar, and the bartender said, “Hey, I haven’t seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible.”

“What do you mean?” said the pirate, “I feel fine.”

“What about the wooden leg? You didn’t have that before.”

“Well,” said the pirate, “We were in a battle, and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I’m fine now.”

The bartender replied, “Well, OK, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?”

The pirate explained, “We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook but I’m fine, really.”

“What about that eye patch?”

“Oh,” said the pirate, “One day we were at sea, and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up, and one of them crapped in my eye.”

“You’re kidding,” said the bartender. “You couldn’t lose an eye just from bird shit.”

“It was my first day with the hook.”

The finger monkey is the tiniest living primate in the world. It’s so small that it can hold on to your finger. This cute little primate hugs and grips on to your finger so tight that it pulls your heartstrings, and you wish you could take it home with you. Finger monkeys are, as a matter of fact, pygmy marmosets. They are also known by the names ‘pocket monkey’ and ‘tiny lion’. These primates belong to the family Callitrichidae, species Cebuella and genus C. pygmaea. They are native to rain-forests of Brazil, Peru, Bolivia, Ecuador and Colombia. (Source: Buzzle)

Coco Ichiban-ya Curry House

Dave 2011-05-29

I went over to Coco Ichiban-ya curry house today. I absolutely love their curry. Here are a couple of different ways you can eat it. One is beef curry and the other is called “hire katsu curry.” Hire katsu curry simply means that it is hand made. The prices here are cheap and the food is delicious.

Irish Golfer

Dave 2011-05-29

A golfer playing in Ireland hooked his drive into the woods. Looking for his ball, he found a little Leprechaun flat on his back, a big bump on his head and the golfer’s ball beside him. Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from the cart and poured it over the little guy, reviving him.

‘Arrgh! What happened?’ the Leprechaun asked.

‘I’m afraid I hit you with my golf ball,’ the golfer says.

‘Oh, I see. Well, ye got me fair and square.

Ye get three wishes, so whaddya want?’

‘Thank God, you’re all right!’ the golfer answers in relief. ‘I don’t want anything,

I’m just glad you’re OK, and I apologize.’

And the golfer walks off.

‘What a nice guy,’ the Leprechaun says to himself. I have to do something for him. I’ll give him the three things I would want….. a great golf game, all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex life.’

A year goes by and the golfer is back. On the same hole, he again hits a bad drive into the woods and the Leprechaun is there waiting for him. ‘Twas me that made ye hit the ball here,’ the little guy says. ‘I just want to ask ye, how’s yer golf game?’

‘My game is fantastic!’ the golfer answers. I’m an internationally famous golfer now.’ He adds, ‘By the way, it’s good to see you’re all right.’

‘Oh, I’m fine now, thank ye. I did that fer yer golf game, you know. And tell me, how’s yer money situation?’

‘Why, it’s just wonderful!’ the golfer states.

‘When I need cash, I just reach in my pocket and pull out $100 bills I didn’t even know were there!’

‘I did that fer ye also.’ And tell me, how’s yer sex life?’

The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment, and says shyly, ‘It’s OK.’

C’mon, c’mon now,’ urged the Leprechaun, ‘I’m wanting to know if I did a good job. How many times a week?’

Blushing even more, the golfer looks around then whispers, ‘Once, sometimes twice a week.’

‘What??’ responds the Leprechaun in shock.

‘That’s all? Only once or twice a week?’

‘Well,’ says the golfer, ‘I figure that’s not bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish.

Things You Notice When You Are Old

Dave 2011-05-28

I Ate Too Much

Dave 2011-05-24

So tonight I went out to eat at a Japanese restaurant. I can’t tell you what the name of it is because I can’t read Kanji. As with most new restaurants I eat at I wasn’t sure what was good at this specific location. I ordered chyashu ramen (pork with noodles in a soup), gyoza (vegetables wrapped up in a thin skin and then fried), hoikoro (meat with some vegetables and some kind of sauce), and beer. The Japanese guys in the restaurant were making fun of me because the volume of food I ordered. I explained to them that I wasn’t sure what was good there so I just ordered some food and I would eat what I thought was good. I asked them why they liked that restaurant and they told me because it was cheap and delicious. I ended up eating everything I ordered because they were making fun of me. Then when it came time to pay, I was in line behind one of them and his total came to 975 yen ($12.10 USD) and I said, “Wow, that is cheap.” Then I went to pay and my total came to 1750 yen ($21.73 USD) and I said, “That’s not cheap at all.” Then the Japanese guys started laughing.

People Should Proof Read What They Print

Dave 2011-05-24

For Those Who Love Computers

Dave 2011-05-23

At a computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, ‘If Ford had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon.’

In response to Bill’s comments, Ford issued a press release stating:

If Ford had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash………Twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single ‘This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation’ warning light.

6. The airbag system would ask ‘Are you sure?’ before deploying.

7. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

8. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

9. You’d have to press the ‘Start’ button to turn the engine off.

10. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive.

PS – I ‘d like to add that when all else fails, you could call ‘customer service’ in some foreign country and be instructed in some foreign language how to fix your car yourself!

He Folds Money and Lives in a Garbage Truck

Dave 2011-05-22

This guy does origami with dollar bills and lives in a converted garbage truck. Won Park is the master of Origami. He is also called the “money folder”, a practitioner of origami whose canvas is the United States One Dollar Bill. Bending, twisting, and folding, he creates life-like shapes in stunning detail.

Child’s Viewpoint is Best

Dave 2011-05-21

NUDITY
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, ‘Mom, that lady isn’t wearing a seat belt!

OPINIONS
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, ‘The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents.’

KETCHUP
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone.. ‘Mommy can’t come to the phone to talk to you right now She’s hitting the bottle.

MORE NUDITY
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women’s locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, ‘What’s the matter, haven’t you ever seen a little boy before?’

POLICE #1
While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, ‘Are you a cop? Yes,’ I answered and continued writing the report. My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?’ ‘Yes, that’s right,’ I told her. ‘Well, then,’ she said as she extended her foot toward me, ‘would you please tie my shoe?’

POLICE #2
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. ‘Is that a dog you got back there?’ he asked. ‘It sure is,’ I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, ‘What’d he do?

ELDERLY
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, ‘The tooth fairy will never believe this!’

DRESS-UP
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, ‘Daddy, you shouldn’t wear that suit.’ ‘And why not, darling?’ ‘You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning.’

DEATH
While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased. The minister’s son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: ‘Glory be unto the Faaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into the hole he goooes.’

SCHOOL
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. ‘I’m just wasting my time,’ she said to her mother. ‘I can’t read, I can’t write, and they won’t let me talk!’

BIBLE
A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. ‘Mama, look what I found,’ the boy called out. ‘What have you got there, dear?’ With astonishment in the young boy’s voice, he answered, ‘I think it’s Adam’s underwear!’

Thief Suffers Slip and Fall Injuries

Dave 2011-05-20

Jeff Foxworthy on Muslims

Dave 2011-05-16

If you refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to liquor.
You may be a Muslim

If you own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can’t afford shoes.
You may be a Muslim

If you have more wives than teeth.
You may be a Muslim

If you wipe your butt with your bare hand, but consider bacon unclean.
You may be a Muslim

If you think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.
You may be a Muslim

If you consider television dangerous but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.
You may be a Muslim

If you were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.
You may be a Muslim

If you have nothing against women and think every man should own at least four.
You may be a Muslim

If your cousin is president of the United States .
You may be a Muslim

Coversheets That Might Assist us on our Daily Operations

Dave 2011-05-13

Mayo Clinic Test

Dave 2011-05-11

Facial expressions are an important part of the respected Mayo Clinic psychometric test. In the following pictures you see women with a range of facial expressions. Study the expressions, and try to imagine what single act each is experiencing.

Answer: They are all about to sneeze.
What were you thinking?

Thirsty Nuns

Dave 2011-05-10

While shopping in a food store, two nuns happened to pass by the beer cooler. One nun said to the other, “Wouldn’t a nice cool beer or two taste wonderful on a hot summer evening?”

The second nun answered, “Indeed it would Sister, but I wouldn’t feel comfortable buying beer as I am certain that it would cause a scene at the check-out counter.”
“I can handle that without a problem,” she replied as she picked up a six-pack and headed for the check-out.

The cashier had a surprised look on his face when the two nuns arrived with a six-pack of beer.

“We use beer for washing our hair,” the nun said, “A shampoo, of sorts, if you will.”

Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the counter, pulled out a package of pretzel sticks and placed them in the bag with the beer. He then looked the nun straight in the eye, smiled and said, “The curlers are on the house.”