A little boy got on the city bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards. The little boy asked why he wore his collar backwards.
The man, who was a priest, said, “I am a Father.”
The little boy replied, “My Dad doesn’t wear his collar like that.”
The priest looked up from his book and answered, “I am the Father of many.”
The boy said‚ “My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn’t wear his collar that way.”
The priest, getting impatient, said‚ “I am the Father of hundreds” and went back to reading his book.
The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said, “Maybe you should use a condom and wear your pants backwards Instead of your collar.”
Category: Humor
Cars
3 Hillbillies
Three Hillbillies are sitting on a porch shootin’ the breeze.
1st Hillbilly says: “My wife sure is stupid!…She bought an air conditioner. ”
2nd Hillbilly says: “Why is that stupid?”
1st Hillbilly says: “We ain’t got no ‘lectricity!”
2nd Hillbilly says: “That’s nothin’! My wife is so stupid, she bought one of them new fangled warshin ‘ machines!”
1st Hillbilly says: “Why is that so stupid?”
2nd Hillbilly says: “‘Cause we ain’t got no plummin’!”
3rd Hillbilly says: “That ain’t nuthin’! My wife is dumber than both yer wifes put together! I was going through her purse the other day lookin’ fer some change, and I found 6 condoms in thar.”
1st and 2nd Hillbillies say: “Well, what’s so dumb about that?”
3rd Hillbilly says: “She ain’t got no pecker.
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Only a Mom Would Know
One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me. I was maybe 2 1/2 years old and had just recovered from an accident. Someone had given me a little ‘tea set’ as a get-well gift and it was one of my favorite toys. Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought Daddy a little cup of ‘tea’, which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home..
My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was ‘just the cutest thing!’ My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watches him drink it up.
Then she says, (as only a mother would know… ‘Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?
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Customs
A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, “Father, may I ask a favor?”
“Of course child. What may I do for you?”
“Well, I bought an expensive woman’s electronic hair dryer for my mother’s birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I’m afraid they’ll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?”
“I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.”
“With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.”
When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her.
The official asked, “Father, do you have anything to declare?”
“From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.”
The official thought this answer strange, so asked, “And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?”
“I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is to date, unused.”
Roaring with laughter, the official said, “Go ahead, Father. Next!”
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Politics: Together We Can Make it Happen
There are two months until the General Election, an election that will decide the next President of the United States . The person elected will be the president of all Americans, not just the Democrats or the Republicans. It’s time that we all came together, Democrats and Republicans alike.
If you support the policies and character of John McCain, please drive with your headlights on during the day.
If you support Barack Obama, please drive with your headlights off at night. Together, we can make it happen.
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Anger Management
Sometimes when you are angry with someone, it helps to sit down and think about the problem.
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50th Anniversary
A man and his wife were celebrating 50 years together. Their three kids, all very successful, agreed to a Sunday dinner in their honor.
‘Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad,’ gushed son number one …. ‘Sorry I’m running late. I had an emergency at the hospital with a patient, you know how it is, and didn’t have time to get you a gift.’
‘Not to worry, ‘ said the father. ‘The important thing is that we’re all together today.’
Son number two arrived and announced, ‘You and Mom look great, Dad. I just flew in from Los Angeles between depositions a nd didn’t have time to shop for you.’
‘It’s nothing,’ said the father, ‘We’re glad you were able to come.’
Just then the daughter arrived, ‘Hello and happy anniversary! I’m sorry, but my boss is sending me out of town and I was really busy packing so I didn’t have time to get you anything.’
After they had finished dessert, the father said, ‘There’s something your mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long time. You see, we were very poor. Despite this, we were able to send each of you to college. Throughout the years your mother and I knew that we loved each other very much, but we just never found the time to get married.’
The three children gasped and all said, ‘You mean we’re bastards?’
‘Yep,’ said the father. ‘And cheap ones too.’
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Buttercups and Golfballs
Towards the end of the golf course, Dave hit his ball into the woods and found it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups. Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in the patch.
All of a sudden . . .POOF!! In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared. She said, “I’m Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups? Just for doing what you have done, you won’t have any butter for your popcorn for the rest of your life: better still, you won’t have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life…As a matter of fact, you’ll never have any butter for anything the rest of your life!” Then POOF! … She was gone!
After Dave recovered from the shock, he hollered for his friend, “Fred, where are you?” Fred yells back, “I’m over here in the pussy willows.”
Dave shouts back, “Don’t swing, Fred, for the love of god, don’t swing!”
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A Cat Named Lucky
Hallmark Writers
Ever wondered what happens when Hallmark writers are having a bad day……..
My tire was thumping.
I thought it was flat
When I looked at the tire…
I noticed your cat.
Sorry!
Heard your wife left you,
How upset you must be.
But don’t fret about it.. .
She moved in with me.
Looking back over the years
that we’ve been together,
I can’t help but wonder…..
‘What the hell was I thinking?’
Congratulations on your wedding day!
Too bad no one likes your husband.
How could two people as beautiful as you
Have such an ugly baby?
I’ve always wanted to have
someone to hold,
someone to love.
After having met you ..
I’ve changed my mind.
I must admit, you brought Religion into my life.
I never believed in Hell until I met you.
As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am…
That you’re not here to ruin it for me.
Congratulations on your promotion.
Before you go…
Would you like to take this knife out of my back?
You’ll probably need it again.
Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!
(Available only in Tennessee , Kentucky & West Virginia)
Happy birthday! You look great for your age.
Almost Lifelike!
When we were together,
you always said you’d die for me.
Now that we’ve broken up,
I think it’s time you kept your promise.
We have been friends for a very long time ..
let’s say we stop?
I’m so miserable without you
it’s almost like you’re here.
Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.
Did you ever find out who the father was?
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Urologist
My internist referred me to a female urologist. I saw her yesterday and she is gorgeous. She’s beautiful and unbelievably sexy. She told me that I have to stop masturbating.
I asked her why and she said, “Because I’m trying to examine you…”
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How To Recognize A Persian Cat
You Finish?
The Italian Lover, a virile middle aged Italian gentlemen named Guido was relaxing at his favorite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde woman. Things progressed to the point where he led her back to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he rattled her senseless.
After a pleasant interlude, he asked with a smile, “So, you finish?”
She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, “No.”
Surprised, Guido reached for her and the rattling resumed. This time she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion. The sex finally ended and, again, Guido smiled and asked, “You finish?”
Again, after a short pause, she returned his smile, cuddled closer to him and softly said, ‘No.’
Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied, Guido reached for the woman yet again. Using the last of his strength, he barely managed it, but they ended together screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets.
Exhausted, Guido fell onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looked into her eyes, smiled proudly and asked again, “You finish?”
Barely able to speak, the beautiful blonde whispered in his ear, “No, I Norwegian.”
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Military Humor
Pastor Fluff
The Reverend John Fluff was the pastor in a small town in Ireland. One day he was walking down the high street when he noticed a young lady of his congregation sitting in a pub drinking beer.
The Reverend wasn’t happy! He walked through the open door of the pub and sat down next to the woman. ‘Miss Fitzgerald,’ he said sternly. ‘This is no place for a member of my congregation. Why don’t you let me take you home?’
‘Sure,’ she said with a slur, obviously very drunk. When Miss Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave back and forth. The Reverend realized that she’d had far too much to drink and grabbed her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled to the floor.
After rolling around for a few moments, the Reverend wound up on top of Miss Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist. The pub landlord looked over and said, ‘Oy mate, we won’t have any of that carrying on in this pub.
The Reverend looked up at the landlord and said, ‘But you don’t understand, I’m Pastor Fluff.’
The landlord nodded and said, ‘Ah well, if you’re that far in, ye might as well finish.’
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Cats and Dogs
How To Give A Cat A Pill
1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat’s mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.
6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat’s throat vigorously.
7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse’s forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
10. Retrieve cat from neighbor’s shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw Tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
12. Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.
13. Tie the little bastard’s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.
14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.
15. Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.
How To Give A Dog A Pill
1. Wrap it in bacon.
2. Toss it in the air.
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A Beer Before It Starts
Sears Cajun Catalog
Boudreaux and Thibodeaux were looking at a Sears catalog and admiring the models. Boudreaux says to Thibodeaux, ‘Did you see de purty girls in dis catalog?’
Thibodeaux replies, ‘Yes, dey are vary beautiful. And look at de price!’ Boudreaux says, with wide eyes, ‘Wow, dey don’t cost much. At dis price, I’m gonna to buy one.’
Thibodeaux smiles and pats him on the back. ‘Good idee! Order one an if she’s as purty as she is in de catalog, I’m gonna get one too.’
Three weeks later, Thibodeaux asks Boudreaux, ‘Did you ever get de girl you ordered from the Sears catalog?’
Boudreaux replies, ‘No, but it shoudn’t be long now. I got her clothes yesterday!’